（中英附文稿）最怕孩子长大后没有韧性？你现在的教育方式可能正
字幕摘录
| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| 0:00 | How do you like to communicate boundaries to kids? | 你喜欢跟孩子沟通界限吗? |
| 0:04 | People really misunderstand boundaries because boundary is something you tell your kid you will do | 人们真的误解了边界,因为边界是你告诉你的孩子你会做的 |
| 0:08 | and it requires your kid to do nothing. | 这要求你的孩子什么都不做 |
| 0:10 | But most parents they have overcorrected. | 但大多数父母都过度纠正了 |
| 0:12 | We think we say | 我们认为我们说 |
| 0:13 | no but we actually ask our kids permission. | 没有,但我们实际上 要求我们的孩子允许。 |
| 0:15 | We do this weird okay at the end. | 我们做这个怪异的 在结尾。 |
| 0:18 | Can I watch another | 我可以看另一个 |
| 0:19 | show? | 显示? |
| 0:19 | Look it's not good for you okay? | 你看这对你不好,好吗? |
展开字幕全文（1862 条）
| 序号 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | How do you like to communicate boundaries to kids? | 你喜欢跟孩子沟通界限吗? |
| 2 | People really misunderstand boundaries because boundary is something you tell your kid you will do | 人们真的误解了边界,因为边界是你告诉你的孩子你会做的 |
| 3 | and it requires your kid to do nothing. | 这要求你的孩子什么都不做 |
| 4 | But most parents they have overcorrected. | 但大多数父母都过度纠正了 |
| 5 | We think we say | 我们认为我们说 |
| 6 | no but we actually ask our kids permission. | 没有,但我们实际上 要求我们的孩子允许。 |
| 7 | We do this weird okay at the end. | 我们做这个怪异的 在结尾。 |
| 8 | Can I watch another | 我可以看另一个 |
| 9 | show? | 显示? |
| 10 | Look it's not good for you okay? | 你看这对你不好,好吗? |
| 11 | Can I watch another show? | 我可以看另一个节目吗? |
| 12 | No sweetie. | 不,亲爱的。 |
| 13 | TV is over. | 电视结束了 |
| 14 | Then stop | 那就停下来 |
| 15 | How do we build capable resilient humans? | 我们如何培养有韧性的人类? |
| 16 | You cannot go through a life of a road being paved | 你不能过路铺路的生活 |
| 17 | for you and expect when you're older to know how to navigate twists and turns. | 等你长大了 就知道如何转弯转弯 |
| 18 | So the hardest | 所以最难 |
| 19 | moments when your kid is struggling are the moments where resilience gets built and I think supported | 你的孩子在挣扎的时候 是恢复力建立的时刻 我认为支持 |
| 20 | struggle comes from two things. | 斗争来自两件事 |
| 21 | The first is I believe you but we have dropped the second piece | 第一,我相信你们,但我们把第二块扔了 |
| 22 | which is the ****. | 这是... ... ... ... |
| 23 | What is one of the biggest misconceptions when it comes to parenthood? | 在父母身份问题上,最大的误解是什么? |
| 24 | That | 那个 |
| 25 | you have to get it right all the time. | 你总得做好的 |
| 26 | Repair is really the most important part of good parenting | 修补是养育孩子最重要的部分 |
| 27 | and you can't repair if you don't mess up. | 如果你不搞砸,你就不能修理 |
| 28 | How do you know if you're spoiling your kid? | 你怎么知道你是不是在宠你的孩子? |
| 29 | What do you | 你怎么样 |
| 30 | say to your kid when they say I can't? | 告诉你的孩子,当他们说我不能? |
| 31 | What can a parent do to make sure that their kid is not | 父母能做些什么来确保孩子不是 |
| 32 | entitled? | 是吗? |
| 33 | The best way to not have an entitled kid and I could be concrete about this is to | 没有一个有资格的孩子的最好办法 我就可以具体地说 |
| 34 | How do we build capable resilient humans? | 我们如何培养有韧性的人类? |
| 35 | Who are anti-fragile. | 谁是反脆弱。 |
| 36 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 37 | Hundred percent. | 百分之百都一样 |
| 38 | Capable resilient. | 有弹性的 |
| 39 | Good. | 不错 |
| 40 | Not just kids, humans. | 不只是孩子,人类。 |
| 41 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 42 | Because I have two, you have three and I | 因为我有两个,你有三个和我 |
| 43 | am, it keeps me up. | 是,它让我不眠不休。 |
| 44 | Yep. | 对 |
| 45 | All the time thinking of am I ruining everything and it doesn't take | 一直想着 我毁了一切 也不需要 |
| 46 | a few therapy sessions of my own to go okay am I doing everything the right way? | 我自己去治疗一下好吗 我做的一切正确吗? |
| 47 | So I, the question | 所以我,问题 |
| 48 | I have for you is, is there a line between building capacity and sturdiness is your word | 我有话要对你说,是不是有一条线 在建设能力和坚韧度之间 |
| 49 | and just letting them struggle? | 让他们挣扎? |
| 50 | In other words, like do you, where's the line between letting | 换句话说,就像你一样, 让彼此之间的界限在哪里? |
| 51 | fall? | 坠落? |
| 52 | Yep. | 对 |
| 53 | So do you want me to just answer that? | 你要我回答吗? |
| 54 | Okay. | 摆 |
| 55 | My one liner for how we do that? | 我的单行本如何做到这一点? |
| 56 | No. | 没有 |
| 57 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 58 | No, no, no. | 不,不,没有。 |
| 59 | I don't need, I'm not worried about one liners by the way. | 我不需要,我不担心 一行人。 |
| 60 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 61 | No. | 没有 |
| 62 | So I actually, | 所以我实际上 |
| 63 | a story came to mind. | 一个故事被想到。 |
| 64 | Like I actually think I tend to think about my biggest ideas in these very | 就像我实际上认为 我倾向于思考 我最大的想法在这些非常 |
| 65 | specific moments where then I kind of from there back out like a bigger principle. | 具体的时刻,然后我有点 从那里出来 像一个更大的原则。 |
| 66 | So I think about | 所以我想着 |
| 67 | a moment when my oldest who's now almost 15 was, I'm gonna say he's three and he was very into | 当我最年长的15岁的时候, 我要说他是三,他非常喜欢 |
| 68 | puzzles when he was younger. | 在他年轻的时候就迷惑了 |
| 69 | He was doing a puzzle and it was hard, right? | 他在做一个谜题 很难,对不对? |
| 70 | And he then broke | 然后他破产了 |
| 71 | down at some point, melting down. | 在某个时候, 融化下来。 |
| 72 | And I don't know if you've had this, one of your kids say, | 我不知道你有没有这个 你的一个孩子说 |
| 73 | just do it, do it for me. | 做它,为我做它。 |
| 74 | I can't do it. | 我办不到 |
| 75 | It's too hard. | 太难了 |
| 76 | That was this morning. | 这是今天早上。 |
| 77 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 78 | All the | 所有的东西 |
| 79 | time. | 时间。 |
| 80 | Good. | 不错 |
| 81 | That was just a check to make sure you were not a liar. | 这只是一张支票,以确保你不是一个骗子。 |
| 82 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 83 | Okay. | 摆 |
| 84 | And so look, | 所以听着, |
| 85 | there are some times we don't have the energy reserves. | 有些时候我们没有能源储备 |
| 86 | And I just want to start with that. | 我只想从这个开始 |
| 87 | Me too as a parent, there are days, whatever the equivalent is, yeah, I'll do that puzzle for you. | 作为父母,我也一样,有天, 不管等同是什么, 是的,我会为你做这个谜题。 |
| 88 | Fine. | 还好 |
| 89 | Have an extra show. | 再来一次 |
| 90 | Like that's fine once in a while. | 偶尔也不错 |
| 91 | But if we think about what builds | 但是如果我们想到什么是建 |
| 92 | resilience and capability, you cannot go through a life of a road being paved for you and expect | 恢复力和能力,你无法通过 一条道路为你铺设的生活 |
| 93 | when you're older to know how to navigate twists and turns. | 当你年纪大了,知道如何转弯转弯 |
| 94 | Like it just, the math doesn't even | 喜欢它只是,数学甚至不 |
| 95 | sometimes. | 有时 |
| 96 | And you kind of said this, we go to the other extreme where I say to my kid, | 你这么说,我们去另一个极端 在那里我对我的孩子说, |
| 97 | this isn't a big deal. | 这没什么大不了的 |
| 98 | Stop being such a baby. | 别像个小孩子了 |
| 99 | Do the puzzle or don't. | 做谜题或不做。 |
| 100 | I don't care. | 我无所谓 |
| 101 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 102 | I mean, I guess my kid is left with the struggle. | 我的意思是,我想我的孩子 与挣扎。 |
| 103 | I have never found that particularly helpful in | 我从未发现这特别有帮助 |
| 104 | my own life to inspire more hard work. | 我自己的生活 激励更多的辛勤工作。 |
| 105 | Like find it shameful. | 就像觉得这很可耻 |
| 106 | I find myself alone. | 我发现自己一个人。 |
| 107 | So I just want | 所以,我只是想 |
| 108 | to share something I said to him, because it kind of did form a foundation for me of how I think | 和他分享我说的话, 因为它确实为我打下基础 |
| 109 | about resilience. | 关于弹性。 |
| 110 | I said, look, first of all, this is a hard puzzle. | 我说,看,首先, 这是一个困难的谜题。 |
| 111 | Like you're a hundred percent. | 就像你百分百一样 |
| 112 | You're a hundred percent right. | 你百分之百是对的。 |
| 113 | This is hard. | 这很难。 |
| 114 | But I want to tell you why I'm not going to do | 但我想告诉你为什么我不做 |
| 115 | a piece for you. | 一块给你 |
| 116 | I think the best feeling in the world is when you think you can't do something | 我觉得世上最好的感觉是 当你觉得自己无能为力的时候 |
| 117 | and then you watch yourself make progress on it. | 然后你看着自己 取得进步。 |
| 118 | And I'm not going to take that feeling away from | 我不会夺走那种感觉 |
| 119 | you. | 你们 |
| 120 | And you can take a break. | 你可以休息一会 |
| 121 | You can take a breath. | 你可以呼吸一点。 |
| 122 | I know at some point that feeling is | 我知道有一点感觉 |
| 123 | going to come and it's going to be amazing. | 会来的,会是惊人的。 |
| 124 | So let's take a moment together. | 所以,让我们一起呆一会儿。 |
| 125 | I'll watch. | 我来看着 |
| 126 | I'll step out. | 我会走出。 |
| 127 | At some point you're going to finish this. | 某个时候你会完成的 |
| 128 | And what I think is kind of a bigger | 我认为是更大的 |
| 129 | principle there is kind of this idea of what I would call supported struggle, not exit from | 原则 那种想法 我称之为支持的斗争 而不是退出 |
| 130 | struggle, not shame, and not support is not solutions. | 斗争,不是羞耻,也不是支持不是解决办法。 |
| 131 | They're two very different things. | 它们是两件非常不同的事情。 |
| 132 | And I think supported struggle comes from two things. | 我认为支持的斗争来自于两件事。 |
| 133 | And I think we've overcorrected to just | 我觉得我们过度修正了 |
| 134 | the first. | 第一个 |
| 135 | The first is I believe you. | 第一,我相信你们 |
| 136 | I believe you this is hard. | 我相信你这是很难的。 |
| 137 | I believe you this puzzle is | 我相信你这个谜题是 |
| 138 | hard. | 很难。 |
| 139 | I believe you going to soccer practice is hard. | 我相信你去足球练习很困难 |
| 140 | I believe you it's hard to do the bonus | 我相信你很难拿到奖金 |
| 141 | problem on your math homework when you don't know if you're going to get it right. | 数学功课上的问题,当你不知道 你要去得到正确的。 |
| 142 | I believe you. | 我相信你们 |
| 143 | But we have dropped the second piece, which is the I believe in you. | 但是,我们已经放弃了第二块,这就是我相信你。 |
| 144 | That if you can't see a | 如果你看不见的话 |
| 145 | more capable version of your kid than they can access in themselves, you've collapsed into their | 你的孩子的版本比他们自己更有能力 你陷入了他们之中 |
| 146 | sense of their own fragility with them. | 他们觉得自己很脆弱 |
| 147 | And then that has kind of profound consequences for the | 这会给人类带来深远的后果 |
| 148 | of my own flashbacks recently of how quickly my kids sometimes can just give up on something. | 最近我又回想起了 我的孩子有时会放弃什么 |
| 149 | Or you hear I know yours is a puzzle. | 或者你听说我知道 你的是一个谜。 |
| 150 | My daughter who's six, she's really into creating these like | 我六岁的女儿 她很喜欢创造这些 |
| 151 | rubber band bracelets. | 橡胶带手镯。 |
| 152 | They're everywhere. | 到处都是 |
| 153 | She's made the little ones and she's made gobs of them | 她做了小的 也做了小的 |
| 154 | at our house for everybody. | 在我们的房子里为大家。 |
| 155 | Anybody she can think of she's making this bracelet. | 她能想到的任何人 她正在制作这个手镯。 |
| 156 | But she was trying to do this really intricate design. | 但她试图做这个非常复杂的设计。 |
| 157 | And of course I hear her upstairs. | 我当然听到她在楼上。 |
| 158 | Oh, this is her. | 哦,这是她。 |
| 159 | She's going, oh, come on. | 她要去,哦,来吧。 |
| 160 | Like that's her upstairs. | 就像她在楼上一样 |
| 161 | Like you can hear she going, | 就像你能听到她去, |
| 162 | oh, and of course I go up there and I wanted to in that moment just go, okay, this is hard. | 哦,当然,我去那里 我想在那一刻 只是去,好吧,这是很难的。 |
| 163 | Let me | 让我来 |
| 164 | help you with this. | 帮帮忙 |
| 165 | And long story short, I didn't. | 长话短说,我没有。 |
| 166 | The question is, is there ever an okay time | 问题是,有没有一个好时机 |
| 167 | when your kids are going through a hard moment to rescue them? | 当你的孩子正在经历一个艰难的时刻来拯救他们? |
| 168 | Yes. | 对 |
| 169 | Because I think there's, if you think about struggle, let's just say, or frustration as a bell | 因为我认为,如果你想到斗争, 让我们只是说, 或者沮丧作为一个钟声 |
| 170 | curve, resilience, this isn't truly scientific, but my guess is resilience is built in the two to | 曲线,韧性,这不是真的科学的, 但我的猜测是,韧性是 构建在两个到 |
| 171 | eight zone. | 八区. |
| 172 | When you're at a 10 out of 10, no, sorry, like a level two to a level 10. | 当你在10分之一时,不,对不起, 像二级到十级。 |
| 173 | When you're | 当你是 |
| 174 | feeling, let's say frustration or overwhelm at any age at a level 10 and you're frozen in fear | 感觉,让我们假设挫折或压倒 任何年龄在10级 而你被冻结在恐惧中 |
| 175 | and you're having a panic attack, you're in survival mode often in that situation. | 你身处生存模式 经常处于这种境地 |
| 176 | And this can happen. | 而这有可能发生。 |
| 177 | I was actually just talking to, you know, a couple about this, their kid | 其实我只是在跟几个人谈这件事 他们的孩子 |
| 178 | right now is young and likes to play soccer, but going to soccer practice and joining the team | 现在还年轻,喜欢踢足球 但要去练习足球,加入球队 |
| 179 | finds it intimidating. | 感觉很吓人 |
| 180 | And they're like, we're not going to give into this. | 他们喜欢,我们不会给 这一点。 |
| 181 | We're not one of | 我们不是其中之一 |
| 182 | those parents who's like, okay, fine. | 那些父母谁喜欢, 好吧,很好。 |
| 183 | We'll just get you private lessons forever. | 我们只会让你的私人课永远。 |
| 184 | No, it's not us. | 不,不是我们 |
| 185 | And by the way, two called soccer players. | 顺便说一句 两个叫足球运动员 |
| 186 | So there's history, right? | 所以有历史,对不对? |
| 187 | Okay. | 摆 |
| 188 | So they're like, | 所以他们喜欢, |
| 189 | we're going, right? | 我们要走了,对吧? |
| 190 | And they had a little difference of opinion. | 他们有一点分歧。 |
| 191 | The mom was saying, | 妈妈说, |
| 192 | we're going to go. | 我们要走了。 |
| 193 | And the truth is, what am I going to do? | 事实是,我该怎么办? |
| 194 | Make my kid play. | 让我的孩子玩。 |
| 195 | We're going to go. | 我们要走了。 |
| 196 | We're going to sit. | 我们坐下来。 |
| 197 | I feel like over time. | 我觉得像随着时间的推移。 |
| 198 | And then I was like, no, my kid is going to practice. | 然后我想,不,我的孩子要去练习。 |
| 199 | And it's like, if you don't go today, no dessert tonight, no screens tonight, no this. | 就像,如果你今天不走, 今晚没有甜点, 今晚没有屏幕,没有这个。 |
| 200 | By the way, | 对了 |
| 201 | this has been tried. | 这已经试过了。 |
| 202 | And actually the kid just freezes more because now that kid feels like a | 其实那孩子只是冷冻更多 因为现在那孩子感觉自己像个 |
| 203 | huge failure at soccer and a huge failure in their home. | 足球大失败 和他们的家中大失败。 |
| 204 | Is that rescuing to not make them go to | 是为了不让他们去救人 |
| 205 | soccer? | 足球吗? |
| 206 | But I think the difference is rescuing in that situation is probably if you have the means, | 但是,我认为区别是挽救 在这种情况下,也许 如果你有手段, |
| 207 | we'll just give you private soccer lessons forever. | 我们只是给你私人足球课永远。 |
| 208 | So you never have to deal with the | 所以,你永远不用处理 |
| 209 | kind of anxiety of what if I'm not the best one, right? | 那种焦虑 如果我不是最好的,对不对? |
| 210 | I don't think rescuing is saying, | 我不认为拯救是说, |
| 211 | as an example, we're going to go to soccer. | 作为例子,我们要去足球。 |
| 212 | Look, I don't know if you're going to join, | 听着 我不知道你会不会加入 |
| 213 | but we're going to go and we're going to sit there because when we sign up for something in this | 但是我们要去,我们要去坐在那里 因为当我们签了这个东西 |
| 214 | family, we work toward doing it. | 家庭,我们努力做到这一点。 |
| 215 | And also, I just kind of think you're the type of kid who takes a | 还有,我只是觉得 你是那种孩子 谁服用 |
| 216 | little bit longer to warm up and that's fine. | 稍长一点热身,这很好。 |
| 217 | And I feel like maybe at one of the practices, | 我觉得也许在一个练习, |
| 218 | you might feel ready. | 你可能会觉得准备好了。 |
| 219 | That was my daughter for years, for years, a slow to warm up kid. | 那是我多年的女儿,几年, 一个缓慢的温暖孩子。 |
| 220 | And I think what we take away in the rescuing is we remove kids from the situations | 我认为我们抢走的是 将孩子们从局势中带走 |
| 221 | that would build resilience. | 这将建立复原力。 |
| 222 | It's just that some kids have a longer timeline. | 只是有些孩子有更长的时间 |
| 223 | And frankly, | 老实说, |
| 224 | we find it inconvenient. | 我们觉得这很不方便 |
| 225 | I'm like, is that really how I'm going to spend every birthday party with | 我很喜欢,是我真的要 花每个生日聚会 |
| 226 | my kids sitting on my lap into the last five minutes? | 我的孩子坐在我的腿上 进入最后五分钟? |
| 227 | And then they cry that the birthday | 然后他们哭着说生日 |
| 228 | party was too short. | 派对太短了 |
| 229 | I spent two years like that. | 我花了两年这样的。 |
| 230 | But I know my kid wouldn't have gotten to the | 但我知道我的孩子不会 |
| 231 | of being able to join and function if I just said, you know what? | 能够加入和发挥功能,如果我刚刚说,你知道吗? |
| 232 | She's not a kid who can | 她不是一个孩子谁可以 |
| 233 | go to birthday parties. | 去参加生日派对。 |
| 234 | You know, you can't skip that step. | 你知道,你不能跳过那一步。 |
| 235 | I like what you said a minute ago. | 我喜欢你刚才说的话 |
| 236 | And that was, I'm not going to take the progress away from you. | 也就是说,我不会夺走你的进步。 |
| 237 | I think that was really pivotal because I think every time there's been that little, | 我觉得这真的很关键 因为我觉得每次有这么一点 |
| 238 | that puzzle that was really probably a little bit too hard or maybe the Legos, it was a little bit | 那个谜题 可能有点太难了 或许是乐高人 有点 |
| 239 | outside of the age range. | 年龄范围以外。 |
| 240 | And I know they can do it. | 我知道他们能做到的。 |
| 241 | I know, I know he can't, I know she can. | 我知道,我知道他不能, 我知道她可以。 |
| 242 | And if I just, what the miracle that I have found that's worked in my life is I want you to put it | 如果我只是,我所发现的奇迹 在我的生活是,我希望你把它 |
| 243 | down and pick it up tomorrow and watch. | 下来,明天把它捡起来,看。 |
| 244 | She'll do it even better. | 她会做得更好 |
| 245 | And there's something about | 还有一件事 |
| 246 | me telling them that it comes from musical instruments. | 我告诉他们它来自乐器。 |
| 247 | I teach them to play or little | 我教他们玩什么的 |
| 248 | bitty things that if I say, okay, then let's put it down tomorrow. | 有点小事,如果我说, 好吧,那我们明天把它放下。 |
| 249 | I bet you'll do it even better. | 我敢打赌,你会做得更好。 |
| 250 | Exactly. | 没错 |
| 251 | Sometimes you need a break. | 有时你需要休息。 |
| 252 | That is legitimate, right? | 这是正当的,对不对? |
| 253 | And also I think what you're | 我也认为你是什么 |
| 254 | doing so beautifully, Jefferson, is you're doing that I believe in you part. | 杰斐逊,你做得太漂亮了 你是在做我相信你的事吗? |
| 255 | You're sharing a | 你分享一个 |
| 256 | version of them, the kid who can do it better tomorrow, that honestly they cannot access in | 他们的版本,明天能做得更好的孩子, 老实说,他们不能进入 |
| 257 | themselves. | 他们自己。 |
| 258 | This is the same in adulthood. | 成年时也是这样 |
| 259 | If you're in a job and I go, oh my goodness, | 如果你在工作 而我去, 哦,我的天啊, |
| 260 | I'm being asked to do this presentation and I've never done that in front of a group. | 有人要求我做这个演示,我从来没有在团体面前做过. |
| 261 | And your boss | 还有你的老板 |
| 262 | says, look, you're right. | 说,你看,你是对的。 |
| 263 | By the way, when you go, you're going to be nervous. | 顺便说一句,你走的时候会很紧张的 |
| 264 | Let's just get that | 说吧 |
| 265 | out of the way. | 让开 |
| 266 | I gave this to you because I actually know you're going to be able to crush | 我把这个给你是因为我真的知道你会粉碎 |
| 267 | it. | 这个 |
| 268 | That feels so helpful versus the boss who says, oh, you're nervous. | 你对老板说,你很紧张 |
| 269 | You know what? | 你知道吗? |
| 270 | I'll | 我会的 |
| 271 | give it to that other person. | 把它给另一个人。 |
| 272 | You're like, oh, now I'm going to be more nervous the next time. | 你就像,哦, 现在我会更紧张的下一次。 |
| 273 | They're absolutely going to be more nervous the next time. | 下次绝对会更紧张 |
| 274 | Before we keep going, a quick word from | 在继续前,我们从 |
| 275 | Factor. | 因素。 |
| 276 | One thing that I have truly loved over the past six months or so is eating these Factor | 过去半年中我真正爱的东西 就是吃这个 |
| 277 | meals. | 吃饭 |
| 278 | These meals are microwavable. | 这些餐食是微弱的。 |
| 279 | They are chef-inspired. | 他们是厨师的灵感。 |
| 280 | They are dietitian designed easy | 他们是饮食主义者 设计简单 |
| 281 | meals that are anywhere from 30 to 40 grams of protein, which is awesome for me. | 30到40克的蛋白质 对我来说是很棒的 |
| 282 | And I always | 我总是 |
| 283 | know they have a really good protein and vegetable that comes with it. | 他们有一个非常好的蛋白质和蔬菜。 |
| 284 | They're easy. | 他们很容易。 |
| 285 | I pop them in. | 我把它们放进去了 |
| 286 | I've been eating them for lunch, I kid you not, probably for the past five weeks every day. | 我吃过它们作为午餐, 我骗你, 也许在过去5个星期里,每天。 |
| 287 | And | 还有 |
| 288 | I look forward to every time I get a new shipment of them. | 我期待着每一次得到一批新货。 |
| 289 | They're fast, they're easy, and they | 他们很快,他们很容易,他们 |
| 290 | genuinely taste good. | 真正的味道不错。 |
| 291 | Better than any other microwavable meal I've certainly ever had. | 比我以前吃过的任何微小的饭都要好 |
| 292 | They are fantastic, and I cannot get enough of them. | 他们太棒了,我实在受不了他们 |
| 293 | They get a big thumbs up from Jefferson. | 他们从杰斐逊那里得到一个大拇指。 |
| 294 | They have at least 100 different nutrient-dense menu items that you can choose from. | 它们至少有100个不同的营养强化菜单项目,你可以从中选择. |
| 295 | They come | 他们来了 |
| 296 | right to your door, easy to put in your fridge, and just pop in. | 就在你家门口 很容易放进冰箱 然后就进来 |
| 297 | In two minutes, they're ready. | 两分钟后 他们就准备好了 |
| 298 | To get 50% off and one free breakfast item per box for one year until supplies last | 给每盒一个免费的早餐 吃一年 直到供应结束 |
| 299 | until 10-31-2026. | 直到10 -31 -2026年为止 |
| 300 | 这是教练杰弗森50off 在要素餐点 com slashJefferson50off | |
| 301 | at factor meals dot com. | 在要素餐点com。 |
| 302 | I am curious of your thoughts on, I want to set the stage. | 我很好奇你的想法, 我想摆平舞台。 |
| 303 | Okay. | 摆 |
| 304 | In the South, where I was raised, the select baseball teams are insane-o. | 在南方,我在那里长大, 选定的棒球队是疯狂的。 |
| 305 | They are nuts, | 他们疯了, |
| 306 | okay? | 好吗? |
| 307 | It's fall ball and seasons, it's all year round, and most of these boys don't want to be | 这是秋天的球和季节,全年, 这些男孩大多不想成为。 |
| 308 | doing it. | 做到这一点。 |
| 309 | They want to be playing with friends, and they have parents that are, no you will, | 他们想和朋友玩 他们的父母是,不,你会, |
| 310 | and I know some that are, if you don't perform or you don't hit, there's no, you know, call it iPad, | 我知道一些,如果你不表演或不打, 没有,你知道,把它叫做iPad, |
| 311 | there's always like a, we'll take you out, there's ice cream, there's always some kind of | 总是像一个,我们会带你出去, 有冰淇淋,总是有某种 |
| 312 | no clothes, no dinner. | 没有衣服,没有晚餐。 |
| 313 | Yeah, something like that, no bath. | 是啊,类似的东西,没有洗澡。 |
| 314 | There's always a carrot on the stick, | 棍子上总是有胡萝卜 |
| 315 | and I am curious, I'm sure I could package this differently, but I want to know, | 我很好奇,我肯定我可以用不同的包装, 但我想知道, |
| 316 | {\fn黑体\fs22\bord1\shad0\3aHBE\4aH00\fscx67\fscy66\2cHFFFFFF\3cH808080}给那些不想去球场练球的小孩 {\fn黑体\fs22\bord1\shad0\3aHBE\4aH00\fscx67\fscy66\2cHFFFFFF\3cH808080}不想露面练球的孩子们 {\fn黑体\fs22\bord1\shad0\3aHBE\4aH00\fscx67\fscy66\2cHFFFFFF\3cH808080}他们不想去练习 | |
| 317 | the sport that they're in, how do these parents handle that? | 他们参加的运动, 这些父母如何处理? |
| 318 | You know, I have a nuanced opinion | 你知道,我有一个细微的意见 |
| 319 | of this, and I think if I talked to you a year ago, I would have felt really confident in my | 我想,如果我一年前跟你说话, 我就会对我的... |
| 320 | opinion, and then I actually did this series of interviews on my pod with athletes, right, | 然后,实际上我做了这系列采访 我的舱与运动员,正确的, |
| 321 | like Tony Finau, Russell Wilson, and I kind of expected, to be honest, I don't know why, | 就像托尼・菲瑙,罗素・威尔逊, 我有点期待,说实话,我不知道为什么, |
| 322 | them all to say, yeah, it was that kid at the gym, I was this, across the board they had a parent, | 他们都说,是的,这是那个孩子 在健身房,我是这个, 他们有一个家长, |
| 323 | okay, who was like, let's go, you know, get up, get up, because one of my kids sometimes, | 好吧,谁像,让我们去, 你知道,起来, 因为我的一个孩子有时, |
| 324 | I'm like, hello, go practice, like you could be better, and that should come from you, | 我就像,你好,去练习, 像你可能会更好, 这应该来自你, |
| 325 | and it was just interesting, not like my, any of my kids have the raw talent of any of those | 有趣的是,不像我, 我的孩子们 拥有原始的天赋 |
| 326 | humans, let's just be perfectly clear, but I was thinking they had raw talent, and I guess they also | 人类,让我们说清楚, 但我认为他们有原始的天赋, 我想他们也 |
| 327 | didn't have that, and I remember one of them saying, it was probably not until age 13, 14, | 没有,我记得他们中的一个说, 可能直到13岁,14岁。 |
| 328 | after, honestly, that habit of waking up in the morning, then I started doing it on my own, | 老实说,早上醒来的习惯之后 我开始自己做 |
| 329 | I was like, oh, 13, 14, okay, now, if I zoom out from that, I think we're, I think we're really | 我当时想,哦,13,14, 好吧,现在,如果我放大了, 我认为我们,我觉得我们真的 |
| 330 | asking, like, what are we doing today, and is that in line with a goal that's going to matter, or | 问,像,我们今天在做什么, 这是符合一个目标 是要去重要,或 |
| 331 | is this going to even be in line with helping that goal happen in the future, if anything over time | 这是否甚至符合帮助未来实现该目标,如果随着时间的推移有所作为 |
| 332 | is more of our goal for our kid, then our kid's goal for themselves, the gig usually gets up at | 更多的是我们的目标 我们的孩子, 然后我们的孩子的目标 他们自己, |
| 333 | point, because at some point, a kid gets old enough, and they realize, like, I'm not scared | 点,因为某个时候,一个孩子长大了, 他们意识到,喜欢,我不害怕 |
| 334 | of you, you can't put me in timeouts, like, I can kind of get my own food from the pantry, | 在你,你不能让我 暂停,喜欢,我可以 得到我自己的食物 从储藏室, |
| 335 | you've helped me get so strong at the sport, like, I actually could arm wrestle you and win, | 你帮助我变得如此强壮 在运动, 喜欢,我实际上可以 手臂摔跤你和赢得, |
| 336 | like, what are you going to do? | 你要怎么办? |
| 337 | The only kids that doesn't happen for are extreme people pleasers, | 唯一不会发生的孩子是极端的人取悦, |
| 338 | who seem perfectly in line until they're about 20-something, and then usually are | 他们似乎完全排队 直到他们大约20左右, 然后通常是 |
| 339 | the ones who do, like, have a kind of early midlife crisis, right, of massive anxiety. | 那些有一样, 有一种早期的中年危机, 对, 巨大的焦虑。 |
| 340 | So I think where I'm landing is there's a balance. | 所以我想我降落的地方是平衡的 |
| 341 | Kids often don't inherently want to do | 孩子们经常不想做 |
| 342 | hard things that are going to be helpful in the long term. | 从长远来看,很难做到 |
| 343 | They want to do fun things that are | 他们想做一些有趣的事情 |
| 344 | easy today. | 今天轻松 |
| 345 | By the way, probably me and you do too, most of the time. | 顺便说一句,也许我和你也是, 大多数时候。 |
| 346 | It's not a good thing, | 这不是一件好事, |
| 347 | it's a human thing, right? | 这是人的事情,对不对? |
| 348 | And so I just think there's a dance. | 所以,我只是觉得有一个舞蹈。 |
| 349 | Like, I don't love lording. | 喜欢,我不爱领主。 |
| 350 | I definitely don't like rewards or consequences for something that, to some degree, your home run | 我绝对不喜欢奖励 或后果的东西, 在某种程度上,你的全垒打 |
| 351 | is a little out of your control. | 有点失控了 |
| 352 | Like, I remember when one of my kids played baseball, one of the | 我记得我其中一个孩子打棒球的时候 |
| 353 | things I tried to say at the end was I loved the way, honestly, when one of your friends dropped a | 我最后想说的是 我喜欢的方式,说实话, 当你的一个朋友掉了一个 |
| 354 | pop fly, I know that's frustrating, because it's true, you probably would have caught it. | 我知道这很令人沮丧,因为那是真的,你可能会抓住它。 |
| 355 | I watched you turn away and not say anything. | 我看着你转身不说话 |
| 356 | I watched you say, nice try. | 我看着你说,不错的尝试。 |
| 357 | That was amazing. | 这是惊人的。 |
| 358 | That feels more in control than whether my kid, you know, hits a home run. | 这感觉比我儿子打全垒打更能控制局面 |
| 359 | But I think you're | 但我认为你 |
| 360 | talking about, there's a lot of pressure. | 说起来,压力很大 |
| 361 | Who is this for? | 这是谁的? |
| 362 | Is this our unlived dreams playing out | 这就是我们无尽的梦想 |
| 363 | in our child as the pawn? | 在我们的孩子当卒? |
| 364 | Is this at all coming from a child? | 这是从孩子那里来的吗? |
| 365 | And what I know is if it's a 100% | 我只知道如果这是100% |
| 366 | parent and 0% child or anything near that ratio, that usually ends up blowing up in a big way when | 父母和0%的孩子 或任何接近这个比例的东西, 通常最终会大爆炸 当 |
| 367 | the stakes are higher. | 赌注更高 |
| 368 | And definitely comes out later. | 肯定晚点出来 |
| 369 | That's what I'm saying. | 即说'言. |
| 370 | Right, exactly. | 没错 |
| 371 | And the stakes being higher usually aren't about baseball. | 赌注较高通常不是棒球 |
| 372 | Yeah, I'm at college and it's, you know, | 是啊,我在大学 而且,你知道, |
| 373 | whatever Christmas break, I don't want to go home to my parents' house. | 不管圣诞节休息什么 我不想回家去我父母家 |
| 374 | I'm going to go home with | 我要带她回家 |
| 375 | my friend because I just feel kind of like a performance monkey in that house and I don't | 我的朋友,因为我只是感觉 有点像 表演猴子在那房子里,我不 |
| 376 | have to do that. | 必须这样做。 |
| 377 | And next thing you know, they're 40 in a therapist chair talking about when it all | 接下来,他们40岁坐在治疗椅上谈论这一切 |
| 378 | started at that practice. | 从那个练习开始的 |
| 379 | Now I do know what it's like when my son, who's, he's great, naturally | 现在我知道当我儿子,谁,谁是伟大的,自然的 |
| 380 | great at soccer. | 在足球方面很出色。 |
| 381 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 382 | He just didn't want to practice. | 他只是不想练习。 |
| 383 | I get that. | 我懂了,我懂你说什么 I get that. |
| 384 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 385 | I don't blame you. | 我不责怪你。 |
| 386 | Practice, not all that fun. | 练习,不是所有的乐趣。 |
| 387 | You want the immediate win. | 你想马上赢 |
| 388 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 389 | And it got to where it was, okay, | 并且它得到了它在哪里,好吗, |
| 390 | I can set all this up. | 我可以安排这一切。 |
| 391 | We're not going to be some pro athlete at soccer. | 我们不会成为足球界的运动员 |
| 392 | So I just want this to be | 所以我只想这样 |
| 393 | fun. | 开心 |
| 394 | So if that means we're getting outside and we're just moving our bodies. | 所以,如果这意味着,我们正在 出去,我们只是移动我们的身体。 |
| 395 | That's right. | 没错 |
| 396 | That's | 这是 |
| 397 | he wanted to motivate his son to go after the ball and basketball. | 他想激励他儿子去追球和篮球 |
| 398 | His son was really timid. | 他儿子很胆小 |
| 399 | He wants him to go touch the ball. | 他想让他去碰球。 |
| 400 | And, you know, if he shot it, he was going to get a new video | 而且,你知道,如果他拍摄了它, 他会得到一个新的视频 |
| 401 | game. | 游戏。 |
| 402 | And that really bothered me. | 这让我很困扰 |
| 403 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 404 | I was like, I don't, I don't, that feels misaligned to | 我觉得,我没有,我没有,我没有, 那感觉错误地与 |
| 405 | me. | 来啊 |
| 406 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 407 | Look, and I, I don't love that either because I think it again, confuses like we're | 听着 我也不爱那样 因为我又想了一遍 弄糊涂了 |
| 408 | for most kids use sports are about building character traits. | 对于大多数孩子来说,运动是 关于建立性格特征。 |
| 409 | Most you, most kids are not | 大多数你,大多数孩子不是 |
| 410 | going to be Russell Wilson and Tony Finau, no matter what, there's just very few people. | 罗素·威尔逊和托尼·菲瑙 不管怎样 人很少 |
| 411 | So | 这么说 |
| 412 | it's about learning sportsmanship. | 这是关于学习运动技巧。 |
| 413 | It's about learning how to work hard. | 即是修习勤行. |
| 414 | It's about bouncing | 这是关于弹跳 |
| 415 | back from failure. | 从失败中回来。 |
| 416 | It's about sticking with the basketball game when you're down by 12 points. | 是关于在降12分时坚持篮球比赛. |
| 417 | It's about going to the game when you know, you're going to get crushed. | 当你知道了,你就会被压扁。 |
| 418 | Like there are, | 就像现在这样 |
| 419 | you know, when you know, you're going to get crushed by a team by 40 points, there are kids | 你知道,当你知道, 你会被一个团队击溃 40分,有孩子 |
| 420 | who are sick every time. | 他们每次都生病。 |
| 421 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 422 | Not my kids. | 不是我的孩子们 |
| 423 | Again, they're going with that cough because | 再说一遍,他们咳嗽是因为 |
| 424 | you've got to learn. | 你得学着点 |
| 425 | You've got to show up even when you know, something's kind of being heard, | 就算你知道了,你也要出现, 有些事情是听到的, |
| 426 | you know? | 你知道吗? |
| 427 | And so I've never heard it explained that way. | 我从来没听过这样解释 |
| 428 | And I think that's, I think that's | 我认为,这是,我认为 |
| 429 | wonderful that that, that those kinds of team sports, they're about building character traits. | 美妙的是,那些类型的团队运动, 他们是为了建立性格特征。 |
| 430 | That's it. | 就这样 |
| 431 | And that's it. | 且道. |
| 432 | And by the way, I hear one of my friends in my ear being like, Becky, | 顺便说一句,我听到我耳边的一个朋友 像,贝琪, |
| 433 | you talk a good game. | 弧 |
| 434 | When you watch your kid not be aggressive at a sport, it is the most | 当你看着你的孩子 不攻击运动,这是最 |
| 435 | triggering thing. | 触发的东西。 |
| 436 | So I'm just saying it's so hard. | 所以我只是说这很难。 |
| 437 | And sometimes it's just framing it in a | 有时它只是把它 在一个 |
| 438 | different way and giving yourself something to look for that's a little different. | 给自己找一些东西 这有点不同 |
| 439 | It stops us | 它阻止我们 |
| 440 | from, you know, moving too far in that direction. | 从,你知道, 走得太远的方向。 |
| 441 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 442 | Well, they have, you know, baseball | 他们有棒球 |
| 443 | dads, they have soccer moms, they have all these, the little leagues of the world that, | 爸爸,他们有足球妈妈, 他们有所有这些, 小联盟的世界, |
| 444 | I think what you said is exactly right of who are we doing this for? | 我想你说的是对的 我们这样做是为了谁? |
| 445 | Is it your | 这是你的 |
| 446 | car or are you allowing them to do it? | 汽车还是你允许他们这样做? |
| 447 | And I have two more things to say about | 我还有两件事要说 |
| 448 | youth sports because it's actually one of my favorite things. | 青年运动,因为它实际上是我最喜欢的东西之一。 |
| 449 | So number one, what you're | 所以,第一,你是什么 |
| 450 | saying about your son with soccer, where I think the mismatch comes and then both the resentment | 说起你儿子的足球, 我认为不匹配 来了,然后两个怨恨 |
| 451 | and aggression is, okay, my kid doesn't really want to practice on their own, but I am paying | 攻击是,好吧,我的孩子 并不想自己练习,但我付钱 |
| 452 | for two private lessons for them, but they practice 0% besides those lessons. | 但他们除了这些课外还练习0%。 |
| 453 | I am putting in as a | 我装成一个 |
| 454 | parent so much more effort to my kid's sports than they are. | 父母为孩子的体育付出了比他们多得多的努力 |
| 455 | And then I end up yelling, | 然后我最后大喊大叫, |
| 456 | you don't care. | 你根本不关心 |
| 457 | I think it's okay to set up a system. | 我认为建立一个系统是好的。 |
| 458 | And I'm just using private lessons | 我只是用私人课程 |
| 459 | as an example. | 作为例子。 |
| 460 | It could not be private lessons. | 这不可能是私人课程。 |
| 461 | It could just be going to soccer practice because | 它可能只是去 足球练习,因为 |
| 462 | that still takes up my time. | 这需要我的时间。 |
| 463 | I'm allowed to say to my kid at any point, I would encourage a parent | 我可以随时对我的孩子说 我会鼓励父母 |
| 464 | to do this because I think we've over-corrected as a generation to our kids becoming like the | 这样做,因为我认为我们已经过度 纠正作为一个世代 我们的孩子变得像 |
| 465 | pilot of the family plane. | 驾驶家用飞机。 |
| 466 | Hey, you want to do soccer. | 你想踢足球吗? |
| 467 | That's amazing. | 这是惊人的。 |
| 468 | I want to let you know, | 我想告诉你, |
| 469 | how this can work in our family because we love watching you play soccer, but also it takes our | 因为我们喜欢看你踢足球 但也需要我们 |
| 470 | time. | 时间。 |
| 471 | It takes our money. | 这需要我们的钱。 |
| 472 | And so you ask for that private lesson. | 所以,你要求的私人课程。 |
| 473 | Here's how we can make that work. | 这就是我们如何使这个工作。 |
| 474 | Every week, if you have a private lesson, there have to be two times that you practice on your | 每周,如果你有私人课程, 必须有两次练习你的 |
| 475 | own. | 拥有。 |
| 476 | That's not a threat. | 这不是威胁 |
| 477 | That's not a consequence. | 这不是后果。 |
| 478 | That's a way of saying our effort equals your | 这就是说 我们的努力等于你的 |
| 479 | effort. | 努力起来。 |
| 480 | If it gets to the point where that's too hard to do, sweetie, that's fine. | 如果它得到的点 太难做,亲爱的,这没关系。 |
| 481 | We'll still keep | 我们还会留下来 |
| 482 | up your soccer team. | 在你的足球队。 |
| 483 | I'm going to pull back on the lessons. | 我将收回课程。 |
| 484 | And I'm not saying this with aggression. | 我不是在说这种侵略。 |
| 485 | I'm saying it so the family is in balance. | 我这么说是为了让家人保持平衡 |
| 486 | And I think sometimes we are just in the habit of doing | 我觉得有时候我们只是习惯于做 |
| 487 | and doing and doing for our kid. | 为我们的孩子做和做。 |
| 488 | And we can just be honest about the system that feels better for | 我们可以诚实地说,系统 感觉更好 |
| 489 | everyone. | 每个人。 |
| 490 | I agree with that mentality wholeheartedly. | 我完全同意这种心态。 |
| 491 | I want us to be able right now to kind of put on | 我希望我们现在能穿上 |
| 492 | glasses and workshop our own three points on how do we teach our kids how to handle hardship | 我们如何教孩子们如何应付困难? |
| 493 | when things are hard. | 当事情变得艰难。 |
| 494 | What I hear you said a minute ago is one, there's the element of | 我听到你刚才说的就是其中之一 |
| 495 | I believe what you're going through is what you're going through. | 我相信你正在经历的 就是你正在经历的 |
| 496 | Like I believe that it's hard. | 就像我相信这很难 |
| 497 | I believe that it's difficult. | 我相信这很困难 |
| 498 | I also heard you say, I believe in you, which is almost more important | 我也听到你说 我相信你 这更重要 |
| 499 | that they know that you see a different progress version that they don't see. | 他们知道,你看到不同的进步版本 他们看不到。 |
| 500 | What's a third one | 第三个是什么? |
| 501 | that we can add to this one? | 我们能加这个吗? |
| 502 | I think the third thing is that the hard moments when they lose | 我认为第三件事是 他们输掉的艰难时刻 |
| 503 | a game or when they haven't yet been able to finish the puzzle or finish the math problem, | 游戏或者当他们还没有 完成谜题或者完成数学问题, |
| 504 | just in your head to remind yourself this is the moment resilience is building. | 就在你脑海中提醒自己 这是恢复力建设的时刻 |
| 505 | They're going to | 他们打算 |
| 506 | be fine. | 没事的 |
| 507 | The hardest moments when your kid is struggling are the moments where resilience | 你孩子挣扎中最艰难的时刻 就是恢复能力的时刻 |
| 508 | gets built. | 建起来。 |
| 509 | So don't take them away. | 所以不要把他们带走。 |
| 510 | I love it. | 我喜欢它。 |
| 511 | I'm going to give you some of my own | 我要给你一些我自己的 |
| 512 | parent struggles. | 父母的挣扎。 |
| 513 | Here we go. | 开始了 |
| 514 | You're with me so I might as well have a session. | 你和我在一起,所以我最好开个会 |
| 515 | We just got back from Australia and anytime my kids come, my son is eight, my daughter is six, | 我们刚从澳大利亚回来 每当我的孩子来, 我儿子八岁,我女儿六岁, |
| 516 | and she's been like this since she was four. | 她从四岁起就一直这样 |
| 517 | We thought that was going to be like a two week | 我们以为那会像两周 |
| 518 | thing. | 东西。 |
| 519 | It is not. | 事实并非如此。 |
| 520 | It has to do with her ability to walk and complain. | 这与她走路和抱怨的能力有关. |
| 521 | Meaning the farther she walks, | 意思是她走得越远 |
| 522 | you would think the more complaints, it's the same no matter what, whether it's a two minute walk | 你会觉得抱怨越多,不管怎样,都一样,不管走两分钟 |
| 523 | or an eight minute walk. | 或者走八分钟 |
| 524 | If we're walking to ice cream or a playground, there's no complaints. | 如果我们步行去冰激凌或游乐场,没有抱怨. |
| 525 | But if we're walking to let's say something else, we have to go to a museum, we have to go to | 但是如果我们走着去说别的事, 我们必须去博物馆,我们必须去 |
| 526 | whatever, she will complain the entire time. | 不管怎样 她会一直抱怨 |
| 527 | She will come up with my leg hurts, which we know her | 她会想出我的腿疼 我们认识她 |
| 528 | leg doesn't hurt because it only hurts when she's walking and it's not going towards ice cream. | 腿不痛,因为只有她走路的时候才痛,不会走向冰激凌. |
| 529 | Or she'll say like she has a growing pain in the other leg or her tummy hurts or she doesn't feel | 或者她会说,她好像在另一条腿上疼痛,或者肚子疼,或者她没有感觉 |
| 530 | good. | 不错 |
| 531 | And it makes walking anywhere miserable because if she's unhappy, she is skilled at | 这让走路的地方很悲惨 因为如果她不开心 她很熟练 |
| 532 | making the rest of the family unhappy. | 让家里其他人不开心 |
| 533 | And so a lot of it is I'll have to be like, she'll be like, | 所以很多事情是,我必须像, 她会像, |
| 534 | is it five minutes? | 是五分钟吗? |
| 535 | How many more minutes now? | 还要多久? |
| 536 | And it's been 30 seconds. | 已经30秒了 |
| 537 | And I have to tell you, | 我必须告诉你, |
| 538 | it drives me up a wall and I'm good for a little bit. | 它把我推到墙上 我有点用 |
| 539 | Honestly, I'm good for a little bit. | 老实说 我有点用 |
| 540 | But then towards the fifth time asking, I started to come unhinged. | 但到了第五次问起的时候,我开始不鸣不响。 |
| 541 | Then we have to have a talk | 那我们得谈谈 |
| 542 | and I may not show up the way I want to. | 我可能不会以我想要的方式出现 |
| 543 | Or I did the bad thing and I was so tired of it, | 或者我做了坏事 我太厌倦了 |
| 544 | I picked it up and carried her, which is probably what she wanted in the first place. | 我捡起并背着她 这可能是她最初想要的 |
| 545 | I don't think the times we pick up and carry our children, | 我不认为时间 我们拿起和携带我们的孩子, |
| 546 | if that's the worst parenting offense, it's not so bad. | 如果这是最糟糕的育儿罪 没那么糟糕 |
| 547 | But I hear you're saying, | 但我听到你说, |
| 548 | am I reinforcing quote, bad behavior? | 我补充了引用,坏行为? |
| 549 | I pick her up every time she asks always. | 每次她问起我都会接她 |
| 550 | That was her version of getting out of walking. | 这是她的版本 走出步行。 |
| 551 | And there are plenty of examples that it could be | 可能有很多例子 |
| 552 | whether it's a parent in a grocery store and their kid is throwing a fit or they are | 不管是一家杂货店的家长 他们的孩子是发烧还是他们 |
| 553 | at a department store or whatever it is. | 在百货公司或任何东西。 |
| 554 | And you know, it's just a little bit of hardship. | 你知道,这只是一点点困难。 |
| 555 | It's just a very short amount of time. | 只是时间很短 |
| 556 | You can make 10 minutes and they act as though the world | 你可以做10分钟 他们的行为就像世界 |
| 557 | is absolutely crumbling. | 完全崩溃了 |
| 558 | And I've done what you have said to do. | 我做了你说的 |
| 559 | It's like, I know it's hard. | 这就像,我知道这很难。 |
| 560 | I know it's a bummer. | 我知道这很无聊 |
| 561 | Yeah, I know this is long and we want to walk too. | 是啊,我知道这是漫长的,我们想走。 |
| 562 | It doesn't stop. | 终不息. |
| 563 | Okay. | 摆 |
| 564 | So a couple things, clarifying questions. | 所以有几件事,澄清问题。 |
| 565 | Long car rides that are boring, same thing? | 长的车骑 无聊,同样的事情? |
| 566 | Same thing. | 同样的事情。 |
| 567 | Okay. | 摆 |
| 568 | And something that doesn't involve a distance, but I don't know, we're going, | 和一些不涉及距离, 但我不知道,我们要去, |
| 569 | we're having these people over who she finds boring. | 我们让这些人来对付她觉得无聊的人 |
| 570 | A lot of complainants too. | 有很多投诉人 |
| 571 | No. | 没有 |
| 572 | In general, when she has to do something that she inherently doesn't love to do, | 一般来说,当她不得不做一些她本性不爱做的事时, |
| 573 | is it a struggle for her? | 这是她的斗争吗? |
| 574 | Yes. | 对 |
| 575 | Okay. | 摆 |
| 576 | So that's kind of what we're talking about then. | 因此,这就是我们所说的。 |
| 577 | Verbally. | 动静 |
| 578 | And then when she gets to the place you're going, she snaps out of it. | 然后当她到了你要去的地方, 她就醒过来了。 |
| 579 | Yeah, she's gone. | 是的,她不见了。 |
| 580 | Or even if we're walking to a playground, if it's 15 minutes away, | 或者即使我们走到一个操场, 如果它是15分钟的距离, |
| 581 | you'll hear it the whole 15 minutes. | 你会听到这整个15分钟。 |
| 582 | And then as soon as the playground's in sight, | 然后,一旦游乐场在眼前, |
| 583 | the bum leg she says she had disappears. | 她说她已经失踪了 |
| 584 | Totally. | 当然 |
| 585 | Okay. | 摆 |
| 586 | So a couple things. | 所以有两件事 |
| 587 | I think what she's really saying is, | 我想她说的是, |
| 588 | when I am being asked to do something that I don't inherently want to do, | 当有人要求我做一些 我本不想做的事时 |
| 589 | you're going to hear about it. | 你会听到的。 |
| 590 | That's kind of, right? | 这算是吧? |
| 591 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 592 | Yeah, that's true. | 没错 |
| 593 | I'm not kind of a put on a smile and do it anyway kind of girl. | 我不是那种在微笑和做它 无论如何,那种女孩。 |
| 594 | Which just long-term, and again, there's a range. | 这仅仅是长期的, 再一次,有一个范围。 |
| 595 | I always think how few parents of | 我总是觉得 父母很少 |
| 596 | 25 year olds tell me, I'm so proud of my compliant child. | 25岁的孩子告诉我 我为我的顺从孩子感到骄傲 |
| 597 | That kid just smiles, | 那孩子只是笑着 |
| 598 | no matter what's going on. | 不管发生什么事 |
| 599 | Have you ever heard that? | 你听说过吗? |
| 600 | Never. | 从来没有。 |
| 601 | And you actually hear parents say, | 你实际上听到父母说, |
| 602 | I'm actually really proud of my kid. | 我真的为我的孩子感到骄傲 |
| 603 | When something happens that they don't like, | 当发生他们不喜欢的事情时 |
| 604 | they've figured out maybe respectfully, hopefully, how to speak up about it. | 他们已经想通了,也许恭敬, 希望,如何说出来。 |
| 605 | And so | 这样 |
| 606 | she's on the pathway to be that kind of 25 year old who you're going to be- | 她正准备成为25岁的你... |
| 607 | She's so fiery. | 她是如此的狂热。 |
| 608 | Exactly. | 没错 |
| 609 | She's so fiery. | 她是如此的狂热。 |
| 610 | And our kids who are fiery and who frankly aren't really so people | 和我们的孩子谁是狂热的, 坦率地说,他们不是真正的人 |
| 611 | pleasing, they tend to do pretty well later on. | 令人愉快的是,他们往往 做得很好以后。 |
| 612 | They're just exhausting when they're young. | 他们年轻时只是累坏了. |
| 613 | And | 还有 |
| 614 | I don't know if that's very different from your other kid who's a little- | 我不知道这是否与你另一个孩子大不相同... |
| 615 | It's so different. | It然不同. |
| 616 | So what we say is my son, he cares about everybody's feelings. | 所以,我们说的是我儿子, 他关心每个人的感受。 |
| 617 | Yes. | 对 |
| 618 | Extremely empathetic. | 极有情义. |
| 619 | He cares about everybody's feelings. | 他关心每个人的感受 |
| 620 | My daughter cares about nobody's | 我女儿很关心别人 |
| 621 | feelings. | 感觉 |
| 622 | Well, she cares about her feelings. | 她很关心自己的感受 |
| 623 | She cares about her feelings. | 她关心自己的感受。 |
| 624 | That's right. | 没错 |
| 625 | And that's very typical first kid, second kid. | 这是非常典型的第一个孩子,第二个孩子。 |
| 626 | And one of the | 其中一个 |
| 627 | things that does happen, and this is a really good answer to the question, because all these | 事情确实发生了, 这是一个非常好的答案 这个问题,因为所有这些 |
| 628 | dynamics are really important to understand. | 动态对理解很重要。 |
| 629 | And this can happen in any family, but it isn't | 这在任何一个家庭都可能发生,但不是 |
| 630 | important to know that I've seen it, especially when there's two children in a family. | 特别是当一个家庭有两个孩子的时候 |
| 631 | It's | 这是 |
| 632 | especially likely to get kids on a binary because binaries exist in two. | 尤其有可能让孩子上二进制 因为二进制存在二进制 |
| 633 | So you have a kid who's | 所以你有个孩子 |
| 634 | the flexible one, a kid who's the selfish one, a kid who cares about everyone else, a kid who | 柔软的孩子,一个自私的孩子 一个关心其他人的孩子,一个孩子 |
| 635 | only cares about themselves, a kid who's generous with everyone, a kid who wants their own needs | 只关心自己 一个对每个人都慷慨大方的孩子 一个想要自己需要的孩子 |
| 636 | met first. | 先见. |
| 637 | And unintentionally, it's really easy to reinforce these things when there's two, | 无意中,当有两件事情的时候, 强化这些东西是很容易的, |
| 638 | because there's a binary. | 因为有一个二进制。 |
| 639 | I can be more like your brother. | 我可以像你哥哥一样 |
| 640 | Do you see him? | 你看到他了吗? |
| 641 | Do you see him | 你看到他了吗? |
| 642 | complaining? | 抱怨吗? |
| 643 | And then what my kid learns is, oh, I am the one in the family. | 然后,我的孩子学到的是, 哦,我是一个在家庭中。 |
| 644 | This is my role. | 这是我的角色。 |
| 645 | You're right. | 你说得对 |
| 646 | My brother's the one who cares about everyone else and is easy, and I'm the difficult, | 我哥哥才是关心别人的人 并且很轻松 而我却很困难 |
| 647 | fiery one, when actually both kids benefit from a little bit of the other. | 当两个孩子都从另一个中得益时, |
| 648 | And this is going to | 这将会是 |
| 649 | maybe be counterintuitive, and it's not my only suggestion. | 也许是反直觉的 这不是我唯一的建议 |
| 650 | But almost always, if you're in my | 但几乎总是,如果你在我的 |
| 651 | office, I'd probably say something like this. | 办公室,我可能会说 类似的东西。 |
| 652 | I want to talk about your son for a moment. | 我想谈谈你儿子的事 |
| 653 | Kind of worries me he never complains on his walks. | 我担心他从不抱怨他的行走 |
| 654 | And he'd be like, I don't think you heard me | 他就会说, 我想你没听到我的话 |
| 655 | right. | 对 |
| 656 | And I'd be like, no, I heard you right. | 而我会想,不,我听到你的权利。 |
| 657 | Why does he never complain? | 为什么他从来不抱怨? |
| 658 | Do you want him to be | 你想让他 |
| 659 | someone who just kind of walks along the road of anyone with a smile? | 一个人只是走在路上 任何人笑? |
| 660 | And the reason it's a | 原因是一个 |
| 661 | counterintuitive intervention that helps is often, especially with two kids, one kid has to give up | 反直觉干预 帮助是经常的, 尤其是两个孩子, 一个孩子必须放弃 |
| 662 | a little bit of always going with the flow and making life easy for the family for there to be | 总是随流而去 让家庭过上轻松的生活 |
| 663 | enough of that trait for the other kid to take on. | 足够让另一个孩子接受 |
| 664 | And so one of the things I would do, and I'll just | 所以我会做一件事,我会 |
| 665 | share a bunch of ideas, is I'd say, you guys, you know what's funny? | 分享一串想法,是我想说, 你们,你知道什么是有趣的? |
| 666 | When we go on walks, you're | 当我们去散步,你 |
| 667 | always so calm and smiley. | 总是这么冷静和微笑。 |
| 668 | Don't worry. | 别担心 |
| 669 | And you, I got it. | 还有你,我得到了它。 |
| 670 | Be here. | 在这里。 |
| 671 | I hate walking. | 我讨厌走路 |
| 672 | Do you guys think | 你们觉得 |
| 673 | a walk to Aunt Susie's house? | 去Susie阿姨家散步吗? |
| 674 | Like we could swap. | 像我们可以交换。 |
| 675 | Do you think just for 30 seconds, | 你觉得只有30秒 |
| 676 | whatever you're sensing, can you be like, oh, I really don't want to go. | 无论你感觉到什么, 你能像, 哦,我真的不想去。 |
| 677 | And could you be like, | 你能像, |
| 678 | you're so annoying. | 你真烦人 |
| 679 | It's just a short walk. | 师便走. |
| 680 | And there's such playfulness in it. | 里面有这么好玩的东西 |
| 681 | And it's actually | 事实上 |
| 682 | really true that I happen to think any trait that lives in a system, there's only a hundred percent | 真的,我碰巧认为任何特征 生活在一个系统,只有100% |
| 683 | of it. | 对 |
| 684 | And if one sibling is hogging a hundred percent of the generosity and flexibility, | 如果一个兄弟 百分百的慷慨和灵活 |
| 685 | there really is nothing for the other one. | 真的没有其他的。 |
| 686 | So that's one thing that, by the way, I would say | 顺便说一句,这就是一件事 |
| 687 | the same thing in another sibling. | 同样的事情 在另一个兄弟。 |
| 688 | I'd say, look, I know you always give your sister the red cup | 我会说,你看,我知道你总是给你妹妹红杯 |
| 689 | because she has a hard time. | 因为她很难过 |
| 690 | I'm actually going to help you keep the red cup because you actually | 其实我会帮你保管红杯 因为你真的 |
| 691 | need help keeping things when other people are upset. | 别人不高兴的时候需要帮忙保存东西 |
| 692 | It's not always good to give your stuff | 送东西并不总是好事 |
| 693 | away. | 离开。 |
| 694 | I'm going to help you keep it. | 我会帮你保管的 |
| 695 | And right. | 对 |
| 696 | And so it's just, it's like kind of intervening | 所以它只是, 它就像一种干预 |
| 697 | with like the good kid first. | 和好孩子一样 |
| 698 | How interesting. | 痷Τ届 |
| 699 | And it tends to really shift a system because | 它会真正改变一个系统 因为 |
| 700 | that's all a family is, is a system where we end up taking on more and more extreme roles. | 家庭就是这个系统 我们最终要扮演越来越极端的角色 |
| 701 | I think you're blowing my mind. | 我觉得你让我心碎了 |
| 702 | I'm thinking of all these things I could do with my son | 我在想我对我儿子能做的事 |
| 703 | and my daughter reversing their roles. | 和我女儿扭转他们的角色。 |
| 704 | Because I like the hundred percent thing. | 因为我喜欢百分之百的东西。 |
| 705 | Yes. | 对 |
| 706 | Where I remember complaining to my therapist years ago, and I'm curious if you and your wife | 记得几年前我向心理医生抱怨的地方 我很想知道你和你妻子 |
| 707 | get into this. | 进去吧 |
| 708 | It's like, seriously, my husband, it's crazy. | 这就像,严重的,我的丈夫,这是疯狂的。 |
| 709 | It's crazy. | 太疯狂了 |
| 710 | We get home from a long | 我们从很长一段时间回家 |
| 711 | weekend. | 周末来 |
| 712 | There's so much to unpack. | 有很多东西要收拾 |
| 713 | He's sitting on the couch after. | 他坐在沙发上之后。 |
| 714 | Who sits on the couch? | 谁坐在沙发上? |
| 715 | And | 还有 |
| 716 | my therapist, I'll never forget, goes, I think you need his help. | 我的心理医生,我永远不会忘记,去, 我想你需要他的帮助。 |
| 717 | And I was like, | 我当时想, |
| 718 | yeah, I need his help. | 是的,我需要他的帮助。 |
| 719 | I was so fired. | 我被炒鱿鱼了 |
| 720 | She goes, I think you need his help sitting on the couch. | 她走了,我觉得你需要他的帮助 坐在沙发上。 |
| 721 | I was like, are you, am I paying you for this advice? | 我当时想,你, 我付你这个建议? |
| 722 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 723 | I was like, what do you mean? | 我说的,什么意思? |
| 724 | Look, Becky, he owns all of the, I just had a long drive. | 听着,贝琪,他拥有所有的车,我开车去了 |
| 725 | I want to relax. | 我想放松点 |
| 726 | And you own | 你拥有 |
| 727 | all of the, we have to get this done right now. | 所有这一切,我们必须马上完成。 |
| 728 | Which by the way, no offense, you actually don't, | 顺便说一句,无意冒犯,其实你没有, |
| 729 | just to be honest. | 说实话 |
| 730 | I'm going to unpack. | 我去收拾东西 |
| 731 | I'm going to over function. | 我将过度功能。 |
| 732 | And if you ask for his help | 如果你要求他的帮助 |
| 733 | sitting down, my guess is you'd be shocked at one day when he goes, I'm going to get up and just | 坐着,我猜当他走的时候 你会很震惊,我会站起来的 |
| 734 | start unpacking. | 开始打包 |
| 735 | At least it paves the way for that. | 至少它为此铺平了道路。 |
| 736 | Because if you approach him as, why are you | 因为如果你接近他 为什么 |
| 737 | like this? | 像这样? |
| 738 | He's not going to say this because mostly unconscious. | 他不会这么说的 因为大多是无意识的 |
| 739 | He was like, that's who you | 他就像,这就是你 |
| 740 | are. | 对 |
| 741 | That's you. | 这就是你。 |
| 742 | And so it was it. | 就是这样 |
| 743 | And it really did change things. | 它真的改变了事情。 |
| 744 | I hate to admit it. | 我讨厌承认 |
| 745 | And I've | 而我已经 |
| 746 | seen it change things with my kids when I approach things that way, because it just puts more in the | 看到它改变的事情 与我的孩子,当我 对待事情, |
| 747 | system to kind of redistribute. | 系统可以进行再分配 |
| 748 | Before we continue, I want to take a quick moment to tell you about | 在我们继续之前 我想花点时间告诉你 |
| 749 | One thing that we have really enjoyed in my family are our 90s themed movie nights. | 我们家真正享受的一件事 就是我们90年代的电影夜 |
| 750 | So typically | 这么典型 |
| 751 | once a week, maybe once every other week, we do a 90s theme movie where Sierra and I kind of get to | 每周一次,也许每隔一周一次, 我们做一部90年代的主题电影 在那里,我和Sierra有种得到 |
| 752 | relive a 90s nostalgic movie. | 重温90年代怀旧电影. |
| 753 | We're talking like the Sandlot or something. | 我们说话就像桑德洛特之类的 |
| 754 | And we're introducing it | 我们介绍一下 |
| 755 | to our kids. | 给我们的孩子。 |
| 756 | And we love it. | 我们喜欢它。 |
| 757 | One thing that we have been using every time we do one of these, | 我们每次做这些都用过一件事 |
| 758 | and it's kind of become a thing of contention, is the Cozy Earth blanket. | 和它有点成为争议的事情, 是舒适的地球毯。 |
| 759 | In fact, it's called | 事实上,这叫做 |
| 760 | the cuddle blanket. | 拥抱毯。 |
| 761 | It's weighted. | 即是加权. |
| 762 | It feels like a bear rug. | 感觉像熊地毯 |
| 763 | I'm telling you, every time we get | 我告诉你,每次我们得到 |
| 764 | under it, and our whole family can fit under it, one of us is falling asleep. | 在它之下,而我们全家可以适应它, 我们中的一个正在睡着了。 |
| 765 | Usually it's, yes, | 通常,这是,是的, |
| 766 | it's this guy. | 是这家伙 |
| 767 | I'm typically falling asleep. | 我典型的睡着了。 |
| 768 | But I'm telling you, if you love family movie nights, | 但我告诉你 如果你喜欢家庭电影之夜 |
| 769 | or you just like a nice cozy cuddle time by yourself with some tea, you need to go try out | 或者你只是喜欢一个舒适的拥抱时间 一个人喝茶,你需要去试试 |
| 770 | this cuddle blanket. | 这个拥抱毯。 |
| 771 | I mean it. | 我是认真的。 |
| 772 | I love it. | 我喜欢它。 |
| 773 | I cannot recommend it enough. | 我不能建议它足够。 |
| 774 | CozyEarth.com 斜线 | |
| 775 | Jefferson. | 杰弗逊 |
| 776 | 用Jefferson的密码来扣20% | |
| 777 | 这是CozyEarth.com的刀锋杰斐逊。 | |
| 778 | Use the | 使用 |
| 779 | code Jefferson for 20% off. | 杰斐逊的密码是20% |
| 780 | And now let's keep going. | 现在让我们继续前进。 |
| 781 | I'm smiling so much because I'm seeing all | 我笑了这么多,因为我看到了所有 |
| 782 | the things in my whole family where who has a hundred percent of a thing. | 我全家所有的东西 谁有百分之百的东西。 |
| 783 | Yes. | 对 |
| 784 | And if somebody | 如果有人 |
| 785 | has a hundred percent of the thing, then it leaves no space for anybody else. | 百分之百的东西, 然后它留下没有空间给其他人。 |
| 786 | A hundred percent. | 百分百都一样 |
| 787 | And | 还有 |
| 788 | this is not my way. | 这不是我的方式。 |
| 789 | In so many marriages, I think people say, I over function. | 在这么多的婚姻中,我想人们说, 我超越了功能。 |
| 790 | It doesn't let your | 它不会让你 |
| 791 | partner off the hook. | 搭档从钩。 |
| 792 | Of course they have to do more. | 当然,他们必须做更多的工作。 |
| 793 | But it's a really, usually we can't solve a | 但它是一个真正的, 通常我们无法解决 |
| 794 | problem. | 问题。 |
| 795 | I know you know this too. | 我知道你也知道这一点。 |
| 796 | It's because our mindset, if our mindset is keeping us stuck, | 因为我们的心态,如果我们的心态 使我们困住, |
| 797 | you don't need another strategy. | 你不需要别的策略 |
| 798 | You need to switch your mindset, kind of see something in a new way. | 你需要转变你的思维, 一种以新的方式看到的东西。 |
| 799 | And the idea of, oh, am I hogging something? | 我是不是在偷东西? |
| 800 | It's just so different. | 它只是如此不同。 |
| 801 | And it also adds some levity. | 也增加了一些轻便。 |
| 802 | Right. | 对 |
| 803 | You just kind of laugh, which also helps you get a little unstuck. | 你只是有点笑, 这也帮助你得到 一点点不粘。 |
| 804 | Well, I've just never | 好吧,我只是从来没有 |
| 805 | thought of the, you know, well, maybe he needs your help sitting down. | 也许他需要你的帮助 |
| 806 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 807 | Or maybe, you know, for my | 也许,你知道,对我来说 |
| 808 | son, you know, he needs, you need to be a little bit more complaining. | 儿子,你知道,他需要, 你需要多一点抱怨。 |
| 809 | That's right. | 没错 |
| 810 | Or you could | 或者你可以... ... 或者你应该... |
| 811 | go into her room one day and be like, this is going to sound so weird. | 有一天,进入她的房间 和喜欢,这是要去听起来如此奇怪。 |
| 812 | And I know we talk about you | 我知道我们谈起你 |
| 813 | complaining on drives. | 抱怨驱动器。 |
| 814 | Is it ever kind of annoying that your brother doesn't complain? | 你弟弟不抱怨是不是有点烦人? |
| 815 | Like ever | 永远 |
| 816 | thinking he's so annoying. | 觉得他太烦人了 |
| 817 | He's so calm. | 他很冷静 |
| 818 | He's so perfect all the time. | 他总是那么完美 |
| 819 | I would understand that. | 我可以理解这一点。 |
| 820 | And then you just leave it. | 然后你就离开它。 |
| 821 | You're not throwing your son under the bus, right? | 你不会把你儿子扔到巴士下面吧? |
| 822 | It also just kind | 也不错 |
| 823 | of shifts because I think what happens with quote bad behavior in general is kids always respond to | 换班,因为我觉得,如果引用的话, 坏的举止是,孩子总是回应 |
| 824 | the version of themselves we reflect back. | 我们反省一下他们自己 |
| 825 | We're a mirror. | 我们是镜子 |
| 826 | That's like our main kind of role as a | 这就像我们的主要角色 |
| 827 | parent. | 父关系。 |
| 828 | We reflect to our kids, not just how they're behaving, but who they're becoming. | 我们反省我们的孩子, 不仅仅是他们的行为, 他们正在变成谁。 |
| 829 | And so when you say to a kid who never shares, you never share, why are you so selfish? | 所以当你对一个从不分享,从不分享的孩子说, 你为什么这么自私? |
| 830 | If you think about that from the perspective of being a mirror, well, I can't reinforce the | 如果你从镜子的角度来考虑, 我无法强化 |
| 831 | identity of being a bad, selfish kid and expect a lot of generous behavior. | 是一个坏的,自私的孩子 并期望很多慷慨的行为。 |
| 832 | And this example, | 这个例子, |
| 833 | I will never forget the moment I was so frustrated with my daughter. | 我永远不会忘记我对我女儿这么沮丧的时刻。 |
| 834 | And I wanted to say, | 我想说, |
| 835 | why don't you share with your brother? | 为什么你不和你哥哥分享? |
| 836 | Your brother gives you all of his snacks all the time. | 你哥哥总是给你所有的零食 |
| 837 | I had a good moment and I said, I don't know what's going to happen. | 我有一个好时机,我说, 我不知道会发生什么。 |
| 838 | I see he wants some of | 我看见他想要一些 |
| 839 | your snacks. | 你的点心。 |
| 840 | All I can tell you is you have as much generosity as anyone else in this family. | 我只能告诉你 你和这个家庭里的其他人一样慷慨 |
| 841 | I know you do. | 我知道你会的 |
| 842 | And I remember this exact moment because he wanted | 我记得这个时刻 因为他想要 |
| 843 | the certain like Cheez-It things from the Chex mix. | 像切斯 -它的东西 从切斯组合。 |
| 844 | And she gave him pretzels. | 她给了他椒盐卷饼 |
| 845 | Okay. | 摆 |
| 846 | Not perfect, | 还不完美 |
| 847 | but like a huge, huge growth step. | 但像一个巨大的,巨大的增长步骤。 |
| 848 | And I think it's, it actually is not different from what you said | 我觉得这和你说的没什么不同 |
| 849 | so naturally. | 自然而然。 。 。 |
| 850 | What you see your kid is capable of doing tomorrow. | 你看见你的孩子明天能做什么 |
| 851 | If I can't see the generosity | 如果我看不到慷慨的话 |
| 852 | inside my kid, how is my kid going to see it in themselves? | 在我的孩子里面, 我的孩子怎么会看到它自己? |
| 853 | How are they supposed to see it in | 他们怎么看? |
| 854 | themselves? | 他们自己? |
| 855 | I want to switch gears to boundaries. | 我想把齿轮换到边界 |
| 856 | I have a certain way that I like to communicate | 我有某种方式我喜欢交流 |
| 857 | because you and I both talk in communication that I like to communicate boundaries. | 因为你和我在交流中 都喜欢交流界限 |
| 858 | I need to know | и璶笵 |
| 859 | from the source, Dr. Becky, on how do you like to communicate boundaries to kids? | 贝琪博士,从消息来源来看,你喜欢怎样向孩子们传达界限? |
| 860 | Often. | 经常 |
| 861 | Clearly. | 显然 |
| 862 | Frequently. | 经常这样 |
| 863 | Frequently, sturdily. | 时常坚固. |
| 864 | Well, I think, and I think you and I have a lot of | 嗯,我想,我觉得你和我有很多 |
| 865 | overlap here. | 这里重叠。 |
| 866 | I think people really misunderstand boundaries because over and over all of parents | 我觉得人们真的误解了界限 因为超越了所有父母 |
| 867 | just say, my kid doesn't listen to me. | 只是说,我的孩子不听我的。 |
| 868 | My kid doesn't respect my boundaries. | 我的孩子不尊重我的界限。 |
| 869 | And I'll say, | 我会说, |
| 870 | oh, sounds like that sounds exhausting. | 听起来很累 |
| 871 | Tell me more. | 告诉我更多。 |
| 872 | And I always get something like this. | 我总是得到这样的东西。 |
| 873 | Okay. | 摆 |
| 874 | Well, my kids watching TV and they know one episode, one episode and turn off, turn off the | 我的孩子看电视 他们知道一集 一集 然后关机 关机 |
| 875 | TV, turn it off. | 电视,关掉它。 |
| 876 | Okay. | 摆 |
| 877 | I'm going to, and then I always laugh because we always just start counting | 我要去,然后我总是笑,因为我们总是开始数 |
| 878 | as parents. | 作为父母。 |
| 879 | Like, I don't know if you see that adult or CEOs do that. | 喜欢,我不知道你是否看到 成年人或CEO这样做。 |
| 880 | I've just never seen it | 我只是从来没有见过 |
| 881 | I'm going to count. | 我会数的 |
| 882 | I'm going to count to five. | 我数到五 |
| 883 | And I count to five. | 我数到五 |
| 884 | Five. | 五门. |
| 885 | I got three. | 我有三个 |
| 886 | Three. | 三个 |
| 887 | Whatever it is. | 随其所为. |
| 888 | {\fn黑体\fs22\bord1\shad0\3aHBE\4aH00\fscx67\fscy66\2cHFFFFFF\3cH808080}我还算着我的孩子 {\fn黑体\fs22\bord1\shad0\3aHBE\4aH00\fscx67\fscy66\2cHFFFFFF\3cH808080}除非有人喜欢他们 | |
| 889 | not going to do it. | 不这样做。 |
| 890 | And then I make a threat that I have no intention of keeping. | 然后,我发出一个威胁 我不打算保持。 |
| 891 | If you don't turn | 如果你不转身 |
| 892 | off the TV, no dessert tonight. | 今晚不要吃甜点 |
| 893 | And then I go over and I say, you know what? | 然后我过去说,你知道吗? |
| 894 | That's it. | 就这样 |
| 895 | You're | 琌 |
| 896 | punished. | 惩罚。 |
| 897 | And then you come to my house and my kid doesn't listen. | 然后你来到我家 我的孩子不听。 |
| 898 | And I would say all due respect, | 我会说所有应有的尊重, |
| 899 | that is not a boundary. | 这不是一个边界。 |
| 900 | Right. | 对 |
| 901 | And so I think we just start with what a boundary is before we know | 所以,我想我们只是从什么 边界是什么之前,我们知道 |
| 902 | how to deliver it. | 如何交付. |
| 903 | And to me, a boundary is something you tell your kid you will do, | 对我来说,一个界限是 你告诉你的孩子你会做的, |
| 904 | and it requires your kid to do nothing. | 这要求你的孩子什么都不做 |
| 905 | Requires your kid to do nothing. | 让你的孩子什么都不做 |
| 906 | Requires your kid to do | 让你的孩子做 |
| 907 | nothing. | 没什么 |
| 908 | Okay. | 摆 |
| 909 | So in that situation, a boundary, first of all, in that situation, you should never | 因此,在这种情况下,一个边界, 首先,在这种情况下,你不应该 |
| 910 | let your kid watch TV while holding the remote. | 让孩子一边看电视一边拿着遥控器 |
| 911 | It's just a setup for failure. | 这只是失败的设置. |
| 912 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 913 | So, but let's | 所以,但让我们 |
| 914 | say my kid is holding the remote. | 说我的孩子拿着遥控器 |
| 915 | Turn off the TV. | 关掉电视 |
| 916 | It doesn't happen. | 亦不发生. |
| 917 | Hey, it looks like it's hard | 嘿,看起来很困难 |
| 918 | for you to turn off the TV. | 让你关掉电视 |
| 919 | I'm going to walk over to you. | 我走过去找你 |
| 920 | And if by the time I get there, | 如果我到达那里时 |
| 921 | you're not able to turn it off, I will grab the remote from your hand and turn it off myself. | 你无法关闭它, 我会抓住遥控器 从你的手,并关闭它自己。 |
| 922 | And I would do that. | 我愿意这样做。 |
| 923 | Because people are like, but then would you do that? | 因为人们喜欢,但你会这样做吗? |
| 924 | Like, I feel like what do | 喜欢,我觉得如何做 |
| 925 | people think we work out for when we have young kids? | 人们认为我们工作了 当我们有年幼的孩子? |
| 926 | I work out for those exact moments. | 我为那些时刻而工作 |
| 927 | Like, | 喜欢, |
| 928 | why my biceps are doing something so wrong? | 为什么我的双胞胎做错什么了? |
| 929 | That's right. | 没错 |
| 930 | I know. | 我知道,我记得 |
| 931 | I felt them early on. | 我早就感觉到了 |
| 932 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 933 | There we go. | 开始了 |
| 934 | It's from the remote battles back in the day. | 早年从远战而来. |
| 935 | And then I think people think | 然后我想人们会觉得 |
| 936 | my children, my house say some version of here you go. | 我的孩子,我家说一些版本 在这里你去那里。 |
| 937 | You're such a sturdy leader. | 你真是个坚强的领袖 |
| 938 | I know you're | 我知道你们是 |
| 939 | doing this for me. | 这样做是为了我。 |
| 940 | No, your kid has one response to a boundary. | 不,你的孩子有一个回应 一个边界。 |
| 941 | If they're not used to it, | 如果他们不习惯它, |
| 942 | they freak out. | 他们吓坏了。 |
| 943 | And then you can say something short and sweet. | 然后,你可以说一些简短和甜蜜的话。 |
| 944 | I think we've gotten this wrong. | 我想我们弄错了 |
| 945 | And I talk about validating feelings, but we over talk feelings. | 我谈论验证感情, 但我们谈论感情。 |
| 946 | Like I would just say, | 就像我说的, |
| 947 | oh, I know that stinks. | 哦,我知道这臭。 |
| 948 | Then I turn off the TV and I stop talking. | 然后把电视关了,我就不说话了 |
| 949 | Not have you seen the research? | 你没看过研究吗? |
| 950 | It's not good for your brain. | 这对你的大脑不好 |
| 951 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 952 | Were you over? | 你结束了吗? |
| 953 | So I'm going to say what I'm going to do. | 故说如来功德. |
| 954 | I'm going to expect my kid to protest. | 我期待我的孩子来抗议 |
| 955 | I know I'm going to tolerate that protest. | 我知道我会容忍抗议的 |
| 956 | And then the way I'm going to hold the boundary actually just has to do with my behavior in that | 然后,我要持有边界的方式 实际上只是 与我的行为在那 |
| 957 | moment. | 等会儿 |
| 958 | What I do or don't do, not anymore with my language. | 我做什么或不做什么, 不再用我的语言。 |
| 959 | How does that vibe with your sense of | 感觉如何? |
| 960 | boundaries? | 边界 ? |
| 961 | I love it. | 我喜欢它。 |
| 962 | What I do is like you people, like these concise little things. | 我所做的就是像你们一样 像这些简洁的小东西 |
| 963 | What you're doing is my child is doing something that I do not want them to do. | 你所做的是我的孩子在做一些我不想让他们做的事 |
| 964 | And I now need to | 现在我需要 |
| 965 | intervene. | 干预。 |
| 966 | And my wife does, she follows what you do on the, I can see you're having a hard time. | 我妻子也照你的做法做 我看得出来你很辛苦 |
| 967 | I can see that we're having a hard time letting go. | 我知道我们很难放手 |
| 968 | I see that you need help getting your shoes | 我看你需要帮忙拿鞋 |
| 969 | on. | 继续 |
| 970 | Because we've told you to put on your shoes three times and that hasn't happened kind of thing. | 因为我们告诉你穿上你的鞋三次 而那件事没有发生 |
| 971 | Very different from the way when it's just pure words and communication of you can't backtalk to | 和纯粹的言语和交流 无法背对 |
| 972 | me and turning that into, I don't respond to backtalk. | 我和它变成, 我不回应回话。 |
| 973 | You see that that letting that be the | 你看,让这是 |
| 974 | boundary. | 边界。 |
| 975 | If you're going to continue to backtalk me, then we're going to spend the rest of the | 如果你要继续背对着我 那我们就花掉剩下的钱 |
| 976 | afternoon doing X or then we're going to be doing X, Y, and Z. | 下午做X,不然我们就做X,Y,Z. |
| 977 | And that consequence being something | 而这个后果是某事 |
| 978 | that you're actually going to be willing to do. | 你实际上会 愿意这样做。 |
| 979 | Don't assign the false consequence. | 别给错误的后果分配 |
| 980 | To me, | 对我来说 |
| 981 | that's one of the biggest crimes you can have of putting a consequence of, if you don't, | 这是最大的罪行之一,你可以 将后果,如果你不这样做, |
| 982 | I'm going to take away this toy. | 我要把这玩具拿走 |
| 983 | You have really no intention of taking away. | 你真的没有 打算带走。 |
| 984 | I'm going to sell all your things. | 我要卖掉你所有的东西 |
| 985 | Don't say things that don't have a true consequence. | 勿说无真实果报. |
| 986 | Right. | 对 |
| 987 | I learned that the real hard way. | 我学会了真正的艰难方法。 |
| 988 | My youngest is 0% people pleasing. | 我最小的是百分之零的人喜欢。 |
| 989 | I mean, | 我是说... |
| 990 | he's amazing. | 他是惊人的。 |
| 991 | He's so charismatic, like a lot of these kids are. | 他很有魅力 像很多这些孩子一样 |
| 992 | And there was a time | 曾经有一次 |
| 993 | I was not at my best because I'm not always either. | 我并不尽善尽美 因为我也不总是这样 |
| 994 | And I was like, if you keep doing this, | 我当时想,如果你继续这样做, |
| 995 | I'm going to take away all your stuffed animals. | 我要带走你所有的动物 |
| 996 | This is a kid who feels so much older than his | 这孩子比他年长得多 |
| 997 | age, but does sleep with stuffed animals because it's really a softie. | 年纪大了,但和被填充的动物睡觉 因为它真的很软 |
| 998 | And that's like the meanest | 这就像最卑鄙的 |
| 999 | thing I could say. | 我能说的 |
| 1000 | I'm going to take away your stuffed animals. | 我要带走你的动物 |
| 1001 | This kid walked to his room. | 这孩子走进他的房间。 |
| 1002 | He got the stool. | 他得到了凳子。 |
| 1003 | He gets a roller suitcase from the top of his shelf. | 他的货架顶端有个滚筒 |
| 1004 | Oh, no. | 哦,没有。 |
| 1005 | He takes all of his stuffed animals, puts them in. | 他把所有的动物都放进去了 |
| 1006 | Gives it back. | 还给. |
| 1007 | Here you go. | 给你 |
| 1008 | I was like, one, zero. | 我就像,一,零。 |
| 1009 | Yeah, that was good. | 是啊,这是很好的。 |
| 1010 | But I think your reversal, Jefferson, | 但我认为你的逆转 杰斐逊 |
| 1011 | is interesting. | 这很有趣 |
| 1012 | You can't talk to me that way. | 你不能那样跟我说话 |
| 1013 | You're right. | 你说得对 |
| 1014 | That's not in your power. | 这不是你的能力。 |
| 1015 | Your boundaries are your power. | 你的边界是你的力量。 |
| 1016 | So to give it away to your toddler, it's not a good bet. | 故以献之于小儿,不善注也. |
| 1017 | Hey, | 顿 |
| 1018 | if you keep talking to me that way, whatever you say next, here's how we're going to spend our | 如果你继续这样跟我说话 无论你接下来说什么 |
| 1019 | afternoon, or I'm just going to stay silent because I know you can do better. | 下午好,否则我就保持沉默 因为我知道你能做得更好 |
| 1020 | And then you | 还有你 |
| 1021 | do stay silent until they calm down. | 保持安静,直到他们冷静下来。 |
| 1022 | You're asserting what you will do. | 你坚持你会做什么。 |
| 1023 | And so then the | 所以,接下来 |
| 1024 | success of the boundary has nothing to do with your wit, which is I think that's the key. | 边界的成功与你的智慧无关 我认为这是关键 |
| 1025 | Well, there are two different things. | 有两件事不同 |
| 1026 | I think what you do is spot on with if there's an activity | 我想如果有活动的话,你就会发现 |
| 1027 | that I now need to intervene on. | 我现在需要干预。 |
| 1028 | If there is where that kid is back talking, rude behavior, | 如果有那个孩子回来说话,粗鲁的行为, |
| 1029 | yelling, having that kind of thing, then they both work in tandem with each other. | 大喊大叫,有这种东西, 然后他们都工作在一起。 |
| 1030 | Because to me, | 因为对我来说, |
| 1031 | it's here's my requirement for how we're going to interact. | 我要求我们如何互动 |
| 1032 | I've made my choice. | 我决定了 |
| 1033 | What comes next, | 接下来呢? |
| 1034 | that choice is yours. | 选择权在你 |
| 1035 | And if you want to continue to act rude, then this is where we're going to go. | 如果你想继续无礼, 那么这就是我们要去的地方。 |
| 1036 | But understand, that's the consequence of your behavior and your action. | 但理解,这就是你的行为和行为的后果. |
| 1037 | I found it funny on | 我发现这很有趣 |
| 1038 | 123 because one of the things I was going to ask was, does 123 really work? | 123 因为我要问的是 123真的有用吗? |
| 1039 | I grew up on the 123, | 我在123号公路上长大的 |
| 1040 | and I absolutely have used and will occasionally still use the 123. | 我绝对使用过 偶尔还会使用123 |
| 1041 | When I need them to go upstairs | 当我需要他们上楼时 |
| 1042 | and get ready for bath, they know how to get ready for bath. | 准备洗澡 他们知道怎么准备洗澡 |
| 1043 | They're just kind of playing around. | 他们只是玩耍而已 |
| 1044 | They're finding some ways to procrastinate. | 他们正在想办法拖延时间 |
| 1045 | When I get to two, my son's gone. | 当我到了两个,我的儿子走了。 |
| 1046 | Of course he does. | 当然了 |
| 1047 | My daughter will look at me and count to three. | 我女儿会看着我数到三 |
| 1048 | She'll say three to my face. | 她会当着我的面说三个 |
| 1049 | I love her. | 我爱她。 |
| 1050 | I love your son too. | 我也爱你的儿子 |
| 1051 | She suffers no fools. | 她没有被愚弄 |
| 1052 | It's the best that way. | 这是最好的方法。 |
| 1053 | What I've done instead is I will just do | 我所做的是,我会做 |
| 1054 | sometimes I'll make it fun as a, like, can y'all beat me up there? | 有时候我会让它有趣 就像,你们可以打我在那里? |
| 1055 | A hundred percent. | 百分百都一样 |
| 1056 | Then if I do that, it's like, y'all can't beat me. | 如果我这么做,你们都打不赢我 |
| 1057 | Then it's as soon as I act like I'm going, | 然后只要我表现得像我要去, |
| 1058 | they're gone because they want to, and then it's now it's a team. | 他们走了,因为他们想, 然后它现在是一个团队。 |
| 1059 | They won against you. | 他们赢了你。 |
| 1060 | And look, kids like that, like your daughter or my son, they have this need and it's healthy. | 看,孩子喜欢那样, 像你的女儿或我的儿子, 他们有这种需要,这是健康的。 |
| 1061 | It doesn't have to be unhealthy to feel powerful. | 感觉强大并不需要不健康. |
| 1062 | And they always want to tell their parent, | 他们总是想告诉父母, |
| 1063 | hey, I know you're bigger than me, but I really need you to know I'm a person too. | 嘿,我知道你比我大, 但我真的需要你知道 我也是一个人。 |
| 1064 | Right? | 对吧? |
| 1065 | Which I, she's like three. | 我,她就像三个。 |
| 1066 | Yeah, this was, she got three. | 是啊,这是,她有3。 |
| 1067 | Three. | 三个 |
| 1068 | I'm going to say it before you say two. | 我先说两句. |
| 1069 | One, three. | 一,三岁. |
| 1070 | Yes. | 对 |
| 1071 | Now what? | 现在怎么办? |
| 1072 | Like, what do you got? | 喜欢,你有什么? |
| 1073 | Exactly. | 没错 |
| 1074 | And what you're actually doing in a game is you're giving her a much | 你其实在游戏中做的就是 给她一个 |
| 1075 | more pro-socially effective way to feel powerful. | 更有利于社会的有效方式来感受力量 |
| 1076 | And you're great at doing it, of having all these tips of make a game, | 你擅长做, 拥有所有这些小费的游戏, |
| 1077 | find a way to make a game into it. | 想办法把游戏弄进去 |
| 1078 | And that's true with her. | 对她来说也是 |
| 1079 | I can make a game all of a sudden. | 我可以做一个游戏 突然。 |
| 1080 | It's totally different. | 这是完全不同的。 |
| 1081 | Another thing, kids like that, not if you've ever tried it with her, | 还有一件事,孩子喜欢这样, 如果你曾经尝试过她, |
| 1082 | because there are times when you're like, I can't make a game or I just like need you to do this | 因为有时你喜欢, 我不能做一个游戏 或者我只是喜欢需要你做这个 |
| 1083 | thing. | 东西。 |
| 1084 | And I remember this moment, I was sitting with my youngest, sorry, I was not sitting, | 我记得这一刻,我坐在 我最小的,对不起,我没有坐, |
| 1085 | you'll hear why. | 你会听到为什么。 |
| 1086 | He was sitting on a disgusting New York City sidewalk and I was crouching. | 他坐在一个恶心的纽约市人行道上 而我蹲着 |
| 1087 | Even I won't really sit there. | 即使我也不会坐在那里。 |
| 1088 | And he wouldn't walk to a restaurant we were going to. | 他不会走进我们要去的餐厅 |
| 1089 | I'm not | 我没有 |
| 1090 | going. | 继续 |
| 1091 | Right? | 对吧? |
| 1092 | And he was big. | 和他是大块头。 |
| 1093 | So I was like, okay, I started doing this random thing and my husband | 所以我想,好吧,我开始做这个随机的事情 和我的丈夫 |
| 1094 | was like, what are you doing? | 你们在干嘛? |
| 1095 | I was like, what is, I can't remember what it was, but it was a | 我当时想,什么是, 我不记得是什么,但它是一个 |
| 1096 | math equation. | 数学方程式. |
| 1097 | I was like, what is, if I have two groups of apples, I just kind of, he's a kid who | 我当时就想 如果我有两组苹果 我只是有点 他是一个孩子 |
| 1098 | really loves math and he feels very strong and capable at math. | 非常喜欢数学,他觉得很强壮,很擅长数学。 |
| 1099 | And I kind of knew he was sitting | 我知道他坐着 |
| 1100 | down as a way of saying, I'm a strong, capable kid. | 顺便说一句,我是一个强壮,有能力的孩子。 |
| 1101 | What are you going to do? | 你打算怎么办? |
| 1102 | And I was like, | 我当时想, |
| 1103 | I wonder if I give him some like kind of random exit into a different form of capability, | 我不知道我是否给他一些类似 随机退出的方式 另一种形式的能力, |
| 1104 | if he'll kind of get that need met. | 如果他能满足需要的话 |
| 1105 | I swear it was insane. | 我发誓这是疯了。 |
| 1106 | What ended up happening, he stands up. | 结果他站起来了 |
| 1107 | He's like, that's not the right answer. | 他喜欢,这不是正确的答案。 |
| 1108 | It's this. | 这是这个。 |
| 1109 | He was like, walked into it. | 他像,走进它。 |
| 1110 | I was like, | 我当时想, |
| 1111 | got you. | 逮到你了,我马上回来 |
| 1112 | And so I'm curious for your daughter with even like, if you don't have it in you to run up | 所以我很好奇你的女儿 和甚至一样,如果你没有 它在你身上跑起来 |
| 1113 | the stairs, what is her area of expertise? | 她的专长是什么? |
| 1114 | Like, I know someone else who's like, I tried this by | 喜欢,我知道别人 谁喜欢,我尝试了这个 |
| 1115 | saying the wrong song lyrics to something from Frozen. | 说错了歌词 从冻结的东西。 |
| 1116 | My daughter's obsessed with Frozen. | 我女儿迷恋着冷冻 |
| 1117 | And | 还有 |
| 1118 | as soon as she corrected me, the cooperation followed. | 一旦她纠正了我 合作就随之而来 |
| 1119 | She's definitely that. | 她绝对是这样 |
| 1120 | She'll find | 她会发现 |
| 1121 | a way to kind of add her two cents. | 一种加她两美分的方法。 |
| 1122 | My favorite thing that she says right now is, my son's never | 我最喜欢的一件事,她现在说, 我儿子从来没有 |
| 1123 | said this and here she is six and she's goes, why do you always have to tell me what to do? | 说到这里,她才六岁,她就走了 为什么你总要告诉我该怎么做? |
| 1124 | Like that was her line and how I thought, you know what? | 就像那是她的台词 和我的想法,你知道吗? |
| 1125 | I'd be frustrated about that too. | 我也觉得很沮丧 |
| 1126 | I'm always being told what to do. | 常受教诲. |
| 1127 | So I just kind of laugh it off of, baby, I get it. | 所以我有点笑了,宝贝,我明白了。 |
| 1128 | You know what? | 你知道吗? |
| 1129 | Sometimes I don't want to be told what to do either. | 有时我也不想听别人说该怎么做 |
| 1130 | You know, daddy gets told what to do too | 你知道,爸爸也被告知该怎么做 |
| 1131 | sometimes. | 有时 |
| 1132 | You know what? | 你知道吗? |
| 1133 | I don't really like it either. | 我也不喜欢 |
| 1134 | I think that's, it's the plight of a child. | 我认为,这是一个孩子的困境。 |
| 1135 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 1136 | Right. | 对 |
| 1137 | For sure. | 当然 |
| 1138 | Do you think that boundaries change as the boundaries that you need to give | 你是否认为边界随着你需要给予的边界而改变? |
| 1139 | to a kid, do those boundaries change as they get older? | 对一个孩子,这些界限会随着年龄的增长而改变吗? |
| 1140 | Yes. | 对 |
| 1141 | And your ability to set true | 和你的能力 确定真实 |
| 1142 | boundaries versus a request with an older kid gets increasingly hard. | 与一个年长的孩子的请求相比 边界变得越来越困难 |
| 1143 | Young kid, hey, it's too | 年轻人,嘿,这是太 |
| 1144 | hard to leave the playground. | 很难离开操场。 |
| 1145 | I'm going to pick you up and carry you to the car. | 我将接你并载你上车。 |
| 1146 | My kid's three. | 我儿子三岁 |
| 1147 | It | 这个 |
| 1148 | stinks, but they can do that. | 臭气熏天,但他们可以做到这一点。 |
| 1149 | My kid's 14. | 我的孩子14岁了 |
| 1150 | Hey, it's time to leave the party. | 嘿,是时候离开派对了 |
| 1151 | I'm going to carry you. | 我将背负你。 |
| 1152 | Definitely not happening. | 绝对不会发生。 |
| 1153 | Or a kid's 16. | 或者一个孩子的16岁。 |
| 1154 | The phone charges in the kitchen as an example. | 厨房的电话费就是一个例子。 |
| 1155 | Or they can drive. | 或者他们可以开车。 |
| 1156 | That's right. | 没错 |
| 1157 | I mean, there are most boundaries, the truth is, | 我的意思是,有很多的界限, 事实是, |
| 1158 | as people get older, are more requests that you need some cooperation around. | 随着人们老化, 更多的要求 你需要一些合作周围。 |
| 1159 | Because again, | 因为,再次, |
| 1160 | they're bigger. | 他们更大。 |
| 1161 | You can tell them what you're going to do. | 你可以告诉他们你要做什么 |
| 1162 | But I think what that means is older kids | 但我觉得这意味着 年长的孩子 |
| 1163 | definitely need boundaries, especially around screens, especially around phones, especially | 绝对需要边界,尤其是围着屏幕, 特别是电话周围, |
| 1164 | what's in their room at night, things like that. | 晚上在他们房间里的东西, 类似的东西。 |
| 1165 | But the importance of being connected to your kid | 但与你孩子联系的重要性 |
| 1166 | only matters more as you get older, because that's the only way your kid will listen to | 只有你长大了才重要 因为只有这样你孩子才会听 |
| 1167 | anything you say. | 随你怎么说 |
| 1168 | The only reason a teenager is going to tell you the truth or cooperate on | 只有一个原因 青少年会告诉你真相或合作 |
| 1169 | something that they don't inherently want to do when they're 15 versus five is that they have over | 15岁对5岁的时候 他们本来就不想做的事 就是他们结束了 |
| 1170 | the course of their many years felt seen by you, respected by you. | 被你所看见 被你尊重 |
| 1171 | And sometimes I think, | 有时候我觉得, |
| 1172 | the adolescents that we have in America has traditionally been full of so many arguments, | 我们在美国的青少年 传统上充满了这么多的争论, |
| 1173 | the teen years are the worst. | 十几岁是最糟糕的 |
| 1174 | And look, teens are meant to separate from their parents and they | 看,十几岁是打算和父母分开的 |
| 1175 | all overcorrect before we kind of come back. | 在我们回来之前 都太过正确了 |
| 1176 | So we have to push our parents away. | 所以我们得把父母推开 |
| 1177 | But I do think | 但我确实认为 |
| 1178 | that if you have parented your kid only through rewards, punishments, fear, your kid becomes | 如果你只通过奖赏 惩罚 恐惧 来养育你的孩子 |
| 1179 | 14. | 14个 |
| 1180 | And if they're not a people pleaser, they look at you and they just think, | 如果他们不是讨人喜欢的人, 他们看着你,他们只是想, |
| 1181 | I am not scared of you. | 我不怕你 我怕的是你 我怕的是你 我怕的是你 |
| 1182 | And I don't care about your stickers. | 我不在乎你的贴纸 |
| 1183 | I don't care about your stickers. | 我不管你的贴纸 |
| 1184 | And we have missed 14 years of having a relationship. | 我们错过了14年的关系 |
| 1185 | So that rule about my phone, | 所以,关于我的电话的规则, |
| 1186 | there is no relationship to kind of stick that flag in. | 没有关系 那种挂旗。 |
| 1187 | Yeah, because it's, I feel like the little things you do when they're five and six, | 是的,因为那是,我觉得你做的小事情 当他们五和六, |
| 1188 | it's just all compound interest to what you have when they're 25. | 你25岁时的利息都太高了 |
| 1189 | That's the only thing you have when they're 25 is your relationship. | 当他们25岁时,你唯一拥有的就是你们的关系 |
| 1190 | And I just have to say, | 我不得不说, |
| 1191 | because I think we've mistaken the two connecting with your kid is a completely different thing | 因为我觉得我们弄错了 和你孩子的感情是完全不同的 |
| 1192 | than saying yes to everything your kid asks. | 而不是答应你孩子的要求 |
| 1193 | Keeping your kid happy all the time actually | 让你的孩子一直快乐 |
| 1194 | tends to lower your connection with your kid. | 往往会降低你和你孩子的联系。 |
| 1195 | There's only one way you can connect with your | 只有一条路可以连接到你 |
| 1196 | kid when they're in optimal comfort and happiness. | 孩子,当他们处于 最好的舒适和幸福。 |
| 1197 | That's actually a very, very limited form of | 这其实是一种非常,非常有限的形式 |
| 1198 | connection. | 连接。 |
| 1199 | And so I just want to make sure to establish those are very different things. | 所以,我只想确定这些是完全不同的。 |
| 1200 | They are. | 他们是。 |
| 1201 | I'm glad you pointed that out. | 我很高兴你指出了这一点。 |
| 1202 | I have a question. | 我有个问题 |
| 1203 | What is something that parents do | 父母会做什么 |
| 1204 | that is well-meaning, but more often causes more harm than good? | 这是善意的,但更多的 造成更多的伤害而不是好? |
| 1205 | What do you see | 你看见什么了? |
| 1206 | that tends to kind of rise to that level in your practice? | 那种在你的练习中会上升到那种程度? |
| 1207 | I mean, at the risk of sounding repetitive, although it's important because it's always | 我的意思是,冒着重复发声的风险, 虽然这很重要,因为它总是 |
| 1208 | the thing, is I think optimizing for kids comfort and happiness leads to relief of a hard situation | 事情,是,我认为优化 孩子们的舒适和幸福 导致缓解一个困难的情况 |
| 1209 | in the moment. | 在此刻。 |
| 1210 | Can you say that again? | 你能再说一遍吗? |
| 1211 | Optimizing for a kid's comfort and happiness | 为孩子的舒适和幸福而优化 |
| 1212 | in the moment leads to relief today, but tends to lead to a lot of entitlement and fragility | 但往往会导致许多权利 和脆弱 |
| 1213 | and anxiety later on. | 和焦虑 以后。 |
| 1214 | And so I'll give an example, you know, and we're recording right now, | 所以我会举个例子,你知道, 我们正在录制, |
| 1215 | school year's about to start. | 学年即将开始。 |
| 1216 | Like you find out your kid isn't in class with their best friend, | 像你发现你的孩子 不是在课堂上与他们最好的朋友, |
| 1217 | and they're upset. | 他们很不高兴 |
| 1218 | All my friends are in this class, like calling the school. | 我所有的朋友都在这班里 就像打给学校一样 |
| 1219 | Or before that | 或在那之前 或在这之前 |
| 1220 | happens, calling the school to make sure your kid is in class with their best friend. | 恰巧,打电话给学校 确保你的孩子在课堂上与他们最好的朋友。 |
| 1221 | It feels like | 感觉就像 |
| 1222 | a really loving thing to do. | 一件非常可爱的事 |
| 1223 | So it comes purely from love. | 所以它纯粹来自爱。 |
| 1224 | But I tend to think in a long-term | 但我想,从长远来看 |
| 1225 | greedy way about parenting that my kid's going to be out of my house more than they're living in my | 关于养育孩子的贪婪方式 我的孩子会离开我的房子 比他们住在我的房子还要多 |
| 1226 | house. | 房子,这是... |
| 1227 | The stakes only get higher, and what we do in the early years has an inordinately large | 赌注只会越高,我们早年做的事情 规模太大 |
| 1228 | impact on the rest of our kid's life. | 影响我们孩子的余生 |
| 1229 | And so do I want to forever be the person who rescues my kid | 我也想永远成为救我的孩子的人 |
| 1230 | from the discomfort of having to be in a class with new kids? | 和新来的孩子一起上课的不适? |
| 1231 | Which sure, that won't happen | 当然,那不会发生 |
| 1232 | forever, but my kid is going to have a job one day when they don't know anyone. | 永远,但我的孩子 有一天,当他们不知道任何人。 |
| 1233 | My kid is going | 我的孩子会去的 |
| 1234 | to have to be in new situations. | 必须在新的情况下。 |
| 1235 | I'm actually depriving my kid of the chance to feel capable, | 我实际上剥夺了我的孩子 感到有能力的机会, |
| 1236 | and worse, I'm sending my kid a message that I don't think they're capable. | 更糟糕的是,我给我的孩子发了个信息 我认为他们不能。 |
| 1237 | I have to micromanage | 我得做个微观管理 |
| 1238 | their life and make their world tiny. | 他们的生活 让他们的世界变得渺小 |
| 1239 | And then they feel very tiny, even though they might not | 然后他们觉得非常渺小,尽管他们可能不会 |
| 1240 | have a tantrum. | 发脾气吧 |
| 1241 | And so I guess I feel like maybe kids are screaming out to us, help me develop into | 所以我想,我觉得也许孩子 尖叫出来给我们, 帮助我成长为 |
| 1242 | the type of adult who's going to be able to succeed in the world. | 能够在世界中取得成功的成人类型。 |
| 1243 | And I think about teens, | 我想十几岁 |
| 1244 | especially, and young adults I used to see, and I think this really matters, | 特别是我以前见过的年轻成年人 我觉得这很重要 |
| 1245 | who legitimately felt angry at their parents. | 他们对父母很生气 |
| 1246 | For making their lives too comfortable? | 他们的生活太舒适了? |
| 1247 | Like, oh, | 喜欢,哦, |
| 1248 | me yelling at you as a 12-year-old was enough for you to change your decision? | 我对你大喊大叫 就足以让你改变决定? |
| 1249 | Grow up! | 长大了! |
| 1250 | Now I have to suffer the consequences. | 现在我必须忍受后果 |
| 1251 | And I think when we think about our kid in the | 我想当我们想到我们的孩子在 |
| 1252 | future, it helps us make decisions that help our kid through a tough situation today | 未来,它帮助我们作出决定 帮助我们的孩子度过今天的艰难局面 |
| 1253 | in a way that's actually going to prepare them for the world they're going to encounter tomorrow. | 让他们为明天遇到的世界做好准备 |
| 1254 | How do you raise a confident kid who is not also entitled, self-important, full of themselves? | 你如何培养一个自信的孩子 谁没有权利,自我重要,充满自我? |
| 1255 | So I want to break apart two words, confidence and entitled, two of my favorite things, | 所以我想拆开两个词 信心和权利 我最喜欢的两个东西 |
| 1256 | because, okay, so going back to definitions, right? | 因为,好吧,所以回到定义,对不对? |
| 1257 | I think we've been given a definition | 我想我们得到了一个定义 |
| 1258 | of confidence that makes us optimize for the wrong thing. | 信心让我们为错误的事情优化 |
| 1259 | I used to think confidence was | 我曾经觉得自信是 |
| 1260 | feeling good about yourself. | 感觉很好 对自己。 |
| 1261 | I don't feel good about myself. | 我对自己不好 |
| 1262 | I don't think that's confidence at | 我不认为那是自信 |
| 1263 | all. | 都一样 |
| 1264 | I think confidence is self-trust, which are actually very different things when you think | 我认为自信是自我信任, 这其实是非常不同的事物 当你认为 |
| 1265 | about intervening. | 关于介入。 |
| 1266 | Because when I think about the most confident person I know, and this is what | 因为当我想到最自信的人 我认识,这就是 |
| 1267 | got me thinking about confidence differently, it was this girl in my class in a seminar at Duke | 在杜克的研讨会上,我对自信的思考不同了, 就是这个女孩 |
| 1268 | who was super smart, just like really, really brilliant. | 他非常聪明,就像真的,真的很聪明 |
| 1269 | And there was a part in the seminar | 研讨会上有一部分 |
| 1270 | where I still remember this. | 我仍然记得这一点。 |
| 1271 | I was so confused about what my professor was saying. | 我对教授说的话很困惑 |
| 1272 | I was like, | 我当时想, |
| 1273 | I don't really know what you're saying. | 我不知道你在说什么 |
| 1274 | And I just remember thinking, I don't know, I looked around, | 我只记得我想, 我不知道,我四处看看, |
| 1275 | everyone else seemed to be nodding. | 其他人似乎都在点头 |
| 1276 | I was like, I guess I'll figure it out later. | 我当时想,我想我以后会想出办法的 |
| 1277 | This girl shot | 这个女孩开枪了 |
| 1278 | her hand up and she was, I'm really sorry. | 她的手举起来,她是, 我真的很抱歉。 |
| 1279 | And I'm sorry if everyone else gets this. | 我很抱歉,如果其他人得到这个。 |
| 1280 | I usually | 我通常会 |
| 1281 | understand everything you say. | 理解你所说的一切 |
| 1282 | I'm totally confused the last couple of minutes. | 我对最后几分钟很困惑 |
| 1283 | Is there any way you | 有没有办法你 |
| 1284 | say it in a different way? | 用另一种方式说? |
| 1285 | It feels important to understand. | 理解这一点很重要 |
| 1286 | That's confidence. | 这是自信。 |
| 1287 | She trusted her | 獺 |
| 1288 | confusion enough to say something. | 够混乱的 说些什么。 |
| 1289 | And more than that, she was able to hold onto something | 不仅如此,她还坚持了 |
| 1290 | complicated in that moment. | 在那一刻很复杂 |
| 1291 | I'm a good, smart person who is confused right now. | 我是一个很好,聪明的人 谁困惑现在。 |
| 1292 | If she was | 如果是的话 |
| 1293 | {\fn黑体\fs22\bord1\shad0\3aHBE\4aH00\fscx67\fscy66\2cHFFFFFF\3cH808080}说实话 {\fn黑体\fs22\bord1\shad0\3aHBE\4aH00\fscx67\fscy66\2cHFFFFFF\3cH808080}我18岁的时候 {\fn黑体\fs22\bord1\shad0\3aHBE\4aH00\fscx67\fscy66\2cHFFFFFF\3cH808080}如果我想 | |
| 1294 | confident by feeling good, I talked myself out of my experience. | 自信地感觉好, 我说服自己离开我的经验。 |
| 1295 | It's probably fine. | 可能没事的 |
| 1296 | So I think | 所以我觉得 |
| 1297 | building confidence in kids comes from very different things. | 建立对孩子的信心 来自于非常不同的事物。 |
| 1298 | When our kid says, | 当我们的孩子说, |
| 1299 | I'm the only one in my class who can't read, confidence doesn't come from saying to that | 班里只有我一个不识字,没有自信 |
| 1300 | kid, that can't be true, but you're the fastest runner. | 孩子 这不可能 但你是跑得最快的 |
| 1301 | That's what we say when we're trying to | 这就是我们想说的 |
| 1302 | make a kid feel good about themselves. | 让孩子对自己感觉很好 |
| 1303 | A kid comes home and says to their dad, I'm the only | 有个孩子回家跟爸爸说 只有我一个 |
| 1304 | one in my class who can't read. | 我班上一个不识字的人 |
| 1305 | And essentially someone says back, that's not true. | 基本上有人说回话,那不是真的。 |
| 1306 | That's what | 就这样 |
| 1307 | you don't feel that way. | 你没有那种感觉 |
| 1308 | Confidence is actually built when you say to a kid in that situation, | 当你对那个孩子说时 信心就已经建立 |
| 1309 | first of all, thank you for telling me this. | 首先,谢谢你告诉我这些 |
| 1310 | Tell me what happened today. | 告诉我今天发生了什么 |
| 1311 | Sounds like a hard day. | 听起来很难熬 |
| 1312 | I can tolerate this experience in my kid. | 我可以容忍我孩子的这种经历 |
| 1313 | Now my kid's going to be able to be confident because | 现在我的孩子会有信心 因为... |
| 1314 | they're going to be able to tolerate a wider range of things that happened to them instead of a | 他们能够容忍 发生在他们身上的 更广泛的事情 而不是... |
| 1315 | not entitled or full of themselves. | 没有资格或完全没有资格。 |
| 1316 | And what I mean is, I want to boost my kids with all the, | 我的意思是, 我想用所有, |
| 1317 | I believe in you so much. | 我这么相信你 |
| 1318 | And what I don't want is ever, the fear is on the other end of the | 我永远不希望,恐惧在另一端 |
| 1319 | spectrum is the ego, the Draco Malfoys of the world. | 光谱是自我, 德拉科马尔福斯 世界。 |
| 1320 | That's not what I want. | 这不是我想要的。 |
| 1321 | Well, give me a scenario made up of an entitled kid that you're like, | 好吧,给我一个情景 由一个有资格的孩子 你喜欢, |
| 1322 | I have the heebie-jeebies thinking about that. | 我让小鸡鸡在想这个 |
| 1323 | There was a kid who, I know, and they have every, | 有一个孩子,我知道, 他们有每一个, |
| 1324 | first off, they're wearing every trend that could be happening. | 首先,他们穿 每一个趋势 可能发生。 |
| 1325 | Okay. | 摆 |
| 1326 | From head to toe, | 从头到脚 |
| 1327 | everything every, any kid wants that my son wants. | 所有的一切,任何孩子 想要我儿子想要的。 |
| 1328 | This kid has phone already at the age of like eight | 这孩子八岁就有电话了 |
| 1329 | and is listing off all the places that he's gone to with his parents. | 并列出所有他去的地方 他的父母。 |
| 1330 | Okay. | 摆 |
| 1331 | And doesn't really care | 也不关心 |
| 1332 | to share it all with any of the kids that to me comes across as somebody who's probably entitled. | 与任何孩子分享这一切, 对我来说,作为一个可能有资格的人。 |
| 1333 | Yeah, agree. | 对,同意 |
| 1334 | So what I hear in all those things has every single brand already has a phone, | 我听到的 每一个品牌都有手机 |
| 1335 | doesn't share. | 没有分享。 |
| 1336 | I think entitlement is fear of frustration. | 我认为权利是害怕挫折。 |
| 1337 | That's what it actually comes from | 这就是它的真正来源 |
| 1338 | in our body. | 我们的身体。 |
| 1339 | And what I mean by that is if every time a kid is frustrated, you know, | 我的意思是,如果一个孩子每一次 沮丧,你知道, |
| 1340 | when you get frustrated, when you want a shirt and your parents says no, when you want to play | 当你感到沮丧, 当你想要一件衬衫, 你的父母说不, 当你想玩 |
| 1341 | with blocks and you have to wait, when you ask for a phone and you're told, yeah, no way, you're | 有路障,你必须等待, 当你要求一个电话 并告诉你,是的,没有办法,你是 |
| 1342 | eight. | 八个 |
| 1343 | Okay. | 摆 |
| 1344 | Whatever the version is. | 随其版本. |
| 1345 | Whenever you want something and you don't have it, | 每当你想要的东西,你没有它, |
| 1346 | you're frustrated. | 你很沮丧。 |
| 1347 | Okay. | 摆 |
| 1348 | So think about this kid. | 想想这个孩子 |
| 1349 | I don't know, but every time his body got | 我不知道,但每次他的身体得到 |
| 1350 | frustrated, it sounds like it was met with an off switch. | 沮丧,听起来好像遇到一个关机 |
| 1351 | And it looks like it's about money. | 而观其为财. |
| 1352 | And money is complicated with entitlement because primarily the way a lot of people use money is to | 钱和权利很复杂 因为主要是很多人用钱的方式 |
| 1353 | turn off frustration. | 关闭挫折感。 |
| 1354 | Right. | 对 |
| 1355 | And so I want the shirt ordered. | 所以我要点上衣 |
| 1356 | I want a phone at Verizon, | 我想在维里松打个电话 |
| 1357 | right? | 对吧? |
| 1358 | I don't want to share these blocks. | 我不想分享这些街区。 |
| 1359 | I'm making this up. | 我编的。 |
| 1360 | Okay. | 摆 |
| 1361 | I'll get your sister one | 我帮你妹妹拿一个 |
| 1362 | set and I'll get you another set and you'll never have to actually share. | 准备好,我再给你买一套,你不用分了 |
| 1363 | It's not about sharing or | 这不是分享或 |
| 1364 | items. | 目 录(续) |
| 1365 | It's actually about your body never learning to tolerate the frustration of not having something, | 实际上,这是关于你的身体 从来没有学会容忍挫折 没有东西, |
| 1366 | but it's worse, which is why it's fear. | 但更糟糕的是,这就是为什么它是恐惧。 |
| 1367 | When every time you're frustrated, you have a parent who | 每当你沮丧的时候 你有一个父母 |
| 1368 | turns it off by giving you something, you actually wire your fear next to your, your parents are | 把它关掉,给你一些东西, 你实际上线 你的恐惧在你旁边,你的父母是 |
| 1369 | scared of you being that way. | 怕你这样 |
| 1370 | That's why that's the only reason they'd avoid it. | 所以他们才不这么做 |
| 1371 | And so they give | 所以他们给了 |
| 1372 | you everything. | 你的一切,你的东西。 |
| 1373 | And so entitlement, even in adulthood, right? | 因此,权利,即使在成年,对不对? |
| 1374 | All that is actually under the | 所有实际上在下面 |
| 1375 | hood is someone who's frustrated and probably still has the coping skills of a two-year-old | 盖尔是个很沮丧的人 可能还有两岁小孩的应对能力 |
| 1376 | or worse. | 或更惨. |
| 1377 | They've lived a life Jefferson where someone has shut off the frustration. | 他们过着Jefferson的生活 有人把挫折消除了 |
| 1378 | So now | 所以现在 |
| 1379 | I'm sorry. | 对不起 |
| 1380 | I'm not bumped up to first-class, even though I am a medallion, whatever. | 虽然我是奖章 随便什么 |
| 1381 | What | 什麽? |
| 1382 | they're really saying is where is the person who will turn off my frustration because I have learned | 他们真的说,在哪里 人谁将关闭我的挫折 因为我已经学到 |
| 1383 | that that's what the world will do. | 这就是世界会做的。 |
| 1384 | That's, and so the best way to not have an entitled kid, | 这是,所以最好的方法 没有一个有资格的孩子, |
| 1385 | and I could be concrete about this, is to make sure you don't take frustration away from your kid | 我可以说得具体一点 就是确保你不会从你孩子身上 夺走挫折感 |
| 1386 | or to make sure there are literal doses in your, like, Hey, can you drop me off before we go to | 或者确保有 字面上的剂量 在你的,喜欢,嘿, 你能把我之前去 |
| 1387 | intentional doses? | 故意剂量? |
| 1388 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 1389 | My sister's soccer game. | 我妹妹的足球比赛。 |
| 1390 | No, sweetie, we're going as a family. | 不,亲爱的,我们是一家人 |
| 1391 | And by the | 和通过 |
| 1392 | way, your kid might say, but my sister doesn't even play. | 你的孩子可能这么说 但我妹妹甚至不玩 |
| 1393 | She's on the bench the whole time. | 她一直坐在长椅上 |
| 1394 | You're like, yeah, that's, and we're not bringing you right, but we're going to do that every | 你就像,是的,这是, 我们没有带你的权利, 但我们会做的每一个 |
| 1395 | Saturday. | 礼拜六 |
| 1396 | And it's not going to be fun. | 亦不生乐. |
| 1397 | I'm going to expect you to whine. | 我希望你会抱怨。 |
| 1398 | That is not a kid who | 这不是一个孩子谁 |
| 1399 | feels entitled to personal pleasure and enjoyment every hour of their weekend because they have | 感觉他们有权享受 个人的快乐和享受 每一个小时的周末,因为他们有 |
| 1400 | built in time where they are actually frustrated and not getting exactly what they want. | 建造在他们实际上很沮丧 却得不到他们想要的 |
| 1401 | That's | 这是 |
| 1402 | important. | 这很重要 |
| 1403 | How do you know if you're spoiling your kid? | 你怎么知道你是不是在宠你的孩子? |
| 1404 | I can tell you, I, I'm, I think I'm | 我可以告诉你,我,我想我 |
| 1405 | overly cautious of it. | 过于谨慎 |
| 1406 | If I have to lean one way, I'd lean on in terms of, I'm really aware of, | 如果我不得不靠在一种方式, 我会靠在各方面,我真的意识到, |
| 1407 | okay, if my kid is having a different experience than what another kid is having, I feel like I | 好吧,如果我的孩子有一个不同的经历 与另一个孩子是什么,我觉得我 |
| 1408 | need to have a conversation with them about how this is different and this is not what everybody | 需要和他们谈谈 这有什么不同 并不是每个人都这样 |
| 1409 | gets. | 获得。 |
| 1410 | Or there, I'm, I'm a fr... | 或者,我是一个... |
| 1411 | I don't want to have a spoiled kid. | 我不想有一个被宠坏的孩子。 |
| 1412 | And so I know there are other | 所以我知道还有其他的 |
| 1413 | people listening and that's one of their biggest fears is having a kid who's. | 人们在听 这是他们最大的恐惧之一 是一个孩子谁。 |
| 1414 | Having a kid who's, who's, who's... I don't want to have a spoil kid. And so I know there are other | 有个孩子... 我不想有一个被宠坏的孩子。 所以我知道还有其他的 |
| 1415 | people listening and that's like, one of their biggest fears is having a kid who's, who's... | 他们最大的恐惧之一是 有个孩子... |
| 1416 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 1417 | I think how do I know if I have a spoiled kid is very similar to how do I know if I'm | 我怎么知道我有一个被宠坏的孩子 和我知道我是不是 |
| 1418 | creating an entitled kid. | 创造出一个有资格的孩子。 |
| 1419 | And I think you know when you watch what happens when your | 我想你应该知道 当你看着你 |
| 1420 | kid has to do something that's not for their enjoyment, when they have to wait, or when | 孩子必须做一些 不适合他们享受的事, 当他们必须等待,或何时 |
| 1421 | they have to do something that inherently isn't enjoyable. | 他们必须做一些内在的不愉快的事 |
| 1422 | And if you watch your kid | 如果你看着你的孩子 |
| 1423 | over and over have huge meltdowns around that, I would say to a parent doesn't mean you're | 一遍又一遍地发生着巨大的崩溃,我会说,对父母来说,并不意味着你是 |
| 1424 | having a spoiled kid. | 有个被宠坏的孩子 |
| 1425 | It means you have to really shift things and make sure your kid | 意思是,你必须真正改变事情 确保你的孩子 |
| 1426 | has more opportunities to fold the laundry and unload the dishwasher and go to their | 更有机会把洗衣机叠起来卸下洗碗机 |
| 1427 | kid's soccer game, go to their sister's soccer game. | 孩子的足球赛, 去他们的妹妹的足球赛。 |
| 1428 | Can I share with you what's been one of the biggest conversation boosters around that | 我能跟你分享一下 最大的对话推动者之一 |
| 1429 | whole, at least that's helped my fear of am I raising a spoiled kid, is getting them involved | 整个,至少这帮助我害怕 我养一个被宠坏的孩子, 让他们参与其中。 |
| 1430 | in any type of community service activity. | 在任何类型的社区服务活动中。 |
| 1431 | And you have to make it a family thing. | 你必须把它变成一个家庭的东西。 |
| 1432 | And | 还有 |
| 1433 | so whether it's mission trip, whether it's helping with an initiative for people who | 所以,是否这是任务之旅, 它是否帮助一个倡议 对于谁 |
| 1434 | are underprivileged or whatever it is, I have found that that has at least a, at least opens | 我发现它至少可以打开 |
| 1435 | the door for trying to reverse that. | 门试图扭转。 |
| 1436 | Because I think there are a lot of people who go, | 因为我认为有很多人去, |
| 1437 | oh my gosh, I give my kid an iPad at the drop of the hat and the TV's on all the time. | 哦,我的天哪,我给我的孩子一个iPad 在帽子的落下,电视一直。 |
| 1438 | And | 还有 |
| 1439 | I, we don't, they're, they, they have everything that they could possibly want and I've made | 我,我们没有,他们,他们,他们有 他们可能想要的一切,我已经做了 |
| 1440 | nothing difficult and they really are spoiled. | 没什么难的 他们真的被宠坏了 |
| 1441 | How do we reverse that kind of thing? | 我们如何扭转这种局面? |
| 1442 | And so I guess I'll amend my answer because I think that's really good. | 所以我想我会修改我的答案 因为我觉得这很好 |
| 1443 | I think one way | 我想一个办法 |
| 1444 | to not raise a spoiled kid is just to pay attention to how your kid reacts when things | 不养一个被宠坏的孩子 只是为了注意你孩子的反应 |
| 1445 | don't go their way. | 别走他们的路 |
| 1446 | And if they really can't tolerate it, it's a sign they need more | 如果他们真的不能容忍, 这是一个迹象,他们需要更多 |
| 1447 | opportunities for things not to go their way. | 机会 事情不要走他们的方式。 |
| 1448 | Now, another thing I think that matters is | 现在,还有一件事情 我认为重要的是 |
| 1449 | impact on the world around them. | 对周围世界的影响。 |
| 1450 | spoiled字无所损. | |
| 1451 | It's not just about | 这不仅仅是关于 |
| 1452 | having things. | 有东西。 |
| 1453 | It's kind of a sense that I am the protagonist of the universe. | 这是一种感觉,我是宇宙的主角。 |
| 1454 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 1455 | Not just of my life. | 不仅仅是我的生活。 |
| 1456 | I'm the main character. | 我是主角,我就是主角,我是主角,我是主角,我是主角 |
| 1457 | Yeah, of everyone's life. | 是啊,每个人的生活。 |
| 1458 | And so | 这样 |
| 1459 | when you do community service, even when you do involve your kid in doing grocery shopping for | 当你做社区服务, 即使你参与你的孩子 在杂货店购物 |
| 1460 | the family while you stay in the car or in New York City while you stay in your apartment, | 当你留在车里或纽约市时,你的家人, |
| 1461 | they have an opportunity to exist in the world and feel impactful because I think the most | 他们有机会在世界上生存 并感到影响 因为我认为最 |
| 1462 | generous interpretation of a kid who's entitled and spoiled is they're kind of just always gazing | 对一个有权利被宠坏的孩子的慷慨解释 就是他们总是在看 |
| 1463 | in only like their own needs and their own wants. | 只能像他们自己的需要和愿望一样 |
| 1464 | And so beyond learning to tolerate not having, | 因此,除了学会容忍不拥有, |
| 1465 | they, you're right, they have to get out in the world and kind of be involved in other people's | 他们,你说得对, 他们必须走出世界 和那种参与别人的 |
| 1466 | worlds. | 诸世界. |
| 1467 | I keep thinking of the hundred percent thing that I, I'm telling you right after this, | 我一直在想 百分百的事情 我,我告诉你 之后, |
| 1468 | I'm going to be like, I'm going to tell Sierra, I'll be trying something. | 我会像,我要告诉Sierra, 我会尝试的东西。 |
| 1469 | It's just as true in marriage. | 婚姻也一样 |
| 1470 | It's true in any system. | 在任何系统中都是真实的. |
| 1471 | Any system. | 任何系统 |
| 1472 | No. | 没有 |
| 1473 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 1474 | I think it spans any system. | 我认为它跨越任何系统。 |
| 1475 | I absolutely agree to that. | 我完全同意这一点。 |
| 1476 | This is a point that is | 这一点 |
| 1477 | akin to what we just spoke about. | 跟我们刚才说的差不多 |
| 1478 | How do you raise a human who can handle being told no? | 你如何培养一个能接受拒绝的人? |
| 1479 | I mean, I think it starts with being a parent who says no to your kid. | 我的意思是,我想它开始是一个父母 谁说不给你的孩子。 |
| 1480 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 1481 | A couple of years ago, | 几年前,我们... |
| 1482 | someone came up to me and goes, Dr. Becky, I hear we're not supposed to say no to our kids. | 有人来找我 贝琪医生 我听说我们不能拒绝我们的孩子 |
| 1483 | Everything should be a creative yes. | 一切应该都是有创意的 |
| 1484 | I'm like, where are you getting this information? | 你从哪儿得到这个消息的? |
| 1485 | Can we | 我们能 |
| 1486 | go to the park? | 去公园? |
| 1487 | Yes, we can go on Saturday. | 是的,我们可以去星期六。 |
| 1488 | I'm like, if I had to change everything. | 我很喜欢,如果我不得不改变一切。 |
| 1489 | Also, | 还有, |
| 1490 | if we just think the world today is a little bit of a microcosm with my kid for what they're | 如果我们只是认为今天的世界 是有点微缩 与我的孩子是什么 |
| 1491 | going to carry here, they're not going to get a million creative yeses. | 他们不会得到一百万的创意肯定。 |
| 1492 | Now, if a parent listening | 现在,如果一个家长听 |
| 1493 | to this is saying, great, that feels validating. | 这句是说, 伟大的, 那感觉验证。 |
| 1494 | I say no to my kid with 95% of my communication. | 我对我的孩子说不 95%的通信。 |
| 1495 | That's not going to be a great relationship. | 那不会是一个伟大的关系。 |
| 1496 | But most parents say have over-corrected | 但大多数家长说 已经过度修正 |
| 1497 | and we find a creative yes or we think we say no, but we actually ask our kids permission. | 我们发现一个创造性的"是"或"我们认为我们拒绝", 但我们实际上要求我们的孩子允许。 |
| 1498 | We do | 没错 |
| 1499 | weird okay at the end. | 怪怪的,最后还不错。 |
| 1500 | Can I watch another show? | 我可以看另一个节目吗? |
| 1501 | Look, it's not good for you, okay? | 听着,这对你不好,好吗? |
| 1502 | Can I watch another show? | 我可以看另一个节目吗? |
| 1503 | No, sweetie, TV is over. | 不,亲爱的,电视结束了。 |
| 1504 | Then stop talking. | 那就别说话了 |
| 1505 | I think about this concept of emotional vaccination a little bit. | 我想到了这种情感免疫的概念。 |
| 1506 | If you think about | 如果你考虑 |
| 1507 | the purpose of a vaccine, it's to give your body a chance to respond to something before | 疫苗的目的 就是给你的身体 机会来应对一些事 |
| 1508 | the big thing is coming. | 大事即将发生 |
| 1509 | The big thing is your boss is going to say no. | 最重要的事情是你老板会拒绝 |
| 1510 | Your girlfriend's | 你女朋友的电话 |
| 1511 | going to say no. | 将说不。 |
| 1512 | Those are high-stakes situations sometimes. | 这些情况有时很严重。 |
| 1513 | So every time you say no to your kid | 所以每次你对你的孩子说不 |
| 1514 | and hold the line lovingly and firmly, they're both possible, you're getting your kid ready. | 并保持线 爱和牢固, 他们都有可能, 你得到了你的孩子准备。 |
| 1515 | And I think, yeah, what I want parents to know is if for the first time at 20, | 我想,是的,我想父母知道 如果第一次在20, |
| 1516 | they're hearing the word no, it's kind of unfair to expect my kid to just react well to that | 他们听到"不"这个词, 那种不公平的期待 我的孩子只是反应良好 |
| 1517 | when it probably feels like an assault on their body because they've never heard that before. | 可能感觉像攻击 他们的身体,因为他们从来没有听说过。 |
| 1518 | If you want your kid to learn how to handle being told no, you need to start with | 如果你想让你的孩子学会 如何处理被告诉的不, 你需要从 |
| 1519 | maybe telling them no. | 也许告诉他们不。 |
| 1520 | And then stop talking. | 然后停止说话。 |
| 1521 | And then stop talking instead of trying because | 然后停止说话 而不是尝试,因为 |
| 1522 | what will happen is it teaches them that there's something after the no. | 接下来会发生什么 它教他们 在"不"之后有什么。 |
| 1523 | There's a | 有一个 |
| 1524 | chance that we can negotiate this and compromise this and possibly break you down. | 也许我们可以谈判这个 并妥协这个 并可能打破你。 |
| 1525 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 1526 | And I think we have this negative view like, yeah, then my kid pushes further, tries to | 我认为我们有这种负面的看法 比如,是的,然后我的孩子 进一步推,试图 |
| 1527 | manipulate me. | 操纵我 |
| 1528 | If I'm passing her on a plane and I somehow knock on the door of the cockpit and I | 如果我在飞机上经过她 我敲了驾驶舱的门 |
| 1529 | say, can we detour to Hawaii? | 我们能绕道去夏威夷吗? |
| 1530 | And the person's like, no, but let me explain why and let me talk. | 那个人就像,没有,但让我解释为什么 让我谈谈。 |
| 1531 | I'm sorry, you're supposed to be focusing on the flight. | 对不起,你应该专注于飞行。 |
| 1532 | No. | 没有 |
| 1533 | Done. | 结束了。 |
| 1534 | I'm going to push further | 我要继续前进 |
| 1535 | because it actually makes a kid feel very unsafe when they're being recruited as kind of the need | 因为它实际上让一个孩子感到非常不安全 当他们被招募 作为一种需要 |
| 1536 | to approve of their parents' decision. | 批准父母的决定。 |
| 1537 | You're now asking me to make you feel better for saying no. | 你现在要求我 让你感觉好些 说不。 |
| 1538 | They do act out more because they don't really feel like they have a sturdy leader. | 他们表现得更多 因为他们觉得自己没有坚强的领袖 |
| 1539 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 1540 | My son, I will tell him like, okay, hey, it's time to put down the, he loves to read. | 我的儿子,我会告诉他喜欢, 好吧,嘿,是时候放下 他喜欢读书。 |
| 1541 | So, okay, when you put down the Kindle, it's time to go brush your teeth. | 好吧,当你放下Kindle的时候,是时候去刷牙了。 |
| 1542 | He'll go, no, thank you. | 他会去的,不,谢谢你。 |
| 1543 | So polite. | 如此有礼. |
| 1544 | Very polite. | 非常有礼貌 |
| 1545 | He's learned if he can try and be polite. | 他学会了,如果他能尝试和礼貌。 |
| 1546 | He'll be like, no, no, thank you, | 他会像,不,不,谢谢你, |
| 1547 | dad. | 父亲 |
| 1548 | I appreciate that. | 我很感激。 |
| 1549 | But no, not yet. | 但还没有 |
| 1550 | And he is absolutely completely genuine about it. | 他绝对是真心的 |
| 1551 | And so I | 所以我才会 |
| 1552 | have to be like, that's very polite. | 必须要像, 这是非常礼貌的。 |
| 1553 | We still need to make that work. | 我们仍然需要做到这一点。 |
| 1554 | And my kids, for good or for | 还有我的孩子,无论是好还是好 |
| 1555 | bad, are very good at finding every, if the door is locked, they're going to check every window, | 如果门锁了 他们会检查每个窗户 |
| 1556 | you know, to every argument that there is. | 你知道,对于每一个有争论。 |
| 1557 | And so a lot of the times he starts to kind of create | 所以很多时候他开始创造 |
| 1558 | an argument and I'll be like, I see where you're going. | 一个争论,我会喜欢, 我知道你要去哪里。 |
| 1559 | I respect that. | 我尊重这一点。 |
| 1560 | I appreciate that. | 我很感激。 |
| 1561 | I'm | и琌 |
| 1562 | the answer is still no. | 答案仍然是否定的。 |
| 1563 | But when I do that, I'm giving you some points for some, you know, | 但当我这样做, 我给你一些分数 一些,你知道, |
| 1564 | standing your ground on this. | 站在你们的位置上 |
| 1565 | I admire that. | 我钦佩你 |
| 1566 | So when I compliment, not exactly the content, | 所以当我赞美, 并非完全的内容, |
| 1567 | but I'm complimenting or acknowledging the character trait, it seems to go a lot better | 但我称赞或承认 性格特征, 它似乎走了很多更好 |
| 1568 | when, you know, for my daughter, who, like we said, is very fiery, I'll say, I see that fire. | 当,你知道,为了我女儿, 她,就像我们说过的, 非常火烈,我会说,我看到了火。 |
| 1569 | I like that. | 我喜欢 |
| 1570 | It's very strong. | 非常坚固. |
| 1571 | I love your strong personality. | 我喜欢你坚强的个性 |
| 1572 | But there's something about that, | 但有一点, |
| 1573 | that it flows. | 它会流动。 |
| 1574 | It flows through and they don't mind going through it. | 它流过,他们不介意通过它。 |
| 1575 | Once I have been like, | 我曾经是这样 |
| 1576 | okay, that was a great point. | 好吧,这是一个伟大的观点。 |
| 1577 | I think what makes sense about that is I think at any age, | 我觉得这有道理的是,我想在任何年龄, |
| 1578 | we're all just looking to feel seen. | 我们都在寻找被看见的感觉 |
| 1579 | And we're not actually looking to feel seen in the very | 而我们实际上并不想在 |
| 1580 | specific content on the surface. | 表面的具体内容。 |
| 1581 | We're looking to feel seen in the part it comes from. | 我们期待看到它从哪里来的 |
| 1582 | Right? | 对吧? |
| 1583 | And so when we do, we all get a little more flexible on the surface. | 因此,当我们这样做的时候, 我们都得到了一些更灵活的表面。 |
| 1584 | Like when my kid says, | 就像当我的孩子说, |
| 1585 | I don't want to go to school today. | 我今天不想上学 |
| 1586 | You're going to school. | 你要上学了 |
| 1587 | Right? | 对吧? |
| 1588 | I have a stomach ache. | 我肚子疼,我有点疼 |
| 1589 | It just | 这只是 |
| 1590 | is going to escalate because I think the thing my kid needs to hear is, yeah, that makes sense. | 事情会升级 因为我认为我的孩子需要听到的是, 是的,这是有道理的。 |
| 1591 | We just finished summer. | 我们刚刚结束了夏天。 |
| 1592 | I wouldn't really want to go to school either. | 我也不想上学 |
| 1593 | I got to get your breakfast | 我去拿你的早餐来 |
| 1594 | ready, bagel or yogurt. | 准备,百吉饼或酸奶 |
| 1595 | And that part, once that's seen for all of us, often loosens up. | 这部分,一旦我们所有人都看到了, 往往会放松。 |
| 1596 | To be able to say, hey, I see the element. | 为了能说,嘿,我看到了元素。 |
| 1597 | That's what you did. | 这就是你所做的。 |
| 1598 | Yeah, the character trait in here | 对,这里的人物特征 |
| 1599 | that we can at least affirm rather than going, no, I said, because I said so, I said no. | 我们至少可以肯定,而不是去,不,我说,因为我说,我说不。 |
| 1600 | That's right. | 没错 |
| 1601 | I said you should have, you know. | 我说你应该的 |
| 1602 | Because that part of your kid probably is amazing. | 因为你孩子的这个部分可能很棒 |
| 1603 | You're a kid who asks so many questions. | 你是个问这么多问题的孩子 |
| 1604 | After every answer, you have one more question. | 每一个回答后,你还有一个问题。 |
| 1605 | You're a really curious kid that's going to take you far in life. | 你是个很好奇的孩子, 这会带你在生活中走远。 |
| 1606 | Your questions only take you so | 你的问题只会让你如此 |
| 1607 | far today with me. | 与我同在的今天远处 |
| 1608 | I am tapped out. | 我被抽了出来。 |
| 1609 | I love you. | 我爱你 |
| 1610 | You know, like, but that's true. | 你知道,喜欢, 但这是事实。 |
| 1611 | You don't want | 你不会想要的 |
| 1612 | your kid to think they shouldn't ask questions. | 你的孩子认为他们不应该问问题。 |
| 1613 | So name it. | 那就说吧 |
| 1614 | Set the boundary. | 设界. |
| 1615 | I love it. | 我喜欢它。 |
| 1616 | I want to | и稱 |
| 1617 | switch to school really quick. | 转校很快。 |
| 1618 | What can a parent do in the, let me rephrase that. | 父母能做什么,让我重述一下 |
| 1619 | What should a | 什么应该 |
| 1620 | parent be doing in the first five minutes that they pick up their kid? | 父母在5分钟前接孩子? |
| 1621 | Oh, such a good question. | 哦,这么好的问题。 |
| 1622 | Actually, the first five minutes with your kid in the morning, the first five minutes you see them | 其实,头五分钟与你的孩子 在早上,头五分钟你看到他们 |
| 1623 | after school and the last five minutes of their day are just the three most impactful times. | 课后和最后5分钟 他们的一天只是三个影响最大的时间。 |
| 1624 | Sometimes I think, can I just be a good parent 15 minutes? | 有时候我觉得 我能做个15分钟的好父母吗? |
| 1625 | Yeah, 10. | 是的,10个。 |
| 1626 | So it depends on your kid's | 所以这取决于你孩子的 |
| 1627 | age, but, but actually it's probably mostly true. | 年龄,但实际上 很可能是真实的。 |
| 1628 | The biggest thing when you pick up your kid is to | 你接孩子时最大的事情就是 |
| 1629 | be available without questions and without an agenda. | 可以不问而无议程。 |
| 1630 | Okay. | 摆 |
| 1631 | If you can, that means when you | 如果你可以,这意味着当你 |
| 1632 | pick them up, quiet. | 捡起来,安静。 |
| 1633 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 1634 | All right. | 好吧,我们走。 |
| 1635 | I love it. | 我喜欢它。 |
| 1636 | It's so hard because we have so, we want to know. | 这太难了,因为我们有,我们想知道。 |
| 1637 | We want to know about their day, but I mean, I'm sure you too, you travel all the time, you're doing | 我们想知道他们的一天, 但我敢肯定,你也一样, 你一直旅行,你正在做 |
| 1638 | a million things and you come home. | 万事万事,你回来。 |
| 1639 | And if the first thing is Jefferson, how was your day? | 如果第一件事是杰斐逊 你今天过得怎么样? |
| 1640 | Who | 谁 |
| 1641 | was your guest on your podcast? | 你的客人在播客吗? |
| 1642 | What did you eat for lunch? | 你午饭吃什么? |
| 1643 | Tell me who you played with. | 告诉我你和谁玩过 |
| 1644 | Did you | 你没有 |
| 1645 | end up following up with this doctor? | 最终跟随这位医生? |
| 1646 | You're like, you know, and it's not because anyone's wrong. | 你就像,你知道, 这不是因为任何人错了。 |
| 1647 | It's just because you've just done a lot and you need to transition. | 只是因为你刚刚做了很多事情,你需要过渡。 |
| 1648 | Right. | 对 |
| 1649 | And so I think | 所以我觉得 |
| 1650 | sometimes the most loving thing we can do and we can show is just show up. | 有时候我们能做的最可爱的事 就是出现 |
| 1651 | Right. | 对 |
| 1652 | And just try not | 尽量不要 |
| 1653 | to have so much of an agenda. | 有这么多的议程。 |
| 1654 | No, you're going to get your questions answered probably in those last | 不,你会得到你的问题 答案可能是在那些最后 |
| 1655 | five minutes before bed, even though it's inconvenient when kids tell you everything. | 睡觉前5分钟,虽然孩子告诉你一切时很不方便 |
| 1656 | It is. | 没错 |
| 1657 | And I think the thing I want parents to know is presence is an action. | 我想我想让父母知道的是 行动。 |
| 1658 | Tell me more. | 告诉我更多。 |
| 1659 | So you want me to just do nothing? | 你想让我什么都不做? |
| 1660 | You want me to just do nothing? | 你要我什么都不做吗? |
| 1661 | I think just do nothing is a very | 我觉得什么都不做是件非常 |
| 1662 | funny phrase. | 有趣的词。 |
| 1663 | Do you know how hard it is in 2026 to do nothing? | 你知道2026年无所事事有多难吗? |
| 1664 | Do you know how hard I have to work | 你知道我有多辛苦工作吗? |
| 1665 | to stay quiet in front of my kids? | 在我的孩子面前保持安静? |
| 1666 | I am doing nothing on the outside and I am doing everything | 我在外面什么都不做,我什么都做 |
| 1667 | on the inside to regulate my anxiety, my own needs, my own emotions. | 内在调节我的焦虑, 我自己的需要, 我自己的情绪。 |
| 1668 | The irony is when we all do a lot | 讽刺的是,当我们都做了很多 |
| 1669 | on the outside, we ask all those questions or our kid is mad at us. | 外面,我们问了那么多问题 否则我们的孩子就生我们的气了 |
| 1670 | We're like, you can't talk to me | 我们就像,你不能跟我说话 |
| 1671 | that way. | 那边 |
| 1672 | It looks like I'm doing something on the outside. | 我好像在外头做点什么 |
| 1673 | And so, yeah, it's not just doing | 所以,是的,它不仅仅是做 |
| 1674 | nothing. | 没什么 |
| 1675 | And I think the thing is a very, because I talk a good game, but I love action. | 我认为这是个非常不错的游戏, 但我喜欢动作。 |
| 1676 | So that | 这样 |
| 1677 | phrase as a mantra when I'm quiet in the car, when I'm quiet, when my kid yells something at me that | 当我在车里安静的时候,当我安静的时候, 当我的孩子对我大喊大叫的时候, |
| 1678 | is inappropriate, but also it's just a sign they're not really in a productive conversation | 这不合适,但这只是一个征兆 他们不是真的在生产性的对话 |
| 1679 | place. | 地点。 |
| 1680 | Presence is an action and it helps me feel like it's enough. | 存在是一种行动,它让我觉得它足够了。 |
| 1681 | So when you pick up your kid, | 所以当你接你的孩子, |
| 1682 | yeah, we can boil this down. | 对,我们可以把事情搞砸 |
| 1683 | I say one, resist the urge to say all of your litany of questions. | 我说一个,不要急着说出你所有的问题 |
| 1684 | Hey, how was your day? | 嘿,今天过得怎么样? |
| 1685 | Which is probably going to get fine, good and nothing. | 这可能会变得很好,好和什么都没有。 |
| 1686 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 1687 | Best to leave | 最好离开 |
| 1688 | silence. | 安静 |
| 1689 | Two, be ready to catch if anything's coming. | 二,准备赶到,万一有事 |
| 1690 | Maybe nothing comes in that car ride, | 可能车里没东西 |
| 1691 | right? | 对吧? |
| 1692 | Maybe they're not wanting to talk. | 也许他们不想谈 |
| 1693 | I'll ask my son to be playing music and sometimes they'll | 我会请我儿子演奏音乐 有时他们会 |
| 1694 | go, no. | 去,没有。 |
| 1695 | And we just ride in silence. | 我们只是默默地骑马 |
| 1696 | Great. | 不错 |
| 1697 | And he's totally good because then he'll start to hum | 而且他很厉害 因为他会开始哼 |
| 1698 | like by himself. | 就像他自己一样 |
| 1699 | And I already know he's calming himself down. | 我已经知道他正在冷静下来 |
| 1700 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 1701 | And three, know that it's | 第三,你知道这是 |
| 1702 | probably going to come. | 可能会来 |
| 1703 | All the information you want to know is going to happen right when | 所有你想知道的信息 会发生当 |
| 1704 | you're laying them down to bed and they're not wanting to fall asleep. | 你让他们上床睡觉 他们不想睡着了 |
| 1705 | And you want to be on the | 你想成为 |
| 1706 | couch. | 沙发 |
| 1707 | And you're so exhausted. | 你这么累。 |
| 1708 | Now, my one trick, and I'll share it | 现在,我唯一的技巧,我会分享它 |
| 1709 | for finding out about your kid's day before the last five minutes, still give yourself the | 5分钟前发现你儿子的一天 仍给自己 |
| 1710 | transition don't. | 过渡不是。 |
| 1711 | Kids love to correct parents. | 孩子们喜欢纠正父母 |
| 1712 | They love to correct parents. | 他们喜欢纠正父母。 |
| 1713 | I was just watching | 我只是看着 |
| 1714 | this reel. | 这个卷轴。 |
| 1715 | They're like, I ask, oh, do you play soccer with Jay? | 他们就像,我问,哦, 你踢足球与杰伊? |
| 1716 | It's Jay. | 这是杰伊。 |
| 1717 | Right? | 对吧? |
| 1718 | It's like so | 就像这样 |
| 1719 | tense. | 紧张 |
| 1720 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 1721 | You can use this. | 你可以用这个 |
| 1722 | So when you say to your kid, what did you do at recess? | 所以当你告诉你的孩子, 你在休息时做了什么? |
| 1723 | Nothing. | 没什么 |
| 1724 | Right? | 对吧? |
| 1725 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 1726 | I randomly would say not in the first car ride. | 我随意地说,不是在第一次骑车。 |
| 1727 | Oh, today at recess, | 今天休会时 |
| 1728 | I was playing with Max and it was so annoying. | 我和麦克斯玩,很烦人 |
| 1729 | He always has to go first on the slide. | 他总得先走在幻灯片上。 |
| 1730 | That's not what happened. | 事情不是这样的 |
| 1731 | Well, what actually happened is Max wanted to be quarterback in this | 其实是马克思想当四分卫 |
| 1732 | and you just fucked it. | 而你却搞砸了 |
| 1733 | And so kind of pontificating in a way that lets your kid correct you. | 让你的孩子能纠正你 |
| 1734 | Not in the first 20 minutes is a great hack to kind of find out about a young kid's day. | 在头20分钟里,不是 一个伟大的黑客 来了解一个年轻人的一天。 |
| 1735 | I love it. | 我喜欢它。 |
| 1736 | That's fantastic. | 这太棒了。 |
| 1737 | What is one of the biggest misconceptions when it comes to | 当涉及到 |
| 1738 | parenthood? | 为人父母? |
| 1739 | That you have to get it right all the time. | 你总是要做好的 |
| 1740 | Because I just want to establish getting it | 因为我只是想确定得到它 |
| 1741 | right all the time would be bad for your kid. | 好吧,所有的时间 会对你的孩子不利。 |
| 1742 | Forget not being possible. | 忘记不可能 |
| 1743 | The model of a | 一个模型 |
| 1744 | relationship we have with our kid forms the foundation for how they think about love in the | 我们和孩子的关系 是他们思考爱情的基础 |
| 1745 | future. | 未来 |
| 1746 | So I don't want my kid to go into adulthood thinking who's going to get it right all the time? | 所以我不希望我的孩子进入成年阶段 想着谁会一直得到它的权利? |
| 1747 | Who's going to be perfectly attuned to my needs? | 谁能完全适应我的需要? |
| 1748 | And so repair is really the most important part | 所以修补才是最重要的 |
| 1749 | of good parenting. | 照顾好孩子 |
| 1750 | And you can't repair if you don't mess up. | 不乱则不能修. |
| 1751 | So if you think about that, | 所以,如果你考虑这一点, |
| 1752 | if you're going to try to get good at repair, step one is yelling, is snapping. | 第一步在大喊大叫,在抓狂 |
| 1753 | Which doesn't mean | 这并不意味着 |
| 1754 | I'm going to do more of that. | 我会做更多的。 |
| 1755 | It means when that happens because I'm human, I now have the | 意思是当我是人类时 我现在有了 |
| 1756 | opportunity to do the healthiest thing for my kid's future. | 有机会为我的孩子的未来做最健康的事 |
| 1757 | I can go and say, I'm sorry I yelled. | 我可以去说,我很抱歉我喊。 |
| 1758 | I'm sure that felt bad. | 我敢肯定,这感觉很糟糕。 |
| 1759 | I'm working on staying calmer even when I'm frustrated. | 我努力保持冷静 即使我感到沮丧。 |
| 1760 | And that is | 这就是 |
| 1761 | so powerful to a kid. | 对孩子来说是如此强大 |
| 1762 | When you say repair is one of the number one things that you have to be able | 当你说修理是头号的事情之一 你必须能够 |
| 1763 | to show in parenthood necessarily means you have to mess up and they need to see you mess up. | 显示为人父母 必然意味着你不得不搞砸了 他们需要看到你搞砸了。 |
| 1764 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 1765 | The phrase that I use to model repair with my kids is, I will say, daddy didn't say that very | 我和孩子们一起修车的句子是 爸爸没那么说 |
| 1766 | nice, did he? | 不错吧? |
| 1767 | I could have said that better. | 我本可以这么说的 |
| 1768 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 1769 | And what I have found, Dr. Becky, is not yet my daughter, but my son, he'll say, | 我发现的,贝琪博士, 还不是我女儿, 但我的儿子,他会说, |
| 1770 | I didn't say that very nice, dad. | 我没这么说,爸爸 |
| 1771 | I need to say that again. | 我得再说一遍 |
| 1772 | And so it's that like little, | 所以它就像一点点, |
| 1773 | but see, we would have never gotten to that place had I not raised my voice or not said it | 但是要不是我高举我的声音 或说不出的话 我们根本没法去那个地方 |
| 1774 | as kindly and been perfect. | 以善良和完美的方式, |
| 1775 | That's right. | 没错 |
| 1776 | They have to see the humanness. | 他们必须看到人性。 |
| 1777 | That's right. | 没错 |
| 1778 | And I think the other thing there is the words we use with our kids become the | 我想还有一件事 我们用在孩子身上的话 |
| 1779 | words they use with themselves and the words they use with others. | 他们用自己和别人的词 |
| 1780 | It's not a surprise he says the | 他这么说并不奇怪 |
| 1781 | exact words you do. | 准确的字你做。 |
| 1782 | And it's also not a surprise your daughter will probably take double the amount | 也不奇怪你女儿会花两倍的钱 |
| 1783 | of time to get there given her personality, but she will. | 时间到那里 给她的个性, 但她会的。 |
| 1784 | So don't doubt it. | 故别疑. |
| 1785 | It really will. | 它真的会的。 |
| 1786 | And you're right. | 你说得对 |
| 1787 | You couldn't have ever shared those words, which by the way, your son will use | 顺便说一句,你儿子会用 |
| 1788 | for so many years after he's out of your house. | 在他离开你家后这么多年 |
| 1789 | That could have never happened if you were perfect, | 如果你完美的话,那是不可能的 |
| 1790 | always calm, always saying the right thing, dad. | 总是冷静,总是说正确的话,爸爸。 |
| 1791 | So yeah, it's such a gift. | 所以,这是如此的礼物。 |
| 1792 | And honestly, that's such a relief moment that I can actually be a little kind to myself rather | 老实说,这是这样一个解脱的时刻, 我实际上可以 有点对我自己好一点 |
| 1793 | than beating myself up of whether I didn't do it as perfectly as I should have. | 而不是打自己 是否我这样做 完美,我应该有。 |
| 1794 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 1795 | I think that's the best it gets in parenting. | 我想这是它得到最好的 在养育。 |
| 1796 | Whenever I hear myself talk in a podcast, | 当我听到自己在播客里说话时 |
| 1797 | I leave thinking, I'm going to do one of those ideas I talked about today. | 我离开思考, 我要做一个那些想法 我今天谈到。 |
| 1798 | I'm going to do a | 我会做一个 |
| 1799 | little better today and then I'm going to repair a lot more. | 今天好点了,然后我要修理很多 |
| 1800 | I think that's what I try to hold | 我想这就是我试图持有 |
| 1801 | myself accountable for. | 我对此负责 |
| 1802 | What do you say to your kid when they say, I can't, I can't do it? | 你对你的孩子说什么 当他们说,我不能,我不能这样做? |
| 1803 | Okay. | 摆 |
| 1804 | I think there's what you say in the moment, but I think the power is what you say before those | 我认为你现在说的话, 但我认为权力 是你的说之前 |
| 1805 | moments. | 时刻 |
| 1806 | You can only be so effective in a hard moment in any situation. | 你只能在任何情况下的艰难时刻如此有效. |
| 1807 | So in a calm moment, | 所以在平静的时刻 |
| 1808 | find your kid and truly say this to them when it's calm. | 找到你的孩子,在平静的时候 告诉他们 |
| 1809 | By the way, do you know that whenever I'm | 对了,你知道,每当我 |
| 1810 | frustrated with something hard, I have this voice in my brain and it starts to trick me instead of | 很难受,我脑子里有这个声音 它开始骗我而不是 |
| 1811 | it saying, this is so hard, it says, I can't. | 它说,这是如此艰难, 它说,我不能。 |
| 1812 | That might happen to you. | 可能会发生在你身上 |
| 1813 | It might happen to you today | 今天可能会发生在你身上 |
| 1814 | when you do your homework. | 当你做你的功课。 |
| 1815 | Could you let me know if it comes? | 你能告诉我,如果它来了? |
| 1816 | I'm actually preloading a story for | 其实我正在准备一个故事 |
| 1817 | them and their relationship with, I can't, I really mean this, is forever different because | 和他们的关系,我不能,我的意思是, 永远不同,因为 |
| 1818 | instead of it coming by surprise and taking over, they're looking for it. | 而不是惊奇地来接任, 他们正在寻找它。 |
| 1819 | You know how insanely | 你知道多疯狂 |
| 1820 | different that is? | 不一样吗? |
| 1821 | Now my kid is doing math homework and they will be able to say, Dad, | 现在我的孩子在做数学作业 他们会说 爸爸 |
| 1822 | I heard that I can't voice. | 我听说我无法说话 |
| 1823 | That is mental health, your ability to recognize something before it's | 这是心理健康,你的能力 识别的东西之前 |
| 1824 | taken over. | 已经接管了 |
| 1825 | Then in the moment, I think you can reframe it, I can't. | 然后,在那一刻,我认为你可以 重塑它,我不能。 |
| 1826 | You're right. | 你说得对 |
| 1827 | This is a really | 这是真的 |
| 1828 | hard puzzle. | 难解谜题。 |
| 1829 | You're right. | 你说得对 |
| 1830 | It's really hard to start an essay. | 写一篇论文真的很难 |
| 1831 | And then I would get practical. | 然后我会变得实用。 |
| 1832 | My second grade teacher told me this. | 我的二年级老师告诉我的 |
| 1833 | I will never forget it. | 我永远不会忘记 |
| 1834 | I use it with my kids all the time. | 我用它与我的孩子所有的时间。 |
| 1835 | If something feels too hard to do, it just means the first step isn't small enough. | 如果有些事情很难去做,那就意味着第一步还不够小。 |
| 1836 | So what is the | 那么,这是什么 |
| 1837 | first step? | 第一步吗? |
| 1838 | Well, I have to write this essay. | 我得写一篇论文 |
| 1839 | Oh, I couldn't do that either. | 哦,我也不能做到这一点。 |
| 1840 | What's smaller? | 哪个更小? |
| 1841 | A paragraph. | 一个段落。 |
| 1842 | Huh? | 是吗? |
| 1843 | Sounds intimidating. | 听起来很吓人 |
| 1844 | What about a sentence? | 句子怎么样? |
| 1845 | What about a word? | 说句话怎么样? |
| 1846 | And usually when you make | 通常当你做出 |
| 1847 | something small, your kid can do it. | 小东西,你的孩子可以做到。 |
| 1848 | If you can put it into a story or a voice or a other, | 如果你能把它 在一个故事或声音或其他, |
| 1849 | then it's not I as a person cannot. | 那么我不是一个人不能 |
| 1850 | It's I'm hearing the voice that says that I can't. | 我听到声音说我不能。 |
| 1851 | Very different thing. | 非常不同的东西。 |
| 1852 | That's any emotion or thought. | 这是任何情感或想法。 |
| 1853 | As soon as you can kind of see that thought as a | 一旦你看到这种想法 |
| 1854 | passenger in your car, instead of the driver of your car. | 乘客在你的车上,而不是你的车司机。 |
| 1855 | I like that. | 我喜欢 |
| 1856 | It changes. | 它改变了。 |
| 1857 | Dr. Becky, | 贝琪医生 |
| 1858 | thank you so much for coming on the show. | 非常感谢你来演出。 |
| 1859 | Thank you. | 谢谢 |
| 1860 | I admire you a ton. | 我钦佩你一吨。 |
| 1861 | Thank you so much. | 非常感谢 |
| 1862 | So fun. | 这么有趣。 |
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