大幅提升对话质量的科学原理【TED演讲】
共 2 集
剧集目录
| 集 | 标题 | 时长 |
|---|---|---|
| P1 | 大幅提升对话质量的科学原理【TED演讲】 中英双语 | 11:48 |
| P2 | 大幅提升对话质量的科学原理【TED演讲】 最新外挂版本 | 11:48 |
P1 · 大幅提升对话质量的科学原理【TED演讲】 p01 中英双语 (P1)
字幕摘录
| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| 0:05 | So, I'm going to ask you to participate in an experiment, which is that when you leave | 所以,我要请你参与一个实验, 那就是当你离开 |
| 0:11 | this room, when you go out into the world, today, tomorrow, whenever you feel like it, | 这个房间,当你走出去 世界,今天,明天, 无论你喜欢它, |
| 0:16 | I'd like you to ask and answer one question of someone who's a stranger. | 请师问一问如何是陌生人. |
| 0:22 | You might meet them on the bus, you might meet them walking down the street, and I'm | 你可能会在巴士上遇到他们, 你可能会遇到他们走在街上,我 |
| 0:25 | going to show you the question that I'm going to ask you to ask and answer. | 让你看看我要问你的问题 问和回答 |
| 0:28 | The question is, when was the last time you cried in front of someone? | 问题是 你最后一次在别人面前哭是什么时候? |
| 0:34 | Now, just out of curiosity, how many of you are really excited about this experiment? | 现在,只是出于好奇, 你们有多少人真的对这个实验感到兴奋? |
| 0:39 | No hands went up whatsoever. | 手都不举 |
| 0:42 | And that makes sense, right? | 这有道理,对不对? |
| 0:43 | Because there can be nothing that seems more intimidating or less fun than finding a stranger, | 因为没有什么比找到陌生人更吓人或更不好玩的了 |
展开字幕全文（209 条）
| 序号 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | So, I'm going to ask you to participate in an experiment, which is that when you leave | 所以,我要请你参与一个实验, 那就是当你离开 |
| 2 | this room, when you go out into the world, today, tomorrow, whenever you feel like it, | 这个房间,当你走出去 世界,今天,明天, 无论你喜欢它, |
| 3 | I'd like you to ask and answer one question of someone who's a stranger. | 请师问一问如何是陌生人. |
| 4 | You might meet them on the bus, you might meet them walking down the street, and I'm | 你可能会在巴士上遇到他们, 你可能会遇到他们走在街上,我 |
| 5 | going to show you the question that I'm going to ask you to ask and answer. | 让你看看我要问你的问题 问和回答 |
| 6 | The question is, when was the last time you cried in front of someone? | 问题是 你最后一次在别人面前哭是什么时候? |
| 7 | Now, just out of curiosity, how many of you are really excited about this experiment? | 现在,只是出于好奇, 你们有多少人真的对这个实验感到兴奋? |
| 8 | No hands went up whatsoever. | 手都不举 |
| 9 | And that makes sense, right? | 这有道理,对不对? |
| 10 | Because there can be nothing that seems more intimidating or less fun than finding a stranger, | 因为没有什么比找到陌生人更吓人或更不好玩的了 |
| 11 | asking them when they've cried in front of someone else, and then telling them about | 问他们当着别人的面哭 然后告诉他们 |
| 12 | the time you cried in front of someone else. | 你当着别人的面哭的时候 |
| 13 | But I'm going to try and convince you over the next few minutes that this experiment | 但我会试着说服你 在接下来的几分钟 这个实验 |
| 14 | is not only worth doing, it's worth doing whenever you can, because it will make your | 不仅值得做,它值得做 只要可以,因为它会使你 |
| 15 | life better. | 生活会更好。 |
| 16 | And to explain how I got to this, I have to tell you a little bit of a story about me | 为了解释我是怎么做到的 我必须告诉你一些关于我的故事 |
| 17 | and my wife. | 还有我的妻子 |
| 18 | A few years ago, we got into this bad pattern. | 几年前,我们陷入了这种糟糕的模式。 |
| 19 | We've been married for 20 years, but I would come home from a long day at the office. | 我们已经结婚20年了, 但我会回家 从一个漫长的一天在办公室。 |
| 20 | I was a reporter at the New York Times at that point, and I would start complaining | 当时我是纽约时报的记者 我开始抱怨 |
| 21 | about my day, about how I'm not appreciated enough, and my wife very reasonably would | 关于我的日子,关于我如何 不够感激, 我的妻子会非常合理 |
| 22 | offer me some great advice. | 给我一些伟大的建议。 |
| 23 | She would say something like, why don't you take your boss out to lunch, and you guys | 她会说一些类似的东西, 你为什么不带你的老板出去 午餐,和你们 |
| 24 | can get to know each other a little bit better. | 可以更了解对方 |
| 25 | And instead of being able to hear her, I would get even more upset. | 而不是能听到她的声音 我会更难过 |
| 26 | And I would say things like, why aren't you supporting me? | 我会说一些事情,比如, 你为什么不支持我? |
| 27 | You should be outraged on my behalf. | 你应该为我感到愤慨 |
| 28 | And she would get upset because I was attacking her for giving me good advice. | 她会不高兴 因为我在攻击她 因为给了我好的建议 |
| 29 | This was not ‑‑ anyone ever have an experience like this? | 没有人有过这样的经历吗? |
| 30 | It was not in a good situation. | 情况不妙 |
| 31 | And so I went and I started talking to researchers who were studying communication. | 于是我开始和研究交流的研究人员交谈。 |
| 32 | I asked them, why am I getting into this pattern? | 我问他们,我为什么要进入这种模式? |
| 33 | And they said, well, you're making a mistake. | 他们说 你犯了一个错误 |
| 34 | We're living through this golden age of understanding communication, really for the first time, | 我们生活在这个了解沟通的黄金时代, 真的第一次, |
| 35 | because of advances in neural imaging and data collection. | 由于神经成像和数据收集的进步. |
| 36 | And they said, one of the big things that we've learned is that we tend to think of | 他们说,我们学到的一件大事 就是我们倾向于思考 |
| 37 | a discussion as being just one conversation, right? | 讨论只是一次谈话,对吧? |
| 38 | We're talking about one thing, my day, or the kids' grades, what to have for dinner. | 我们谈论一件事,我的一天, 或者孩子们的成绩, 吃什么晚餐。 |
| 39 | But what they said is that actually each discussion contains many different conversations. | 但他们说,实际上每次讨论都包含许多不同的对话。 |
| 40 | And in general, these conversations tend to fall into one of three buckets. | 而一般来说,这些对话往往会掉入三桶中的一桶. |
| 41 | There's these practical conversations, where we're talking about what's this all about? | 有这些实际的对话, 在那里我们谈论这是怎么回事? |
| 42 | What are we really discussing? | 我们到底在讨论什么? |
| 43 | But then there's emotional conversations, where we're talking about how do we feel? | 但接下来是情感对话, 在那里我们谈论 我们的感受? |
| 44 | And my goal is to share with you my feelings, and I don't want you to solve them. | 我的目标是与你分享我的感受, 我不想你解决它们。 |
| 45 | I want you to empathize. | 我要你同情我 |
| 46 | And then there's conversations that are social conversations, about who we are, the social | 还有社交对话 关于我们是谁,社交 |
| 47 | identities that are important to us, how we relate to each other and how we relate to | 对我们很重要的身份,我们如何相互联系,我们如何联系 |
| 48 | society. | 社会。 |
| 49 | And what the researchers said is what we've learned is that if people having different | 研究人员说,我们学到的是 如果人们有不同的 |
| 50 | conversations at the same moment, they can't really hear each other. | 在同一时刻的对话,他们无法真正听到对方的声音. |
| 51 | They can't really connect. | 他们不能真正连接。 |
| 52 | And in fact, this is exactly what was happening with me and my wife, right? | 事实上,这就是我和我妻子发生的事,对吧? |
| 53 | I was coming home and having an emotional conversation. | 我回到家 并有一个情感谈话。 |
| 54 | My wife was responding with a practical conversation. | 我妻子在回答 一个实际的谈话。 |
| 55 | They are both legitimate conversations. | 他们都是合法的对话。 |
| 56 | But because we weren't having the same conversation at the same moment, we weren't really communicating | 但是,因为我们没有 在同一时刻, 我们没有真正沟通 |
| 57 | with each other. | 与彼诸人. |
| 58 | And within neurology and psychology, this insight is known as the matching principle, | 在神经学和心理学中 这种洞察力被称为匹配原理 |
| 59 | which says that successful communication requires recognizing what kind of conversation is occurring | 说成功沟通需要承认 正在发生什么样的对话 |
| 60 | and then matching each other. | 然后相互匹配。 |
| 61 | But how do we do that? | 但是我们要怎么做呢? |
| 62 | Well, in schools, they've actually taught teachers to do this. | 嗯,在学校里,他们实际上教教师这样做。 |
| 63 | If you are a school teacher, and you'll probably learn at some point that if a student comes | 如果你是学校的老师 你可能会在某个时候学会 如果学生来了 |
| 64 | up to you with a problem or something they want to talk about, you should ask them, do | 有问题或什么他们想谈的 你应该问他们,做 |
| 65 | you want to be helped, which is a practical conversation, do you want to be hugged, which | 你想被帮助,这是一个实际的谈话, 你想被拥抱,这是 |
| 66 | is an emotional conversation, or do you want to be heard, which is a social conversation? | 是一种感情上的谈话, 还是你想被倾听, 这就是社交上的谈话? |
| 67 | And it seems to work. | 似乎还行 |
| 68 | It seems like if you ask students what they need, they'll tell you. | 似乎如果你问学生需要什么 他们会告诉你的 |
| 69 | But of course, that is hard to do in real life, right? | 当然,这在现实生活中是很难做到的,对吧? |
| 70 | If you go up and you ask someone at work if they want to hug, the HR might get involved. | 如果你上楼去问上班的人 他们想拥抱的话 HR可能会介入 |
| 71 | So you might not want to do that. | 所以你可能不想这样做。 |
| 72 | But luckily, there is another way of doing this for all of us normal people, which is | 但幸运的是,还有另一种方式 为我们所有正常人做到这一点,这就是 |
| 73 | to ask questions. | 问问题。 |
| 74 | And in particular, to ask a certain type of question, a special question, what's known | 特别是,问某类问题,一个特别的问题,什么是已知的 |
| 75 | as a deep question. | 作为一个深刻的问题。 |
| 76 | A deep question is something that invites us to talk about our values or our beliefs | 一个很深的问题 是让我们谈论我们的价值观或信仰 |
| 77 | or our experiences. | 或者我们的经历 |
| 78 | And that can sound a little intimidating, but it's actually much easier than it sounds. | 这听起来有点吓人,但实际上比听起来容易得多。 |
| 79 | For instance, instead of asking someone where do you work, you could ask them, what do you | 比如,你不用问别人你在哪里工作, 你可以问他们,你在做什么 |
| 80 | love about your job? | 爱你的工作吗? |
| 81 | Instead of asking someone where did you go to high school, you could say, what was high | 而不是问一个人 你在哪里上高中, 你可以说,什么是高 |
| 82 | school like? | 像学校一样? |
| 83 | Wait, what did you learn there? | 等等,你在那里学到了什么? |
| 84 | What changed you there? | 什么改变了你在那里? |
| 85 | Put differently, instead of asking about the facts of someone's life, we should ask them | 换句话说,与其问别人生活的事实,不如问他们 |
| 86 | how they feel about their life. | 他们对自己生活的感觉 |
| 87 | Because when we do, they tend to reveal to us who they really are. | 因为当我们这样做, 他们倾向于向我们揭示他们的真实身份。 |
| 88 | They tend to tell us what they want not only out of this conversation, but how they hope | 他们往往告诉我们他们想要的 不仅仅是这次谈话,还有他们希望什么 |
| 89 | that we'll see them and how they want to see us. | 我们会看到他们 和他们想看到我们。 |
| 90 | What matters to them most? | 他们最关心的是什么? |
| 91 | In fact, what studies show us is that this is so powerful because these kinds of questions | 事实上,研究告诉我们,这是如此强大的 因为这些问题 |
| 92 | allow us to be vulnerable. | 让我们变得脆弱 |
| 93 | And vulnerability and reciprocal vulnerability. | 以及脆弱性和相互脆弱性。 |
| 94 | When we hear vulnerability and we become vulnerable in return, is the key to allowing us to connect | 当我们听到脆弱和我们变得脆弱 作为回报,是我们连接的关键 |
| 95 | with other people. | 和别人 |
| 96 | And explain how this works. | 并解释如何运作. |
| 97 | I want to tell you a story about this guy, Dr. Bifar Adai. | 我想告诉你关于这个家伙的故事 比法尔·阿代博士 |
| 98 | Dr. Adai is a cancer surgeon in New York City. | 阿黛医生是纽约市的癌症外科医生. |
| 99 | He specializes in prostate cancer, removing prostate tumor, removing cancer tumors from | 他专门研究前列腺癌,去除前列腺肿瘤,去除癌症肿瘤 |
| 100 | And he has this kind of interesting job because every single day a patient will come into | 他有这种有趣的工作 因为每天都有病人来 |
| 101 | his office asking, he thinks, for medical advice. | 他认为,他的办公室请求医疗建议。 |
| 102 | And what he will tell them is, you should not get surgery. | 他会告诉他们,你不应该做手术。 |
| 103 | The prostate is located so close to the nerves that control urination and sexual function | 前列腺离控制小便和性功能的神经很近 |
| 104 | that it's a relatively risky surgery. | 这是一个相对危险的手术。 |
| 105 | And what's more, most prostate tumors, they grow very, very slowly. | 还有,大多数前列腺肿瘤, 它们生长得非常,非常缓慢。 |
| 106 | It's actually one of the slowest growing forms of cancer in existence. | 它实际上是现存最慢的生长型癌症之一. |
| 107 | There's a saying among doctors that if you have an old patient with prostate cancer, | 医生们有句话说 如果你有一个前列腺癌的老病人 |
| 108 | he's going to die of old age before the cancer kills him. | 他将会在癌症杀死他之前死于老年。 |
| 109 | And so Dr. Adai would have these patients come in and he would tell them, look, I don't | 所以Adai医生会让这些病人进来 他会告诉他们,你看,我不 |
| 110 | think you should do anything. | 认为你应该做任何事情。 |
| 111 | In fact, I think you should do this thing called active surveillance. | 事实上,我觉得你应该 做这个叫做主动监视的东西。 |
| 112 | What we're going to do is we're going to take a blood sample every six months. | 我们要做的是 每六个月抽血一次 |
| 113 | We're going to do a biopsy every two years. | 我们每两年做一次活体检查 |
| 114 | And if the tumor seems to change, we'll do an MRI. | 如果肿瘤看起来变了 我们会做核磁共振 |
| 115 | And if we have to, we can do the surgery. | 如果有必要,我们可以做手术。 |
| 116 | But otherwise, no radiation, no surgery. | 否则,没有辐射,没有手术 |
| 117 | It's going to be OK. | 会没事的 |
| 118 | And these patients would listen to him and then they would go home and they would discuss | 这些病人会听他的 然后回家讨论 |
| 119 | it with their spouse. | 和他们的配偶在一起 |
| 120 | And then they would walk in the next day and they would insist on having the surgery. | 然后,他们会在第二天步行 他们坚持进行手术。 |
| 121 | They would say, I absolutely want you to cut me open, take the tumor out as fast as possible. | 他们会说,我绝对希望你把我切开 尽快把肿瘤取出来 |
| 122 | And for Dr. Adai, this was bewildering, right? | 对Adai医生来说,这太不可思议了,对吧? |
| 123 | He thought these would be the easiest conversations of his life. | 他认为这是他一生中最简单的谈话. |
| 124 | He's telling people that they don't have to have surgery and he's a surgeon. | 他告诉人们,他们不必做手术,他是一个外科医生. |
| 125 | He told me that when this happens again and again and again, you start to realize this | 他告诉我,当这种情况 一再发生,你开始意识到这一点 |
| 126 | isn't a problem with my patients. | 我的病人没有问题 |
| 127 | This is a problem with me. | 这对我来说是个问题。 |
| 128 | I'm doing something wrong. | 我做错什么了 |
| 129 | And so he goes to these folks, these professors at the Harvard Business School, and he asks | 所以他去找这些人, 哈佛商学院的教授, 他问 |
| 130 | them for advice on what to do differently. | 他们建议怎样做。 |
| 131 | And they said, well, look, the biggest mistake that you're making is you are starting this | 他们说,你看,你最大的错误是 你开始这个 |
| 132 | conversation all wrong. | 谈话都错了 |
| 133 | You are starting by assuming that the patient walks into your room, into your exam room | 你从假设病人走进你的房间 进入你的检查室开始 |
| 134 | looking for advice and looking for medical solutions. | 寻求建议和医疗解决方案。 |
| 135 | But you don't know if that's true. | 但你不知道这是不是真的 |
| 136 | You're not asking them any questions. | 你没有问他们任何问题。 |
| 137 | What you need to do is you need to start asking deep questions. | 你需要做的是,你需要开始问 深刻的问题。 |
| 138 | So two weeks later, after having this conversation, a 62-year-old man comes into Dr. Adai's office | 两周后,经过这次谈话,一个62岁的男子来到Adai医生的办公室 |
| 139 | for the first time. | 这是第一次 |
| 140 | He had just gotten his diagnosis of having prostate cancer. | 他刚刚被诊断患有前列腺癌 |
| 141 | And Dr. Adai, instead of giving him advice, instead of telling him what he ought to do, | 和博士阿代,而不是给他的建议, 而不是告诉他应该做什么, |
| 142 | he asks the question. | 他问问题。 |
| 143 | He asks the question, what does this cancer diagnosis mean to you? | 他问,这个癌症诊断对你意味着什么? |
| 144 | And the man starts talking, and he starts talking about how his father had died when | 他开始谈论他父亲的死因 |
| 145 | he was 17 years old. | 他17岁 |
| 146 | And this had just been so hard for him, and it had been so hard for his mom. | 这对他来说太难了 对他妈妈来说也太难了 |
| 147 | And then he starts talking about his grandchildren and his fears for the world they're inheriting, | 然后他开始谈论他的孙子和 他对继承的世界的恐惧, |
| 148 | what with climate change and everything else that's going on. | 与气候变化和所有其它事情。 |
| 149 | Dr. Adai had expected this guy to at least bring up cancer, to at least mention mortality | Adai医生预计这家伙至少会患上癌症 至少提到死亡率 |
| 150 | or pain, but it never came up. | 或痛苦,但从来没有出现。 |
| 151 | And at that moment, Dr. Adai realized, because he had asked this deep question, that this | 而此时,阿代博士意识到,因为他问了这个很深的问题, |
| 152 | man wanted to have an emotional conversation. | 男人想有一个情感对话。 |
| 153 | He wanted to talk about how do we feel. | 他想谈谈我们的感受 |
| 154 | He needed to be hugged. | 他需要被拥抱。 |
| 155 | And so Dr. Adai didn't actually hug him, but he did the verbal equivalent. | 所以Adai医生并没有真正拥抱他, 但他做了相当于口头的。 |
| 156 | And then Dr. Adai says, look, do you mind? | 然后Adai医生说,你介意吗? |
| 157 | There's some medical options I'd like to talk over with you. | 有一些医学选择 我想和你谈谈。 |
| 158 | Is that OK? | 可以吗? |
| 159 | And they move into a practical conversation together, and within seven more minutes, the | 他们一起开始实际对话, 再过7分钟, |
| 160 | man decides to do active surveillance and never looks back. | 男人决定主动监视 永远不要回头 |
| 161 | Dr. Adai's patients overwhelmingly now opt for active surveillance, his advice, because | Adai医生的病人现在绝大多数选择主动监视 他的建议 因为 |
| 162 | of this approach. | (b) 采用本办法。 |
| 163 | And the thing is, we can do this in any conversation. | 问题是,我们可以在任何谈话中做到这一点。 |
| 164 | It doesn't have to be an important conversation. | 这不一定是一个重要的谈话 |
| 165 | It doesn't have to be life or death. | 不须生死. |
| 166 | We can always connect more and better and in a really profound way with the person that | 我们总是能以更深刻的方式 与那个 |
| 167 | we're speaking to if we want to. | 我们说话,如果我们想。 |
| 168 | Which brings me back to that experiment. | 这让我回到那个实验。 |
| 169 | So just to remind you what you're supposed to do, walk out of the room, find a stranger, | 所以为了提醒你 你该做什么 走出房间 找个陌生人 |
| 170 | ask them, when was the last time you cried in front of someone? | 问他们 你最后一次在别人面前哭是什么时候? |
| 171 | And then as soon as they answer, you answer the question yourself and you tell them when | 然后,一旦他们回答, 你回答的问题你自己 并告诉他们何时 |
| 172 | you last cried. | 你上次哭的时候 |
| 173 | Let me just say, this experiment has been done thousands and thousands of times, most | 我只能说,这个实验 已经做上千次了,大多数 |
| 174 | notably by a guy named Nick Epley at the University of Chicago. | 特别是芝加哥大学的一个叫尼克·埃普利的家伙 |
| 175 | People hate this experiment. | 人们讨厌这个实验。 |
| 176 | Nobody who participates comes in and is like, I'm really looking, this is going to be a | 没有人参与进来,就像, 我真的在看,这将是一个 |
| 177 | great time. | 伟大的时间。 |
| 178 | Instead, what they say is, I do not want to do this. | 相反,他们说,我不想这样做。 |
| 179 | This sounds terrible. | 这听起来很可怕。 |
| 180 | But they're in an experiment and they basically have to do it, right? | 但他们在实验中 他们基本上必须这样做,对不对? |
| 181 | They're in the room. | 他们在房间里 |
| 182 | They get paired with a partner. | 他们和一个搭档配对 |
| 183 | They go and they ask a question, ask an answer. | 他们去问一个问题,问一个答案。 |
| 184 | And then Nick Epley afterwards asks them, what was that like? | 然后Nick Epley问他们,那是什么感觉? |
| 185 | And what people say are things like, oh, my gosh, I felt so connected to that person. | 人们说的就是,哦,我的天啊, 我觉得和那个人有如此的关联。 |
| 186 | More connected than to people in other conversations in a while. | 在一段时间里,与其他对话中的人相比,联系更多. |
| 187 | I felt more caring towards them and I felt like they were really caring about me. | 我觉得更关心他们 我觉得他们真的很关心我 |
| 188 | So why? | 为什么? |
| 189 | Why is this so powerful? | 为什么这么强大? |
| 190 | Why is asking this question, why does it help us connect so well? | 为什么问这个问题,它为什么帮助我们如此连接? |
| 191 | Because it's a deep question. | 因甚深问. |
| 192 | It allows us to say something real. | 它允许我们说一些真实的话。 |
| 193 | And when we ask deep questions, we figure out which of the three conversations we're | 当我们问到深层问题时,我们找出我们三个对话中的哪个 |
| 194 | in, what we're talking about, what everyone really wants out of this dialogue. | 里面,我们在谈论什么, 每个人都真正想要 从这个对话。 |
| 195 | And that is how we connect with each other. | 这就是我们彼此联系的方式。 |
| 196 | We are living through a time of polarization and division. | 我们生活在两极分化和分裂的时代。 |
| 197 | We have forgotten how to have conversations. | 我们忘记了如何对话。 |
| 198 | But there's a science to it. | 但有学问. |
| 199 | There are these folks who are known as super communicators who, they are not special, they're | 这些人被称为超级通讯员 他们并不特别 |
| 200 | not more charismatic or they're not more outgoing than anyone else. | 没有比别人更有魅力 也没有比别人更有前途 |
| 201 | They've just learned skills that allow us to connect with others. | 他们刚刚学会了能让我们与其他人联系的技能. |
| 202 | And they're skills that all of us can learn. | 这些都是我们所有人都能学习的技能。 |
| 203 | And that feeling you get after a wonderful conversation, that glow that you experience, | 和你得到的感觉 经过美妙的谈话, 和光辉,你经历, |
| 204 | our brains have evolved to give us that. | 我们的大脑已经进化 给我们。 |
| 205 | To crave connection. | 欲求联系. |
| 206 | So I hope you go out, I hope you find a stranger, and I hope you tell them all about the last | 所以我希望你出去,我希望你找到一个陌生人, 我希望你告诉他们所有关于最后 |
| 207 | time you cried in front of another person. | 你当着别人的面哭了 |
| 208 | And then tell me how it went. | 然后告诉我情况如何。 |
| 209 | Thanks. | 谢谢 |
该视频共有字幕 209 条。解锁更多字幕为会员功能，请移动到 价格
P2 · 大幅提升对话质量的科学原理【TED演讲】 p02 最新外挂版本 (P2)
字幕摘录
| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| 0:05 | So, I'm going to ask you to participate in an experiment, which is that when you leave | 所以,我要请你参与一个实验, 那就是当你离开 |
| 0:11 | this room, when you go out into the world, today, tomorrow, whenever you feel like it, | 这个房间,当你走出去 世界,今天,明天, 无论你喜欢它, |
| 0:16 | I'd like you to ask and answer one question of someone who's a stranger. | 请师问一问如何是陌生人. |
| 0:22 | You might meet them on the bus, you might meet them walking down the street, and I'm | 你可能会在巴士上遇到他们, 你可能会遇到他们走在街上,我 |
| 0:25 | going to show you the question that I'm going to ask you to ask and answer. | 让你看看我要问你的问题 问和回答 |
| 0:28 | The question is, when was the last time you cried in front of someone? | 问题是 你最后一次在别人面前哭是什么时候? |
| 0:34 | Now, just out of curiosity, how many of you are really excited about this experiment? | 现在,只是出于好奇, 你们有多少人真的对这个实验感到兴奋? |
| 0:39 | No hands went up whatsoever. | 手都不举 |
| 0:42 | And that makes sense, right? | 这有道理,对不对? |
| 0:43 | Because there can be nothing that seems more intimidating or less fun than finding a stranger, | 因为没有什么比找到陌生人更吓人或更不好玩的了 |
展开字幕全文（209 条）
| 序号 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | So, I'm going to ask you to participate in an experiment, which is that when you leave | 所以,我要请你参与一个实验, 那就是当你离开 |
| 2 | this room, when you go out into the world, today, tomorrow, whenever you feel like it, | 这个房间,当你走出去 世界,今天,明天, 无论你喜欢它, |
| 3 | I'd like you to ask and answer one question of someone who's a stranger. | 请师问一问如何是陌生人. |
| 4 | You might meet them on the bus, you might meet them walking down the street, and I'm | 你可能会在巴士上遇到他们, 你可能会遇到他们走在街上,我 |
| 5 | going to show you the question that I'm going to ask you to ask and answer. | 让你看看我要问你的问题 问和回答 |
| 6 | The question is, when was the last time you cried in front of someone? | 问题是 你最后一次在别人面前哭是什么时候? |
| 7 | Now, just out of curiosity, how many of you are really excited about this experiment? | 现在,只是出于好奇, 你们有多少人真的对这个实验感到兴奋? |
| 8 | No hands went up whatsoever. | 手都不举 |
| 9 | And that makes sense, right? | 这有道理,对不对? |
| 10 | Because there can be nothing that seems more intimidating or less fun than finding a stranger, | 因为没有什么比找到陌生人更吓人或更不好玩的了 |
| 11 | asking them when they've cried in front of someone else, and then telling them about | 问他们当着别人的面哭 然后告诉他们 |
| 12 | the time you cried in front of someone else. | 你当着别人的面哭的时候 |
| 13 | But I'm going to try and convince you over the next few minutes that this experiment | 但我会试着说服你 在接下来的几分钟 这个实验 |
| 14 | is not only worth doing, it's worth doing whenever you can, because it will make your | 不仅值得做,它值得做 只要可以,因为它会使你 |
| 15 | life better. | 生活会更好。 |
| 16 | And to explain how I got to this, I have to tell you a little bit of a story about me | 为了解释我是怎么做到的 我必须告诉你一些关于我的故事 |
| 17 | and my wife. | 还有我的妻子 |
| 18 | A few years ago, we got into this bad pattern. | 几年前,我们陷入了这种糟糕的模式。 |
| 19 | We've been married for 20 years, but I would come home from a long day at the office. | 我们已经结婚20年了, 但我会回家 从一个漫长的一天在办公室。 |
| 20 | I was a reporter at the New York Times at that point, and I would start complaining | 当时我是纽约时报的记者 我开始抱怨 |
| 21 | about my day, about how I'm not appreciated enough, and my wife very reasonably would | 关于我的日子,关于我如何 不够感激, 我的妻子会非常合理 |
| 22 | offer me some great advice. | 给我一些伟大的建议。 |
| 23 | She would say something like, why don't you take your boss out to lunch, and you guys | 她会说一些类似的东西, 你为什么不带你的老板出去 午餐,和你们 |
| 24 | can get to know each other a little bit better. | 可以更了解对方 |
| 25 | And instead of being able to hear her, I would get even more upset. | 而不是能听到她的声音 我会更难过 |
| 26 | And I would say things like, why aren't you supporting me? | 我会说一些事情,比如, 你为什么不支持我? |
| 27 | You should be outraged on my behalf. | 你应该为我感到愤慨 |
| 28 | And she would get upset because I was attacking her for giving me good advice. | 她会不高兴 因为我在攻击她 因为给了我好的建议 |
| 29 | This was not ‑‑ anyone ever have an experience like this? | 没有人有过这样的经历吗? |
| 30 | It was not in a good situation. | 情况不妙 |
| 31 | And so I went and I started talking to researchers who were studying communication. | 于是我开始和研究交流的研究人员交谈。 |
| 32 | I asked them, why am I getting into this pattern? | 我问他们,我为什么要进入这种模式? |
| 33 | And they said, well, you're making a mistake. | 他们说 你犯了一个错误 |
| 34 | We're living through this golden age of understanding communication, really for the first time, | 我们生活在这个了解沟通的黄金时代, 真的第一次, |
| 35 | because of advances in neural imaging and data collection. | 由于神经成像和数据收集的进步. |
| 36 | And they said, one of the big things that we've learned is that we tend to think of | 他们说,我们学到的一件大事 就是我们倾向于思考 |
| 37 | a discussion as being just one conversation, right? | 讨论只是一次谈话,对吧? |
| 38 | We're talking about one thing, my day, or the kids' grades, what to have for dinner. | 我们谈论一件事,我的一天, 或者孩子们的成绩, 吃什么晚餐。 |
| 39 | But what they said is that actually each discussion contains many different conversations. | 但他们说,实际上每次讨论都包含许多不同的对话。 |
| 40 | And in general, these conversations tend to fall into one of three buckets. | 而一般来说,这些对话往往会掉入三桶中的一桶. |
| 41 | There's these practical conversations, where we're talking about what's this all about? | 有这些实际的对话, 在那里我们谈论这是怎么回事? |
| 42 | What are we really discussing? | 我们到底在讨论什么? |
| 43 | But then there's emotional conversations, where we're talking about how do we feel? | 但接下来是情感对话, 在那里我们谈论 我们的感受? |
| 44 | And my goal is to share with you my feelings, and I don't want you to solve them. | 我的目标是与你分享我的感受, 我不想你解决它们。 |
| 45 | I want you to empathize. | 我要你同情我 |
| 46 | And then there's conversations that are social conversations, about who we are, the social | 还有社交对话 关于我们是谁,社交 |
| 47 | identities that are important to us, how we relate to each other and how we relate to | 对我们很重要的身份,我们如何相互联系,我们如何联系 |
| 48 | society. | 社会。 |
| 49 | And what the researchers said is what we've learned is that if people having different | 研究人员说,我们学到的是 如果人们有不同的 |
| 50 | conversations at the same moment, they can't really hear each other. | 在同一时刻的对话,他们无法真正听到对方的声音. |
| 51 | They can't really connect. | 他们不能真正连接。 |
| 52 | And in fact, this is exactly what was happening with me and my wife, right? | 事实上,这就是我和我妻子发生的事,对吧? |
| 53 | I was coming home and having an emotional conversation. | 我回到家 并有一个情感谈话。 |
| 54 | My wife was responding with a practical conversation. | 我妻子在回答 一个实际的谈话。 |
| 55 | They are both legitimate conversations. | 他们都是合法的对话。 |
| 56 | But because we weren't having the same conversation at the same moment, we weren't really communicating | 但是,因为我们没有 在同一时刻, 我们没有真正沟通 |
| 57 | with each other. | 与彼诸人. |
| 58 | And within neurology and psychology, this insight is known as the matching principle, | 在神经学和心理学中 这种洞察力被称为匹配原理 |
| 59 | which says that successful communication requires recognizing what kind of conversation is occurring | 说成功沟通需要承认 正在发生什么样的对话 |
| 60 | and then matching each other. | 然后相互匹配。 |
| 61 | But how do we do that? | 但是我们要怎么做呢? |
| 62 | Well, in schools, they've actually taught teachers to do this. | 嗯,在学校里,他们实际上教教师这样做。 |
| 63 | If you are a school teacher, and you'll probably learn at some point that if a student comes | 如果你是学校的老师 你可能会在某个时候学会 如果学生来了 |
| 64 | up to you with a problem or something they want to talk about, you should ask them, do | 有问题或什么他们想谈的 你应该问他们,做 |
| 65 | you want to be helped, which is a practical conversation, do you want to be hugged, which | 你想被帮助,这是一个实际的谈话, 你想被拥抱,这是 |
| 66 | is an emotional conversation, or do you want to be heard, which is a social conversation? | 是一种感情上的谈话, 还是你想被倾听, 这就是社交上的谈话? |
| 67 | And it seems to work. | 似乎还行 |
| 68 | It seems like if you ask students what they need, they'll tell you. | 似乎如果你问学生需要什么 他们会告诉你的 |
| 69 | But of course, that is hard to do in real life, right? | 当然,这在现实生活中是很难做到的,对吧? |
| 70 | If you go up and you ask someone at work if they want to hug, the HR might get involved. | 如果你上楼去问上班的人 他们想拥抱的话 HR可能会介入 |
| 71 | So you might not want to do that. | 所以你可能不想这样做。 |
| 72 | But luckily, there is another way of doing this for all of us normal people, which is | 但幸运的是,还有另一种方式 为我们所有正常人做到这一点,这就是 |
| 73 | to ask questions. | 问问题。 |
| 74 | And in particular, to ask a certain type of question, a special question, what's known | 特别是,问某类问题,一个特别的问题,什么是已知的 |
| 75 | as a deep question. | 作为一个深刻的问题。 |
| 76 | A deep question is something that invites us to talk about our values or our beliefs | 一个很深的问题 是让我们谈论我们的价值观或信仰 |
| 77 | or our experiences. | 或者我们的经历 |
| 78 | And that can sound a little intimidating, but it's actually much easier than it sounds. | 这听起来有点吓人,但实际上比听起来容易得多。 |
| 79 | For instance, instead of asking someone where do you work, you could ask them, what do you | 比如,你不用问别人你在哪里工作, 你可以问他们,你在做什么 |
| 80 | love about your job? | 爱你的工作吗? |
| 81 | Instead of asking someone where did you go to high school, you could say, what was high | 而不是问一个人 你在哪里上高中, 你可以说,什么是高 |
| 82 | school like? | 像学校一样? |
| 83 | Wait, what did you learn there? | 等等,你在那里学到了什么? |
| 84 | What changed you there? | 什么改变了你在那里? |
| 85 | Put differently, instead of asking about the facts of someone's life, we should ask them | 换句话说,与其问别人生活的事实,不如问他们 |
| 86 | how they feel about their life. | 他们对自己生活的感觉 |
| 87 | Because when we do, they tend to reveal to us who they really are. | 因为当我们这样做, 他们倾向于向我们揭示他们的真实身份。 |
| 88 | They tend to tell us what they want not only out of this conversation, but how they hope | 他们往往告诉我们他们想要的 不仅仅是这次谈话,还有他们希望什么 |
| 89 | that we'll see them and how they want to see us. | 我们会看到他们 和他们想看到我们。 |
| 90 | What matters to them most? | 他们最关心的是什么? |
| 91 | In fact, what studies show us is that this is so powerful because these kinds of questions | 事实上,研究告诉我们,这是如此强大的 因为这些问题 |
| 92 | allow us to be vulnerable. | 让我们变得脆弱 |
| 93 | And vulnerability and reciprocal vulnerability. | 以及脆弱性和相互脆弱性。 |
| 94 | When we hear vulnerability and we become vulnerable in return, is the key to allowing us to connect | 当我们听到脆弱和我们变得脆弱 作为回报,是我们连接的关键 |
| 95 | with other people. | 和别人 |
| 96 | And explain how this works. | 并解释如何运作. |
| 97 | I want to tell you a story about this guy, Dr. Bifar Adai. | 我想告诉你关于这个家伙的故事 比法尔·阿代博士 |
| 98 | Dr. Adai is a cancer surgeon in New York City. | 阿黛医生是纽约市的癌症外科医生. |
| 99 | He specializes in prostate cancer, removing prostate tumor, removing cancer tumors from | 他专门研究前列腺癌,去除前列腺肿瘤,去除癌症肿瘤 |
| 100 | And he has this kind of interesting job because every single day a patient will come into | 他有这种有趣的工作 因为每天都有病人来 |
| 101 | his office asking, he thinks, for medical advice. | 他认为,他的办公室请求医疗建议。 |
| 102 | And what he will tell them is, you should not get surgery. | 他会告诉他们,你不应该做手术。 |
| 103 | The prostate is located so close to the nerves that control urination and sexual function | 前列腺离控制小便和性功能的神经很近 |
| 104 | that it's a relatively risky surgery. | 这是一个相对危险的手术。 |
| 105 | And what's more, most prostate tumors, they grow very, very slowly. | 还有,大多数前列腺肿瘤, 它们生长得非常,非常缓慢。 |
| 106 | It's actually one of the slowest growing forms of cancer in existence. | 它实际上是现存最慢的生长型癌症之一. |
| 107 | There's a saying among doctors that if you have an old patient with prostate cancer, | 医生们有句话说 如果你有一个前列腺癌的老病人 |
| 108 | he's going to die of old age before the cancer kills him. | 他将会在癌症杀死他之前死于老年。 |
| 109 | And so Dr. Adai would have these patients come in and he would tell them, look, I don't | 所以Adai医生会让这些病人进来 他会告诉他们,你看,我不 |
| 110 | think you should do anything. | 认为你应该做任何事情。 |
| 111 | In fact, I think you should do this thing called active surveillance. | 事实上,我觉得你应该 做这个叫做主动监视的东西。 |
| 112 | What we're going to do is we're going to take a blood sample every six months. | 我们要做的是 每六个月抽血一次 |
| 113 | We're going to do a biopsy every two years. | 我们每两年做一次活体检查 |
| 114 | And if the tumor seems to change, we'll do an MRI. | 如果肿瘤看起来变了 我们会做核磁共振 |
| 115 | And if we have to, we can do the surgery. | 如果有必要,我们可以做手术。 |
| 116 | But otherwise, no radiation, no surgery. | 否则,没有辐射,没有手术 |
| 117 | It's going to be OK. | 会没事的 |
| 118 | And these patients would listen to him and then they would go home and they would discuss | 这些病人会听他的 然后回家讨论 |
| 119 | it with their spouse. | 和他们的配偶在一起 |
| 120 | And then they would walk in the next day and they would insist on having the surgery. | 然后,他们会在第二天步行 他们坚持进行手术。 |
| 121 | They would say, I absolutely want you to cut me open, take the tumor out as fast as possible. | 他们会说,我绝对希望你把我切开 尽快把肿瘤取出来 |
| 122 | And for Dr. Adai, this was bewildering, right? | 对Adai医生来说,这太不可思议了,对吧? |
| 123 | He thought these would be the easiest conversations of his life. | 他认为这是他一生中最简单的谈话. |
| 124 | He's telling people that they don't have to have surgery and he's a surgeon. | 他告诉人们,他们不必做手术,他是一个外科医生. |
| 125 | He told me that when this happens again and again and again, you start to realize this | 他告诉我,当这种情况 一再发生,你开始意识到这一点 |
| 126 | isn't a problem with my patients. | 我的病人没有问题 |
| 127 | This is a problem with me. | 这对我来说是个问题。 |
| 128 | I'm doing something wrong. | 我做错什么了 |
| 129 | And so he goes to these folks, these professors at the Harvard Business School, and he asks | 所以他去找这些人, 哈佛商学院的教授, 他问 |
| 130 | them for advice on what to do differently. | 他们建议怎样做。 |
| 131 | And they said, well, look, the biggest mistake that you're making is you are starting this | 他们说,你看,你最大的错误是 你开始这个 |
| 132 | conversation all wrong. | 谈话都错了 |
| 133 | You are starting by assuming that the patient walks into your room, into your exam room | 你从假设病人走进你的房间 进入你的检查室开始 |
| 134 | looking for advice and looking for medical solutions. | 寻求建议和医疗解决方案。 |
| 135 | But you don't know if that's true. | 但你不知道这是不是真的 |
| 136 | You're not asking them any questions. | 你没有问他们任何问题。 |
| 137 | What you need to do is you need to start asking deep questions. | 你需要做的是,你需要开始问 深刻的问题。 |
| 138 | So two weeks later, after having this conversation, a 62-year-old man comes into Dr. Adai's office | 两周后,经过这次谈话,一个62岁的男子来到Adai医生的办公室 |
| 139 | for the first time. | 这是第一次 |
| 140 | He had just gotten his diagnosis of having prostate cancer. | 他刚刚被诊断患有前列腺癌 |
| 141 | And Dr. Adai, instead of giving him advice, instead of telling him what he ought to do, | 和博士阿代,而不是给他的建议, 而不是告诉他应该做什么, |
| 142 | he asks the question. | 他问问题。 |
| 143 | He asks the question, what does this cancer diagnosis mean to you? | 他问,这个癌症诊断对你意味着什么? |
| 144 | And the man starts talking, and he starts talking about how his father had died when | 他开始谈论他父亲的死因 |
| 145 | he was 17 years old. | 他17岁 |
| 146 | And this had just been so hard for him, and it had been so hard for his mom. | 这对他来说太难了 对他妈妈来说也太难了 |
| 147 | And then he starts talking about his grandchildren and his fears for the world they're inheriting, | 然后他开始谈论他的孙子和 他对继承的世界的恐惧, |
| 148 | what with climate change and everything else that's going on. | 与气候变化和所有其它事情。 |
| 149 | Dr. Adai had expected this guy to at least bring up cancer, to at least mention mortality | Adai医生预计这家伙至少会患上癌症 至少提到死亡率 |
| 150 | or pain, but it never came up. | 或痛苦,但从来没有出现。 |
| 151 | And at that moment, Dr. Adai realized, because he had asked this deep question, that this | 而此时,阿代博士意识到,因为他问了这个很深的问题, |
| 152 | man wanted to have an emotional conversation. | 男人想有一个情感对话。 |
| 153 | He wanted to talk about how do we feel. | 他想谈谈我们的感受 |
| 154 | He needed to be hugged. | 他需要被拥抱。 |
| 155 | And so Dr. Adai didn't actually hug him, but he did the verbal equivalent. | 所以Adai医生并没有真正拥抱他, 但他做了相当于口头的。 |
| 156 | And then Dr. Adai says, look, do you mind? | 然后Adai医生说,你介意吗? |
| 157 | There's some medical options I'd like to talk over with you. | 有一些医学选择 我想和你谈谈。 |
| 158 | Is that OK? | 可以吗? |
| 159 | And they move into a practical conversation together, and within seven more minutes, the | 他们一起开始实际对话, 再过7分钟, |
| 160 | man decides to do active surveillance and never looks back. | 男人决定主动监视 永远不要回头 |
| 161 | Dr. Adai's patients overwhelmingly now opt for active surveillance, his advice, because | Adai医生的病人现在绝大多数选择主动监视 他的建议 因为 |
| 162 | of this approach. | (b) 采用本办法。 |
| 163 | And the thing is, we can do this in any conversation. | 问题是,我们可以在任何谈话中做到这一点。 |
| 164 | It doesn't have to be an important conversation. | 这不一定是一个重要的谈话 |
| 165 | It doesn't have to be life or death. | 不须生死. |
| 166 | We can always connect more and better and in a really profound way with the person that | 我们总是能以更深刻的方式 与那个 |
| 167 | we're speaking to if we want to. | 我们说话,如果我们想。 |
| 168 | Which brings me back to that experiment. | 这让我回到那个实验。 |
| 169 | So just to remind you what you're supposed to do, walk out of the room, find a stranger, | 所以为了提醒你 你该做什么 走出房间 找个陌生人 |
| 170 | ask them, when was the last time you cried in front of someone? | 问他们 你最后一次在别人面前哭是什么时候? |
| 171 | And then as soon as they answer, you answer the question yourself and you tell them when | 然后,一旦他们回答, 你回答的问题你自己 并告诉他们何时 |
| 172 | you last cried. | 你上次哭的时候 |
| 173 | Let me just say, this experiment has been done thousands and thousands of times, most | 我只能说,这个实验 已经做上千次了,大多数 |
| 174 | notably by a guy named Nick Epley at the University of Chicago. | 特别是芝加哥大学的一个叫尼克·埃普利的家伙 |
| 175 | People hate this experiment. | 人们讨厌这个实验。 |
| 176 | Nobody who participates comes in and is like, I'm really looking, this is going to be a | 没有人参与进来,就像, 我真的在看,这将是一个 |
| 177 | great time. | 伟大的时间。 |
| 178 | Instead, what they say is, I do not want to do this. | 相反,他们说,我不想这样做。 |
| 179 | This sounds terrible. | 这听起来很可怕。 |
| 180 | But they're in an experiment and they basically have to do it, right? | 但他们在实验中 他们基本上必须这样做,对不对? |
| 181 | They're in the room. | 他们在房间里 |
| 182 | They get paired with a partner. | 他们和一个搭档配对 |
| 183 | They go and they ask a question, ask an answer. | 他们去问一个问题,问一个答案。 |
| 184 | And then Nick Epley afterwards asks them, what was that like? | 然后Nick Epley问他们,那是什么感觉? |
| 185 | And what people say are things like, oh, my gosh, I felt so connected to that person. | 人们说的就是,哦,我的天啊, 我觉得和那个人有如此的关联。 |
| 186 | More connected than to people in other conversations in a while. | 在一段时间里,与其他对话中的人相比,联系更多. |
| 187 | I felt more caring towards them and I felt like they were really caring about me. | 我觉得更关心他们 我觉得他们真的很关心我 |
| 188 | So why? | 为什么? |
| 189 | Why is this so powerful? | 为什么这么强大? |
| 190 | Why is asking this question, why does it help us connect so well? | 为什么问这个问题,它为什么帮助我们如此连接? |
| 191 | Because it's a deep question. | 因甚深问. |
| 192 | It allows us to say something real. | 它允许我们说一些真实的话。 |
| 193 | And when we ask deep questions, we figure out which of the three conversations we're | 当我们问到深层问题时,我们找出我们三个对话中的哪个 |
| 194 | in, what we're talking about, what everyone really wants out of this dialogue. | 里面,我们在谈论什么, 每个人都真正想要 从这个对话。 |
| 195 | And that is how we connect with each other. | 这就是我们彼此联系的方式。 |
| 196 | We are living through a time of polarization and division. | 我们生活在两极分化和分裂的时代。 |
| 197 | We have forgotten how to have conversations. | 我们忘记了如何对话。 |
| 198 | But there's a science to it. | 但有学问. |
| 199 | There are these folks who are known as super communicators who, they are not special, they're | 这些人被称为超级通讯员 他们并不特别 |
| 200 | not more charismatic or they're not more outgoing than anyone else. | 没有比别人更有魅力 也没有比别人更有前途 |
| 201 | They've just learned skills that allow us to connect with others. | 他们刚刚学会了能让我们与其他人联系的技能. |
| 202 | And they're skills that all of us can learn. | 这些都是我们所有人都能学习的技能。 |
| 203 | And that feeling you get after a wonderful conversation, that glow that you experience, | 和你得到的感觉 经过美妙的谈话, 和光辉,你经历, |
| 204 | our brains have evolved to give us that. | 我们的大脑已经进化 给我们。 |
| 205 | To crave connection. | 欲求联系. |
| 206 | So I hope you go out, I hope you find a stranger, and I hope you tell them all about the last | 所以我希望你出去,我希望你找到一个陌生人, 我希望你告诉他们所有关于最后 |
| 207 | time you cried in front of another person. | 你当着别人的面哭了 |
| 208 | And then tell me how it went. | 然后告诉我情况如何。 |
| 209 | Thanks. | 谢谢 |
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