你总在感情里患得患失、把关系搞砸？｜阿兰·德波顿：为何我们难
字幕摘录
| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| 0:00 | All mental illness ultimately has to do with a shortfall of love. | 所有精神疾病最终都与爱的不足有关. |
| 0:04 | Everybody's in an institution, everybody who's struggling with their mental health, etc. | 每个人都在精神病院里, 每个人在为自己的精神健康而挣扎,等等。 |
| 0:08 | It can all be traced, very crudely with a marker pen, to incidents in childhood when there was a deficiency of love. | 这一切都可以追溯到童年时的爱情不足。 |
| 0:15 | Love literally helps to heal the mind. | 爱字面上有助于治愈心灵. |
| 0:18 | All those manoeuvres of mind that we associate with health are essentially the gifts of love. | 我们与健康相关的所有这些思维动作,本质上是爱的礼物。 |
| 0:32 | Thank you. | 谢谢 |
| 0:33 | Thank you very much. | 谢谢 |
| 0:34 | In saying that love is more than magic, what we're really hinting at is the idea that it's a subject which enters philosophy. | 在说爱不仅仅是魔法时,我们真正暗示的就是它是一个进入哲学的学科. |
| 0:41 | It is a subject on which we can reflect logically. | 这是一个我们可以逻辑地思考的问题。 |
| 0:45 | But a little caveat here. | 但这里有一点提醒。 |
展开字幕全文（301 条）
| 序号 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | All mental illness ultimately has to do with a shortfall of love. | 所有精神疾病最终都与爱的不足有关. |
| 2 | Everybody's in an institution, everybody who's struggling with their mental health, etc. | 每个人都在精神病院里, 每个人在为自己的精神健康而挣扎,等等。 |
| 3 | It can all be traced, very crudely with a marker pen, to incidents in childhood when there was a deficiency of love. | 这一切都可以追溯到童年时的爱情不足。 |
| 4 | Love literally helps to heal the mind. | 爱字面上有助于治愈心灵. |
| 5 | All those manoeuvres of mind that we associate with health are essentially the gifts of love. | 我们与健康相关的所有这些思维动作,本质上是爱的礼物。 |
| 6 | Thank you. | 谢谢 |
| 7 | Thank you very much. | 谢谢 |
| 8 | In saying that love is more than magic, what we're really hinting at is the idea that it's a subject which enters philosophy. | 在说爱不仅仅是魔法时,我们真正暗示的就是它是一个进入哲学的学科. |
| 9 | It is a subject on which we can reflect logically. | 这是一个我们可以逻辑地思考的问题。 |
| 10 | But a little caveat here. | 但这里有一点提醒。 |
| 11 | We might think, well, what is the person, what is the nature of the person who has reflected logically on love? | 我们也许会想, 那么,什么是人,什么是人的性质 谁从逻辑上反思了爱情? |
| 12 | What is their life likely to be like? | 他们的生活可能是什么样? |
| 13 | And I'm going to put up my hand here and argue for a certain way of living. | 我要在这里举起手来,为某种生活方式而争论. |
| 14 | I think the expert on love should have what other people think of as a bad love life, a difficult love life, a complicated love life. | 我觉得爱情专家应该有别人认为的糟糕的爱情生活,艰难的爱情生活,复杂的爱情生活. |
| 15 | There's a lovely bit in Marcel Proust where he says that if a sick man is looking for a doctor, | 马塞尔普鲁斯特有个可爱的地方 他说如果一个病人在找医生 |
| 16 | you should always look for a doctor who's very well acquainted with illness. | 你总该找一个熟悉病情的医生 |
| 17 | Only illness itself will force the doctor to explore the nature of unwellness at the level of depth which it deserves. | 只有疾病本身才能迫使医生在应有的深度探索不健康的性质. |
| 18 | And something similar applies to love. | 爱也一样 |
| 19 | So if you're looking for an expert on love, you found him not because he understands and has led a flawless life, | 所以,如果你在找一个爱的专家, 你发现他不是因为他理解 并且过着完美无瑕的生活, |
| 20 | but because he's pretty much made every single error in the book. | 但因为书里的每一条错误 都是他造成的 |
| 21 | And this has therefore incentivized him to look more deeply. | 因此,这促使他更深入地审视。 |
| 22 | So the place in which we find ourselves now in relation to love has a history. | 所以,我们现在发现自己 与爱的关系有历史。 |
| 23 | Love has a history and we need to become historians of love if we are to try and understand it. | 爱情是有历史的,如果我们要尝试理解它,我们需要成为爱情的历史学家. |
| 24 | It's a subject that shifts in time. | 它是一个主题 移动的时间。 |
| 25 | We have not always loved as we love now. | 我们并没有像现在这样爱人 |
| 26 | And so it's really important to situate ourselves a little bit. | 因此,重要的是,让我们自己坐一会。 |
| 27 | And of course, we are still broadly living in the Romantic era. | 当然,我们仍然广泛生活在浪漫时代。 |
| 28 | I know we don't think of that necessarily in those terms in all areas. | 我知道我们并不必然在所有这些方面想到这一点。 |
| 29 | But broadly speaking, the Romantic age kicks off Germany, France, the UK in the late 18th century and really the 19th century is the heyday of it. | 但广义地说,浪漫时代在18世纪晚期就将德国,法国,英国踢开,实际上19世纪是它的热门时期. |
| 30 | And it's connected up with the decline in religion. | 而与宗教衰落有关. |
| 31 | In many ways, love is a redirection of emotional energy. | 在许多方面,爱是情感能量的重定向. |
| 32 | We can discuss this redirection of emotional energy from up here to down there with huge pressures. | 我们可以在巨大的压力下 讨论情绪能量从这里转向那里 |
| 33 | Of course, by the time you're calling the person you're sharing a space with Angel, there could be could be some tensions. | 当然,当你打电话的人 你和安吉尔共享一个空间, 可能有一些紧张。 |
| 34 | The great thing about the Christian era is it understood the fervor, the longing for an ideal being. | 基督教时代的伟大之处在于它理解阴阳,渴望理想的存在. |
| 35 | But it very handily situated them up there and they do not mingle with with us here. | 但是,它非常巧妙地把他们安置在那里,他们不与我们在这里交汇。 |
| 36 | But Romanticism firmly reverses the levitation, puts the divine in in the middle of everybody and says tells everybody that there is such a thing as a soulmate. | 但浪漫主义坚决地扭转了悬浮,把神置于每个人的中间,并说告诉所有人,有这样的事物是灵魂伴侣. |
| 37 | Very you know, it's a fascinating concept, but it really gathers speed at the end of the 18th and early 19th century. | 非常你知道,这是一个令人着迷的概念,但它真的聚集了18世纪末和19世纪初的速度. |
| 38 | The idea that there is one person there who can understand you at unusual depth. | 这个想法是,有一个人在那里 谁能够理解你 在不寻常的深度。 |
| 39 | All sorts of things go with this. | 一切诸法随顺. |
| 40 | The soulmate will understand you without needing to speak. | 灵魂伴侣会理解你 不用说话 |
| 41 | This is a real romantic prejudice that language gets in the way of emotion, a classic romantic division. | 这是一个真正的浪漫主义偏见,语言会阻碍情感,是一种典型的浪漫主义分裂. |
| 42 | By the way, Romanticism is a slightly dirty word for me, as you'll see. | 顺便说一句,浪漫主义对我来说是一个有点肮脏的词,你会看到的. |
| 43 | I mean, every every time every time the word is mentioned, every time people say something is is not romantic, that's generally a really good idea. | 我的意思是,每一次提到这个词, 每次人们说一些东西是不浪漫的, 这通常是一个非常好的主意。 |
| 44 | You know, a couple went out on a date and they discussed their finances, not very romantic. | 你知道,一对夫妇出去约会 他们讨论 他们的财务,不是很浪漫。 |
| 45 | And you think, yeah, it is. | 你认为,是的,它是。 |
| 46 | I mean, in terms of if we use romantic as conducive, actually, to the success of a relationship or, you know, | 我的意思是,从我们是否把浪漫 当作有利于,实际上, 关系的成功,或者,你知道, |
| 47 | if you pour water on the idea that someone met after two weeks and married in Vegas and you go, sure, that's such a good idea. | 如果你在两周后有人在拉斯维加斯结了婚的念头上倒水 当然,这是个好主意 |
| 48 | Oh, that's not very romantic of you. | 哦,这不 非常浪漫你。 |
| 49 | Well, it's a good thing. | 嗯,这是一件好事。 |
| 50 | Anyway, so so they understand you without words, music, of course, the great romantic medium of communication. | 总之,所以他们理解你 没有文字,音乐,当然,伟大的浪漫的交流媒介。 |
| 51 | And so it's this whole whole idea that, you know, you will say of a lover, they understood me without me needing to speak. | 所以这是整个想法,你知道, 你会说一个情人, 他们理解我而不需要我说话。 |
| 52 | And then you know that it's the right person. | 后知其为正者. |
| 53 | You're drawn by mysterious force. | 你被神秘的力量吸引着 |
| 54 | You just knew it had to be them. | 你知道一定是他们干的 |
| 55 | That force is beyond analysis. | 这种力量是无法分析的。 |
| 56 | You can't probe it, et cetera. | 你不能去调查,等等。 |
| 57 | Other other romantic tropes and ideas. | 其他浪漫的曲子和想法。 |
| 58 | No one has a job generally in romantic culture. | 在浪漫文化中,一般没有人有工作. |
| 59 | Love, it just subsumes everything. | 爱,它只是包含一切。 |
| 60 | So no one's really working. | 所以,没有人真的工作。 |
| 61 | There's no money. | 没有钱。 |
| 62 | Money is totally off the stage. | 钱完全不在舞台上 |
| 63 | There's no, you know, think of Jane Austen, the last great English pre-romantic writer, just obsessed by money. | 没有,你知道,想到简·奥斯汀,最后一个伟大的英语前浪漫主义作家,只是沉迷于金钱. |
| 64 | I mean, everybody is literally sort of tabulating who earns what, when, how. | 我的意思是,每个人都是 字面上的列表 谁挣什么,何时,如何。 |
| 65 | And it's really important to her definition of love. | 这对她对爱情的定义很重要 |
| 66 | 我喜欢你给Jane Austen的账本 | |
| 67 | After that, completely, I mean, Keats, God knows what's happening with the money. | 在那之后,完全,我的意思是,济慈,上帝知道钱是怎么回事. |
| 68 | It's just whatever. | 何谓也. |
| 69 | It's also, of course, forever. | 当然也是永远的 |
| 70 | Love has no other end other than death. | 爱除了死亡没有别的目的 |
| 71 | And then the romantic is always obsessed by the idea of an early death. | 然后浪漫主义总是沉迷于早逝的想法. |
| 72 | So it is forever, but it's going to be short. | 所以,这是永远的,但它会很短。 |
| 73 | So I'm interesting. | 所以我很感兴趣 |
| 74 | And, you know, quite soon, someone who has a cough, tuberculosis, you know the story. | 而且,你知道,很快,一个咳嗽,肺结核的人, 你知道这个故事。 |
| 75 | So then sex, very particular take and rancism on sex. | 然后性,非常特别的采取 和愤怒的性。 |
| 76 | Adultery had always been a problem. | 通奸一直是个问题。 |
| 77 | Medea, et cetera. | 弥陀等. |
| 78 | You know, there's always some heat around that. | 你知道,总是有 一些热周围。 |
| 79 | But it really becomes a true tragedy in a way that it's not been for a very long time. | 但它真的变成了一场真正的悲剧 因为它已经很久没有发生。 |
| 80 | So sex, the idea of sex outside of love is completely prescribed and is seen as really the end of the world. | 因此,性,爱之外性的想法被完全规定,并被视为真正的世界末日. |
| 81 | And that is the romantic idea. | 这就是浪漫的想法。 |
| 82 | Now, many consequences from, you know, we've been wandering around with these romantic ideals for a long time. | 现在,许多后果,你知道, 我们一直在徘徊 这些浪漫的理想 很长时间。 |
| 83 | One of them, the words thing, you know, as we're in a philosophical setting, language very important. | 其中一个,词,你知道的,因为我们在哲学环境中,语言非常重要。 |
| 84 | It's led to a massive outbreak of sulking. | 引发了大规模的气愤爆发. |
| 85 | What is sulking? | 什么是愤怒? |
| 86 | Sulking is really a consequence of romanticism. | 吹嘘是浪漫主义的结果 |
| 87 | I'm telescoping, but it's a consequence of romanticism in the sense that it's something that arises. | 我在做远程扫描,但这是浪漫主义的后果, 因为它是产生的东西。 |
| 88 | If you believe that your partner must understand, you should understand, you have the proof of true love is wordless understanding. | 如果你认为你的伴侣必须理解,你应该理解,你有真爱的证明就是无文字的理解. |
| 89 | You can have a lot of sulking on your hands because you're going to get a lot of situations where there's something that you're feeling. | 由于你会遇到很多你感到有感觉的情况,所以你可以对双手感到很多的沉闷. |
| 90 | Like, I'm really annoyed at the partner, but you won't explain it to them. | 喜欢,我真的很烦 的合伙人, 但你不会解释给他们。 |
| 91 | And so it's a quintessential romantic moment. | 所以这是一个典型的浪漫时刻。 |
| 92 | You sit there with your arms crossed, your partner goes, is anything wrong? | 你坐在那里 手臂交叉, 你的搭档去,有什么不对吗? |
| 93 | You go, and they go, must be something wrong about this. | 你走,他们走, 这一定是不对劲。 |
| 94 | And it goes on and on. | 亦复不断. |
| 95 | You lock yourself in a bathroom. | 你把自己锁在浴室里 |
| 96 | They're begging you, etc. | 他们求你了,等等。 |
| 97 | And you don't want to come out and you don't want to say it. | 亦不欲出而无言. |
| 98 | And if they say why, why? | 如果他们说为什么,为什么? |
| 99 | And really, the real answer is because I was brought up as a romantic child. | 真的,真正的答案是 因为我是作为一个浪漫的孩子长大的。 |
| 100 | And I believe that true love means that you should be able to see through the outer skin into my soul and read my soul as Keats suggested. | 我相信真爱意味着你应该 能够从外表看透我的灵魂 并且按照济慈的建议阅读我的灵魂 |
| 101 | And if not, then, you know, anyway, so on and on it goes. | 如果没有,那么,你知道,无论如何, 如此和它去。 |
| 102 | Also, a belief in no secrets. | 还有,相信没有秘密 |
| 103 | Romantics, very obsessed by the idea that there cannot be a secret. | 浪漫主义者,非常沉迷于不能有秘密的想法. |
| 104 | If you have something that you know, a truth in you, it belongs also to the other. | 如果你有你所知道的东西, 一个真理在你身上,它也属于另一个。 |
| 105 | And a beautiful idea until, you know, you're having breakfast Saturday morning. | 还有个好主意 直到周六早上吃早餐 |
| 106 | It's great. | 赞曰. |
| 107 | You're eating your eggs, avocado, the weight is quite fine. | 你在吃鸡蛋 鳄梨 体重还不错 |
| 108 | And, you know, and then massive argument because you don't want to hear that side from your partner. | 而且,你知道,然后大辩论 因为你不想听到 从你的伴侣。 |
| 109 | The true complexity of a human being, it's hard to fully be yourself with another person. | 人的真实复杂性,很难完全和别人在一起. |
| 110 | We can discuss whether I mean, again, a great romantic idea. | 我们可以再讨论一个浪漫的主意 |
| 111 | This person allowed me to be fully myself. | 这个人让我完全独立 |
| 112 | Really? | 真的吗? |
| 113 | Is that a good idea? | 好主意吗? |
| 114 | I mean, all areas. | 我的意思是,所有的地区。 |
| 115 | Also, a terrible view of criticism. | 还有,一个可怕的批评观点。 |
| 116 | Again, people will break up and they'll go, you know, someone will go, why did you break up? | 再说一次,人们会分手,他们会去, 你知道,有人会去, 你为什么分手? |
| 117 | No, my partner was too critical. | 不,我的搭档太关键了 |
| 118 | They just didn't allow me to, you know, fully be myself. | 他们只是不允许我,你知道, 完全做我自己。 |
| 119 | And you want to say, OK, I mean, so Plato, for example, views love as a classroom. | 你想说,好吧,我的意思是,比如说,柏拉图把爱情看作是一个教室。 |
| 120 | The ancient Greeks saw love as a classroom in which two people under a benevolent and generous spirit | 古希腊人把爱情看作是一个教室, 两个人在善良和慷慨的精神下 |
| 121 | are trying to induct one another to become the best versions of themselves. | 试图相互启发 成为自己最好的版本。 |
| 122 | This sounds hugely odd. | 这听起来很奇怪。 |
| 123 | I mean, if you said to your partner, look, I've read some Plato, love as a classroom, | 我的意思是,如果你对你的搭档说, 你看,我读了一些柏拉图, 爱作为一个教室, |
| 124 | and that's why I'm going to point out certain things that you're doing, | 这就是为什么我要指出 你正在做的某些事情, |
| 125 | when it's sort of immediately, you know, it's a fine line between an insult. | 当它有点立即, 你知道,这是一个很好的线 在侮辱。 |
| 126 | And because of this, we don't learn a very subtle art, which is a pre-modern art, which is diplomacy. | 由于这个原因,我们没有学过一种非常微妙的艺术,这是一种前现代的艺术,也就是外交. |
| 127 | Diplomacy is not just what Peter Mandelson used to do. | 外交不仅仅是彼得·曼德尔森以前做的 |
| 128 | It's something that it's something that everyone is called to do in order to have a good life, | 这是大家为了过上好生活而要求做的事情, |
| 129 | which is to try and get difficult information across to another person. | 也就是尝试把困难的信息传递给别人 |
| 130 | And again, the Romantic is not thinking too much about this because the truth is always supposed to be its own reward. | 再说一遍,浪漫主义者并没有过多地考虑这个问题,因为事实总是应该成为自己的回报. |
| 131 | Well, there's a psychotherapy is very aware of this. | 嗯,有一个心理治疗 是很清楚这一点。 |
| 132 | If you tell people things about themselves, they may be very well, very true, | 如果你告诉别人自己的事情, 他们可能很好,非常真实, |
| 133 | but you will come up against what they call defense mechanisms. | 但你们将反对他们所说的防御机制。 |
| 134 | And defense mechanisms are there to protect you against the full glare of uncomfortable truths, | 防御机制是用来保护你 免受不愉快的真相的影响 |
| 135 | which may nevertheless be really necessary. | 可能确实有必要 |
| 136 | So part of being a successful lover is not just having the truth and spitting it out, | 所以做一个成功的情人 不只是有真相 吐出来 |
| 137 | but also finding the right moment, finding the time, | 也找到合适的时机 找到合适的时机 |
| 138 | finding the best possible way in which the truth can make its way in from one mind into another. | 寻找最好的办法 让真相从一个思想进入另一个思想 |
| 139 | This is something I mean, it's also something that philosophy is wrestled with. | 这也是哲学所要面对的 |
| 140 | I mean, when I started my career in philosophy, I remember being utterly struck by the differences | 我的意思是,当我开始我的职业生涯 在哲学,我记得 被完全打击 差异 |
| 141 | in which philosophers would write some papers, very charming, incredibly easy to read, et cetera, | 在其中哲学家会写一些论文, 非常迷人, 令人难以置信容易阅读等等, |
| 142 | other papers impenetrable, et cetera. | 其他文件是无法穿透的,等等。 |
| 143 | And I remember saying to teachers, professors, there's a real difference between these two. | 我记得我对老师,教授说, 这两者之间确实有区别。 |
| 144 | And they go, yes, well, one's more intelligent or less intelligent. | 他们去,是的,嗯,一个人的 更聪明或少聪明。 |
| 145 | But it had nothing to do with a presentational manner, because in those days, | 但它与展示方式无关 因为在那几天 |
| 146 | philosophy was not understood to be a medium which should be interested in the seduction of the reader. | 哲学没有被理解为一种对读者的诱惑感兴趣的媒介。 |
| 147 | That was, you know, that's almost close to rhetoric. | 这几乎是夸夸其谈 |
| 148 | What matters is the truth. | 重要的是真相。 |
| 149 | And if the truth is there, it doesn't matter how you write. | 如果真相确实存在,那么你如何写也无所谓. |
| 150 | It's just how you, you know, it's just the points you're making, not how you're making them. | 这只是你,你知道, 它只是你提出的点, 而不是你如何制造它们。 |
| 151 | Transpose that to love. | 把它转换成爱 |
| 152 | Again, you know, how do we want to live that issue in love? | 再说一遍,我们想怎样在爱情中生活? |
| 153 | And I'm a firm, I become a firm believer that you may have all sorts of insights into your lover, | 而我是一个公司, 我成为一个坚定的相信 你可能有 各种各样的洞察你的爱人, |
| 154 | all sorts of things you need to share, et cetera, unless you're doing it in the diplomatic way. | 各种事情你需要分享,等等, 除非你是在外交上这样做。 |
| 155 | Forget it. | 别提了 |
| 156 | And that means at the right time, you know, it's no point broaching an enormous topic at one in the morning | 也就是说,在合适的时间,你知道, 它没有意义 提出一个巨大的话题 在早晨 |
| 157 | when someone's had a drink, no one's ever learned anything under conditions of humiliation. | 当有人喝了酒, 没有人在羞辱的条件下学到任何东西。 |
| 158 | By the time you've told someone a threat or told them that they're not as good as their mother or something, | 当你告诉别人一个威胁 或者告诉他们,他们 不如他们的母亲什么的, |
| 159 | you've lost it. | 你输了 |
| 160 | So how you get it across is really, really important. | 所以,你是如何得到它过 真的,真的很重要。 |
| 161 | I mean, the other thing, of course, that we've learned and a major insight. | 我的意思是,另外一件事,当然, 我们已经学到了 和重要的洞察力。 |
| 162 | So the age of romanticism starts to bleed, of course, into the age of therapy. | 所以浪漫主义时代开始流血, 当然,进入治疗时代。 |
| 163 | So 1900, interpretation of dreams. | 1900年,解读梦想. |
| 164 | We asked out, I believe, living in an age which has blended the romantic and the therapeutic. | 我相信,我们约了出去, 生活在一个把浪漫与治疗相结合的时代。 |
| 165 | I'm firmly on the side of the therapeutic, I should say, but very keenly aware of the romantic. | 我坚定地站在治疗一边,我应该说, 但非常敏锐地意识到浪漫。 |
| 166 | You see this issue in its sharpest form when it comes to how people are when they go on a date. | 当人们约会时, 这个问题最尖锐了。 |
| 167 | So you set people up on a date and you wait to hear what's happened and they go off and meet. | 所以你在约会时安排人 等着听到发生的事 然后他们就走了 |
| 168 | And then you call them up after the date and you go, how did you get on with this person that I helped you to meet? | 然后你在约会后打电话给他们,然后你走了, 你是怎么得到 与这个人,我帮助你见面? |
| 169 | They seem really good on paper. | 纸上看起来不错 |
| 170 | And often the person says, yeah, yeah, yeah, on paper. | 经常有人说,是的,是的,是的,在纸上。 |
| 171 | Yeah, no, great. | 是啊,不,伟大的。 |
| 172 | Nice. | 不错 |
| 173 | Thank you. | 谢谢 |
| 174 | Thank you so much. | 非常感谢 |
| 175 | They were really, really nice person. | 他们真的很,真的很好的人。 |
| 176 | Really nice evening. | 真是个美好的夜晚 |
| 177 | You go, what was really going on? | 你去,到底发生了什么? |
| 178 | I don't know. | 师曰. |
| 179 | Yeah, something. | 是啊,东西。 |
| 180 | I don't know. | 师曰. |
| 181 | And you're thinking, what is it that's not right? | 你在想,这是什么不对? |
| 182 | And then you get this difference between the paper and the psychology. | 然后你得到这个区别 在报纸和心理学。 |
| 183 | On paper, this should work. | 在纸面上,这应该有用。 |
| 184 | Psychologically, it doesn't. | 从心理上讲,它没有。 |
| 185 | Why does it not work psychologically? | 为何不能在心理上起作用? |
| 186 | Well, this is an enormous topic that psychotherapy has lifted the lid on. | 这是一个巨大的话题, 心理治疗已经打开盖子。 |
| 187 | And essentially, psychotherapy gives us a fascinating story, which is it tells us that the way in which we love as adults is following in grooves defined in childhood. | 基本上,心理治疗给我们带来了一个令人着迷的故事, 它告诉我们,我们作为成年人所爱的方式 是在童年时期被定义的沟壑中遵循的。 |
| 188 | And love is always a question of refinding love. | 而爱总是一个重新寻找爱的问题. |
| 189 | But there's a there's a real but in it. | 但其中虽有真但有真. |
| 190 | The priority in adult love is to seek familiarity, not fulfillment. | 成人爱情的重中之重是寻求熟悉而不是满足. |
| 191 | So we will prioritize familiarity. | 因此,我们将优先熟悉情况。 |
| 192 | So if your father has been an alcoholic and your mother has been depressed, these are not great things when you're a child, but they feel really familiar, really kind of, yeah, you're there. | 所以如果你的父亲是个酒鬼,你的母亲也抑郁了, 当你还是个孩子的时候,这些并不伟大, 但是他们觉得很熟悉,真的有点,是的,你在那里。 |
| 193 | So when you go out on the dating scene, you meet lots of people who might be really great on paper. | 所以当你在约会场面上, 你会遇到很多在纸上可能很棒的人。 |
| 194 | There are lots of people who don't drink, lots of people who are not depressed. | 很多人不喝酒,很多人不沮丧。 |
| 195 | But yeah, yeah, kind of get ahead off to things that feel a little bit familiar. | 但是,是的,是的,有点领先 事情感觉有点熟悉。 |
| 196 | I mean, we're laughing. | 我的意思是,我们在笑。 |
| 197 | It's absolutely tragic. | 这是绝对悲剧。 |
| 198 | And it happens. | 并发生. |
| 199 | I mean, I am I am a qualified therapist. | 我是说 我是个合格的治疗师 |
| 200 | I did a therapy training and I now see clients. | 我做了一个治疗训练 现在我看到客户。 |
| 201 | And this theory, which was a theory floating and high, you see it every day. | 这个理论,是一个浮而高的理论, 你每天都看到它。 |
| 202 | 则胆大而umbling. | |
| 203 | And we can only fall on our knees and pray to the God of philosophy at how how stricken we are as human beings. | 我们只能跪在地上 向哲学之神祈祷 我们作为人类是多么痛苦 |
| 204 | We're really stricken there. | 我们真的被困在那里。 |
| 205 | So, you know, your friend who you set up on a date, really, if they were being honest, saying, you know, why didn't you want to get together with this person? | 所以,你知道,你的朋友 你安排了约会,真的, 如果他们是诚实的, 说,你知道,为什么你不想要 与这个人在一起? |
| 206 | Really want to say something like, look, thank you for setting up with this person. | 真的想说点什么 喜欢,你看,谢谢你 和这个人在一起。 |
| 207 | But I just didn't sense that they would make me suffer in the way that I feel I need to suffer in order to feel I'm in love because of my childhood. | 但我只是觉得他们不会让我受苦,因为我觉得我需要受苦,以感到自己因为童年而恋爱. |
| 208 | I mean, that's what that's the long answer, which you tend not to say. | 我的意思是,这就是一个很长的答案, 你倾向于不说。 |
| 209 | So you just go, I didn't fancy them. | 所以,你只是去,我不喜欢它们。 |
| 210 | But that's often what's really going on. | 但是,这经常是真正发生的事情. |
| 211 | I mean, you know, again, back to psych therapy, most of the crazy distorted things that people are doing as adults has its root, obviously, in patterns learned in childhood. | 我的意思是,你知道,再次回到心理治疗, 大部分疯狂的扭曲事物, 人们正在做作为成年人有它的根源, 很明显,在童年学到的规律。 |
| 212 | And the poignant thing is, again, what you learn is that in order to survive childhoods, we learn all sorts of quite clever tricks, like, for example, disassociating. | 你所学到的也是 为了在童年时期生存 我们学到了各种非常聪明的技巧 比如说,脱节 |
| 213 | Fantastic. | 厉害 |
| 214 | If there's violence in the house and you know and you're five years old, you learn to disassociate. | 如果家里有暴力,你知道,你五岁,你就学会脱离联系. |
| 215 | You learn to split your mind from your circumstances. | 你学会从你的处境中分心 |
| 216 | Fantastic. | 厉害 |
| 217 | You go off into another world. | 你进入另一个世界。 |
| 218 | That's really useful. | 这真的有用。 |
| 219 | Age five. | 五岁 |
| 220 | Fantastic. | 厉害 |
| 221 | If you've got a very depressed parent and you're seven, what might you do? | 如果你有一个非常郁闷的父母 而且你7,你会怎么做? |
| 222 | Really focus on the upside and become a joker. | 真正专心于颠倒 并成为一个笑话。 |
| 223 | 不停的笑话,Levity。 | |
| 224 | You just stay on the surface because you're going to need to carry somebody. | 你只是停留在表面 因为你需要携带某人。 |
| 225 | If somebody is very judgmental in your in your family, you might be extremely keen to just please, please everybody. | 如果有人在你的家庭中很有判断力, 你可能会非常渴望只是请,请大家。 |
| 226 | Yes, absolutely. | 是的,当然。 |
| 227 | Great idea. | 好点子 |
| 228 | Fantastic. | 厉害 |
| 229 | I'll do that. | 我来 |
| 230 | Absolutely. | 当然 |
| 231 | Just just trying to keep the peace. | 只是想保持平静 |
| 232 | And on and on it goes. | 随顺而行. |
| 233 | These things, which children work out intuitively, it's unbelievable genius how they work it out. | 这些东西,孩子们直觉地工作, 他们如何工作是不可思议的天才。 |
| 234 | It's their survival strategy becomes, of course, age 30, 40, 50, an unbelievable liability. | 这是他们的生存策略,当然, 年龄30,40,50, 令人难以置信的责任。 |
| 235 | What worked brilliantly and had an absolute logic to it. | 工作很出色,而且有绝对的逻辑 |
| 236 | Age five no longer works. | 五岁不再工作了 |
| 237 | And this is when people are so unsympathetic to the craziness that we're all up to. | 这就是当人们对疯狂感到无与伦比的时候, 我们都在努力。 |
| 238 | People go, why is that person disassociated? | 人们去,为什么那个人是 脱节? |
| 239 | Why is that person invulnerable? | 为什么这个人是无情的? |
| 240 | Why can't they open up in love? | 为什么他们不能在爱中打开? |
| 241 | You want to go, do you know what the childhood that this person came through? | 你想走,你知道他度过的童年吗? |
| 242 | Of course, it made no sense to open up in love. | 当然,在爱情中敞开心扉是没有意义的. |
| 243 | They would have been annihilated. | 他们会被消灭的 |
| 244 | So no wonder that they've gone through three marriages and no one knows what they're feeling inside, | 难怪他们经历了三次婚姻 没人知道他们内心的感受 |
| 245 | because that's how they learned to be. | 因为他们就是这样学会的 |
| 246 | That was their survival strategy. | 这就是他们的生存策略。 |
| 247 | Why is that person so superficial and slick and you can't raise any melancholic topic with them? | 为什么这个人这么肤浅又滑稽 而你却不能跟他们提起任何忧郁话题? |
| 248 | Well, that's how they survive. | 这就是他们生存的方式 |
| 249 | Sometimes some of us have to become comics in order to survive. | 有时我们有些人为了生存不得不成为漫画. |
| 250 | Some of us have to get on stages and make a lot of fuss and like whatever. | 我们中有些人得上舞台 做很多大惊小怪的事 |
| 251 | This is not normal. | 这是不正常的。 |
| 252 | This is very strange, very, very strange. | 这很奇怪,非常,非常奇怪。 |
| 253 | I mean, if you're definition of good parenting, your child has no inclination to be famous. | 我是说 如果你是好父母的定义 你的孩子不会出名 |
| 254 | You've done well, although something's gone wrong. | 你做得很好,虽然出了点问题 |
| 255 | So, by the way, I mean, look, in love, no one needs a completely sane person. | 所以,顺便说一句,我的意思是,在爱情中, 没有人需要一个完全正常的人。 |
| 256 | And if you look for a sane person, you'll never find them. | 如果你找一个正常人 你永远找不到他们 |
| 257 | The best thing you can do in love is to find somebody who has some kind of grasp on the map of their distortions and insanity. | 在爱情中你所能做的最好的事情就是 找到一个在他们扭曲和疯狂的地图上 有某种把握的人。 |
| 258 | That's the best we can do. | 这是我们所能做的最好的。 |
| 259 | And standard question on an early dinner date should just be, how are you crazy? | 你疯了吗? |
| 260 | And if the person gets offended and runs away, it's a bad sign because they should be relatively relaxed and have something to say. | 而如果此人得罪并逃跑,那就是一个坏兆头,因为他们应该相对放松,有话要说. |
| 261 | So if they don't speak, leave immediately. | 所以,如果他们不说话,立即离开。 |
| 262 | So, and by the way, I mean, all mental illness, I want to say, we could have debates about this. | 所以,顺便说一句,我的意思是,所有的精神病, 我想说,我们可以就此展开辩论。 |
| 263 | All mental illness ultimately has to do with a shortfall of love. | 所有精神疾病最终都与爱的不足有关. |
| 264 | Everybody's an institution, everybody who's struggling with their mental health, et cetera. | 每个人都是一个机构, 每个人谁挣扎 他们的心理健康,等等。 |
| 265 | It can all be traced very crudely with a marker pen to incidents in childhood when there was a deficiency of love. | 这一切可以粗略地追溯到童年时爱不足的事件。 |
| 266 | Love literally helps to heal the mind. | 爱字面上有助于治愈心灵. |
| 267 | All those maneuvers of mind that we associate with health are essentially the gifts of love. | 所有那些与健康相关的思维策略 本质上就是爱的礼物 |
| 268 | So, for example, a lack of paranoia. | 因此,比如说缺乏偏执症. |
| 269 | Paranoia is a standard part of mental unwellness, the sense where you can't really separate what's coming at you and targeting you from what is a more random accident in the world. | 妄想症是精神不健全的一个标准部分, 即你无法真正区分 发生在你身上的东西 以及针对你的东西 |
| 270 | You can't, that distinction slips constantly and therefore you just don't think something is against you that isn't. | 你不能,这种区别总是会滑动 所以,你只是不认为 东西 对你不利,不是。 |
| 271 | This is, you know, to be protected from this is again a gift of love because you start through a loving education, through a loving early journey. | 这是,你知道,被保护 不受这再次是爱的礼物 因为你从一个爱的教育开始, 通过一个爱的早期旅程。 |
| 272 | You can, you're protected from from a sense that you may be the center of everything that goes wrong. | 你可以,你被保护 不被一种感觉, 你可能是所有错误的中心。 |
| 273 | I mean, by the way, this is extremely depressing news. | 我的意思是,顺便说一句,这是非常令人沮丧的消息。 |
| 274 | I mean, the idea, I'm really harking to this standard psychotherapeutic view, which is it's all in your childhood. | 我的意思是,这个想法,我真的很热衷于 这种标准的心理治疗观点, 这是所有在你的童年。 |
| 275 | And it's so boring. | 且道甚闷. |
| 276 | I mean, we have a YouTube channel, The School of Life, which I helped to run, and we're always, every film is about your childhood. | 我的意思是,我们有一个YouTube频道,生活学校, 我帮助运行, 我们总是,每部电影都是关于你的童年。 |
| 277 | And there's someone who every week takes it upon themselves, we launch film at two o'clock and at 2.15 they're there and they go another film about childhood from The School of Life. | 每周都有人自己拍摄, 我们两点钟和2点15分推出电影, 他们在那里,他们去另一部关于童年的电影 从生命学院。 |
| 278 | And there are lots of exclamation marks and it's always the same person and they're just having fun doing this. | 有很多感叹的痕迹 总是同一个人 他们只是玩玩而已 |
| 279 | And I always go in and I go, yes, you're right. | 我总是走进去,我走, 是的,你是对的。 |
| 280 | Sadly, it is. | 不幸的是,这是。 |
| 281 | And we just have this back and forth every week. | 我们每个礼拜都有这个 |
| 282 | And sadly, it's true. | 可悲的是,这是真的。 |
| 283 | I mean, I share the person's frustration. | 我的意思是,我同意这个人的挫折感。 |
| 284 | It's maddening. | 发菩提心. |
| 285 | You're 40, you're 50, you're 60 and it really supposed to be between zero and 10. | 你40岁,你50岁,你60岁 而且它真的应该在0到10之间。 |
| 286 | How is it even logical? | 怎么会这样呢? |
| 287 | I sometimes help people to understand it by talking about language. | 有时我通过谈论语言来帮助人们理解它. |
| 288 | You know, when we're two, three, four, we're acquiring a language, a grammatical language, where hundreds of words, thousands of constructions, declensions, et cetera, are entering our minds. | 当我们两,三,四岁的时候,我们得到了一种语言,一种语法语言,在那里,几百个字,上千个构思,解脱等等,正在进入我们的思想. |
| 289 | As we're doing other stuff, you know, we're doing handstands in the garden, drawing buttercups in the kitchen, and yet it's all going in. | 当我们做其他的事情,你知道, 我们正在花园里做手提架, 画蝴蝶在厨房, 但它都进入。 |
| 290 | And so that by five, we have a language bedded in and that language will remain with us throughout our lives. | 因此,到五点,我们有一个语言, 语言将永远留在我们身边。 |
| 291 | And if you try and learn another language in middle age, I mean, boy, boy, even with Duolingo, you've got your work cut out. | 如果你尝试在中年学习另一种语言, 我的意思是,男孩,男孩, 即使与Duolingo, 你的工作被削减。 |
| 292 | It's very, very hard. | 这是非常,非常困难。 |
| 293 | You will never really reach fluency very, very easily. | 你永远不会真正达到流利 非常,非常容易。 |
| 294 | Something similar, you're learning an emotional language. | 类似的东西,你在学习一种情感语言。 |
| 295 | Of course, you are. | 当然,你是。 |
| 296 | You're learning a grammar, not of words, but you're learning a grammar around value. | 你正在学习一种语法,而不是语言, 但你正在学习一种围绕价值的语法。 |
| 297 | What are you what are you worth? | 你值多少钱? |
| 298 | What is your worth as a human being? | 你作为一个人的价值是什么? |
| 299 | To continue watching this video, click the link in the top left or in the description below. | 要继续观看这段视频,请点击左上方或以下描述的链接. |
| 300 | With a free trial, you can enjoy the full talk and thousands more. | 有了自由的审判,你就可以享受到全面的谈话,还有上千人. |
| 301 | Thank you for being part of the conversation. | 谢谢你参与谈话 |
该视频共有字幕 301 条。解锁更多字幕为会员功能，请移动到 价格