（中英附文稿）和伴侣越相处越累？看懂争吵、沉默与讨好的循环，
字幕摘录
| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| 0:00 | I'm not an empathic therapist. | 我不是心理治疗师 |
| 0:02 | You want empathy? | 你想同情我吗? |
| 0:04 | Oh, I'm sorry. | 对不起 |
| 0:04 | You cracked. | 你崩溃了。 |
| 0:06 | Patriarchy cracked. | 牧首权崩溃了 |
| 0:08 | It doesn't mean there was something wrong with you. | 这不代表你有问题 |
| 0:11 | It means there was something wrong with what you were both | 意思是你们有问题 |
| 0:13 | trying to live up to. | 试着活下来 |
| 0:16 | Terry Real is one of the most sought-after couples | Terry Real是最有追求的夫妇之一 |
| 0:19 | therapists in the world. | 世界上的治疗师。 |
展开字幕全文（2007 条）
| 序号 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | I'm not an empathic therapist. | 我不是心理治疗师 |
| 2 | You want empathy? | 你想同情我吗? |
| 3 | Oh, I'm sorry. | 对不起 |
| 4 | You cracked. | 你崩溃了。 |
| 5 | Patriarchy cracked. | 牧首权崩溃了 |
| 6 | It doesn't mean there was something wrong with you. | 这不代表你有问题 |
| 7 | It means there was something wrong with what you were both | 意思是你们有问题 |
| 8 | trying to live up to. | 试着活下来 |
| 9 | Terry Real is one of the most sought-after couples | Terry Real是最有追求的夫妇之一 |
| 10 | therapists in the world. | 世界上的治疗师。 |
| 11 | His private clients pay $7,000 for a single session. | 他的私人客户支付7000美元,用于一次开庭. |
| 12 | It's going to explain exactly why | 它会解释为什么 |
| 13 | none of your relationships in the past have worked. | 你们过去的关系都行不通 |
| 14 | Listen, we've never wanted more from relationships | 听着,我们从来没有想要更多的 从关系 |
| 15 | than we do right now. | 比我们现在做的。 |
| 16 | We want to be lifelong lovers, but we're | 我们想成为终身的情人,但我们 |
| 17 | trying to do that in the context of a culture that is not | 试图在文化中这样做 |
| 18 | a relationship-cherishing culture. | 一种爱抚感情的文化 |
| 19 | There is a relationship technology. | 有一个关系技术。 |
| 20 | There's a set of skills that work better. | 有一套技能可以更好地工作. |
| 21 | It works better to ask your partner for what you want | 问你的搭档想要什么更好 |
| 22 | than to criticize them for what they're doing wrong. | 而不是批评他们做错什么 |
| 23 | All relationships are an endless dance of harmony, | 所有的关系都是无休止的和谐之舞 |
| 24 | disharmony, and repair. | 和修理。 |
| 25 | Most couples are in harmony and disharmony. | 多数夫妇和谐不和. |
| 26 | Harmony and disharmony, but no repair. | 和谐与不和谐,但不能修复. |
| 27 | No repair, because that's where the skills come in. | 没有修补,因为技术就在这里 |
| 28 | Getting the love you want literally means being a pioneer. | 得到你想要的爱 意味着做一个先驱 |
| 29 | We are interconnected. | 我们是相互联系的。 |
| 30 | We are interdependent. | 我们是相互依存的。 |
| 31 | Healthy self-esteem comes from the inside out. | 健康的自尊来自内心。 |
| 32 | You have worth. | 你有价值。 |
| 33 | You have dignity, because you're here on this planet. | 你有尊严 因为你在这星球上 |
| 34 | You're a human being, no better or worse than anybody else. | 你是人,没有比别人好或坏。 |
| 35 | Remember that, and have that give you courage. | 记住,并有 给你勇气。 |
| 36 | Please help me welcome Terry Reel to the Mel Robbins podcast. | 请帮我欢迎特里・里尔 到梅尔・罗宾斯播客。 |
| 37 | Oh, my gosh. | 天呐 |
| 38 | I'm so thrilled to be here. | 我很高兴来到这里。 |
| 39 | And bless you and thank you for the good work | 祝福你,谢谢你的好工作 |
| 40 | you're doing for the world. | 你为世界做。 |
| 41 | Terry, right back at you. | 泰瑞,马上回来 |
| 42 | Bless you and thank you for the good work | 祝福你,谢谢你的好工作 |
| 43 | you're doing in the world and for the good work | 你做的世界和为好的工作 |
| 44 | you're about to help us do in our conversation today. | 你将帮助我们 今天的对话。 |
| 45 | And here's where I want to start. | 我从这里开始 |
| 46 | How could my life be different if I take everything | 如果我夺走一切,我的生活怎么会不一样? |
| 47 | that you are about to teach me today, after 40 years | 今天你就要教我40年后 |
| 48 | of wisdom and work and the things that you have learned | 智慧和工作 以及你学到的东西 |
| 49 | and the truths that you know? | 和你们所知道的真理, |
| 50 | How could my life be different if I take it all to heart | 如果我全心全意地对待我 我的生活怎么会不一样 |
| 51 | and I apply it to relationships and to my day-to-day life? | 我把它应用到 关系和我的日常生活? |
| 52 | I'm going to tell you and listeners, viewers, | 我要告诉你和听众,观众, |
| 53 | the same thing I say to every single couple. | 就像我对每对夫妇说的一样 |
| 54 | I am inviting you on a rarefied path. | 我邀请你走一条稀有的道路 |
| 55 | It's demanding, it's sophisticated, it's skilled, | 要求很高,很精密,很熟练 |
| 56 | and it leaves the norms of this culture in the dust. | 它把这种文化的规范 抛在尘埃中。 |
| 57 | Listen, we've never wanted more from relationships | 听着,我们从来没有想要更多的 从关系 |
| 58 | than we do right now. | 比我们现在做的。 |
| 59 | Gone. | 不见了。 |
| 60 | Our grandparents, even our parents, side by side, | 我们的祖父母,甚至我们的父母,并肩作战, |
| 61 | pay the bills, raise the kids, no passion, | 支付账单,抚养孩子, 没有激情, |
| 62 | no communication, fine. | 没有通讯,很好。 |
| 63 | Stable, good enough. | 稳定,足够好。 |
| 64 | That's gone. | 没了 |
| 65 | We want to walk hand in hand on the beach. | 我们想在海滩上携手共进 |
| 66 | We want gray sex in 70s and 80s. | 我们要70和80年代的灰色性行为 |
| 67 | We want to be lifelong lovers. | 我们想做一辈子的情人 |
| 68 | But we're trying to do that in the context of a culture | 但是,我们试图这样做 在文化背景下 |
| 69 | that is not a relationship-cherishing culture. | 这不是一种爱恋的文化。 |
| 70 | We live in a patriarchal, and I'll go into that, | 我们生活在父权制中, 我会说, |
| 71 | individualistic culture that does not cherish relationships. | 不珍惜关系的个人主义文化。 |
| 72 | I would like basic relationship skills | 我想要基本的关系技巧 |
| 73 | taught in elementary school, junior high, high. | 小学、初中、高中、高中都教过 |
| 74 | We need to know how to pull off this new ambition | 我们要知道如何实现这个新目标 |
| 75 | of being lifelong lovers. | 永远的情人。 |
| 76 | Getting the love you want literally means being a pioneer. | 得到你想要的爱 意味着做一个先驱 |
| 77 | If you're a hetero man, it means moving into vulnerability, | 如果你是一个异性恋者, 这意味着进入脆弱, |
| 78 | which means deconstructing masculinity itself. | 意思是解构男子气概本身 |
| 79 | Masculinity means being invulnerable. | 男子气概意为不可调伏. |
| 80 | You open your heart, you are redoing | 你打开你的心脏,你在重新做 |
| 81 | what it means to be a man. | 何谓为人. |
| 82 | As we were speaking, standing up for yourself, | 就在我们说话的时候 为自己站起来 |
| 83 | not with shrillness, but with love and power | 并不是有尖锐,而是有爱和力量 |
| 84 | is brand new work for women in this culture. | 在这种文化中,这是妇女的新工作。 |
| 85 | As a people, we all need in our lives to be pioneers. | 作为一个民族,我们的生活都需要先锋. |
| 86 | We don't live relationally in this culture. | 我们在这种文化中并不一样 |
| 87 | We are individualistic and we are patriarchal, | 我们是个人主义的,我们是父权制的, |
| 88 | meaning the basic model is dominance. | 意思是基本模式是支配地位。 |
| 89 | We control. | 我们控制。 |
| 90 | We need to trade the dominance model | 我们需要交换统治模式 |
| 91 | in for the reality of our biospheres. | 为了我们生物圈的现实 |
| 92 | We are interconnected. | 我们是相互联系的。 |
| 93 | We are interdependent. | 我们是相互依存的。 |
| 94 | If we stay on the dominance model, we will fry this planet. | 如果我们坚持主导模式,我们就会毁灭这个星球。 |
| 95 | What you're doing in your living room | 你在客厅干什么? |
| 96 | is exactly the same work we need to do across this globe | 我们在这个世界上需要做的完全一样 |
| 97 | in order to render it a place | 为了把它变成一个地方 |
| 98 | our grandchildren will want to live in. | 我们的孙子孙女会想活下来的 |
| 99 | It's a great ambition. | 其志甚广. |
| 100 | I like to say we have like filet mignon ambition | 我想说,我们有像 牛排米尼翁野心 |
| 101 | and hamburger skills we need to catch up to ourselves. | 和汉堡技术 我们需要赶上自己。 |
| 102 | I love that you said skills. | 我喜欢你说的技巧 |
| 103 | So there are skills that we can build | 因此,有一些技能 我们可以建立 |
| 104 | to have better relationships. | 拥有更好的关系。 |
| 105 | And you did though say they were demanding. | 你确实说他们很苛求 |
| 106 | They are demanding. | 他们要求很高。 |
| 107 | One of the great lies is that a long-term relationship | 最大的谎言之一是长期的关系 |
| 108 | is supposed to be spontaneous. | 应该是自发的 |
| 109 | There's lip service about having to work on it. | 有口语说必须努力。 |
| 110 | But let me ask you a question. | 但让我问你一个问题。 |
| 111 | How many times have you heard that relationships take work? | 你听过多少次那种关系需要工作? |
| 112 | My whole life. | 我的整个生活。 |
| 113 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 114 | Anybody ever tell you what it was? | 有人告诉你是什么吗? |
| 115 | Ha. | |
| 116 | You know? | 你知道吗? |
| 117 | Actually, no. | 事实上,没有。 |
| 118 | Of course not. | 当然不是。 |
| 119 | And that's where I come in. | 我从这里进来的 |
| 120 | There is a relationship technology. | 有一个关系技术。 |
| 121 | There's a set of skills that work better. | 有一套技能可以更好地工作. |
| 122 | For example, and we'll go over it, | 比如说,我们再看看 |
| 123 | but just one example, | 但仅举一个例子 |
| 124 | it works better to ask your partner for what you want | 问你的搭档想要什么更好 |
| 125 | than to criticize them for what they're doing wrong. | 而不是批评他们做错什么 |
| 126 | Now who does? | 现在是谁? |
| 127 | Listen, in our culture, | 听着 在我们的文化中 |
| 128 | the way we try and get more of what we want | 我们试图获得更多想要的东西 |
| 129 | in our relationships is we share our feelings | 在我们的关系中 我们分享我们的感情 |
| 130 | about how miserable we are that you just blew it. | 关于我们有多悲惨 你刚刚搞砸了。 |
| 131 | That's how we try and get it. | 这就是我们如何尝试得到它。 |
| 132 | That's the worst behavioral mind. | 这是最糟糕的行为思维。 |
| 133 | You don't treat a dog like, | 你对狗可不会这样 |
| 134 | how about just punishing a dog every time they get it wrong? | 每次他们弄错了就惩罚狗怎么样? |
| 135 | No, I talk about three steps of getting what you want. | 不,我说到三个步骤 得到你想要的。 |
| 136 | One, this is the important one, | 第一,这是重要的一个, |
| 137 | dare to rock the boat. | 敢摇船. |
| 138 | We're gonna talk about that. | 我们来谈谈 |
| 139 | Dare to tell the truth, | 敢于说实话 |
| 140 | but you have to do it skillfully. | 但你必须熟练地做 |
| 141 | Two, once your partner's listening, | 二,一旦你的搭档听, |
| 142 | help them out. | 帮帮他们 |
| 143 | Teach them what you want. | 教他们你想要什么。 |
| 144 | I would rather you do it this way than that way, honey. | 我宁愿你这样做 而不是那样,亲爱的。 |
| 145 | Honey with love. | 以爱为蜜. |
| 146 | And then three, when they start to give it to you, | 然后三,当他们开始给你, |
| 147 | reward them, don't criticize them | 奖励他们,不要批评他们 |
| 148 | while you did a half-assed job. | 而你做了一个半个屁股的工作。 |
| 149 | Hey, you did a half-assed job. | 嘿,你做了一个半屁股的工作。 |
| 150 | Isn't that great? | 是不是很棒吗? |
| 151 | Let's get the other cheek on board while we're at it. | 趁机把另一个脸颊放上去 |
| 152 | It seems so simple. | 这看起来很简单。 |
| 153 | Tell the truth, teach your partner what you want | 说实话 教你的搭档你想要什么 |
| 154 | and reward them when they do it, | 你当报酬他们的行为。 |
| 155 | even if it's a half-assed job. | 纵有半功德. |
| 156 | Yeah, that's the best way of getting them to do more. | 是啊,这是最好的方法 让他们做更多的。 |
| 157 | Criticizing them for what they're doing wrong | 批评他们做错了什么 |
| 158 | is about the worst way of trying to get them motivated | 就是要用最糟糕的方法来激励他们 |
| 159 | to give you more. | 来给你更多。 |
| 160 | But we don't know these basics in this culture. | 但是,我们不知道这种文化中的这些基本内容. |
| 161 | I'm a family therapist for 40 years. | 我做家庭治疗师40年。 |
| 162 | The father of family therapy was Gregory Bason, | 家庭治疗的父亲是格雷戈里·巴森, |
| 163 | the husband of Margaret Mead. | 玛格丽特·米德的丈夫 |
| 164 | And Bason's whole work, the birth of family therapy, | 而巴森的全部工作,家庭疗法的诞生, |
| 165 | is what he called correcting humankind's | 这是他所谓的 纠正人类的 |
| 166 | philosophical mistake, | 哲学错误, |
| 167 | which is that we stand apart from nature | 即我们与自然相隔绝 |
| 168 | and we can control it. | 我们能控制它。 |
| 169 | Both wrong. | 都错了 |
| 170 | And by the way, apropos of the let them theory, | 顺便说一句,关于允许的理论, |
| 171 | control can be one-up. | 控制可以单调. |
| 172 | That tends to be more traditionally male. | 这往往更像男性的传统。 |
| 173 | Sit down, shut up, and do what I tell you. | 坐下,闭嘴,照我说的做 |
| 174 | Control can also be up-regulating from the one down. | 控制也可以是上调的 从一个下降。 |
| 175 | That's codependent. | 这是共同的依赖。 |
| 176 | That's enabling. | 这是授权。 |
| 177 | That's trying getting your partner to dot, dot, dot. | 试图让你的搭档 点,点,点。 |
| 178 | That's traditionally more feminine under patriarchy. | 这传统上在父权制下更女性化. |
| 179 | Intimacy, here's one of the first things I want to say. | 亲密,这是我首先要说的一件事。 |
| 180 | To really move into the intimacy we want | 要真正进入我们想要的亲密关系 |
| 181 | means nothing less than moving beyond | 意思就是超越 |
| 182 | traditional gender roles for all of us. | 我们所有人的传统性别角色。 |
| 183 | Women have to move out of resentful accommodation, | 妇女必须搬出 怨恨的住所, |
| 184 | control, enabling. | 控制,启用。 |
| 185 | That's what your book is all about. | 尔时金刚手菩萨摩诃萨. |
| 186 | And my generation's early feminists shifted | 我这代人早期的女权主义者也变了 |
| 187 | from the one down traditionally feminine role | 传统女性角色 |
| 188 | to the one up traditionally masculine role. | 传统男性角色。 |
| 189 | I call that individual empowerment. | 我称之为个人赋权。 |
| 190 | I was weak, now I'm strong, go screw yourself. | 我当时很虚弱,现在我很强壮 去他妈的自己。 |
| 191 | No. | 没有 |
| 192 | I was weak, now I'm strong, let's work together. | 我当时很弱,现在很强壮,让我们一起工作. |
| 193 | We're a team. | 我们是一个团队。 |
| 194 | I love you. | 我爱你 |
| 195 | I call that relational empowerment. | 我称之为增强关系能力。 |
| 196 | And in our culture, man, that is new news. | 在我们的文化中,这是新的新闻。 |
| 197 | And therapy, 12-step sponsors, women's groups, | 还有治疗 十二步赞助商 妇女团体 |
| 198 | men's groups, all individual empowerment. | 男子团体,所有个人赋权。 |
| 199 | I wouldn't put up with that if I was you. | 如果我是你 我也不会忍受的 |
| 200 | Well, that's easy to say. | 嗯,这很容易说。 |
| 201 | How about roll up your sleeves, you love each other. | 如何是把袖子卷起来,彼此相爱. |
| 202 | How are you gonna make this work together? | 你们要怎么合作? |
| 203 | So there were so many things you just said | 你刚才说了很多话 |
| 204 | that I want to dig into. | 我想调查一下 |
| 205 | I love this idea of relationship technology | 我喜欢这种关系技术 |
| 206 | and skills that we can build. | 以及我们能够建立的技能。 |
| 207 | I also love that you're starting from a place | 我也喜欢你从一个地方开始 |
| 208 | of this larger container that we're all in, | 这个更大的容器,我们都在里面, |
| 209 | which is culture. | 这是文化。 |
| 210 | I also appreciate the fact that the traditional gender roles | 我还赞赏传统的性别角色。 |
| 211 | that a quote man is supposed to act this way, | 一个引言人应该这样做, |
| 212 | a woman's supposed to act that way, | 一个女人应该这样做, |
| 213 | that those are leading to a lot of dissatisfaction | 导致很多不满 |
| 214 | in relationships on both sides. | 在双方的关系。 |
| 215 | And there was something that you said | 有件事你说 |
| 216 | that I want to make sure we unpack, | 我想确保我们打包, |
| 217 | and that was the term resentful accommodation. | 那是怨恨的住处 |
| 218 | What does that mean? | 这是什么意思? |
| 219 | Ask any woman on the street. | 问街上任何女人. |
| 220 | Well, I know what it means, but I... | 我知道这意味着什么 但我... |
| 221 | Well, what did it mean in your life? | 好吧,这是什么意思 在你的生活中? |
| 222 | So resentful accommodation was the biggest example | 如此怨恨的住宿是最大的例子 |
| 223 | that I can think of, is that when we were in a massive | 我能想到的是,当我们在一个巨大的 |
| 224 | financial crisis, Chris cratered, | 金融危机,克里斯 陨石坑, |
| 225 | and his confidence in himself, | 他对自己的信心, |
| 226 | his ability to believe in himself, | 他相信自己的能力, |
| 227 | this sense that he had failed as a husband, | 这种感觉 他作为一个丈夫失败了, |
| 228 | as a father to provide, that he had lost people money. | 作为父亲提供, 他失去了人们的钱。 |
| 229 | As he was collapsing, I became more and more resentful | 当他倒塌的时候,我越来越怨恨他 |
| 230 | because I felt like it was my job | 因为我觉得那是我的工作 |
| 231 | to then step up and save us | 来拯救我们 |
| 232 | and do what I thought should have been his job. | 做我本该做的 |
| 233 | Again, traditional gender roles, | 同样,传统的性别角色, |
| 234 | that he's supposed to be the one that's the breadwinner, | 他应该是养家糊口的人 |
| 235 | I'm supposed to make some money, that's our fun money. | 我应该赚点钱的 那是我们有趣的钱 |
| 236 | And when that didn't work... | 而当它没有工作... |
| 237 | You both cratered. | 你们俩都撞了 |
| 238 | We both cratered. | 我们两个都撞了 |
| 239 | The whole marriage cratered. | 整个婚姻都崩溃了 |
| 240 | Yes, and so the resentfulness is, | 是的,所以怨恨是, |
| 241 | kind of comes from that thing of, | 一种来自的东西, |
| 242 | I thought it was gonna be this way, | 我以为会是这样 |
| 243 | and I think you owe me something, and now I'm pissed. | 我觉得你欠我点什么 现在我很生气 |
| 244 | So now I'm gonna go do this thing, | 所以现在我要去做这件事情, |
| 245 | and go make the money and get three jobs | 去挣钱,找三份工作 |
| 246 | and do what I need to do, and now I'm mad, | 做我该做的 现在我疯了 |
| 247 | because when I come home, the laundry's still there | 因为当我回家, 洗衣房仍然在那里 |
| 248 | and all this stuff is still there. | 这些东西都还在 |
| 249 | Probably is a lot of the tone that you hear | 可能是你听到的很多调子 |
| 250 | when you're sitting with couples. | 当你坐在夫妇。 |
| 251 | And the interesting thing is, | 有趣的是,我们... |
| 252 | is that if I look at your three things, | 如果我看着你的三件事 |
| 253 | tell the truth about what you need, | 说实话 你需要什么, |
| 254 | listen, and teach somebody what you want, | 听着, 教别人你想要什么, |
| 255 | and then reward them. | 然后奖励他们。 |
| 256 | And it seems so simple, | 看起来很简单 |
| 257 | but when you're caught in that cycle | 但当你陷入循环 |
| 258 | of the emotion of all of it, | 他们的感情, |
| 259 | and you start to pull away from each other, | 而你们开始相互远离, |
| 260 | and that distance comes in, | 和距离进入, |
| 261 | I think this is the heart of what you help people do. | 我认为这就是你帮助人们的心脏 |
| 262 | Well, you know, I mean, I don't need to be heartless, | 嗯,你知道,我的意思是, 我不需要无情, |
| 263 | but I would look at the two of you and I go, | 但我会看着你们两个,我走了, |
| 264 | what a great opportunity. | 多么伟大的机会。 |
| 265 | Which is not, I'm not an empathic therapist. | 我不是心理治疗师 |
| 266 | You want empathy? | 你想同情我吗? |
| 267 | Oh, I'm sorry. | 对不起 |
| 268 | No, look at how you both grew. | 不,看看你们怎么长大的 |
| 269 | And you cracked. | 而你崩溃了。 |
| 270 | Patriarchy cracked. | 牧首权崩溃了 |
| 271 | One of the first things I have to teach people, | 我首先要教别人一件事 |
| 272 | and I'd love people to listen to this, | 我希望人们能听听这个 |
| 273 | is healthy self-esteem, which is rare in our culture. | 这是健康的自尊,这是我们文化中罕见的。 |
| 274 | Healthy self-esteem comes from the inside out. | 健康的自尊来自内心。 |
| 275 | You have worth, you have dignity, | 你有价值,有尊严, |
| 276 | because you're here on this planet, | 因为你在这星球上 |
| 277 | you're a human being, no better or worse than anybody else. | 你是人,没有比任何人好或坏。 |
| 278 | And unhealthy self-esteem comes from the outside in. | 而不健康的自尊来自外部。 |
| 279 | And for many men, it's performance-based. | 而对于许多男人来说,这是基于表现的. |
| 280 | I have worth because of what I can do. | 我值钱是因为我能做什么 |
| 281 | I have worth because of how much I earn. | 我有价值,因为我挣了多少钱。 |
| 282 | And for many women, it's other-based. | 而对于许多女性来说,它是其他基础的. |
| 283 | I have worth because you think I do. | 我有价值,因为你认为我有。 |
| 284 | And that cracked for both of you. | 你们俩都一样 |
| 285 | You were gonna be taken care of by Prince Charming, | 你会被白马王子照顾的 |
| 286 | but Prince Charming was drinking himself down the toilet | 但是白马王子在马桶里喝酒 |
| 287 | and depressed as hell, | 沮丧, |
| 288 | because his performance-based esteem had cracked. | 因为他以表现为主的尊敬被打破了 |
| 289 | So you know what? | 你知道吗? |
| 290 | It doesn't mean there was something wrong with you. | 这不代表你有问题 |
| 291 | It means there was something wrong | 意思是有些不对劲 |
| 292 | with what you were both trying to live up to, | 你们两个都想做点什么 |
| 293 | and it didn't work. | 却没成功 |
| 294 | The problem is, okay, so what was going on? | 问题是,好吧,那是怎么回事? |
| 295 | This is one of the great things nobody gets. | 这是最伟大的事情之一 没有人得到。 |
| 296 | All relationships are an endless dance | 所有的关系都是无尽的舞蹈 |
| 297 | of harmony, disharmony, and repair. | 和谐,不和谐,修复。 |
| 298 | That's what you and Chris lived through, big time. | 这就是你和克里斯所经历的 |
| 299 | All relationships are an endless dance | 所有的关系都是无尽的舞蹈 |
| 300 | of harmony, disharmony, and repair. | 和谐,不和谐,修复。 |
| 301 | That's correct. | 没错 |
| 302 | And here's what I'm going to guess, | 我想是这样的 |
| 303 | because as you're listening right now to Terry, | 因为你现在在听Terry的话 |
| 304 | 你在YouTube上看这个 | |
| 305 | first of all, I want you wherever you are, | 首先,我要你 无论你在哪里, |
| 306 | whether you're single, whether you're heartbroken, | 无论你单身, 无论你心碎, |
| 307 | whether you're in a marriage that feels like roommates, | 无论你是否在婚姻中 感觉像室友, |
| 308 | whether you're recognizing the resentment | 无论你是否意识到 怨恨 |
| 309 | that is coming up in your relationship, | 你们的恋情即将来临 |
| 310 | Terry is asking us all to look at where you're at | 泰瑞请大家看看你在哪 |
| 311 | as one giant opportunity. | 是一个巨大的机会。 |
| 312 | And when you say all relationships are an endless dance | 当你说所有的关系 是一个无尽的舞蹈 |
| 313 | of harmony, disharmony, and repair, | 以和谐、不和谐、修补的盟誓, |
| 314 | I'm willing to guess, based on my own experience, Terry, | 我愿意猜测, 根据我自己的经验,特里, |
| 315 | being married 29 years, that most couples | 结婚29年,大多数夫妇 |
| 316 | are in harmony and disharmony. | 是和谐和不和谐的。 |
| 317 | Harmony and disharmony, but no repair. | 和谐与不和谐,但不能修复. |
| 318 | No repair, because that's where the skills come in | 没有修补,因为技术就在这里 |
| 319 | and we don't know them. | 我们不认识他们 |
| 320 | But also, two things. | 还有两件事 |
| 321 | First of all, our culture doesn't even acknowledge | 首先 我们的文化甚至不承认 |
| 322 | the disharmony to begin with. | 开始的不和谐。 |
| 323 | A good relationship is all harmony. | 良好的关系是所有和谐。 |
| 324 | That's what you thought when you were young. | 尔时世尊如是思惟. |
| 325 | That's true. | 没错 |
| 326 | And you were bitterly disappointed. | 你当时很失望 |
| 327 | Yes, and aimed it right at him. | 是的,并用它瞄准他。 |
| 328 | Well, of course, he failed you. | 当然,他辜负了你 |
| 329 | But you picked him. | 但你选了他 |
| 330 | I'd like to say we all marry our unfinished business. | 我想说我们都娶了未完成的生意 |
| 331 | Whoa, hold on. | 单单 |
| 332 | We all marry our unfinished business? | 我们都娶了未完成的事业? |
| 333 | You got it. | 没问题 |
| 334 | You know what? | 你知道吗? |
| 335 | Young Mal could have had a guy | 年轻马儿可能有一个男人 |
| 336 | that would have done everything she wanted him to do. | 那会是她想要他做的 |
| 337 | I guarantee you, there are guys you dated | 我向你保证,有的人你约会 |
| 338 | who you would not have gone through this crisis with. | 你也不会和他一起经历危机 |
| 339 | They did not blip on your screen. | 他们没有在你的屏幕。 |
| 340 | I call this the mysticism of marriage. | 我称之为婚姻的神秘主义 |
| 341 | The mysticism of marriage? | 婚姻的神秘主义? |
| 342 | Yes, we have the opportunity to heal our deepest wounds. | 是的,我们有机会治愈我们最深的创伤。 |
| 343 | Not, falling in love means, oh yeah, | 不,坠入爱河意味着, 哦,是的, |
| 344 | this person's gonna give it to me. | 这个人会把它给我。 |
| 345 | I'm gonna be healed. | 我会痊愈的 |
| 346 | They're gonna give me everything I didn't get. | 他们会给我我没有得到的一切 |
| 347 | Good luck. | 祝你好运 |
| 348 | A real relationship comes. | 真正的关系来了。 |
| 349 | I like to say, when you realize your partner is, | 我想说 当你意识到你的搭档是 |
| 350 | here's my quote, exquisitely designed | 这是我的引言,精心设计 |
| 351 | to stick the burning spear right into your eyeball. | 把燃烧的长矛插进眼球 |
| 352 | That's the crisis. | 这就是危机。 |
| 353 | That's not a bad relationship. | 这关系还不错 |
| 354 | That's a real relationship. | 这是真正的关系。 |
| 355 | The question is, now what? | 问题是,现在怎么办? |
| 356 | Are you just gonna repeat the same old same old? | 你只是要重复同样的旧? |
| 357 | That's hell. | 这是地狱。 |
| 358 | Or are you gonna wake up and do something different? | 还是你醒过来做别的事? |
| 359 | The crisis can wake you up if you allow it, | 危机可以唤醒你 如果你允许, |
| 360 | but you have to do it. | 但你必须这样做。 |
| 361 | And so, there's a lot that goes into | 所以,有很多事情要处理 |
| 362 | why we don't wake up, how to wake up, | 为什么我们不醒来, 如何醒来, |
| 363 | and if we do say awake, what the hell do we do then? | 如果我们说醒了 我们该怎么办? |
| 364 | What does unfinished business mean? | 未完成的工作意味着什么? |
| 365 | That what does, because it's true, | 那才是事实,因为它是真的, |
| 366 | the person that you're in a relationship with | 和你交往的人 |
| 367 | has an uncanny way to get under your skin, | 有种不可思议的方式 让你的皮肤, |
| 368 | piss you off, frustrate the hell out of you. | 惹你生气 让你失望 |
| 369 | You love him, but you wanna kill him at times, right? | 你爱他,但你想杀了他 有时,对不对? |
| 370 | Definitely wanna change him. | 当然想改变他 |
| 371 | But what does unfinished business mean exactly for us? | 但是,未完成的工作究竟对我们意味着什么? |
| 372 | It means that you are now exactly in the childhood wound | 就是说你现在正身处童年的伤口 |
| 373 | that that son of a gun that you picked | 你选的那把枪的儿子 |
| 374 | was supposed to never put you in. | 本来不该把你关进去的 |
| 375 | You have been fundamentally betrayed. | 你被彻底背叛了 |
| 376 | You are back, you're for, you're with your crazy family, | 你回来了,你为, 你与你的疯狂的家庭, |
| 377 | and your partner is just as chaotic, it turns out, | 你的搭档同样混乱 结果发现 |
| 378 | as your dad was. | 就像你父亲一样 |
| 379 | Your partner is just as betraying as your mom was. | 你的搭档跟你妈一样背叛人 |
| 380 | Whatever the wound is, all of a sudden it's in your face, | 无论伤口是什么, 突然间它出现在你脸上, |
| 381 | and that's not what you signed up for. | 这不是你报名的目的 |
| 382 | And you hate that son of a gun. | 你讨厌那个混蛋 |
| 383 | You are talking to the guy, my favorite quote | 你在和那家伙说话 我最喜欢的引言 |
| 384 | is normal marital hatred. | 这是正常的婚姻仇恨。 |
| 385 | Normal marital hatred? | 正常的婚姻仇恨吗? |
| 386 | Normal marital hatred. | 正常的婚姻仇恨。 |
| 387 | My God. | 天呐 |
| 388 | I gotta tell you, I've been around the world | 我得告诉你,我去过世界各地 |
| 389 | talking about normal marital hatred for four, not once | 谈正常的婚姻仇恨 四,不是一次 |
| 390 | has anyone come backstage and said, | 有人来后台说 |
| 391 | what do you mean by that? | 这是什么意思? |
| 392 | You just don't say it next to the spouse | 你只是不说 旁边的配偶 |
| 393 | you're sitting next to, right? | 你坐在旁边,对不对? |
| 394 | 但我们有 But we do. | |
| 395 | But you feel it. | 但你感觉到了 |
| 396 | We do. | 没错 |
| 397 | There is a part of me, nice to say a part of me, | 有一部分我, 很高兴说的一部分我, |
| 398 | there's a part of me that hates you right now. | 我现在有一部分讨厌你 |
| 399 | Yes, okay. | 是的,还好。 |
| 400 | Here's why. | 这是为什么。 |
| 401 | But more important, here's what we can do | 但更重要的是,我们能做的是 |
| 402 | to get the hell out of this thing together. | 一起离开这鬼地方 |
| 403 | Let's hold on. | 坚持住 |
| 404 | So if we just take these, | 所以,如果我们只是拿这些, |
| 405 | I'm just gonna keep building here. | 我只是要继续在这里建设。 |
| 406 | So wherever it is that you are, | 所以无论你在哪里 |
| 407 | in that never ending dance in the relationship, | 在其中不结束 舞蹈在关系, |
| 408 | the partner that you're with, | 与你搭档, |
| 409 | or the relationship that just ended, | 或者刚刚结束的关系, |
| 410 | offers you the opportunity to deal with unfinished business. | 让你有机会处理未完成的工作。 |
| 411 | And the opportunity in the unfinished business | 和未完成事业的机会 |
| 412 | is that in every single relationship that you're in, | 在你的每一个关系中, |
| 413 | your childhood crap and their childhood crap comes up. | 你的童年废话和他们的童年废话出现了。 |
| 414 | And so is it safe to say that when you look at the person | 当你看着那个人时 也可以说 |
| 415 | that you're in a relationship with as an adult, | 你和成年人的关系 |
| 416 | that you really are looking at not the adult version, | 你真的在看 成人版, |
| 417 | but really I should be thinking about Chris | 但我真的应该想到克里斯 |
| 418 | as here's the little eight-year-old version of Chris | 克里斯的八岁版本 |
| 419 | and now he's my husband. | 现在他是我的丈夫 |
| 420 | It depends on who's there. | 这取决于谁在那里。 |
| 421 | Who's who? | 谁? |
| 422 | Who's there. | 谁在. |
| 423 | As a therapist, my most critical question | 作为一个治疗师,我最关键的问题 |
| 424 | is not what are the stressors. | 这不是什么是压力。 |
| 425 | It's not even what's the pattern. | 这甚至不是什么模式。 |
| 426 | The most critical question, | 最关键的问题, |
| 427 | which part of you am I speaking to? | 我在跟你们哪个部分说话? |
| 428 | We're talking right now, | 我们现在在说话 |
| 429 | my wise adult brain is talking to your wise adult brain. | 我聪明的成年人大脑在跟你聪明的成年人大脑说话 |
| 430 | Prefrontal cortex doesn't develop until 26 years old. | 前额皮层直到26岁才发育. |
| 431 | When you get trauma triggered, | 当你受到创伤时 |
| 432 | when Chris betrays you, when Belinda betrays me | 当克里斯背叛你 当贝琳达背叛我 |
| 433 | in exactly the way I hired him to never do, God damn it, | 我雇他从不这么做 该死的 |
| 434 | I get flooded. | 我被淹没了 |
| 435 | I get trauma flooded. | 我被创伤淹没了 |
| 436 | And then what comes up is what we call | 接下来我们称之为 |
| 437 | the wounded child part of you, very young, | 受伤的孩子的一部分 你,非常年轻, |
| 438 | just cry, cry, cry, rage, rage, rage. | 只是哭,哭,哭,愤怒,愤怒,愤怒。 |
| 439 | Between this very immature part of the brain | 在大脑这个很不成熟的部分之间 |
| 440 | and this sub-cortical, it's a different part of your brain | 和这个亚道德, 它是一个不同的部分 你的大脑 |
| 441 | and this very mature part of the brain | 而大脑的这个非常成熟的部分 |
| 442 | is what I call the adaptive child part of you | 是我所说的适应性孩子的一部分 |
| 443 | and that's what I work with. | 这就是我的工作。 |
| 444 | The adaptive child part of you is the you | 适应性强的孩子就是你 |
| 445 | that you learned to be growing up in that crazy family. | 你学会了在这个疯狂的家庭中长大 |
| 446 | Fight, you know that knee-jerk survival. | 战斗,你知道 膝关节生存。 |
| 447 | Fight, flight, or fawn, which as an adult means fix. | 战斗,飞行,或小鹿,作为成年人意味着固定。 |
| 448 | Fight, screw me, screw you. | 战斗,操我,操你 |
| 449 | Flight, I'm shutting this down. | 飞行,我要关闭它。 |
| 450 | And fix, oh my God, oh my God, you're upsetting me. | 并修复,哦,我的上帝, 哦,我的上帝,你让我烦恼。 |
| 451 | It's not working on things from a tour place. | 游乐场的东西都没用 |
| 452 | It's an anxious over-functioning is what you write about. | 你写的是焦躁过度 |
| 453 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 454 | So fight, flight, or fix is in knee-jerk, | 所以,战斗,飞行, 或固定在膝盖球, |
| 455 | it's automatic. | 自动的 |
| 456 | We think it's an adult. | 我们认为这是一个成年人。 |
| 457 | It does okay out in the world often, | 这在世界上是正常的, |
| 458 | but it makes a mess of your relationships. | 但你们的关系却一团糟 |
| 459 | So what makes life difficult is you're in harmony, | 所以生活最难的是你和谐 |
| 460 | you're in a wise adult. | 你是一个聪明的成年人。 |
| 461 | You get into disharmony, | 你变得不和谐, |
| 462 | that prefrontal cortex out the window. | 窗外的前额皮层 |
| 463 | And now it's automatic knee-jerk survival | 现在,它自动的膝盖球生存 |
| 464 | and you do what you did as a kid and it doesn't work. | 你做你小时候做过的事 却不起作用 |
| 465 | And the more you do it, the more it doesn't work, | 你越做越没用 |
| 466 | the more frustrated you get, | 你越感到沮丧, |
| 467 | not with you, but with your partner. | 不是和你 而是你的搭档 |
| 468 | You have to take a breath, take a breath. | 你必须呼吸,呼吸。 |
| 469 | The first skill we teach people now | 我们现在教别人的第一种技能 |
| 470 | is what I call relational mindfulness. | 我称之为关系意识。 |
| 471 | When you're flooded, when you're triggered, | 当你被淹没, 当你被触发, |
| 472 | take a break, walk around the block, take 10 breaths. | 休息一下,绕着街区走,呼吸10声 |
| 473 | Because what happens is when you move | 因为当你移动时会发生什么 |
| 474 | from harmony into disharmony, | 从和谐到不和谐, |
| 475 | you get wounded. | 你会受伤 |
| 476 | And then most of us have about 10 seconds | 然后我们大部分人还有十秒 |
| 477 | worth of tolerance for that. | 值得容忍这一点。 |
| 478 | We don't stay in that wound. | 我们不能留在伤口里 |
| 479 | And we move into our automatic habitual response | 我们进入我们的自动常态反应 |
| 480 | and it doesn't work. | 它没有工作。 |
| 481 | Remember I said, you're very unfeeling, that's healing. | 记得我说过,你很不感动,这是治愈。 |
| 482 | The healing comes when you can pull yourself out | 当你能脱身时 愈合就会出现 |
| 483 | of that automatic subcortical part of the brain and wake up. | 大脑中自动的亚致部分 然后醒来 |
| 484 | I call it relational mindfulness. | 我称之为关系意识。 |
| 485 | Okay, I also call it remembering love. | 好吧,我也叫它记得爱。 |
| 486 | Okay, he's not the enemy, he's my guy. | 好吧,他不是敌人,他是我的人。 |
| 487 | I don't hate him, I love him. | 我不恨他 我爱他 |
| 488 | We're struggling, what the hell do we do? | 我们在挣扎,我们该怎么办? |
| 489 | I don't know, but let's talk about it. | 我不知道,但让我们谈谈吧。 |
| 490 | When you're there, then you can use the skills. | 当你在那里,然后你可以使用技能。 |
| 491 | But the first skill is getting into the part of you. | 但第一技能是进入你的一部分。 |
| 492 | I like to say other therapies teach you skills. | 我喜欢说其他疗法 教你的技能。 |
| 493 | What I've created, I call it relational life therapy, | 我创造的东西,我称之为 关系生活疗法, |
| 494 | deals with the part of you that won't use them. | 处理你那部分不会使用它们。 |
| 495 | Oh my God, well I once heard somebody say | 哦,我的上帝,我曾经听到有人说 |
| 496 | that one of the reasons why oftentimes therapy | 经常治疗的原因之一 |
| 497 | can help you really be aware of things | 能帮助你真正意识到一些事情 |
| 498 | and help you understand what's happening. | 并帮助你理解 发生了什么。 |
| 499 | But when you're talking to a therapist or a doctor | 但当你跟治疗师或医生说话时 |
| 500 | or even a friend or you and I have a conversation right now, | 甚至一个朋友 或者你 我现在有谈话 |
| 501 | you are using your prefrontal cortex. | 你用的是前额皮层 |
| 502 | I'm present, I'm not stressed out right now. | 我在场,我现在没有压力 |
| 503 | I'm not in fight or flight, you're not pissing me off. | 我不是在战斗或飞行, 你没有惹我生气。 |
| 504 | So I'm in the wise adult part of my brain. | 因此我进入了智慧的成年部分 |
| 505 | And so you and I may talk. | 这样我们就可以谈谈了 |
| 506 | Okay, next time I come home from traveling for 10 days | 好吧,下一次我回家 从旅行十天 |
| 507 | and I walk in the house and there are dead flowers | 我走进屋里,有枯花 |
| 508 | in dirty water sitting in the middle | 坐在中间的污水里, |
| 509 | of the island in the kitchen. | 在厨房的岛上。 |
| 510 | There you go again. | 又来了 |
| 511 | Which floods me. | 我被淹没了 |
| 512 | That's right. | 没错 |
| 513 | And I think how many times did I? | 我想我做过多少次了? |
| 514 | And does nobody know that I'm coming back? | 没人知道我会回来吗? |
| 515 | Does nobody know that I care? | 没人知道我在乎吗? |
| 516 | I go right into that. | 我这就去。 |
| 517 | Which I'm sure if Chris is in the next room | 我确定克里斯是不是在隔壁房间 |
| 518 | and he hears the volcano erupting | 他听见火山喷发, |
| 519 | that is the wounded Mel Robbins, | 这是受伤的梅尔・罗宾斯, |
| 520 | he probably shuts down. | 他可能关闭。 |
| 521 | It's not the wounded Mel Robbins. | 不是受伤的梅尔·罗宾斯 |
| 522 | Cause you don't go to Chris and go, | 因为你不去克里斯那里 |
| 523 | you know, I feel my feelings are hurt | 你知道,我觉得我的感情受伤了 |
| 524 | that I come home and those flowers are dead. | 我回家,那些花都死了。 |
| 525 | I don't feel like, I don't feel cared about. | 我不觉得,我不觉得关心。 |
| 526 | No. | 没有 |
| 527 | Why would I do that? | 我为什么要这么做? |
| 528 | When I can take a photo | 当我可以拍照时 |
| 529 | and send a passive aggressive text message. | 并发送被动的短信。 |
| 530 | Why would I do that, Terry? | 我为什么要那么做,泰瑞? |
| 531 | When I can dump the flowers out in the sink loudly | 当我能把花丢在水槽里时 |
| 532 | and then throw the things in the trash | 然后把东西扔进垃圾桶 |
| 533 | as if I'm sending anger signal waves. | 我好像在发出愤怒信号 |
| 534 | Like this was an old dynamic between us. | 就像我们之间以前一样 |
| 535 | Well, and a lot of other people, my marriage too. | 还有很多人 我的婚姻也一样 |
| 536 | So pull apart that. | 所以拉开它。 |
| 537 | When you're in the hurt, you know, I feel abandoned. | 当你受伤的时候,我觉得被抛弃了 |
| 538 | I feel uncared about and we could go into your childhood | 我觉得不关心 我们可以进入你的童年 |
| 539 | but I'm sure that that has resonance. | 但我相信这有共鸣。 |
| 540 | But like all of us, you have about two seconds | 但和我们一样 你有两秒钟的时间 |
| 541 | worth of tolerance for that helplessness and vulnerability. | 对于这种无助和脆弱,我们值得容忍。 |
| 542 | And you go from the one down to the one up. | 你从下到上 |
| 543 | You go from shame, helplessness, not cared about | 你从羞耻,无助,不在乎 |
| 544 | to anger, indignation. | 愤怒,愤怒。 |
| 545 | What kind of person does that? | 什么样的人这样做? |
| 546 | And what's devilish about that is you feel better. | 而最邪恶的是,你感觉好多了。 |
| 547 | It works. | 它的工作原理。 |
| 548 | Cause I think, why does it work? | 因为我想,为什么它工作? |
| 549 | Because grandiosity feels good. | 因为荣耀感很好 |
| 550 | Shame feels bad. | 羞耻的感觉不好。 |
| 551 | The wound feels bad. | 伤口很疼 |
| 552 | The adaptation feels good. | 适应感觉不错。 |
| 553 | It works. | 它的工作原理。 |
| 554 | We're not so, look, we move into these defensive moves, | 我们没有,你看,我们进入这些防御动作, |
| 555 | self-medication, rage, affairs. | 自我药剂,愤怒,事务。 |
| 556 | They make a mess of our lives. | 他们把我们的生活搞得一团糟 |
| 557 | But we're not so stupid that we move into stuff | 但是我们没那么蠢,我们搬来搬去 |
| 558 | that feels bad. | 感觉很糟 |
| 559 | It feels good. | 感觉不错。 |
| 560 | Grandiosity feels good. | 高贵的感觉很好 |
| 561 | That's one of my great contributions of my work. | 这是我工作的一大贡献. |
| 562 | Grandiosity feels good. | 高贵的感觉很好 |
| 563 | It just makes a hash of things. | 它只是一团糟的东西。 |
| 564 | So you have to take a breath. | 所以,你必须呼吸。 |
| 565 | You're a fighter. | 你是个战士。 |
| 566 | I'm a fighter. | 我是一个战士。 |
| 567 | Go into the fighter. | 进入战斗机。 |
| 568 | This is a shutter downer. | 这是一个关闭器。 |
| 569 | Well, there you go. | 给你 |
| 570 | He goes right into, don't talk. | 他进去了,别说话 |
| 571 | Bye. | 再见。 |
| 572 | Goodbye. | 再见 |
| 573 | Yeah, the more you rage, the more I shut down. | 是啊,你越发愤怒, 我越关闭。 |
| 574 | And then that makes you so frustrated. | 那会让你很沮丧 |
| 575 | Well, then you rage more. | 那么,你更愤怒。 |
| 576 | Yes, and then they shut down more. | 是的,然后他们关闭更多。 |
| 577 | And then you, or same thing, if you're a fixer, | 如果你是修补者 |
| 578 | now I'm trying to fix this, | 现在,我想解决这个问题, |
| 579 | and now you're getting more angry at me, | 现在你更生我的气了 |
| 580 | or now I'm just trying to solve this, | 或者现在我只是想解决这个问题 |
| 581 | and now you won't even talk to me. | 现在你甚至不跟我说话。 |
| 582 | And so I can see how you get stuck in a loop with somebody. | 这样我就能看出你是如何和别人 陷入一个圈子的 |
| 583 | Yeah, everybody comes to me in a loop. | 是啊,每个人都来我身边一个循环。 |
| 584 | The more, the more. | 越之则愈. |
| 585 | Wait, hold on. | 等等 坚持住 |
| 586 | Everybody that comes to you, Terry, | 所有来找你的人 泰瑞 |
| 587 | is in a loop. | 是一个循环。 |
| 588 | And it's this loop of your adaptation | 这是你适应的循环 |
| 589 | of what you did as a kid. | 你小时候做的事 |
| 590 | That's right. | 没错 |
| 591 | I mean, it's his adaptation. | 我的意思是,这是他的适应。 |
| 592 | Makes his adaptation as a kid. | 他小时候就适应了 |
| 593 | I wanna read to you from your New York Times bestseller, | 我想读你的纽约时报畅销书 |
| 594 | Us. | 我们 |
| 595 | This is page nine, and it's the chapter | 这是第九页,这是一章 |
| 596 | that is entitled, | 该权利, |
| 597 | Which version of you shows up to your relationship? | 你哪个版本的出现 与你的关系? |
| 598 | There's no redeeming value in harshness. | 在严酷中没有赎回价值. |
| 599 | I'm the harsh one. | 我是一个严酷的。 |
| 600 | I'll own it. | 我会拥有它。 |
| 601 | I have a tone, I'm a fighter. | 我有一个语气,我是一个战士。 |
| 602 | Yes, let's take a look at just one of the immature qualities | 是的,让我们看看 一个不成熟的品质 |
| 603 | that are prevalent in our adaptive child, harshness. | 这在我们的适应性孩子, 严酷。 |
| 604 | I tell my clients that if they walk away | 我告诉我的客户,如果他们走开 |
| 605 | from their sessions with me, | 从他们和我的会议, |
| 606 | with just this one concept, | 只有一个概念, |
| 607 | they will have spent their therapy money well. | 他们的治疗费会花得很用 |
| 608 | Here it is. | 在这里。 |
| 609 | There is no redeeming value whatsoever in harshness. | 严酷无任何赎回价值。 |
| 610 | Harshness does nothing that loving firmness | 狂躁对爱的坚定毫无帮助 |
| 611 | doesn't do better. | 没有更好的。 |
| 612 | That's revolution. | 这是革命。 |
| 613 | That's life-changing. | 这是改变生活。 |
| 614 | And by the way, harshness between you being harsh | 顺便说一句,你们之间的严酷 |
| 615 | to somebody, no value. | 对某人来说,没有价值。 |
| 616 | Allowing them to be harsh to you, no value. | 让他们对你严酷,没有价值 |
| 617 | And watch this. | 看看这个 |
| 618 | You being harsh to you. | 你对你太苛刻了 |
| 619 | No value. | 无值. |
| 620 | How many of us think, | 有多少人认为, |
| 621 | well, I have to be firm with myself | 好吧,我必须坚定自己 |
| 622 | in order to whip myself. | 为了鞭打自己。 |
| 623 | And think about the way we deal with kids on a good day. | 想想今天我们如何对待孩子 |
| 624 | You don't have to be harsh to be firm. | 固不须严. |
| 625 | Be firm. | 坚固. |
| 626 | You know, I'm 75. | 你知道,我75岁。 |
| 627 | I like to tell my clients at 75, | 我想告诉客户75, |
| 628 | I have a deal with the universe. | 我和宇宙有个交易 |
| 629 | If it's not kind, I'm not interested. | 如果这不友善,我也不感兴趣。 |
| 630 | And that's whether it's me talking to you | 那就是我跟你说话的原因 |
| 631 | or me listening to you or me talking to me. | 或我听 或我说话。 |
| 632 | You know, that adaptive child part of me is very harsh. | 你知道,我的适应性孩子部分 非常严厉。 |
| 633 | I grew up with a violent father. | 我从小就跟暴力的父亲一起长大 |
| 634 | And I was very violent between my ears for decades. | 几十年来我一直很暴力 |
| 635 | Nowadays, that harsh critic, | 现在那个严酷的批评家 |
| 636 | I know it's just my little teenage fighter, | 我知道这只是我的小少年战士, |
| 637 | kept me alive. | 让我活着 |
| 638 | Okay, little 17-year-old fit kicker, | 好吧,小17岁的踢球运动员, |
| 639 | don't let nobody take advantage. | 别让任何人占便宜 |
| 640 | Okay, got it, pal. | 好吧,明白了,伙计。 |
| 641 | You may have something to say to me and I'll listen, | 你有话要对我说,我听 |
| 642 | but you gotta say it like you're on my side. | 但你得说出来 就像你站在我这边一样 |
| 643 | Take that in. | 拿着 |
| 644 | Say it like you're on my side. | 说得好像你站在我这边一样 |
| 645 | Then I'll listen. | 那我来听 |
| 646 | When you start to have this awakening that, | 当你开始有这个唤醒, |
| 647 | oh, I do that, I'm doing this, | 哦,我这样做,我这样做, |
| 648 | or they do that, or do the other thing, | 或者他们这样做, 或者做其他的事情, |
| 649 | what's the next step? | 下一步怎么办? |
| 650 | Take a break. | 休一觉. |
| 651 | Stop it. | 别说了 |
| 652 | Take a break. | 休一觉. |
| 653 | Duck in. | 躲起来 |
| 654 | You know, I deal with all these tough-ass guys, | 你知道,我处理所有这些 硬屁股的家伙, |
| 655 | I mean, NFL players. | 我的意思是,NFL球员。 |
| 656 | They're ducking into the bathroom, | 他们正躲进浴室 |
| 657 | putting their little five-year-old boys on their laps | 把他们的小五岁男孩放在腿上 |
| 658 | and talking to them five, six times, | 和他们交谈了5,6次, |
| 659 | literally five, six times a day. | 几乎每天五,六次。 |
| 660 | So take a break. | 故请休. |
| 661 | Relational mindfulness. | 关系意识. |
| 662 | Come out of that reactivity. | 从反应中出来 |
| 663 | Remember the person is not 14 feet tall with five arms. | 记住,这个人身高不是14英尺,有五只手臂。 |
| 664 | They're your friend. | 他们是你的朋友。 |
| 665 | They're your lover. | 他们是你的情人。 |
| 666 | They're an idiot, just like you are. | 他们是白痴,就像你一样。 |
| 667 | No better or worse. | 没有好坏。 |
| 668 | Calm down. | 冷静下来。 |
| 669 | Okay, now go back in the frame, use a skill. | 好了,现在回到框里,用个技巧。 |
| 670 | But don't try it until you're centered. | 但要到中心再试. |
| 671 | First step is getting centered. | 第一步是获得中心地位。 |
| 672 | And, you know, how do you bring up difficult topics? | 而且,你知道,你怎么提出 困难话题? |
| 673 | With love. | 用爱. |
| 674 | Who does that? | 谁干的? |
| 675 | Well, I was like, and how do I do that? | 嗯,我是喜欢, 我怎么做? |
| 676 | Like, let's say that, you know, | 比如说,你知道, |
| 677 | somebody's let their health go | 有人让自己的健康消失 |
| 678 | or that they're not motivated | 或者他们没有动机 |
| 679 | or they are not getting help for their depression | 或因抑郁症得不到帮助 |
| 680 | or they seem to have started isolating | 或者他们似乎开始孤立 |
| 681 | and they're not seeing their friends anymore. | 他们再也见不到朋友了 |
| 682 | How do you bring that up? | 你怎么提起来的? |
| 683 | And it's a difficult topic | 这话题很困难 |
| 684 | and it's something that has kind of led | 和它的东西 已经引导了一种 |
| 685 | to standoffs or arguments. | 对抗或争论。 |
| 686 | And you just don't know how to even bring it up | 你根本不知道怎么提起来 |
| 687 | without the other person feeling attacked or shutting down. | 没有其他人感到被攻击或关闭。 |
| 688 | Well, you do your best. | 好吧,你尽力而为。 |
| 689 | And, you know, you could be taking a page | 而且,你知道,你可能会 取一页 |
| 690 | from Mother Teresa and they still feel attacked | 从特蕾莎修女那里,他们仍然感到被攻击 |
| 691 | because they're in their adaptive child | 因为他们在他们适应的孩子 |
| 692 | and they feel attacked if you say, | 他们觉得被攻击,如果你说, |
| 693 | God damn it, anything to them. | 该死的,对他们来说什么都行 |
| 694 | And that's not your responsibility, it's theirs. | 这不是你的责任 这是他们的责任 |
| 695 | But you do your best. | 但你会尽力的 |
| 696 | So tenderness works better than harshness. | 所以温柔比严酷更有效 |
| 697 | Honey, sit down, let me take your hand. | 亲爱的 坐下 让我握你的手 |
| 698 | These are the things I'm noticing. | 这些是我注意到的 |
| 699 | I'm worried about you. | 我很担心你。 |
| 700 | You know, this, this and this, give them the data. | 你知道,这个,这个和这个, 给他们的数据。 |
| 701 | This, this and this. | 这个 这个 还有这个 |
| 702 | Eye makeup, not you are eye makeup | 眼妆,你不是眼妆 |
| 703 | that you're depressed these days. | 你最近很沮丧 |
| 704 | And I think it would be good for all of us | 我觉得这对我们所有人都有好处 |
| 705 | if you did something about it. | 如果你做了点什么 |
| 706 | Look, I wrote a book on male depression back in the 90s. | 我在90年代写了一本关于男性抑郁症的书 |
| 707 | It was the first book ever written. | 这是史上第一本书 |
| 708 | And what I said, NIH did a public service campaign | 我说,NIH做了一个公益运动 |
| 709 | about male depression. | 关于男性抑郁症。 |
| 710 | And I said, if you want to help depressed men, | 我说 如果你想帮助抑郁症患者 |
| 711 | aim your data at the women. | 把数据放在女人身上 |
| 712 | This is not a moment. | 这不是一个时刻。 |
| 713 | And this is our individualistic culture. | 这是我们的个人主义文化。 |
| 714 | Oh, he needs to call the doctor. | 哦,他需要打电话给医生。 |
| 715 | Yeah, well, good luck with that. | 是啊,祝你好运。 |
| 716 | How about I'll try calling the doctor. | 不如我打电话给医生 |
| 717 | I'll get him in my car and we'll drive together. | 我带他上车,我们一起开车 |
| 718 | And if that doesn't work, how about this? | 如果这样不行,怎么样? |
| 719 | We're gonna go to a couples therapist | 我们要去找情侣心理医生 |
| 720 | because I'm concerned about your drinking or your anger | 因为我担心你喝酒或生气 |
| 721 | or whatever it is I'm concerned about. | 或者我担心的是什么 |
| 722 | We've tried to talk about it. | 我们试图谈论它。 |
| 723 | I haven't found a way to talk to you about it. | 我还没找到办法跟你谈谈 |
| 724 | We need help. | 我们需要帮助。 |
| 725 | So even if you think it's their problem, | 所以即使你认为这是他们的问题 |
| 726 | go to a couples therapist and put it in front of them. | 去找一个夫妇治疗师 放在他们面前 |
| 727 | Well, as I'm really listening to you, | 因为我真的在听你的 |
| 728 | there are no problems that are their problems | 没有问题是他们的问题 |
| 729 | because every problem is our problem. | 因为每个问题都是我们的问题 |
| 730 | Your relationship is your biosphere. | 你们的关系是你的生物圈 |
| 731 | We're not above it. | 我们没有超越它。 |
| 732 | We're not below it. | 我们不低于它。 |
| 733 | We're in it, baby. | 我们在里面,宝贝。 |
| 734 | And it's in our interest to keep that biosphere healthy. | 保持生物圈的健康对我们有利 |
| 735 | How do you shift from me versus you | 你怎么从我和你之间转变 |
| 736 | to us versus the problem, | 对于我们的问题, |
| 737 | especially in situations where the problem | 特别是在有问题的情况下 |
| 738 | is your drinking or the problem is you're not motivated | 是喝酒还是问题是你没有动机 |
| 739 | or the problem is you've let yourself go | 或者问题是你已经放手了 |
| 740 | or at least that's what you think. | 或者至少这是你的想法。 |
| 741 | You think the problem is with them. | 你觉得问题在于他们 |
| 742 | Well, first have some humility is what I think | 嗯,首先要谦卑一点,我想 |
| 743 | or even more to the point, | 更严重的是, |
| 744 | this is what I'm not happy about. | 这就是我不高兴的。 |
| 745 | This is what's not comfortable for me. | 这让我不舒服 |
| 746 | Look, I'm working, you're not. | 你看,我在工作,你没有。 |
| 747 | I come home, you're on the couch drinking a beer. | 我回家,你在沙发上喝啤酒 |
| 748 | The place is a mess. | 这地方一团糟 |
| 749 | I gotta tell you, Bill, | 我要告诉你,比尔, |
| 750 | I don't mind being the woman going out | 我不介意做那个女人出去 |
| 751 | and being the breadwinner, | 且为供养者, |
| 752 | but could you at least be a good wife when I get home? | 但你至少能当我回家时做个好妻子吗? |
| 753 | I mean, this sucks. | 我的意思是,这很烂。 |
| 754 | Keep it personal. | 保持它的个人。 |
| 755 | That sounds a little judgmental. | 这听起来有点判断力。 |
| 756 | Well, keep it personal. | 好吧,保持它的个人。 |
| 757 | Okay. | 摆 |
| 758 | Keep it humble, keep it real. | 保持谦卑,保持真实. |
| 759 | This is hard for me. | 这对我来说很难。 |
| 760 | You may not be uncomfortable with dot, dot, dot, | 点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点点 |
| 761 | but I'm uncomfortable with it. | 但我对它感到不舒服。 |
| 762 | We live together. | 我们住在一起。 |
| 763 | Can we talk about what needs to happen here? | 我们能谈谈这里需要发生什么吗? |
| 764 | Is there a way to fight constructively? | 有没有办法进行建设性的斗争? |
| 765 | Sure. | 当然 |
| 766 | How do you do it? | 如何是道. 师曰. |
| 767 | This is what happened. | 事情就是这样 |
| 768 | This is what I told myself. | 这是我告诉自己的。 |
| 769 | This is how I felt and this is what I want. | 这就是我的感受,这就是我想要的。 |
| 770 | But listen to this. | 但听这个。 |
| 771 | Okay. | 摆 |
| 772 | That third step, this is what I felt. | 第三步,这就是我的感觉。 |
| 773 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 774 | Here's a tip. | 这里有一个提示。 |
| 775 | Tell me. | 告诉我 |
| 776 | Take the feeling that comes to you first and put it last. | 以先来之感而后去. |
| 777 | Okay. | 摆 |
| 778 | Anger. | 愤怒 |
| 779 | So like if anger is the thing that comes up for me first. | 所以,如果愤怒是 事情首先出现给我。 |
| 780 | Yeah, last. | 是啊,最后一个。 |
| 781 | If you lead with big, strong, | 如果你带领大,强, |
| 782 | check into your vulnerability. | 检查一下你的脆弱性。 |
| 783 | What's underneath that? | 这下面是什么? |
| 784 | Lead with that. | 带路 |
| 785 | Don't, I come home to dead flowers, you son of a bitch. | 不要,我回家 死花,你这个狗娘养的。 |
| 786 | How can, what kind of person? | 怎么可能,什么样的人? |
| 787 | No. | 没有 |
| 788 | I come home to dead flowers. | 我回到了死亡的花朵。 |
| 789 | I don't feel cared about. | 我不觉得关心。 |
| 790 | It's kind of lonely. | 这有点孤独。 |
| 791 | I felt lonely. | 我感到孤独。 |
| 792 | I felt helpless. | 我感到无助。 |
| 793 | I felt uncared about and I felt angry last, not first. | 我感到不关心,最后感到愤怒,而不是首先。 |
| 794 | And Chris will have a lot easier time hearing you. | 克里斯会更容易听到你的声音 |
| 795 | And conversely, if you're like codependent. | 反之,如果你像 依赖。 |
| 796 | And how do you know if you're codependent? | 且道如何是同心依附. |
| 797 | Because I think that's one of those words | 因为我觉得那是其中之一 |
| 798 | that I feel like it's out there | 我觉得好像在外头 |
| 799 | and I don't even know that I really understand | 我什至不知道 我真正理解 |
| 800 | what codependent is. | 何等为共依. |
| 801 | You call it over-functioning. | 你称之为超功能 |
| 802 | Over-functioning? | 功能过度? |
| 803 | Yeah, it's that anxious, it's the fixer. | 是啊,它是如此焦虑, 它是固定器。 |
| 804 | Anxious. | 愤怒 |
| 805 | So codependent means that you only feel okay | 这么靠得住意味着你只觉得没事 |
| 806 | when everybody around you is okay? | 当你周围的人都还好吗? |
| 807 | That's right. | 没错 |
| 808 | Oh. | 瓳 |
| 809 | And you're afraid to rock the boat. | 而你害怕摇船。 |
| 810 | Oh. | 瓳 |
| 811 | Yeah, that's what that means. | 是的,这就是意思。 |
| 812 | Okay. | 摆 |
| 813 | And so, look, your relationship is your biosphere. | 所以,你看,你们的关系是你的生物圈。 |
| 814 | If you're a one-up fighter, like you and me, Belinda, | 如果你像你和我一样是个单打拳手 贝琳达 |
| 815 | your biosphere needs you to come down off your high horse. | 你的生物圈需要你 下来你的高马。 |
| 816 | My feelings were hurt. | 我的感情受伤了。 |
| 817 | Oh, your biosphere is happy with that. | 你的生物圈对此很满意 |
| 818 | If you're a one-down fixer, don't set daddy off. | 如果你是一劳永逸的修补者, 不要让爸爸离开。 |
| 819 | Your biosphere needs you to stand up and find some spine. | 你的生物圈需要你站起来 找到一些脊椎。 |
| 820 | How do you do that? | 你怎么做到的? |
| 821 | Like what is your advice to the person | 就像你对人的建议 |
| 822 | that's listening that goes, well, that is me. | 这才是我 |
| 823 | I need to make sure that everybody's okay. | 我得确保大家都没事 |
| 824 | I'm always walking on eggshells. | 我总是走在蛋壳上。 |
| 825 | Everybody else comes first. | 其他人先来 |
| 826 | But then, of course, I'm exhausted and resentful | 但是,当然,我累坏了,很怨恨 |
| 827 | because nobody's taking care of me. | 因为没人照顾我 |
| 828 | How do I stand up? | 我怎么站起来? |
| 829 | How do I start to change | 我怎么才能开始改变 |
| 830 | that adaptive fixing little kid in me? | 那个适应我的小孩? |
| 831 | Yeah, well, turn to that kid | 对,那就去找那个孩子 |
| 832 | because you learned to run around and fix everything. | 因为你学会了四处跑 和修复一切。 |
| 833 | As a little girl, a little boy, | 作为一个小女孩,一个小男孩, |
| 834 | what would have happened if you hadn't done that | 如果你不这样做会发生什么事 |
| 835 | in that family you grew up with? | 你在那个家庭中长大? |
| 836 | The odds are all hell would have broken. | 几率都破了 |
| 837 | We always respect the intelligence of the adaptive child. | 我们总是尊重适应性孩子的智力。 |
| 838 | You did what you had to do. | 你做了你必须做的。 |
| 839 | Good for you. | 对你有好处 |
| 840 | It's time to retire. | 是时候退休了 |
| 841 | You're not that little girl. | 你不是那个小女孩。 |
| 842 | Chris is not the family you grew up with. | 克里斯不是你们一起长大的 |
| 843 | You can do something. | 你可以做点什么。 |
| 844 | Can I tell you a story? | 我可以告诉你一个故事吗? |
| 845 | Yeah, please. | 是的,请。 |
| 846 | This is my classic adaptive child story. | 这是我经典的适应性孩子的故事。 |
| 847 | It's absolutely true story. | 这是绝对真实的故事。 |
| 848 | Couple comes to me on the brink of divorce. | 夫妇在离婚的边缘来到我身边。 |
| 849 | He's a liar, lies about everything. | 他是个骗子,对一切撒谎 |
| 850 | She says to him, | 她对他说, |
| 851 | if you ask him what color shoes he has on, | 如果你问他穿什么颜色的鞋子, |
| 852 | he'll lie and say he has sneakers. | 他会撒谎 说他有运动鞋 |
| 853 | I mean, he'll lie. | 我的意思是,他会说谎。 |
| 854 | And therapists will... | 治疗师会... |
| 855 | I walk in the office and I go, | 我走在办公室,我走了, |
| 856 | I bill the sky's blue. | 我给天空的蓝色。 |
| 857 | He goes, well, it's not gonna tell me it's blue. | 他去,嗯, 它不会告诉我它是蓝色的。 |
| 858 | Won't give it to me. | 不给. |
| 859 | So I get right away what his deal is, | 所以我马上得到他的交易, |
| 860 | the adaptive child. | 适应性孩子。 |
| 861 | He's an evader. | 他是一个逃避者。 |
| 862 | Nobody's gonna get him. | 没有人会得到他。 |
| 863 | All right. | 好吧,我们走。 |
| 864 | Then I think, | 然后我觉得, |
| 865 | okay, the adaptive child is adapting to someone, | 好吧,适应性孩子正在适应某人, |
| 866 | to someone on the other end of that seesaw. | 给那个锯子的另一端的人 |
| 867 | So who tried to control you growing up? | 谁想控制你长大? |
| 868 | His father, true story. | 他的父亲,真实的故事。 |
| 869 | Military man, how he sat, how he ate, his friend. | 军人,他怎么坐,怎么吃,他的朋友。 |
| 870 | What did you do with his controlling father? | 你对控制他的父亲做了什么? |
| 871 | He looks at me and he smiles. | 他看着我,他微笑。 |
| 872 | That's resistance, that's why. | 这就是反抗的原因 |
| 873 | He says, I lied. | 他说,我撒谎。 |
| 874 | Dad said, don't play with Henry. | 爸爸说,不要和亨利玩。 |
| 875 | I played with Henry. | 我和亨利玩过 |
| 876 | I told him I played with John. | 我告诉他我和约翰玩过 |
| 877 | Smart boy. | 聪明的孩子。 |
| 878 | Good for you. | 对你有好处 |
| 879 | Always respect the strategy that you learned as a kid, | 永远尊重你小时候学到的策略 |
| 880 | but retire them. | 但让他们退休。 |
| 881 | You're in the backseat. | 尔时后座. |
| 882 | Wise adult is here today. | 聪明的成年人今天来了 |
| 883 | I can take care of this better than you can. | 我比你更能处理 |
| 884 | Literally, when Belinda and I are having a fight, | 从字面上讲,当贝琳达和我吵架时, |
| 885 | honest to God, and she's coming at me with anger | 诚实的上帝,而她却愤怒地冲着我 |
| 886 | because that's what we do, it could be me. | 因为这就是我们要做的, 它可能是我。 |
| 887 | I have little Terry. | 我有一个小泰瑞。 |
| 888 | I've worked with him at eight-year-old. | 我和他共事过八岁 |
| 889 | I put him behind me. | 我把他抛在身后 |
| 890 | Between her anger and you, little Terry, is me. | 她和你之间的愤怒,小泰瑞,就是我。 |
| 891 | My big adult, we have a deal. | 大人,我们说好的 |
| 892 | You're protected back there. | 你被保护在那里。 |
| 893 | Her rage stops with me. | 她的愤怒与我同在。 |
| 894 | Doesn't hit you. | 没打到你 |
| 895 | Here's your part of the deal. | 这是你的部分交易。 |
| 896 | I deal with my wife, not you. | 我处理我的妻子,不是你。 |
| 897 | You'll make a mess of it. | 你会弄得一团糟的 |
| 898 | So, okay, so here's my liar. | 好吧,这是我的骗子。 |
| 899 | So, smart boy. | 所以,聪明的男孩。 |
| 900 | By the way, you're not five anymore, | 对了,你不再是五个人了 |
| 901 | and your wife isn't your dad. | 而你的妻子不是你爸爸。 |
| 902 | See ya. | 再见 |
| 903 | True story. | 真实的故事。 |
| 904 | Two weeks later, they come back. | 两周后,他们又回来了。 |
| 905 | Hand in hand, we're cured. | 手牵手,我们治愈。 |
| 906 | And they were, Mel. | 他们是,梅尔。 |
| 907 | I said, okay, there's a story you're telling me. | 我说,好吧,有一个故事 你告诉我。 |
| 908 | Over the weekend, she sends him to the grocery store | 周末她送他去杂货店 |
| 909 | to get 12 things. | 得到12个东西。 |
| 910 | True to form, he comes back with 11. | 真正的形式,他回来11。 |
| 911 | 他说,哪里是 pupernickel? | |
| 912 | And he's gonna lie. | 他会说谎的 |
| 913 | Of course he's gonna lie. | 他当然会撒谎 |
| 914 | He doesn't wanna get chewed out by his father. | 他不想被他父亲吞噬 |
| 915 | And he said, every muscle and nerve in my body | 他说,我体内的每一个肌肉和神经 |
| 916 | was screaming to say they were out of the pumpernickel, | 尖叫着说,他们出手了 |
| 917 | which was not true. | 这不是真的。 |
| 918 | This moment, I took a breath. | 这一刻,我喘了口气。 |
| 919 | I thought of you, Terry. | 我想着你了 泰瑞 |
| 920 | I was lending him my prefrontal cortex. | 我借给他我的前额皮层 |
| 921 | We can do that for each other. | 我们可以为对方做。 |
| 922 | I thought of you, I looked my wife in the eye, | 我想着你,我看着我的妻子的眼睛, |
| 923 | and I said, I forgot the goddamn pumpernickel. | 我说,我忘了那个该死的小鸡鸡 |
| 924 | It's absolutely true, Mel. | 这绝对是真的,梅尔。 |
| 925 | She burst into tears. | 她突然流泪了 |
| 926 | And she said, I've been waiting for this moment | 她说,我一直在等这一刻 |
| 927 | for 25 years. | 25年来 |
| 928 | That's recovery. | 这就是康复。 |
| 929 | Come out of that adaptive child, | 走出适应性的孩子, |
| 930 | into the prefrontal cortex, | 进入前额皮层, |
| 931 | tell the truth, use a skill. | 说实话,用点技巧 |
| 932 | Wow, I can see how this relates to | 哇,我看得出来这跟 |
| 933 | that something you said in the very beginning, | 你一开始说的话 |
| 934 | where when you fall in love with somebody, | 当你爱上某人时 |
| 935 | you think you're going to be rescued | 你以为你会被救出来吗? |
| 936 | from the behavior in yourself | 从你的行为 |
| 937 | that you feel stuck with, | 让你觉得被困住了 |
| 938 | the rage or the shutting down | 愤怒或关闭 |
| 939 | or the lying or the walking on eggshells. | 或说谎,或以卵壳行走。 |
| 940 | Yeah, whatever you learned to do as a kid. | 是的,不管你小时候学会做什么 |
| 941 | Whatever you learned to do as a kid. | 无论你小时候学会做什么 |
| 942 | Whatever you needed to do as a kid. | 你小时候需要做什么都行 |
| 943 | Yeah, and so I can see how in the absolute bliss | 是啊,所以我可以看到如何 在绝对的幸福 |
| 944 | of a new relationship, | 新的关系, |
| 945 | and you're just falling, falling, falling, | 你只是跌倒 跌倒 跌倒 |
| 946 | you believe that it's always gonna be like this. | 你相信永远是这样的 |
| 947 | And sure enough, | 当然 |
| 948 | what comes up is the opportunity | 机会来了 |
| 949 | to do the work, to become the wise adult, | 做工作, 成为聪明的成年人, |
| 950 | and not have the adaptive child | 没有适应性的孩子 |
| 951 | and all of the default behaviors | 和所有默认行为 |
| 952 | that happen when you get flooded emotionally | 当你情绪被淹没时 |
| 953 | or when you get triggered. | 或者当你被触发。 |
| 954 | And when you really think about the person | 当你真正想的人 |
| 955 | as it's their adaptive child in the room | 因为这是他们在房间里的适应性孩子 |
| 956 | with your adaptive child | 与你的适应性孩子 |
| 957 | when you guys are emotionally flooded. | 当你们情绪上被淹没时 |
| 958 | You got it. | 没问题 |
| 959 | And any single thing, | 和任何一件事, |
| 960 | whether it's I forgot the fucking pumpernickel bread | 不管我是不是忘了他妈的小面包 |
| 961 | or it's the, and now she's gonna be a bitch, | 或者就是那个 现在她要变成婊子了 |
| 962 | so I'm gonna lie, which is what I did as a kid, | 所以我要撒谎,这是我小时候做过的事, |
| 963 | or it's the tiptoe walking or the raging | 要么是脚趾走路 要么是怒吼 |
| 964 | or the venting or the being right or whatever, | 或通风或正确, |
| 965 | like every single one of those things, | 就像每一件事, |
| 966 | whether it's triggered by Amazon boxes | 是否由亚马逊盒子触发 |
| 967 | or it's triggered by pumpernickel | 或者是被皮扣扣触发的 |
| 968 | or it's triggered by their drinking | 或者是他们喝酒引发的 |
| 969 | or it's triggered by absolutely anything. | 或者是绝对由任何东西触发的 |
| 970 | Anything. | 任何东西。 |
| 971 | It's the same cycle, it's the same wound, | 同一循环,同一伤口, |
| 972 | it's the same emotions, | 同样的情绪, |
| 973 | and you're gonna be trapped there forever. | 你会永远被困在那里。 |
| 974 | Here's where your work is genius. | 在这里,你的工作是天才。 |
| 975 | What we do when we're back in the old wound | 我们回到旧伤口后怎么办? |
| 976 | is we redouble our efforts to get that son of a gun | 我们是不是要加倍努力 抓住那个混蛋 |
| 977 | to give us what they were supposed to give us. | 给我们他们应该给我们的东西。 |
| 978 | That's why we married them. | 所以我们才娶了他们 |
| 979 | Or we react out of that adaptation | 或者我们从适应中反应出来 |
| 980 | when they don't give it to us. | 当他们不给我们的时候。 |
| 981 | We fight, we fight, we do whatever we do. | 我们战斗,我们战斗,我们做任何事情。 |
| 982 | Here's the new news. | 这是新消息 |
| 983 | Take a breath. | 喘一口气吧 来 |
| 984 | They ain't gonna give it to you. | 他们不会给你的 |
| 985 | Watch this. | 看看这个 |
| 986 | How about if you give it to you? | 如果你给你呢? |
| 987 | You were abandoned as a kid. | 你小时候被抛弃了 |
| 988 | You come home, dead flowers, abandonment comes up. | 你回家,死花儿, 抛弃出现。 |
| 989 | Not 50-year-old Mel or four-year-old Mel. | 不是50岁的梅尔 或者4岁的梅尔 |
| 990 | You turn to that four-year-old girl. | 你转向那个四岁的女孩。 |
| 991 | Chris may be abandoning you right now, | 克里斯现在可能要抛弃你了 |
| 992 | but I'm not. | 但我没有。 |
| 993 | I'm here. | 我在这里。 |
| 994 | I got you, kid. | 我扶着你,孩子。 |
| 995 | I like to say maturity comes when we deal | 我喜欢说,成熟的时候,我们交易 |
| 996 | with our inner children | 和我们的内在孩子 |
| 997 | and don't foist them off on our partners to deal with. | 别把他们逼到我们的搭档身上去 |
| 998 | Oh, I love that. | 哦,我喜欢这个。 |
| 999 | Maturity comes when we deal with that inner child, | 当我们处理那个内在孩子的时候 成熟就来了 |
| 1000 | that adaptive self that needed to do whatever it does, | 适应的自我需要做任何事情, |
| 1001 | whether it's the anger, whether it's the righteousness, | 不管是愤怒还是正义 |
| 1002 | whether it's shutting down, whatever it is, | 无论它关闭, 不管它是什么, |
| 1003 | when we deal with that person. | 当我们处理这个人。 |
| 1004 | Love you, kid. | 爱你,孩子。 |
| 1005 | When the inner child, | 当内心的孩子, |
| 1006 | which means you're just, when you're reactive. | 这意味着你只是, 当你的反应。 |
| 1007 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 1008 | So talk about emotional flooding | 说说感情上的洪水吧 |
| 1009 | and emotional over-functioning. | 和情绪过度运转。 |
| 1010 | Is that the same thing as the adaptive child? | 这跟适应性孩子一样吗? |
| 1011 | Well, yeah, first you get flooded. | 嗯,是的,首先你被淹没。 |
| 1012 | That's the wounded child. | 这是受伤的孩子。 |
| 1013 | Okay. | 摆 |
| 1014 | And then you get yourself out of that flooding | 然后你从洪水中解脱出来 |
| 1015 | by moving into your adaptive child. | 进入你的适应性孩子。 |
| 1016 | Gotcha. | 抓到他们了 |
| 1017 | So like, let's just take it as fact. | 所以,让我们只是把它当作事实。 |
| 1018 | Well, you walk in and the flowers are dead. | 好吧,你走进来 和花死了。 |
| 1019 | Yes. | 对 |
| 1020 | There's a little Mel that was not taken care of. | 有一个小梅尔没有被照顾。 |
| 1021 | And that's what gets triggered. | 由此引发. |
| 1022 | And you're not your adult self feeling let down | 而且你也不是成年人的自我感觉 |
| 1023 | in a moderate way. | 以温和的方式。 |
| 1024 | You're that four or five year old little girl | 你是那个四五岁的小女孩 |
| 1025 | who was never dealt with the way she should have been. | 她从来没有被对待过 她本该如此。 |
| 1026 | And it's, you're flooded, | 你被淹没了 |
| 1027 | but you don't like that feeling of helpless. | 但你不喜欢那种无助的感觉 |
| 1028 | So you move from helplessness to attack, | 所以你从无助转向攻击 |
| 1029 | from one down to one up. | 从一个下到一个上。 |
| 1030 | These are the roots of violence for all of us. | 这些是我们所有人暴力的根源。 |
| 1031 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 1032 | And the one up feels better. | 升起来的更好 |
| 1033 | It gets you out of that helplessness, | 它让你摆脱了无助 |
| 1034 | but it makes a mess of your marriage. | 但这让你的婚姻一团糟 |
| 1035 | So you have to think your way down from the one up. | 所以,你必须思考 你的方式从一个上。 |
| 1036 | Well, recognizing that you're just emotionally flooded | 好吧,承认你只是 情绪淹没 |
| 1037 | is important. | 这一点很重要。 |
| 1038 | Recognizing that you're now in react, react, react mode, | 确认你现在处于反应,反应,反应模式, |
| 1039 | which is why taking that breath | 这就是为什么呼吸 |
| 1040 | and consciously pulling yourself back into the wise adult. | 并自觉地把自己拉回 聪明的成年人。 |
| 1041 | Yes. | 对 |
| 1042 | Which may mean, did you take a 20 minute walk | 也就是说 你走了20分钟 |
| 1043 | around the block? | 在街区周围? |
| 1044 | You have a contract with your partner. | 你和你搭档有合同 |
| 1045 | Look, hey, I'm flooded. | 听着,我被淹了 |
| 1046 | See you in 20 minutes. | 20分钟后见 |
| 1047 | And man, your partner says it, let them go. | 伙计,你的搭档说,让他们走 |
| 1048 | Don't corner an animal. | 别拐角动物。 |
| 1049 | Okay, bye Anne. | 好吧,再见安妮。 |
| 1050 | Don't corner an animal. | 别拐角动物。 |
| 1051 | No, you don't want to do that. | 不,你不想这样做。 |
| 1052 | That's incredible. | 不可思议. |
| 1053 | Why does emotional over-functioning and shutting down, | 为什么情绪过度运转和关闭, |
| 1054 | why do these patterns tend to attract people | 为什么这些模式往往吸引人们 |
| 1055 | into a partnership? | 成为合伙人? |
| 1056 | Cause it's your unfinished business. | 因为这是你未完成的工作。 |
| 1057 | So may I? | 我可以吗? |
| 1058 | Yes, please. | 是的,谢谢。 |
| 1059 | All right, here we go Mel, ready? | 好了,我们走了梅尔,准备好了吗? |
| 1060 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 1061 | All right, so fighter Mel, your adapter child | 好,拳手梅尔,你的适配子 |
| 1062 | is what I would call one up and boundaryless. | 我称之为无边无际。 |
| 1063 | You're one up, you're grandiose. | 你是一个人,你是宏伟的。 |
| 1064 | Yep. | 对 |
| 1065 | You're attacking your righteous. | 你在攻击你的正义 |
| 1066 | Yep. | 对 |
| 1067 | He's a dick. | 他是个混蛋 |
| 1068 | Yes, 100%. | 对,百分之百 |
| 1069 | But underneath that are the feelings of abandonment, | 但下面是被抛弃的感觉 |
| 1070 | aloneness, which is your childhood wound. | 孤独,那是你童年的伤口 |
| 1071 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 1072 | 我的朋友和同事 Gabbo Romante说 | |
| 1073 | in relationships, you don't see the wound, | 在恋爱中,你看不到伤口, |
| 1074 | you see the scar. | 你看到伤疤了 |
| 1075 | Oh. | 瓳 |
| 1076 | You don't see the wounded child, | 你没看到受伤的孩子 |
| 1077 | you see the adaptive child. | 你看到适应性的孩子。 |
| 1078 | So you come home, dead flowers. | 所以,你回来,死花。 |
| 1079 | Little girl Mel, not cared about the way | 小姑娘梅尔,不在乎路 |
| 1080 | she should have been, woof. | 她应该的,呜呼。 |
| 1081 | And if you were to sit with her, she'd be crying. | 如果你和她坐在一起 她会哭的 |
| 1082 | She'd be lonely. | 她会寂寞的。 |
| 1083 | But you don't, cause that's painful. | 但你没有,因为那是痛苦的。 |
| 1084 | So you go one up into grandiosity, | 所以,你升到一个大公, |
| 1085 | self-righteousness, attack. | 自我端正,攻击. |
| 1086 | Now you're powerful, | 现在你很强大 |
| 1087 | but you're making a goddamn mess of things. | 但你却把事情搞得一团糟 |
| 1088 | Take a break. | 休一觉. |
| 1089 | And then you feel bad about it, | 然后你觉得很糟, |
| 1090 | cause you don't want to make a mess of things. | 因为你不想把事情搞砸 |
| 1091 | Well, you feel bad. | 好吧,你觉得不好。 |
| 1092 | You don't want, well, at least I do. | 你不希望,嗯,至少我这样做。 |
| 1093 | You feel bad about it five minutes later. | 五分钟后你感觉很糟 |
| 1094 | Yes. | 对 |
| 1095 | You have a hangover. | 你有一个宿醉。 |
| 1096 | Yes. | 对 |
| 1097 | But in the moment, he deserves it. | 但此时此刻,他理应如此. |
| 1098 | You're right, let's go. | 你说得对,我们走吧。 |
| 1099 | And that's what this is all about. | 而此之所为也. |
| 1100 | Then you take a break. | 那你就歇会儿吧 |
| 1101 | Hold it. | 拿着 |
| 1102 | I'm about to lose my shit. | 我快要输了 |
| 1103 | See ya. | 再见 |
| 1104 | Or hold it. | 或执持. |
| 1105 | I'm going to shut down. | 我要关闭。 |
| 1106 | Let me get myself adjusted | 让我自己调整一下 |
| 1107 | and I'm going to come back and talk to you. | 我会回来跟你谈谈 |
| 1108 | Whatever the adaptation is, | 无论是什么适应, |
| 1109 | you got to sit with that little part of you. | 你得和你的小部分坐在一起 |
| 1110 | It's okay. | 没关系。 |
| 1111 | He loves you. | 他爱你。 |
| 1112 | He's an idiot about the dead flowers, | 他是一个白痴 关于死花, |
| 1113 | but he does love you. | 但他确实爱你。 |
| 1114 | Come back. | 回来 |
| 1115 | Don't dream him a new one. | 别给他做个新梦 |
| 1116 | That's not going to work. | 这行不通。 |
| 1117 | Come back and talk to him about what's going on. | 复来与他讲经. |
| 1118 | But you have to be in your right mind | 但你必须正经点 |
| 1119 | and that's the opportunity. | 这就是机会 |
| 1120 | The healing doesn't come when you get the son of a gun | 你找到枪之子后 伤口不会愈合 |
| 1121 | to give it to you. | 把它给你。 |
| 1122 | That's the dream. | 这就是梦想。 |
| 1123 | The healing comes when they don't | 他们不治就愈合 |
| 1124 | and you deal with it. | 你处理它。 |
| 1125 | Not the way you learned as a kid, | 不像你小时候学到的 |
| 1126 | but in a new way. | 但以一种新的方式。 |
| 1127 | That heals. | 这能治愈。 |
| 1128 | Okay, that is the most important thing, | 好吧,这是最重要的事情, |
| 1129 | in my opinion, | 在我看来, |
| 1130 | that you have said, | 你说, |
| 1131 | because you are now pointing at | 因为你现在指着 |
| 1132 | the source of power and healing | 权力的来源和治愈 |
| 1133 | and one of the mistakes is that we are trying to get that | 其中一个错误是,我们试图得到 |
| 1134 | from our partner and through our partner changing. | 从我们的伙伴 通过我们的伙伴改变。 |
| 1135 | And what you just said is that the healing comes | 你刚才说的是 治愈的到来 |
| 1136 | not from them changing. | 不从他们改变。 |
| 1137 | The healing that you need comes from you | 你需要的治疗来自你 |
| 1138 | stopping yourself in that moment, | 在那一刻停下来 |
| 1139 | taking a breath, | 喘口气, |
| 1140 | not allowing all of the patterns of the past | 不允许过去的所有模式 |
| 1141 | and the adaptive child to come in | 和有适应能力的孩子进来 |
| 1142 | and fix or freeze or rage. | 并固定或冻结或愤怒。 |
| 1143 | And make a mess. | 且作乱. |
| 1144 | And make a mess, | 弄得一团糟 |
| 1145 | but to just see it happening | 但只是为了看到它发生 |
| 1146 | and then bring the wise adult to the room | 然后把聪明的成年人带到房间 |
| 1147 | and respond in a new way. | 并以新的方式回应。 |
| 1148 | That is the healing. | 这就是治愈。 |
| 1149 | That's the healing. | 这就是治愈。 |
| 1150 | That's the opportunity. | 这就是机会 |
| 1151 | For somebody who tends to hold everything in, | 对于一个总是把一切都牵扯进来的人来说, |
| 1152 | the baller, | 球员, |
| 1153 | you see the thing that hurts your feelings. | 你看到了伤害你感情的东西 |
| 1154 | You feel the emotion that is worry or hurt or abandonment | 你感觉到的情绪 是担心或伤害或抛弃 |
| 1155 | or the thing that you said always take the first feeling, | 或者你说的总是有第一种感觉 |
| 1156 | anger, resentment, | 愤怒,怨恨, |
| 1157 | put it in the back. | 把它放在后面。 把它放在后面。 |
| 1158 | What's the feeling underneath it? | 里面有什么感觉? |
| 1159 | For somebody that's like bottling it up, | 对于像装瓶它的人, |
| 1160 | bottling it up, bottling it up. | 装瓶,装瓶. |
| 1161 | They're feeling fear. | 他们感到恐惧。 |
| 1162 | What are they afraid of? | 他们怕什么? |
| 1163 | They're afraid that if they tell the truth | 他们害怕说出真相 |
| 1164 | and lock the bolt, it ain't gonna go well. | 锁上螺栓,不会顺利的 |
| 1165 | And as far as they grew up in a family | 只要他们在一个家庭里长大 |
| 1166 | where it wouldn't have gone well. | 本来不会好起来的 |
| 1167 | The adaptive child is not stupid. | 适应性孩子不傻 |
| 1168 | You learn to do what you goddamn needed to do back then, | 你学着做你该做的事 |
| 1169 | but you're not back there anymore. | 但你已经不在那儿了 |
| 1170 | That's the beauty. | 这就是美。 |
| 1171 | How do you learn to communicate your feelings | 你怎么学会表达你的感受 |
| 1172 | in these little moments instead of just putting it aside | 而不是把它放在一边 |
| 1173 | until you reach a breaking point? | 直到你到达突破点? |
| 1174 | Well, you have to dare to rock the boat. | 好吧,你必须敢摇船。 |
| 1175 | This goes back to the three steps. | 此回向三阶. |
| 1176 | Dare to rock the boat and tell the truth, | 敢摇船,说实话, |
| 1177 | listen and then teach somebody what you want | 听着,然后教别人你想要的 |
| 1178 | and reward them in a kind way when they do. | 你当以善报他们。 |
| 1179 | And for those of you listening, | 你们中的倾听者, |
| 1180 | it may be that your childhood trauma, | 也许是你的童年创伤 |
| 1181 | you know, we said you can have little injuries | 你知道,我们说 你可以有小伤 |
| 1182 | and have been adaptive child | 曾经是适应性强的孩子 |
| 1183 | that's growing things up that's true. | 正在成长,这是真的。 |
| 1184 | But you can also have big injuries, big. | 但你也有大伤,大伤。 |
| 1185 | You can have grown up in a family | 你可以在家庭中长大 |
| 1186 | where you learn not to tell the truth | 在那里你学会了不说真话 |
| 1187 | because if you did tell the truth, | 因为如果你说实话 |
| 1188 | it would not be a good idea. | 这不是一个好主意。 |
| 1189 | Okay, that was then, this is now. | 好吧,那是当时,这是现在。 |
| 1190 | It really helps to separate the wise adult | 这真的有助于分离 聪明的成年人 |
| 1191 | from the adaptive child. | 从适应性孩子。 |
| 1192 | What does a healthy connected relationship | 健康的关系是什么 |
| 1193 | really look like in practice? | 真的看起来像在练习? |
| 1194 | Telling the truth to each other with love | 以爱向对方说真话 |
| 1195 | and being human, you know, there are times | 和作为人类,你知道, 有的时候 |
| 1196 | Belinda and I are at each other | 贝琳达和我相遇 |
| 1197 | and I really wouldn't want a video camera | 我真的不想要一个摄像机 |
| 1198 | recording what we sound like. | 记录我们的声音 |
| 1199 | I like to say to my clients, | 我想对客户说, |
| 1200 | look, the skills I'm teaching, here's what I say, | 你看,我教的技能,我这样说, |
| 1201 | every skill I, I've been married for 40 years, | 我结婚40年了 |
| 1202 | every skill I teach has been clinically tested. | 我教的每一门技能都经过临床测试 |
| 1203 | She's the clinic. | 她是诊所的 |
| 1204 | Oh my God. | 天呐 |
| 1205 | And on those days when either Belinda or I, | 而那些日子,无论是贝林达还是我, |
| 1206 | or God help us if we both at the same time, | 或者上帝帮助我们,如果我们俩同时, |
| 1207 | lose our wise adults and just go with the adaptive child, | 失去我们的聪明的成年人 和适应性的孩子, |
| 1208 | we look just as ugly as you two. | 我们看起来和你们两个一样丑 |
| 1209 | I say that to my face, they love hearing that. | 我当面说,他们喜欢听。 |
| 1210 | I'm just like you. | 我和你一样 |
| 1211 | Use your skills as best you can. | 尽其技艺. |
| 1212 | Expect the wheels to come off sometimes. | 希望有时轮子会掉下来 |
| 1213 | Nobody's gonna die. | 没有人会死。 |
| 1214 | When they do, get back in your wise adult, | 当他们这样做, 回到你的聪明成年人, |
| 1215 | make amends, apologize, own your shit, get back on track. | 补偿,道歉, 拥有你的狗屎, 回到轨道上。 |
| 1216 | We're a biosphere. | 我们是生物圈 |
| 1217 | We love each other. | 我们彼此相爱 |
| 1218 | Let's work this out. | 让我们解决这个问题。 |
| 1219 | I can say every single fight issue breakdown | 我可以说每场比赛都失败了 |
| 1220 | that I have had in my 29 years of marriage, | 我结婚29年了 |
| 1221 | I can now 1,000% see that it's this feeling | 现在,我可以看到 1000 % 是这种感觉 |
| 1222 | of being alone and that it's all on me. | 独自一人 这一切由我负责 |
| 1223 | And it is like freaking clockwork. | 这就像疯狂的时钟工作。 |
| 1224 | Once you see it, you will see it everywhere. | 一旦看到它,你就会看到它无处不在。 |
| 1225 | Everywhere. | 到处都是 |
| 1226 | And you know what? | 你知道吗? |
| 1227 | What a blessing. | 何等为福. |
| 1228 | Maybe after this conversation, | 也许这次谈话之后 |
| 1229 | I want you to email me or tell me, | 我要你给我发邮件或告诉我 |
| 1230 | what a blessing it would be for you to come home, | 你回家会多好 |
| 1231 | the goddamn flowers are dead. | 该死的花都死了 |
| 1232 | And instead of ripping his head off, | 而不是把他的头撕下来, |
| 1233 | which he then shuts you down, | 他使你们绝迹, |
| 1234 | you say to him, you know what, honey, shoot me. | 你跟他说,你知道的,亲爱的,杀了我。 |
| 1235 | I know you didn't mean it. | 我知道你不是这个意思 |
| 1236 | I saw those dead flowers. | 我看见那些死花 |
| 1237 | I'm backing my little girl not being cared about. | 我支持我的小女孩,没人照顾。 |
| 1238 | And it made me sad. | 这让我伤心。 |
| 1239 | You see what he does then. | 你看他现在做什么 |
| 1240 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 1241 | Well, I can also not get mad at him. | 我也不能对他生气 |
| 1242 | And I can also assume good intent. | 我也可以假设是好意 |
| 1243 | And I can also know that a lot of times he does remember. | 我也可以知道,很多时候他确实记得。 |
| 1244 | And this is like something we thought about 10 years ago, | 就像十年前我们想的那样 |
| 1245 | so it sounds kind of funny to even be thinking about it now | 所以现在考虑起来 听起来很有趣 |
| 1246 | because it's one of the ones. | 因为它是其中之一。 |
| 1247 | But the point is the little things become the big things | 但重点是小事变成大事 |
| 1248 | because the little things are the source of bringing out. | 因为小东西是引出。 |
| 1249 | The little things resonate with what happened to us. | 小事和我们发生的事有共鸣 |
| 1250 | So they take on bigger meaning. | 所以它们具有更大的意义。 |
| 1251 | But what you say is right. | 但你说的话是对的 |
| 1252 | I love talking to older couples. | 我喜欢和老夫妇说话 |
| 1253 | And I asked them about their life. | 我问他们的生活。 |
| 1254 | I saw it had to be late, a very 50. | 我看到它必须很晚, 一个非常50。 |
| 1255 | I said, you guys seem happy. | 我说了 你们看起来很开心 |
| 1256 | We are. | 我们是。 |
| 1257 | Tell me. | 告诉我 |
| 1258 | Oh, the first 15 years were hell. | 前15年是地狱 |
| 1259 | Really? | 真的吗? |
| 1260 | Yeah, horrible. | 对,太可怕了 |
| 1261 | I kept trying to change Harry. | 我一直试图改变哈利。 |
| 1262 | And then one day, it was absolutely true. | 然后有一天,这是绝对真实的。 |
| 1263 | I'm out of the car. | 我下车了 |
| 1264 | And then one day I looked at him and I went, | 然后有一天,我看着他,我去了, |
| 1265 | oh, that's Harry. | 哦,这是哈利。 |
| 1266 | Okay. | 摆 |
| 1267 | Ever since then, we've been fine. | 从此无事. |
| 1268 | There is a place for, I call it scanning for the positive | 有一个地方,我称之为扫描 阳性 |
| 1269 | instead of scanning for the negative. | 而不是扫描阴性。 |
| 1270 | Be appreciative. | 谢谢 |
| 1271 | Tell your partner what they're doing right | 告诉你的搭档他们做的对 |
| 1272 | instead of always harping on what they're doing wrong. | 而不是老是抱怨他们做错了什么 |
| 1273 | So there are so many listener questions that we have. | 因此,我们有许多听众的问题。 |
| 1274 | And I'd love to read one from a listener in Chicago. | 我想从芝加哥的听众那里读一个 |
| 1275 | We've been together for 12 years. | 我们在一起12年了 |
| 1276 | We love each other. | 我们彼此相爱 |
| 1277 | There's no doubt about that. | 无疑. |
| 1278 | But if I'm being honest, | 但如果我说实话 |
| 1279 | it feels like the spark is gone. | 感觉火花不见了 |
| 1280 | Same routine, same conversation, same habits, same everything. | 同样的例行公事 相同的谈话 相同的习惯 相同的一切 |
| 1281 | There's no fighting, there's no big drama, | 没有战斗,没有大戏剧 |
| 1282 | but there's no real excitement or passion either. | 但没有真正的兴奋和激情。 |
| 1283 | I don't even know what desire would look like | 我都不知道欲望会是什么样子 |
| 1284 | for us anymore. | 为了我们 |
| 1285 | It feels flat. | 感觉很平坦 |
| 1286 | And here's the part I'm struggling with. | 这就是我在挣扎的部分。 |
| 1287 | I want to bring that spark back, | 我想把火花拿回来 |
| 1288 | but I don't want it to be forced or fake. | 但我不希望它被强迫或伪造。 |
| 1289 | How do we actually reconnect with desire and intimacy | 我们怎样才能与欲望和亲密联系 |
| 1290 | after years together without pretending | 在一起多年,没有假装 |
| 1291 | or going through the emotions? | 还是通过情绪? |
| 1292 | What makes you think they would be fake? | 你凭什么认为它们是假的? |
| 1293 | Why don't you start off by saying to your partner | 不如你先跟你搭档说 |
| 1294 | what you just wrote to me? | 你刚刚给我写了什么? |
| 1295 | Why don't you tell the truth? | 你为什么不说实话? |
| 1296 | Look, I did a whole book, audio book, | 你看,我做了一整本书, 音频书, |
| 1297 | I called it Fierce Intimacy. | 我称之为"亲密" |
| 1298 | Lean in and deal with each other. | 精进相治. |
| 1299 | Most people don't, we stop. | 大多数人不这样做,我们停止。 |
| 1300 | Because when we do, we're so unskilled, | 因为当我们这样做,我们是如此无技能, |
| 1301 | it doesn't go very well. | 情况不妙 |
| 1302 | So we back off, we say we're compromising, | 所以我们退后,我们说我们正在妥协, |
| 1303 | but we're not. | 但我们不是。 |
| 1304 | We resent it. | 我们恨它。 |
| 1305 | Distance grows, sexuality dies. | 距离越长,性欲就越强 |
| 1306 | If you want to keep your relationship juicy, | 如果你想保持你的关系多汁, |
| 1307 | tell the truth to each other. | 互相说出真相 |
| 1308 | Take each other on. | 互举. |
| 1309 | Start with this. | 从这个开始。 |
| 1310 | We're flat. | 我们很平坦 |
| 1311 | Maybe you're okay being, you know, | 也许你没事,你知道, |
| 1312 | watching TV every night, but I'm not. | 每天晚上都看电视 但我不是 |
| 1313 | Let's go do both of them. | 让我们去做他们两个。 |
| 1314 | And then like, okay, you're flat. | 然后,像,好吧,你很平坦。 |
| 1315 | What are you gonna do about it? | 你打算怎么办? |
| 1316 | You show up with a mariachi band. | 你和马利亚奇乐队一起出现 |
| 1317 | You, you know, you go to the sex store | 你,你知道,你去色情店 |
| 1318 | and get some velvet chains. | 弄些丝绒链 |
| 1319 | I don't know. | 师曰. |
| 1320 | What are you gonna do to mix it up? | 你打算怎么做来搅拌它? |
| 1321 | Why are you waiting for your partner to do it? | 为什么要等搭档来? |
| 1322 | But tell the truth to each other. | 但各说真言. |
| 1323 | We stop doing that because we're very unskilled | 我们停止这样做,因为我们是非常不熟练的 |
| 1324 | and when we do, it doesn't go well. | 而当我们这样做, 它不顺利。 |
| 1325 | We have to learn how to do it. | 我们必须学会怎么做。 |
| 1326 | Here's another question. | 还有个问题 |
| 1327 | I've been married for 11 years | 我结婚11年了 |
| 1328 | and I'm realizing I've become the critic | 我意识到我已经成了评论家 |
| 1329 | in the relationship. | 在关系。 |
| 1330 | I notice everything my husband does wrong. | 我注意到我丈夫做错的一切 |
| 1331 | The socks on the floor, the way he loads the dishwasher, | 地板上的袜子,他装洗碗机的方式, |
| 1332 | the tone when he talks to the kids. | 他和孩子们说话时的语气 |
| 1333 | It's like I'm constantly scanning | 好像我一直在扫描 |
| 1334 | for what's off or annoying. | 因为什么是关闭或烦人。 |
| 1335 | And here's the thing, I don't wanna be that way. | 问题是 我不想那样 |
| 1336 | He's a good man. | 他是个好人 |
| 1337 | I love him, but I rarely notice the good stuff | 我爱他,但我很少注意到好东西 |
| 1338 | until he points it out. | 直到他指出来为止 |
| 1339 | Like, why is it that you only mention | 喜欢,为什么它是你只提到 |
| 1340 | what I'm doing wrong? | 我做错了什么? |
| 1341 | And he's right. | 他说得对 |
| 1342 | I don't wanna keep showing up this way. | 我不想继续这样出现 |
| 1343 | I just don't know how to switch out of this mindset. | 我只是不知道如何摆脱这种心态。 |
| 1344 | How do I stop scanning for what's wrong | 我该如何停止扫描什么是错的 |
| 1345 | and start seeing what's good again? | 并开始看到什么是好的? |
| 1346 | What's going on in this dynamic? | 这个动态到底是怎么回事? |
| 1347 | Because I think that's really relatable | 因为我觉得这真的可以重塑 |
| 1348 | when you got somebody picking on somebody all the time. | 你总是有人挑逗别人 |
| 1349 | Yeah, it's a form of control. | 是啊,这是一种控制形式。 |
| 1350 | I would say, who is the complainer | 我会说,谁是抱怨者 |
| 1351 | in your family growing up, hon? | 在你家里长大,亲爱的? |
| 1352 | Where'd you learn this from? | 你从哪里学来的? |
| 1353 | There's an adaptive child in there | 里面有个适应的孩子 |
| 1354 | that thinks that picking at him is gonna be a good thing. | 认为对他挑剔是件好事 |
| 1355 | And then the other issue is, | 然后另一个问题是, |
| 1356 | the other issue is, the other issue is, | 另一个问题是, |
| 1357 | Man, intimacy is scary. | 男人,亲密是可怕的。 |
| 1358 | Vulnerability is scary. | 脆弱性是可怕的。 |
| 1359 | Does it feel safer to be constantly nagging what's wrong | 不停地唠叨什么是错的 感觉安全吗 |
| 1360 | than to open up and receive what's right? | 而不是打开和接受什么是正确的? |
| 1361 | And that's so true for all of us. | 这对我们所有人都是如此 |
| 1362 | And the more damage you had as a kid, | 你小时候遭受的伤害越大 |
| 1363 | the more frightening it is. | 更让人害怕 |
| 1364 | We fuss with each other because being close to each other | 我们彼此大惊小怪 因为彼此亲近 |
| 1365 | in itself can be trauma-triggering for us. | 对我们来说,这本身会引发创伤。 |
| 1366 | It's scary to be vulnerable and close. | 易危而近则骇. |
| 1367 | You have to allow it. | 你必须允许 |
| 1368 | That's the piece I work with next. | 这是我接下来的工作 |
| 1369 | First, we deal with what you do wrong. | 首先 我们处理你犯的错 |
| 1370 | We deal with where it came from. | 我们处理它来自哪里。 |
| 1371 | We give you the skills to do it different. | 我们给你不同的技能 |
| 1372 | Now, you have to receive it. | 现在,你必须接受它。 |
| 1373 | And that's brand new for a lot of us. | 这对我们很多人来说是全新的。 |
| 1374 | And it's frightening. | 这很可怕。 |
| 1375 | I talk about miserable, comfortable, happy, uncomfortable. | 我说的是悲惨,舒适,快乐,不舒服 |
| 1376 | Let's talk about miserable, comfortable. | 让我们谈谈悲惨,舒适。 |
| 1377 | What does that look like? | 看起来像什么? |
| 1378 | It looks like the same old, same old. | 它看起来像一个老的,相同的老。 |
| 1379 | You could do it in your sleep, | 你可以在睡梦中做到这一点, |
| 1380 | but you could do it in your sleep. | 但你可以在睡梦中做到这一点。 |
| 1381 | You're perfectly comfortable there. | 你在这里很舒服 |
| 1382 | Chris, honey, when I came home and those flowers were dead, | 克里斯,亲爱的,当我回家 和那些花死了, |
| 1383 | I was back in my family | 我回到了我的家人身边 |
| 1384 | and I didn't feel very cared about. | 我不觉得很关心。 |
| 1385 | How's that feel? | 感觉如何? |
| 1386 | Frickin' scary, that's how that feels. | Frickin'吓人,这就是那种感觉。 |
| 1387 | It's a lot more comfortable to go after them. | 追他们比较舒服 |
| 1388 | But after children, you're safe, you're comfortable. | 但是孩子出生后,你很安全,很自在. |
| 1389 | You can do it in your sleep. | 梦中能行. |
| 1390 | Wise adult, new, courageous, scary. | 聪明的成年人,新的,勇敢的,可怕的。 |
| 1391 | Good, go there. | 很好,去那边 |
| 1392 | With help, with support. | 以助之,辅之. |
| 1393 | 12-step group, woman's group, | 十二步组 女子组 |
| 1394 | but support that will support your relationship, | 支持你们的关系 |
| 1395 | not your individual power. | 不是你个人的力量 |
| 1396 | What's so interesting is everybody wants love | 有趣的是每个人都想要爱 |
| 1397 | and wants to feel loved. | 并想要感觉被爱。 |
| 1398 | And I never thought about it as a skill | 我从来没有想过 作为一种技能 |
| 1399 | to allow yourself to be loved. | 让自己得到爱 |
| 1400 | Yeah, and it's hard. | 是啊,这是很难的。 |
| 1401 | So when I'm working with a couple, | 所以当我和一对夫妇合作时 |
| 1402 | partner A starts giving partner B what they want. | 伙伴A开始给伙伴B 他们想要的。 |
| 1403 | Now we move into what I call transmission-reception. | 现在我们进入我所说的 传输接收。 |
| 1404 | Partner A is transmitting. | 合作伙伴A正在传输。 |
| 1405 | How is partner B doing receiving? | B搭档的接待情况如何? |
| 1406 | When your partner starts giving you what you want, | 当你的伙伴开始给你你想要的, |
| 1407 | do we fall in their arms and go, no, we don't. | 我们是否掉进他们的怀里 然后走,不,我们不。 |
| 1408 | It's too little, too late. | 太虚,太迟. |
| 1409 | You did it, but I had to ask you. | 你做到了,但我不得不问你。 |
| 1410 | All these yes-buts. | 所有这些是的。 |
| 1411 | That's to protect ourselves | 那是为了保护自己 |
| 1412 | from the vulnerability of being loved. | 从被爱的脆弱性。 |
| 1413 | Allowing our hearts to open, | 允许我们敞开心扉 |
| 1414 | allowing the love in, that's scary. | 允许爱进来,那是可怕的。 |
| 1415 | And the less love you had as a kid, | 你小时候的爱越少 |
| 1416 | the scarier it is to let yourself love | 更可怕的是让你自己爱 |
| 1417 | and be loved as an adult. | 和被爱作为一个成年人。 |
| 1418 | I have to tell you a story. | 我必须告诉你一个故事。 |
| 1419 | Oh, tell me. | 哦,告诉我。 |
| 1420 | About the nitpickers. | 关于摘硝者. |
| 1421 | Yeah, the nitpickers, please. | 对,请摘烟的 |
| 1422 | I was doing a man's group, | 我在做一个男人的团体, |
| 1423 | and one guy floored everybody. | 还有一个家伙把所有人都弄倒了 |
| 1424 | This is a true story. | 这是一个真实的故事。 |
| 1425 | He said, my wife walked in today, | 他说,我妻子今天走进来 |
| 1426 | told my admin, hold the phone, | 跟我的管理员说,拿着电话 |
| 1427 | she had a picnic basket, | 她有一个野餐篮子, |
| 1428 | laid out a picnic on the ground, | 在地面上野餐, |
| 1429 | champagne, a little smooching, | 香槟,一点点抽泣, |
| 1430 | packed up everything, and left. | 收拾好东西,离开 |
| 1431 | All the other guys are like, | 其他人都喜欢, |
| 1432 | oh my God, that's fantastic. | 哦,我的上帝,这是美妙的。 |
| 1433 | He looks at us all, it's a true story. | 他看着我们,这是一个真实的故事。 |
| 1434 | He goes, it almost makes up | 他走了,它几乎弥补了 |
| 1435 | for the way she chews her potato chips. | 她嚼薯片的方式。 |
| 1436 | You want to phosphatize your partner's imperfection, | 你想用磷化你的搭档的不完美 |
| 1437 | they will give you, it's like fission, | 他们会给你,这就像裂变, |
| 1438 | endless opportunity to, no. | 无尽的机会,没有。 |
| 1439 | Be brave, open your heart, be vulnerable. | 勇敢点,敞开心扉,脆弱点 |
| 1440 | If you're a one-down fixer, | 如果你是一个单下修复者, |
| 1441 | the vulnerability is standing up for yourself. | 脆弱性是为自己辩护的。 |
| 1442 | That's what's scary. | 何等为恐怖. |
| 1443 | If you're a one-up fighter, | 如果你是一个单打拳手, |
| 1444 | the vulnerability is moving into the herd. | 脆弱是进入群。 |
| 1445 | Be a human, but either way, | 做人,但无论怎样 |
| 1446 | open your heart, take some risks. | 打开你的心脏,冒险一些。 |
| 1447 | Intimacy is what we're born for, | 亲密是我们生来的目的 |
| 1448 | and respect it, it's frightening. | 并尊重它,这是可怕的。 |
| 1449 | So is that story in the joke an example | 笑话里的故事也是一个例子 |
| 1450 | of how somebody blocks out the love and intimacy? | 一个人如何阻挡 爱和亲密? |
| 1451 | Yeah, yeah. | 对 对 |
| 1452 | I did work with the great feminist psychologist | 我和伟大的女权心理学家合作过 |
| 1453 | Carol Gilligan here. | 我是卡罗尔・吉利根 |
| 1454 | We worked together. | 我们一起工作。 |
| 1455 | And I called it Carol's Invariant Description. | 我称之为卡罗尔的无常描述。 |
| 1456 | I'd be doing all this fancy, cool, | 我会做所有这些花哨,很酷, |
| 1457 | and she, sorry, Carol, | 她,对不起,卡罗尔, |
| 1458 | she said the same damn thing every time. | 她每次都这么说 |
| 1459 | She'd look at a couple, and she would go, | 她看着一对夫妇,她会去, |
| 1460 | you know, Bill and Julie, | 你知道,比尔和朱莉, |
| 1461 | intimacy's really scary, isn't it? | 亲密关系真可怕,不是吗? |
| 1462 | You guys were just close to each other, | 你们只是很亲近 |
| 1463 | and then Bill, you brought up a fight from a week ago, | 然后比尔,你从一周前开始吵架, |
| 1464 | and Jill, you took the bait. | 吉尔 你上钩了 |
| 1465 | Now you're back in your corners, safe and miserable. | 现在你又回到你的角落了 安全又悲惨 |
| 1466 | Isn't it hard to just be in the naked vulnerability | 光是处于裸体的脆弱状态不是很难吗 |
| 1467 | of loving each other and being close? | 相爱和亲近? |
| 1468 | And every time, of course, it would be beautifully timed. | 每次,当然, 它会是美丽的时间。 |
| 1469 | Every time she would say it, | 每次她说, |
| 1470 | they burst into tears, and she was always right. | 她总是对的 |
| 1471 | It's scary to be intimate. | 亲密是可怕的。 |
| 1472 | It takes courage. | 这需要勇气。 |
| 1473 | I'm 34, and I'm realizing I have no idea | 我34岁了 我意识到我不知道 |
| 1474 | how to be in a healthy relationship. | 如何在健康的关系。 |
| 1475 | I either give way too much, I over function, | 我要么放弃太多,我超越了职能 |
| 1476 | people please twist myself into knots | 人们请把自己扭成结 |
| 1477 | trying to keep everyone happy, | 为了让大家快乐 |
| 1478 | or I do the opposite. | 或者我这样做相反。 |
| 1479 | I shut down, shut people out, | 我关闭,关闭人们, |
| 1480 | convince myself I don't need anybody. | 说服自己我不需要任何人 |
| 1481 | I swing between the two. | 我介于两者之间 |
| 1482 | It's exhausting. | 筋疲力尽. |
| 1483 | It wasn't modeled healthy love growing up, | 并不是以健康的爱为榜样长大的 |
| 1484 | and now that I'm older, I don't even know | 现在我长大了,我都不知道 |
| 1485 | what healthy is supposed to feel like. | 什么样的健康应该是感觉。 |
| 1486 | How do I start figuring that out? | 我该怎么才能知道呢? |
| 1487 | What does a healthy relationship look like, | 健康的关系是什么样子, |
| 1488 | and how do I learn to trust myself enough to build one? | 我如何学会相信自己 足以建造一个? |
| 1489 | Well, I brought up Carol Gilligan. | 我提起卡罗尔·吉利根 |
| 1490 | Here's one of my great quotes from her, I love this. | 这是我从她那引用的一句好话 我喜欢这个 |
| 1491 | You cannot love from the one down. | 你不能从下方爱。 |
| 1492 | That's running around cleaning everybody's mess. | 这是到处打扫每个人的烂摊子。 |
| 1493 | You cannot love from the one up. | 你不能从上而下的爱。 |
| 1494 | Shut down, I don't care about anybody. | 关闭,我不在乎任何人。 |
| 1495 | Love demands democracy. | 爱要求民主。 |
| 1496 | So this person has to learn how to be in the biosphere. | 所以这个人必须学会如何进入生物圈。 |
| 1497 | There's no relationship without voice, | 没有声音就没有关系 |
| 1498 | there's no voice without relationship. | 没有关系就没有声音 |
| 1499 | That's also Carol. | 这也是卡罗尔。 |
| 1500 | Can you do this with yourself all day long? | 你能整天都这样吗? |
| 1501 | Like if work is pissing you off, | 就像如果工作让你生气一样 |
| 1502 | if work makes you shut down, | 如果工作让你关闭, |
| 1503 | if a friendship makes you get angry? | 如果友谊让你生气呢? |
| 1504 | Yeah, although what's interesting is we tend to be more | 是啊,虽然有趣的是 我们倾向于更多 |
| 1505 | in our wise adults with everyone but our mates, | 在我们的聪明的成年人中 除了我们的朋友之外,还有所有人 |
| 1506 | and sometimes our kids, | 有时我们的孩子, |
| 1507 | they just don't get at us in the same way. | 他们只是不以同样的方式攻击我们。 |
| 1508 | But yeah, your adaptive child's all over the place. | 但你的适应性孩子到处都是 |
| 1509 | We do consulting to teams that aren't working. | 我们确实向不起作用的团队咨询 |
| 1510 | No, but I meant like if she's single, | 没有,但我的意思是,如果她是单身, |
| 1511 | and so she's not in a relationship. | 所以她没有恋爱 |
| 1512 | She is in a relationship. | 她有关系 |
| 1513 | She has a relationship. | 她有关系。 |
| 1514 | She's got parents, she's got friends, | 她有父母,她还有朋友 |
| 1515 | she's got siblings, she's got a dog. | 她有兄弟姐妹 她有条狗 |
| 1516 | We're all in relationships. | 我们都在交往 |
| 1517 | And it's the same skills and the same work. | 亦复如是技能和功德. |
| 1518 | Got it, so if the question is I look at my track record | 明白了,所以如果问题是 我看看我的记录 |
| 1519 | and I do not trust myself and I don't know how to do this | 我不相信我自己,我不知道该怎么做 |
| 1520 | and it wasn't modeled and you've already said, | 它没有模型,你已经说过, |
| 1521 | Terry, it hasn't been modeled for anybody | 泰瑞,没有给任何人做模特 |
| 1522 | and nobody teaches these skills, | 没有人教这些技能, |
| 1523 | you can start applying absolutely everything right now. | 你可以开始应用 绝对的一切,现在。 |
| 1524 | Even if you're not in a romantic relationship. | 即使你没有恋爱关系 |
| 1525 | You're still in a relationship. | 你还在交往中 |
| 1526 | Yeah, you're still in relationships. | 是啊,你们还在交往中。 |
| 1527 | And so these are the tools that you can use | 这些是你们可以使用的工具 |
| 1528 | for any relationship. | 为了任何关系。 |
| 1529 | This way of thinking, relationally, | 这种思考方式,关系上, |
| 1530 | not individualistically, and these tools, | 而不是个性化 这些工具, |
| 1531 | telling the truth with love and non-harshness, | 以爱和非爱说真言, |
| 1532 | but telling the truth, they're so different | 但说实话,他们是如此不同 |
| 1533 | from the culture at large and they're so potent | 从整个文化 他们是如此强大 |
| 1534 | that doing them badly will transform your life. | 做坏事会改变你的生活 |
| 1535 | And here's the great news. | 这是好消息。 |
| 1536 | You can start doing them badly right now. | 你可以开始做坏的现在。 |
| 1537 | Go ahead. | 来吧。 |
| 1538 | Because it's such a disruption to the way we run around | 因为它这样扰乱了我们的运行方式 |
| 1539 | and pretend and lie and please and shove our feelings down | 假装和撒谎,请 把我们的感情推下去 |
| 1540 | and rage that simply trying to do these things badly, | 愤怒地试图做这些坏事, |
| 1541 | telling the truth, using I statements, | 说实话,根据我的说法, |
| 1542 | not venting, not trying to be right. | 不通风,不试图是正确的。 |
| 1543 | Your partner will be blown away. | 你的搭档会被炸飞的 |
| 1544 | Well, you'll also be blown away. | 你也会被炸飞的 |
| 1545 | You should be. | 你应该。 |
| 1546 | By yourself. | 一个人 |
| 1547 | It's a happier way to live. | 更生欢喜. |
| 1548 | Well, I often joke, Terry, that people say | 我经常开玩笑 泰瑞 人们说 |
| 1549 | that second marriages are really amazing | 第二次婚姻真是不可思议 |
| 1550 | and I say that's especially true | 我说,这是特别真实的 |
| 1551 | if it's with the same person. | 如果它与同一个人。 |
| 1552 | Wow. | 珃 |
| 1553 | And I feel like the tremendous amount of work | 我觉得我的工作量很大 |
| 1554 | that I've done on myself | 我对自己做了 |
| 1555 | and that Chris and I have done together, | 克里斯和我已经一起做了, |
| 1556 | it feels like a completely different relationship | 感觉完全不同的关系 |
| 1557 | because I feel way more peaceful. | 因为我觉得更平静 |
| 1558 | And I was, I know you will say this is probably not true | 我当时 我知道你会说这不是真的 |
| 1559 | because we're all out of control | 因为我们都失控了 |
| 1560 | and we don't understand that adaptive child | 我们不明白这个适应性的孩子 |
| 1561 | and the behaviors that come out on automatic | 以及自动出现的行为 |
| 1562 | when you're emotionally flooded. | 当你情绪被淹没时 |
| 1563 | I felt so out of control with my anger, | 我怒气冲天,感觉很失控 |
| 1564 | with my frustration, with my feelings of being alone | 与我的挫折感, 与我的孤独感 |
| 1565 | even though I'm married, | 即使我结婚了 |
| 1566 | that I thought it would always feel that way. | 我总觉得这样 |
| 1567 | And it's shocking how quickly you can start | 令人惊讶的是,你能多快开始 |
| 1568 | to apply these skills and feel more peaceful | 运用这些技能,感到更加和平 |
| 1569 | and in control and in harmony with yourself first. | 并且首先控制自己并与自己和谐相处。 |
| 1570 | That's the joy. | 即是欢喜. |
| 1571 | Yes. | 对 |
| 1572 | And you also get a better relationship, it's both. | 你也有更好的关系 两者兼而有之 |
| 1573 | What happens, can you speak a little bit about | 发生什么了,你能谈谈 |
| 1574 | that feeling of your inner relationship | 你内心的感情 |
| 1575 | and yet you're really lonely? | 而你却很孤独? |
| 1576 | I call that alone together. | 我管这叫孤独 |
| 1577 | Alone together? | 单独在一起? |
| 1578 | Yeah, being alone together. | 是啊,独自在一起。 |
| 1579 | And it's because you're not telling the truth | 因为你没有说实话 |
| 1580 | and you're not getting through. | 而且你无法通过。 |
| 1581 | You know, that cliche of the couple at the restaurant | 你知道,那个老套的夫妇 在餐厅 |
| 1582 | that's sitting there with nothing to say. | 坐在那没什么好说的 |
| 1583 | Oh my God, you see so many. | 哦,我的上帝,你看到这么多。 |
| 1584 | Yeah, well, here's what I say. | 是的,我这么说 |
| 1585 | It isn't that they have nothing to say, | 不是说他们没什么好说的 |
| 1586 | it's they have too much to say and no way of saying it. | 他们有太多话要说 没法说 |
| 1587 | That's why they're sitting there in silence. | 故众生默坐. |
| 1588 | If the person listening is feeling like, | 如果听者觉得 |
| 1589 | okay, I'm together alone, what am I gonna do? | 好吧,我一个人在一起, 我该怎么办? |
| 1590 | I'm gonna start telling the truth | 我要开始说实话 |
| 1591 | and then blow this whole thing up? | 然后把这整件事炸掉? |
| 1592 | Well. | 这个嘛 |
| 1593 | Isn't it better to just be together alone | 一个人在一起不是更好吗? |
| 1594 | instead of blowing up my life? | 而不是毁了我的生活? |
| 1595 | I mean, first of all, learn. | 我的意思是,首先,学习。 |
| 1596 | Because I think that's the fear. | 因为我认为这是恐惧。 |
| 1597 | Well, of course it's the fear | 当然是恐惧 |
| 1598 | and if you go off like a seven-year-old adaptive child, | 如果你像一个7岁的适应性孩子一样离开 |
| 1599 | what I call individual empowerment, | 我称之为个人赋权, |
| 1600 | I was weak, now I'm strong, go screw yourself, | 我当时很弱,现在我很强壮 去他妈的自己, |
| 1601 | then the person may blow up. | 然后他就会爆炸 |
| 1602 | So getting through to somebody is an art, | 所以联系某人是一种艺术 |
| 1603 | you have to learn how to do it. | 你必须学会怎么做 |
| 1604 | But even that is just maximizing your possibility. | 但即使如此,也只是尽可能扩大你的可能性。 |
| 1605 | At the end of the day, it goes like this. | 最后,它是这样的。 |
| 1606 | First, learn some skills, do it well. | 首先,学习一些技能,做得很好。 |
| 1607 | Beating the person over the head probably | 可能打人的脑袋 |
| 1608 | has something to do with why they're not listening to you. | 和他们为什么不听你们说话有关 |
| 1609 | Two, once you learn the skills | 第二,一旦你学会了技能 |
| 1610 | and you do your best, if you're still not getting through, | 并尽力,如果你仍然没有通过, |
| 1611 | get help, get a couples therapy | 找人帮忙,做夫妻治疗 |
| 1612 | and get a couples therapist who really helps, | 找个真正能帮忙的情侣治疗师 |
| 1613 | which many don't. | 很多人没有 |
| 1614 | Three, ready? | 三号,准备好了吗? |
| 1615 | If you're still not fully there, I have a tool. | 如果你还没有完全到那里,我有工具 |
| 1616 | Should I stay or should I go? | 我该留下来还是该走? |
| 1617 | And I call this tool a relational reckoning. | 我把这个工具叫做关系衡算 |
| 1618 | And it's a question, you ready? | 这是个问题,你准备好了吗? |
| 1619 | Yes. | 对 |
| 1620 | Am I getting enough here to make grieving | 难道我在这里得到足够的 使悲伤 |
| 1621 | when I'm not getting worth my while? | 当我不值钱的时候? |
| 1622 | Am I getting enough to make grieving | 难道我得到足够的 使悲伤 |
| 1623 | when I'm not getting okay with me? | 当我不喜欢我的时候? |
| 1624 | You know what? | 你知道吗? |
| 1625 | Bill was a real playboy, a real lover, | 比尔是一个真正的花花公子, 一个真正的情人, |
| 1626 | and he had partner after partner who swung from chandeliers. | 他有一个伴侣, 一个从吊灯里摇摆的伴侣。 |
| 1627 | He's now married to a woman, one out of four, | 他现在娶了一个女人 四分之一 |
| 1628 | who has a sexual abuse history. | 谁有性虐待史。 |
| 1629 | She ain't swinging from chandeliers. | 她不会从吊灯里摇晃的 |
| 1630 | She needs it slow and gentle. | 她需要它缓慢和温柔。 |
| 1631 | Does Bill miss the wild old days? | 比尔想念野生的旧时光吗? |
| 1632 | Yes, that's okay. | 是的,没关系。 |
| 1633 | Is he gonna trade her in for one of those crazy sex dolls? | 他会用她换一个疯狂的性玩偶吗? |
| 1634 | No, he loves her. | 不,他爱她。 |
| 1635 | I'm getting so much that letting go | 我得到了这么多,放手 |
| 1636 | of what I'm not getting is okay with me. | 我不会得到的 对我来说是好的。 |
| 1637 | And if that's your answer, | 如果这就是你的答案 |
| 1638 | stop bitching and embrace what's good. | 别再抱怨了 拥抱好东西 |
| 1639 | If your answer is it's not okay with me, | 如果你的答案是,它不 同意我, |
| 1640 | first stop is therapy and second stop is you're done. | 第一站就是治疗 第二站就是结束了 |
| 1641 | But don't keep living like a resentful victim. | 但不要像一个怨恨的受害者一样生活 |
| 1642 | It's bad for everybody. | 对大家都不好 |
| 1643 | I'm just letting that sit. | 我只是让那个坐。 |
| 1644 | Because it's easy to get yourself in a situation | 因为很容易让自己陷入困境 |
| 1645 | where you stay with the wrong person | 你和错人呆在一起 |
| 1646 | and you're right about how resentful you are | 你说得对,你有多怨恨 |
| 1647 | and what a victim you are. | 你是一个什么样的受害者。 |
| 1648 | Yeah, why are you staying with the wrong person? | 是啊,为什么你住错人了? |
| 1649 | First of all, your first shot | 首先,你的第一枪 |
| 1650 | is turning them into the right person, | 把他们变成合适的人, |
| 1651 | which I know goes against a little of what you've been saying, | 我知道这和你说的有些矛盾 |
| 1652 | but you turn them into the right person | 但你把他们变成合适的人 |
| 1653 | by using your skills. | 利用你的技术 |
| 1654 | Well, they don't even have an opportunity | 他们甚至没有机会 |
| 1655 | to be the right person if you haven't done the work. | 如果你还没做工作,就成为合适的人 |
| 1656 | Of asking for that. | 要求这样。 |
| 1657 | And also bringing the wise adult yourself | 也带来聪明的成年人自己 |
| 1658 | to the relationship and then seeing who shows up | 关系,然后看看谁出现 |
| 1659 | when you're safe and when you're wise | 当你安全的时候 当你聪明的时候 |
| 1660 | and when you are in the moment and calm and kind | 当你在那一刻 平静和善良 |
| 1661 | and asking for what you need. | 并问 你需要什么。 |
| 1662 | You totally got it. | 你完全可以做到这一点。 |
| 1663 | What does that mean they're the wrong person? | 这是什么意思,他们是错的人? |
| 1664 | And maybe if you change your behavior, | 也许如果你改变你的行为 |
| 1665 | guess what happens on the other side of the seesaw? | 你猜锯子的另一边会怎样? |
| 1666 | Maybe, but why don't you give that a shot? | 也许吧,你为什么不试试? |
| 1667 | You know, everybody who sees me | 你知道,每个人都看到我 |
| 1668 | is what I call an essentialist. | 就是我所说的基本主义者 |
| 1669 | What's wrong with my marriage? | 我的婚姻有什么问题? |
| 1670 | Them. | 他们。 |
| 1671 | What's wrong with them? | 他们怎么了? |
| 1672 | Them, that's who they are. | 他们就是这样 |
| 1673 | Yeah, it's true story. | 是啊,这是真实的故事。 |
| 1674 | Harry, Harry, whatever his name was, comes. | 哈利,哈利,不管他叫什么,都来了 |
| 1675 | No sex in my marriage. | 我的婚姻里没有性 |
| 1676 | Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. | 叹曰. |
| 1677 | How long? | 多长时间? |
| 1678 | Decades. | 数十年来. |
| 1679 | Why? | 为什么? |
| 1680 | She's frigid. | 她有点冷淡 |
| 1681 | You know, she's just a cold person. | 你知道,她只是一个冷酷的人。 |
| 1682 | Whole family cold. | 全家寒风. |
| 1683 | Good. | 不错 |
| 1684 | I bring in Mrs. Harry. | 我带哈利太太来 |
| 1685 | No sex. | 无性. |
| 1686 | No, of course not. | 不,当然不是。 |
| 1687 | Of course not. | 当然不是。 |
| 1688 | Yeah, you wouldn't want to have sex with him. | 是啊,你不会想跟他做爱。 |
| 1689 | Yeah, he's a premature ejaculator, has been for decades. | 是的,他是一个不成熟的射精器, 已经几十年了。 |
| 1690 | If I try and talk to him about it, | 如果我试着和他谈谈 |
| 1691 | he just flies into a rage. | 他只是飞进愤怒。 |
| 1692 | He has no interest in my needs. | 他对我的需求不感兴趣 |
| 1693 | And anytime I try and address it, it just gets, forget it. | 每当我尝试解决它, 它只是得到,忘了它。 |
| 1694 | I bring in Harry. | 我带哈利来 |
| 1695 | It's a true story. | 真实说法. |
| 1696 | Harry, I've got great news for you. | 哈利,我有个好消息要告诉你 |
| 1697 | That sexless marriage you're in, | 你那段无性婚姻 |
| 1698 | you have something to do with it. | 你和这件事有关 |
| 1699 | Once you stop blaming the other person | 一旦你不再责怪别人 |
| 1700 | and start to see that it's a system, if it is, | 并开始看到 这是一个系统,如果它是, |
| 1701 | you change your behavior and then see what happens. | 你改变你的行为 然后看看会发生什么。 |
| 1702 | But first, change your behavior. | 但首先改变你的行为 |
| 1703 | So did they stay together? | 他们在一起吗? |
| 1704 | Yeah, they started having sex. | 是的,他们开始做爱。 |
| 1705 | He taught, she taught him how to be a better lover. | 他教,她教他如何成为一个更好的情人。 |
| 1706 | And he was with, I mean, this is where I come in. | 他和,我的意思是, 这就是我进来的地方。 |
| 1707 | Harry, it's in your interests. | 哈利,这符合你的利益 |
| 1708 | Come down off your high horse. | 下来吧 |
| 1709 | Let her teach you. | 让她教你吧 |
| 1710 | You want her in bed with you? | 你想让她跟你上床? |
| 1711 | Make it worth her a while, that goes back to it. | 让它值得她一阵子, 那又回到它。 |
| 1712 | Make it worth her a while. | 让她花点时间 |
| 1713 | Really? | 真的吗? |
| 1714 | Okay, I will. | 好吧,我会的。 |
| 1715 | Good, do it. | 很好,动手吧 |
| 1716 | That's what most therapists don't do. | 多数治疗师不这样做. |
| 1717 | Do you think any relationship can be repaired? | 你觉得可以修复任何关系吗? |
| 1718 | No. | 没有 |
| 1719 | And I'm not in the business of repairing every relationship. | 我并不从事修复一切关系的工作。 |
| 1720 | So what are some of the circumstances | 那么,什么是一些情况 |
| 1721 | or like lines in the sand for you | 或像线 在沙子里为你 |
| 1722 | that are important to say? | 这很重要吗? |
| 1723 | In terms of non-starters, it goes without saying, | 就非启动者而言,毋庸置疑, |
| 1724 | but if you're physically in danger, | 但如果你身体有危险 |
| 1725 | if you're talking, I don't ask people to tell truth | 如果你在说话,我不要求别人说实话 |
| 1726 | to power when they're gonna get hurt if they do it. | 当他们要受到伤害时,他们就会掌权。 |
| 1727 | And there are unfortunately some reality to that. | 不幸的是,这是一些现实。 |
| 1728 | So we don't do couples therapy | 所以我们不做夫妇治疗 |
| 1729 | if there's a threat of domestic violence. | 如果有家庭暴力的威胁。 |
| 1730 | If you're the victim of honest to God, physical threat, | 如果你是上帝的牺牲品 身体威胁 |
| 1731 | get some help, get some safety. | 找人帮忙 找些安全的地方 |
| 1732 | That's not couples work. | 这不是夫妇的工作。 |
| 1733 | That's your work to get safe and your kids safe. | 这是你的工作 安全,你的孩子安全。 |
| 1734 | And that is absolutely intolerable period, end of story. | 这是绝对不能容忍的时期, 故事结束。 |
| 1735 | Some are obvious. | 有些是显而易见的。 |
| 1736 | Somebody's got an addiction | 有人上瘾了 |
| 1737 | they don't wanna deal with alcoholism, sex addiction. | 他们不想处理酗酒 性瘾 |
| 1738 | Someone is chronically irresponsible | 有人长期不负责任 |
| 1739 | and they don't wanna deal with it. | 他们不想处理它。 |
| 1740 | Somebody has a major mental health disorder, depression, | 有人患有严重的精神疾病 抑郁症 |
| 1741 | they don't wanna deal with it, all that's a role. | 他们不想处理它, 所有这是一个角色。 |
| 1742 | Then some are more subtle. | 那有些更细腻 |
| 1743 | If there's a relationship where there's a clear asymmetry | 如果有关系,有明显的不对称 |
| 1744 | in the maturity levels of the two people, | 两个人的成熟程度, |
| 1745 | eventually the immaturity of the immature one | 最终不成熟的 |
| 1746 | will be too painful for the other one to live with | 对方会很痛苦的 |
| 1747 | and they should go find a better partner. | 他们应该找个更好的搭档 |
| 1748 | But before you go find a better partner, | 但在你找到更好的搭档之前 |
| 1749 | see if you can get this one to be a better partner | 看你能不能让这个成为更好的搭档 |
| 1750 | by changing your moves on your side of the net. | 通过改变你在网边的动作。 |
| 1751 | First try that. | 先试试看 |
| 1752 | How honest should you be with your friends and family | 你应该对朋友和家人有多诚实 |
| 1753 | about the challenges in your relationship? | 关于你们关系中的挑战? |
| 1754 | Like where do you see the line | 就像你从哪里看到线一样 |
| 1755 | from just sort of healthy sharing | 从仅仅是一种健康的分享 |
| 1756 | and trying to get support | 并试图获得支持 |
| 1757 | because you feel like you can't, | 因为你觉得自己做不到 |
| 1758 | or whatever reason versus sharing way too much | 不管是什么原因 或分享的方式太多 |
| 1759 | that might hurt the partnership? | 那会伤害合伙人? |
| 1760 | Not family, friends. | 不是家人,是朋友们。 |
| 1761 | What do you mean not family, friends? | 朋友,你什么意思,不是家人吗? |
| 1762 | Well, you don't want your mother-in-law | 你不想要你的婆婆吗? |
| 1763 | listening to Chris bitch about what a rager you are. | 听克里斯的婊子 关于你是多么愤怒。 |
| 1764 | You don't want that. | 你不希望这样。 |
| 1765 | No. | 没有 |
| 1766 | One of the biggest fights that Chris and I have ever had | 我和克里斯最大的争斗之一 |
| 1767 | in our 29-year marriage was the fact | 我们29年的婚姻是事实 |
| 1768 | that he shared things with his mom | 他和妈妈分享了一切 |
| 1769 | that we were struggling with. | 我们一直在挣扎 |
| 1770 | Like he went to her for help. | 就像他去找她帮忙一样 |
| 1771 | I was so angry about it. | 我当时很生气 |
| 1772 | I felt so betrayed | 我觉得自己被背叛了 |
| 1773 | because it felt like I was no longer married to Chris. | 因为感觉我不再嫁给克里斯了 |
| 1774 | It felt like I was now married to her son | 感觉好像我和她儿子结婚了 |
| 1775 | and she was now in the middle of this issue | 现在她正忙于这个话题 |
| 1776 | we were trying to work out privately. | 我们试图私下解决。 |
| 1777 | And it caused a major rift, | 并造成了重大裂痕, |
| 1778 | not only between me and Chris, | 不仅在我和克里斯之间 |
| 1779 | but I felt all of this distance with my mother-in-law | 但我和婆婆有这么远的感觉 |
| 1780 | who I'm really close with, but for at least a year, | 我和他很亲近 但至少一年 |
| 1781 | like I just, it was really awful. | 就像我刚刚, 它真的很糟糕。 |
| 1782 | And I know he didn't mean it. | 我知道他不是这个意思 |
| 1783 | And I know he was just looking for the support | 我知道他只是在寻找支持 |
| 1784 | that he needed, but wow, I have to say, | 他需要,但哇,我不得不说, |
| 1785 | do not go outside your marriage and bring in your family. | 不要离开你的婚姻 带你的家人。 |
| 1786 | It's not fair to your spouse | 这对你配偶不公平 |
| 1787 | because you're not in a relationship | 因为你没有恋爱 |
| 1788 | 与婆law. | |
| 1789 | You're not in a relationship with, | 你没有和, |
| 1790 | your partner's not in a relationship with your dad. | 你的搭档和你爸爸没有关系 |
| 1791 | They're in a relationship with you. | 他们跟你有关系 |
| 1792 | So give them the respect to work on it internally. | 所以要尊重他们内部的工作 |
| 1793 | Oh, I'm so glad you said that. | 哦,我很高兴你这么说。 |
| 1794 | I'm so glad you said that. | 很高兴你这么说 |
| 1795 | Because while the intention I think was beautiful, | 因为,虽然我想的意图是美丽的, |
| 1796 | the actual impact and result was very difficult and damaging. | 实际影响和结果非常困难和有害。 |
| 1797 | And we've of course cleaned it up and learned from it, | 当然,我们清理了它 从中吸取了教训, |
| 1798 | but wow. | 不过,哇哇。 |
| 1799 | Now, what about friends though? | 朋友怎么办? |
| 1800 | Because you said friends are okay? | 因为你说朋友没事? |
| 1801 | And what are the parameters? | 参数是什么? |
| 1802 | I teach people this. | 我教别人这个。 |
| 1803 | Train your friends to support relational empowerment, | 训练你的朋友 支持关系赋权, |
| 1804 | not individual empowerment. | 而不是赋予个人权力。 |
| 1805 | Okay, what does that look like? | 好吧,这看起来像什么? |
| 1806 | Train your friends to support the relationship, | 训练你的朋友 支持关系, |
| 1807 | not you as an individual. | 而不是你作为一个个人。 |
| 1808 | If they're gonna support your marriage, | 如果他们要支持你的婚姻 |
| 1809 | then you can bitch about your partner. | 然后你可以抱怨你的搭档 |
| 1810 | But if they're gonna take your fetching about your partner | 但如果他们要带走你的搭档 |
| 1811 | as license to empower you at the expense of the relationship, | 作为以牺牲关系为代价赋予你权力的许可证, |
| 1812 | that's not the friend you want. | 这不是你想要的朋友。 |
| 1813 | So what happens when you talk about your relationship? | 当你谈论你的关系时会怎样? |
| 1814 | And even that you're not passing, | 即使你没有经过, |
| 1815 | you can train your friends to support the relationship | 你可以训练你的朋友 支持关系 |
| 1816 | so that it's safe to complain. | 这样就可以安全地抱怨了 |
| 1817 | You know, I complain about Belinda, she complains about me. | 你知道,我抱怨Belinda, 她抱怨我。 |
| 1818 | My friends listen and they go, | 我的朋友听着,他们走了, |
| 1819 | okay, have you ever thought that maybe you might dot, dot, dot? | 好吧,你有没有想过 也许你可以点,点,点? |
| 1820 | Oh, come on, man. | 哦,来吧,伙计。 |
| 1821 | Think about it. | 考虑一下 |
| 1822 | That's a friend. | 这是一个朋友。 |
| 1823 | So you just say to them, I'm gonna come, | 所以你告诉他们,我要去, |
| 1824 | I wanna talk to you about something going on, | 我想跟你谈谈事情 |
| 1825 | but I want this to work. | 但我希望这个能成功 |
| 1826 | You know I love him. | 你知道我爱他。 |
| 1827 | Is that how you say it? | 你是这么说的吗? |
| 1828 | Like, how do you say it? | 你怎么说? |
| 1829 | Yeah. | 对 |
| 1830 | You're empowering me to even be more of a fighter, | 你让我更能当战士 |
| 1831 | even more righteously indignant. | 更正法忍辱. |
| 1832 | That is no help to me. | 这对我没有任何帮助。 |
| 1833 | So if you're gonna be my friend, | 所以,如果你要成为我的朋友, |
| 1834 | I'm gonna talk about my marriage, | 我要谈谈我的婚姻, |
| 1835 | this is what my adaptive child looks like, you know that. | 这就是我的适应孩子的样子,你知道的。 |
| 1836 | I don't need more support to be a fighter. | 我不需要更多的支持 成为一名战士。 |
| 1837 | Or Chris would say, | 或者克里斯会说, |
| 1838 | I don't need more support to shut her down. | 我不需要更多的支持 她关闭。 |
| 1839 | Take a look at what I'm saying | 看看我在说什么 |
| 1840 | and then give me some advice and support | 然后给我一些建议和支持 |
| 1841 | about what I can do different. | 关于我能做什么不同。 |
| 1842 | Terry, could you speak directly to the person | 泰瑞,你能直接和那个人说话吗? |
| 1843 | who's listening or watching right now? | 谁在听还是看? |
| 1844 | And if they take just one action based on everything, | 如果他们只采取一项基于一切的行动 |
| 1845 | that you have taught us today, | 今天你教我们, |
| 1846 | what do you think the most important thing to do is? | 你觉得最重要的事情是什么? |
| 1847 | Listen, first figure out | 听着 先想清楚 |
| 1848 | if you tend to be one up or one down. | 如果你倾向于一个上或一个下。 |
| 1849 | If you're one down, have some courage. | 如果你被击倒了 要有勇气 |
| 1850 | With love, not harshness. | 以爱而不苛. |
| 1851 | Lean in and deal. | 精进和交易。 |
| 1852 | If that doesn't work, get some help. | 如果这样不行,就找人帮忙 |
| 1853 | If you're one up, get off your goddamn high horse. | 如果你一个人起来, 下车你的该死的高马。 |
| 1854 | Show some vulnerability. | 显示一些弱点。 |
| 1855 | I don't care if you're right. | 我不管你是对的 |
| 1856 | Right is not gonna save your marriage. | 权利是不会 挽救你的婚姻。 |
| 1857 | Ask your partner, what do you need? | 问问你的搭档 你需要什么? |
| 1858 | Come off of your selfishness and lead in a new way. | 摆脱你的自私 用新的方式领导 |
| 1859 | If you're small, get big. | 身小则大. |
| 1860 | If you're big, get small. | 如果你是大块头,就变小 |
| 1861 | Try something new on your side | 试试你那边的新东西 |
| 1862 | and see if that changes things. | 看看这是否会改变一切 |
| 1863 | I love that if you're small, get big. | 我喜欢,如果你是小,得到大。 |
| 1864 | If you're big, get small. | 如果你是大块头,就变小 |
| 1865 | I mean, if you're small, get big. | 我的意思是,如果你是小的,得到大。 |
| 1866 | And if you're big, get small. | 如果你是大块头,就变小 |
| 1867 | If you're one up, come down. | 如果你是上面的,下来。 |
| 1868 | If you're one down, come up. | 如果你跌倒了 就上来 |
| 1869 | Democracy, democracy, democracy. | 民主,民主,民主。 |
| 1870 | Meaning it's we. | 意思是我们 |
| 1871 | We. | 我们。 |
| 1872 | It's not me above you. | 这不是我在你上面。 |
| 1873 | And it's not me. | 则非我. |
| 1874 | Or it's not me below you. | 或者不是你下面的我 说吧 |
| 1875 | No. | 没有 |
| 1876 | It's me. | 师曰是我. |
| 1877 | So when you say one up, | 所以当你说起来的时候, |
| 1878 | you mean you're the one who's acting big in the relationship | 你是说你是那个在感情中表现大的人 |
| 1879 | and you feel above the person. | 你感觉自己超越了人 |
| 1880 | And when you say one down, | 当你说一个下来, |
| 1881 | you're saying you're now small and scared | 你是说你现在又小又害怕 |
| 1882 | and you feel below the person. | 感觉在人下面 |
| 1883 | Oh, so the one up is you're big | 哦,所以一个升是 你大 |
| 1884 | and that's loud and angry or righteous | 大声而愤怒或正义 |
| 1885 | or venting or any of that stuff. | 或通风或任何的东西。 |
| 1886 | And one down is you feel small | 一个是觉得自己很小 |
| 1887 | and you might be fixing or you might be shutting down | 你可能会修复 或者你可能会关闭 |
| 1888 | or you might be pulling, like it's the. | 或者你可能拉, 像它是。 |
| 1889 | Find some courage. | 找点勇气 |
| 1890 | If you're one up, yield. | 狦琌癬, 斌 |
| 1891 | Open your heart. | 开心. |
| 1892 | Surrender. | 投降吧 投降吧 投降吧 投降吧 |
| 1893 | Be vulnerable. | 易发. |
| 1894 | If you're one down, lean in. | 如果你是下一个, 倾斜。 |
| 1895 | Have courage. | 鼓起勇气来 |
| 1896 | Stand up for health in the relationship. | 站在关系的健康。 |
| 1897 | It's not even standing up for yourself. | 它甚至没有站出来为自己。 |
| 1898 | Stand up for the biosphere. | 为生物圈而立. |
| 1899 | A lot of women in particular think | 很多女人特别想 |
| 1900 | it's selfish of me to stand up for my needs. | 我为自己的需要而站出来太自私了 |
| 1901 | No, it's good for your biosphere. | 不,这对你的生物圈有好处 |
| 1902 | Stand up for the biosphere. | 为生物圈而立. |
| 1903 | Terry, I know this conversation | 泰瑞,我知道这段谈话 |
| 1904 | is going to spread around the globe | 将蔓延到全球 |
| 1905 | and that so many people are going to listen | 这么多人会听 |
| 1906 | and feel their hearts and a new possibility open. | 感受他们的心和新的可能 |
| 1907 | I hope so. | 我希望是这样。 |
| 1908 | And then they're gonna hit share | 然后他们要分享 |
| 1909 | and send this to their partner | 并把它送到他们的伙伴那里, |
| 1910 | and say, could you listen to this, please? | 并说,你能听这个,好吗? |
| 1911 | Good. | 不错 |
| 1912 | I would love to have you speak directly | 我希望你能直接说话 |
| 1913 | to the person who is here | 给在场的人 |
| 1914 | because their partner sent this to them. | 因为他们的搭档寄给他们的 |
| 1915 | Great, love that. | 好极了,爱死了 |
| 1916 | And what do you want them to know? | 你想让他们知道什么? |
| 1917 | This is what I want you to know, my friend. | 这就是我要告诉你的,我的朋友。 |
| 1918 | It is in your interest to learn how to do this. | 学习如何这样做对你有好处。 |
| 1919 | It's in your interest. | 这对你有好处。 |
| 1920 | We are born to be relational. | 我们天生就是有关系的 |
| 1921 | If your partner is giving you this episode | 如果你的搭档给你这集 |
| 1922 | is because they want you to open your heart. | 因为他们要你敞开心扉 |
| 1923 | They want you to be a more relational human being. | 他们希望你更亲切 |
| 1924 | This is what we're born for as a species. | 这是我们作为一个物种所生的。 |
| 1925 | This is what makes us healthy, | 这就是让我们健康的原因 |
| 1926 | not just mentally, but physically. | 不仅是精神上,还有身体上 |
| 1927 | We are born to do this work. | 我们天生就是做这项工作的 |
| 1928 | It's been lost and we need to retrieve it | 不见了,我们得拿回来 |
| 1929 | for ourselves, for our families, for our children. | 为了我们自己,为了我们的家庭,为了我们的孩子。 |
| 1930 | If you don't wanna do this for yourself | 如果你不想为自己这么做 |
| 1931 | and you don't wanna do it for your partner, | 而你不想为你的搭档做, |
| 1932 | do it for your kids. | 为你的孩子做 |
| 1933 | They need you to open your heart | 他们需要你打开你的心 |
| 1934 | and be in a functional relationship. | 和在一个功能性的关系。 |
| 1935 | And do it for the planet. | 而为世间作么生. |
| 1936 | We are treating mother nature out of this dominance model. | 我们正在对待母性 走出这种统治模式。 |
| 1937 | It's obsolete and it's suicidal. | 它已经过时了,它自杀。 |
| 1938 | Learn to do this differently. | 学道不同. |
| 1939 | You'll live 10 years older, | 你会活到十岁 |
| 1940 | your partner will be happier with you, | 你的搭档会更快乐的 |
| 1941 | your sex life will improve | 你的性生活会改善 |
| 1942 | and your kids will talk to you | 你的孩子会跟你说话 |
| 1943 | and you might actually do something to save the world. | 你可能会做一些事情来拯救世界 |
| 1944 | What the hell? | 什么情况? |
| 1945 | Give it a shot. | 试一试. |
| 1946 | Thank you for saying that | 谢谢你这么说 |
| 1947 | because I don't want somebody who receives this | 因为我不希望有人 谁收到这个 |
| 1948 | to experience it like, oh, they're trying to fix me. | 体验一下,哦,他们想修补我 |
| 1949 | They're trying to change me. | 他们想改变我 |
| 1950 | It's really an invitation. | 这真的是一个邀请。 |
| 1951 | It's an invitation. | 乃请曰. |
| 1952 | And I wanna say I admire your heroism | 我想说 我很欣赏你的英雄主义 |
| 1953 | to even entertain the possibility. | 甚至考虑这个可能性。 |
| 1954 | This is hard. | 这很难。 |
| 1955 | I started off by saying this. | 我一开始是这么说的 |
| 1956 | This is not easy, but the rewards it will give you, | 这不容易,但它会给你的回报, |
| 1957 | your family, your children are almost inexpressible. | 你的家人 你的孩子几乎无法表达 |
| 1958 | It's hard work. | 勤修众生. |
| 1959 | Break the chain. | 断断枷锁. |
| 1960 | Terry Real, you're real good. | 泰瑞・瑞尔,你真的很好。 |
| 1961 | Thank you. | 谢谢 |
| 1962 | Thank you for the work that you're doing | 谢谢你的工作 |
| 1963 | and thank you for being here | 谢谢你能来 |
| 1964 | and sharing all of this wisdom with us | 与我们分享这些智慧 |
| 1965 | and giving us tools so we can practice these skills | 给我们工具,让我们可以练习这些技能 |
| 1966 | so that we might just heal ourselves | 这样我们就能自愈了 |
| 1967 | and in the process make our relationships better. | 并在此过程中改善我们的关系。 |
| 1968 | You're wonderful to stick with. | 你很会跟随你 |
| 1969 | You're a wise woman and it was hard won. | 你是个聪明的女人 很难赢 |
| 1970 | Takes one to know one now. | 一个人现在才知道 |
| 1971 | So bless you for the work you're doing too. | 所以,祝福你的工作 你正在做的。 |
| 1972 | And I also wanna thank you. | 我也想谢谢你。 |
| 1973 | Thank you for taking the time to listen to this. | 谢谢你花时间听这个 |
| 1974 | Thank you for really letting | 谢谢你真的让 |
| 1975 | what Terry was teaching us sink in. | 泰瑞教我们的是什么 |
| 1976 | Thank you for sharing this with your partner, | 谢谢你和你搭档分享这个 |
| 1977 | with the people that you care about. | 你关心的人。 |
| 1978 | There's no doubt in my mind | 我心中毫无疑问 |
| 1979 | that if you take everything to heart | 如果你把一切都带入心脏 |
| 1980 | and you use the tools, especially those four questions, | 你用工具,尤其是那四个问题, |
| 1981 | I can't wait to share this with my kids, with Chris. | 我迫不及待想和我的孩子 和克里斯分享这个 |
| 1982 | Oh my gosh. | 天呐 |
| 1983 | There's no doubt in my mind | 我心中毫无疑问 |
| 1984 | that your relationships are gonna get so much better. | 你们的关系会好很多 |
| 1985 | And in case no one else tells you today, | 如果今天没人告诉你 |
| 1986 | I wanted to be sure to tell you as your friend | 我想肯定地告诉你 作为你的朋友 |
| 1987 | that I love you and I believe in you | 我爱你,我相信你 |
| 1988 | and I believe in your ability to create a better life. | 我相信你有能力创造更美好的生活 |
| 1989 | And if you apply all of the advice that you just heard, | 如果你采纳你刚才听到的所有建议 |
| 1990 | there is no doubt in my mind that your life will get better | 我毫不怀疑你的人生会好转 |
| 1991 | and so will your relationships. | 你们的关系也会这样 |
| 1992 | Alrighty, I will see you in the very next episode. | 好吧,我会看到你 在下一集。 |
| 1993 | I'll be there to welcome you in the moment you hit play. | 我会在那里欢迎你 在你打球的那一刻。 |
| 1994 | Alrighty, and I also wanna say thank you to you | 好,我也想谢谢你 |
| 1995 | 在YouTube上跟我来 | |
| 1996 | Thanks for watching all the way to the end. | 感谢你们一路观看到最后. |
| 1997 | Thank you for sharing this episode | 谢谢你分享这集 |
| 1998 | and the wisdom of Terry Real with your partner, | 和特里・瑞尔的智慧 与你的搭档, |
| 1999 | with the people that you care about | 与你关心的人 |
| 2000 | and the people that deserve more love | 和值得更多爱的人 |
| 2001 | and better relationships in their life. | 还有他们生活中更好的关系 |
| 2002 | And I know you're thinking, all right, Mal, | 我知道你在想,好吧,玛 |
| 2003 | what should I watch next? | 我接下来该看什么? |
| 2004 | Well, if you loved this, | 如果你喜欢这个 |
| 2005 | you are absolutely gonna love this one next. | 你绝对会爱上这个下一个。 |
| 2006 | And I will welcome you in the moment you hit play. | 我会欢迎你一出戏 |
| 2007 | Hit play. | 击球 |
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