【心理成长】如何停止把精力浪费在讨好别人上 · 不再失去自我
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剧集目录
| 集 | 标题 | 时长 |
|---|---|---|
| P1 | 【心理成长】如何停止把精力浪费在讨好别人上 · 不再失去自我 | 18:59 |
P1 · 【心理成长】如何停止把精力浪费在讨好别人上 · 不再失去自我 p01 中英字幕 (P1)
字幕摘录
| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| 0:00 | If you have ever sent a text and then immediately re-read it | 如果你曾经发过短信 然后立即重新阅读 |
| 0:04 | 14 times to make sure that you didn't sound rude, needy, cold, dramatic, passive aggressive, | 14次确保你没有听起来粗鲁, 需要,冷酷,戏剧性,被动的攻击, |
| 0:10 | too enthusiastic, not enthusiastic enough, welcome. | 太热情,不够热情,欢迎。 |
| 0:13 | This video is for you. | 这个视频是给你的 |
| 0:15 | Because people-pleasing is exhausting. | 因为让人感到厌倦 |
| 0:17 | It takes your time, your energy, your boundaries, | 它需要你的时间,你的能量,你的边界, |
| 0:20 | and your ability to know what you actually want. | 还有你了解自己真正想要什么的能力 |
| 0:24 | And the thing is, the more that you try to make | 事情是,你试图做的越多 |
| 0:26 | everyone else happy, the less like yourself you become. | 其他人都快乐,你变得越少 |
| 0:30 | So in this video, we are going to get | 因此,在这个视频中,我们将获得 |
展开字幕全文（396 条）
| 序号 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | If you have ever sent a text and then immediately re-read it | 如果你曾经发过短信 然后立即重新阅读 |
| 2 | 14 times to make sure that you didn't sound rude, needy, cold, dramatic, passive aggressive, | 14次确保你没有听起来粗鲁, 需要,冷酷,戏剧性,被动的攻击, |
| 3 | too enthusiastic, not enthusiastic enough, welcome. | 太热情,不够热情,欢迎。 |
| 4 | This video is for you. | 这个视频是给你的 |
| 5 | Because people-pleasing is exhausting. | 因为让人感到厌倦 |
| 6 | It takes your time, your energy, your boundaries, | 它需要你的时间,你的能量,你的边界, |
| 7 | and your ability to know what you actually want. | 还有你了解自己真正想要什么的能力 |
| 8 | And the thing is, the more that you try to make | 事情是,你试图做的越多 |
| 9 | everyone else happy, the less like yourself you become. | 其他人都快乐,你变得越少 |
| 10 | So in this video, we are going to get | 因此,在这个视频中,我们将获得 |
| 11 | very practical. | 非常实际 |
| 12 | First, I am going to walk you through four truths about people-pleasing, | 首先,我要告诉你 四个关于人心的真理, |
| 13 | including why it often doesn't feel like people-pleasing when you're doing it, | 包括为什么它常常感觉 不喜欢人 当你这样做, |
| 14 | why it drains so much energy, and why it can feel genuinely terrifying to stop. | 为什么它耗尽了这么多的能量, 为什么它可以感到真正可怕的停止。 |
| 15 | Then, | 接下来 |
| 16 | I am going to give you a four-step process for overcoming it. | 我将给你一个克服它的四个步骤的过程。 |
| 17 | And then, because I don't want to | 然后,因为我不想 |
| 18 | have better boundaries and then leave you emotionally stranded at the scene, | 有了更好的界限,然后让你 情绪困在现场, |
| 19 | I am going to give you five very specific language swaps so that you know exactly what to say | 我要给你五个非常具体的语言交换 这样你才知道该说什么 |
| 20 | when you're tempted to over-explain, over-apologize, or manage everyone's feelings. | 当你试图 过度解释,过度道歉, 或管理每个人的感受。 |
| 21 | Because you can be kind without being endlessly available, | 因为你可以善良而不无穷尽 |
| 22 | and you can be generous without abandoning yourself. | 你可以慷慨而不会放弃自己 |
| 23 | So let's start with truth number one. | 故先说真言第一义. |
| 24 | So people-pleasing usually does not feel like people-pleasing when you're doing it. | 所以人-人-人-人通常不觉得人-人-人-人 当你这样做。 |
| 25 | It feels like you're being considerate and thoughtful. | 感觉你既体贴又体贴 |
| 26 | It feels like you're being flexible | 感觉你很灵活 |
| 27 | and low-maintenance and reasonable and nice. | 和低维护 合理和善良。 |
| 28 | And honestly, this is why it can be so hard to spot. | 老实说,这就是为什么很难发现的原因。 |
| 29 | You're probably thinking things like, I don't want to hurt their feelings. | 你也许在想 我不想伤害他们的感情 |
| 30 | I don't want to | 我不想这样 |
| 31 | seem difficult. | 似乎很难。 |
| 32 | I don't want people to think that I'm selfish. | 我不想别人觉得我自私 |
| 33 | And listen, consideration | 听着,考虑一下 |
| 34 | is a beautiful thing. | 这是一件美丽的事情。 |
| 35 | Being thoughtful about other people is part of being a decent human being. | 深思熟虑他人是做一个体面的人的一部分。 |
| 36 | But people-pleasing is not the same as kindness. | 但众生安乐不与仁义同. |
| 37 | Kindness says, I can give this freely. | 善良的说,我可以自由的给它。 |
| 38 | People-pleasing says, I have to give this or I might lose approval. | 民怨说,我必须给这个 否则我可能会失去批准。 |
| 39 | When you're people-pleasing, you're trying to control an outcome. | 当你喜欢别人的时候, 你试图控制一个结果。 |
| 40 | You're trying to prevent | 你试图阻止 |
| 41 | disappointment or rejection. | 失望或拒绝。 |
| 42 | You're trying to prevent someone from being upset with you | 你想阻止别人对你生气 |
| 43 | or misunderstanding you or judging you or leaving you out. | 或误解你 或判断你 或离开你。 |
| 44 | And suddenly, what looks on the outside | 突然间,外表 |
| 45 | like being nice is actually a form of bargaining. | 就像友善其实是一种讨价还价的形式。 |
| 46 | I will make myself easier for you and in exchange, | 我会让你更轻松 作为交换 |
| 47 | you will keep approving of me. | 你会一直认可我 |
| 48 | That's exhausting. | 这太累人了 |
| 49 | And it's also unstable because now your emotional | 也很不稳定,因为现在你的情绪 |
| 50 | center of gravity is no longer inside you. | 重力中心已经不在你体内了 |
| 51 | It's out there in someone else's facial expression or tone | 在别人的面部表情或语气里 |
| 52 | or how long they take to get back to you. | 或者他们需要多久才能回复你 |
| 53 | And that's not great. | 这可不妙 |
| 54 | But it brings us to truth number | 但是它带给我们真相号码 |
| 55 | two. | 两个 |
| 56 | People-pleasing is emotional surveillance. | 民情是情绪监控. |
| 57 | This is one of the biggest reasons it drains | 这是它排水量最大的原因之一 |
| 58 | so much energy. | 这么多的能量。 |
| 59 | People-pleasers are tracking too much. | 人们喜欢的人跟踪太多。 |
| 60 | They are constantly scanning the room. | 他们一直在扫描房间 |
| 61 | Is everyone okay? | 大家都还好吗? |
| 62 | Is someone annoyed? | 有人生气吗? |
| 63 | Did I say the wrong thing? | 我说错了吗? |
| 64 | Did that land badly? | 那块土地不好吗? |
| 65 | Should I fix this? | 要我修好吗? |
| 66 | Should I apologize? | 我该道歉吗? |
| 67 | Should I make a joke? | 我该开玩笑吗? |
| 68 | People-pleasing turns ordinary | 人心变常 |
| 69 | interactions into a constant performance review. | 将互动纳入经常性业绩审查。 |
| 70 | You're editing your tone, editing your facial | 你正在编辑你的语气, 编辑你的面部 |
| 71 | expression, your needs and your preferences, and then wondering why you're tired. | 表达,你的需要和喜好, 然后想知道为什么你累了。 |
| 72 | Think about all | 考虑一下 |
| 73 | the invisible work that you are doing just to stay acceptable. | 无形的工作,你正在做的 只是保持接受。 |
| 74 | The rehearsing, the explaining, | 排练,解释, |
| 75 | the checking. | 检查。 |
| 76 | And this is especially complicated because a lot of the skills that make someone a | 这特别复杂 因为很多技能 使某人成为一个 |
| 77 | people-pleaser are not bad skills. | 喜欢的人不是坏技能。 |
| 78 | It's useful to be perceptive and to be able to read the room. | 知觉而能读室,颇有裨益. |
| 79 | I spent years working as a family doctor and in medicine, being attuned to other people matters. | 我花了多年时间做家庭医生和医学, 适应别人的事情。 |
| 80 | You learn to notice what someone says and what they don't say. | 你学会注意别人说的话和他们不说的话 |
| 81 | You learn to read distress. | 汝学读苦行. |
| 82 | You | 你们 |
| 83 | learn to pay attention to subtle cues. | 学会注意微妙的提示。 |
| 84 | That can be an important skill. | 这可能是一个重要的技能。 |
| 85 | But outside of the exam room, | 但是在考试室外面 |
| 86 | outside of a professional context, that same skill can become a hyper responsibility. | 除了专业背景之外,同样的技能可能成为一种超重的责任。 |
| 87 | When you move from just noticing other people's emotions to taking ownership of them, | 当你从只是注意到别人的情绪 转向拥有这些情绪时 |
| 88 | that's a problem. | 那是个问题。 |
| 89 | You can notice someone is disappointed without making it your emergency. | 你可以发现有人失望了 却没让你有急事 |
| 90 | You can notice someone's mood without immediately assuming that you caused it. | 你可以注意到别人的情绪 而不认为是你造成的 |
| 91 | When you are | 当你是 |
| 92 | constantly investigating everyone else's emotional state, eventually you lose contact with your own. | 不断调查其他人的情绪状态 最终你失去了与自己的联系 |
| 93 | Okay, that brings us to truth number three. | 好吧,这给我们带来了 真相三。 |
| 94 | People-pleasing is often a safety strategy. | 民心往往是一种安全策略. |
| 95 | This is why simply telling someone just stop caring what people think is not very useful. | 这就是为什么仅仅告诉别人 停止关心什么 是人们认为不是非常有用的。 |
| 96 | There are a lot of reasons that this can happen. | 这样做有很多原因。 |
| 97 | Maybe you grew up in a family where being agreeable | 也许你是在一个家庭里长大的 |
| 98 | kept the peace. | 维持了和平。 |
| 99 | Or maybe you were praised for being mature and responsible and low maintenance | 或者,也许你被称赞 成熟,负责任和低维护 |
| 100 | and helpful. | 和帮助。 |
| 101 | Maybe you were socially rewarded for being the person who could always be counted on. | 可能因为你是一个 永远可以指望的人而被社会奖励。 |
| 102 | Maybe you just discovered over time that being pleasing worked. | 也许你只是发现一段时间 令人愉快的工作。 |
| 103 | It got approval, belonging, | 它得到了批准,属于, |
| 104 | and praise. | 和赞美。 |
| 105 | You got included because of it. | 你因为这个才被包括在内的 |
| 106 | It helped you to avoid conflict. | 它帮助你避免了冲突。 |
| 107 | So, of course, | 所以,当然 |
| 108 | you kept doing it. | 你一直这样 |
| 109 | This is why I don't think we need to shame the people-pleasing part of ourselves | 这就是为什么我不认为我们 需要羞辱 人民自己的一部分 |
| 110 | because that part is usually trying to protect us. | 因为那部分通常是为了保护我们 |
| 111 | It's saying, let's not find out what happens if | 意思是,我们不要知道如果 |
| 112 | they're disappointed. | 他们很失望 |
| 113 | Let's not find out what happens if they don't like this. | 如果她们不喜欢,就别查了 |
| 114 | And depending on your history, that may have made perfect sense at some point. | 取决于你的历史, 这也许在某个时候是完全合理的。 |
| 115 | But here is the harder truth. | 但这里是更难的真相。 |
| 116 | Even if people-pleasing started as protection, | 即使人们从保护开始 |
| 117 | it can absolutely become a prison because eventually the strategy that helped you feel | 它绝对可以变成监狱 因为最终帮助你感觉的策略 |
| 118 | safe starts making your life smaller. | 安全开始让你的生活变小。 |
| 119 | Instead of asking, what do I want? | 而不是问,我想要什么? |
| 120 | You're asking, | 你问, |
| 121 | what will keep everyone calm? | 什么能让大家冷静下来? |
| 122 | Or what will be easiest for people to accept? | 或者什么是人们最容易接受的? |
| 123 | That is not | 这不是 |
| 124 | freedom. | 自由权。 |
| 125 | Which brings us to truth number four. | 这给我们带来了真相第四。 |
| 126 | Resentment is the receipt. | 报应即收. |
| 127 | Resentment is often | 常常是拒绝 |
| 128 | the receipt that your body hands you after you have purchased approval by betraying yourself. | 在你出卖自己 购买了批准书后 身体交给你的收据 |
| 129 | And I know that sounds dramatic, but honestly, look at the evidence. | 我知道这听起来很戏剧化, 但说实话,看看证据。 |
| 130 | You said yes and now you're | 你说是的,现在你 |
| 131 | irritated. | 烦恼. |
| 132 | You said no worries. | 你说不用担心。 |
| 133 | And there are in fact several worries. | 事实上,还有几种担心。 |
| 134 | You offered to help. | 你答应帮忙的 |
| 135 | And now you're silently furious that nobody noticed how much you are doing. | 现在,你无声无息地愤怒 没有人注意到你做了多少。 |
| 136 | I say that | 我说 |
| 137 | with love because I have absolutely done this. | 与爱 因为我绝对这样做。 |
| 138 | I have had seasons of over-functioning and then | 我有过季节 过度运转,然后 |
| 139 | feeling resentful that other people let me. | 感觉很讨厌别人允许我 |
| 140 | But the truth is I had trained them to expect it. | 但事实是,我训练过他们 期望它。 |
| 141 | And people-pleasing gets messy here because we often think that the problem is that other | 人心都乱了 因为我们经常认为问题在于其他 |
| 142 | people ask too much. | 人们要求太多。 |
| 143 | And sometimes, yes, they do. | 有时候,是的,他们这样做。 |
| 144 | Some people will absolutely take whatever you | 有些人会拿走你的一切 |
| 145 | keep giving. | 继续付出。 |
| 146 | But sometimes the problem is that we keep offering ourselves up and calling it | 但有时问题在于 我们不断献身 并称它为 |
| 147 | generosity when it is actually fear. | 当它真的害怕时,是慷慨的。 |
| 148 | Maybe you're afraid of being disliked or judged or no longer | 或许你害怕被人讨厌 或被审判 或不再 |
| 149 | being the reliable one, the good one, or the one who never needs anything. | 是一个可靠的人,一个好的, 或者一个永远不需要任何东西的人。 |
| 150 | So how do we actually | 那么,我们如何实际 |
| 151 | start changing this? | 开始改变吗? |
| 152 | Well, this is where I am going to share four steps to help you break free | 好了,这就是我要去 分享四步 帮助你打破自由 |
| 153 | of your people-pleasing tendencies now that you understand what is actually going on underneath | 在你的民意倾向 现在,你明白 到底发生了什么 |
| 154 | everything. | 一切众生. |
| 155 | Step number one is to notice the approval reflex. | 第一步是注意到批准的反应。 |
| 156 | The approval reflex is that | 批准反应是 |
| 157 | split-second urge to edit, explain, apologize, or agree before you have even checked in with yourself. | 在您自己登记之前, |
| 158 | It's when someone asks you if you can do something and, sure, comes out of your mouth | 就是有人问你能不能做点什么 当然,你从嘴里出来 |
| 159 | before your actual self has even arrived at the meeting. | 在你亲自到会之前 |
| 160 | It's when you apologize for asking a | 这是当你道歉 问一个 |
| 161 | normal question. | 正常的问题。 |
| 162 | It's when you explain your decision like you are presenting evidence in court. | 当你解释你的决定 像你在法庭上提出证据。 |
| 163 | So this week, I don't even want you to try to change things. | 所以这个星期,我甚至不希望你试图改变事情。 |
| 164 | Just notice the moment. | 注意时机 |
| 165 | Notice | 通知 |
| 166 | the tiny internal flinch, the moment when your body says no and your mouth says absolutely happy | 你的身体说不,你的嘴说绝对快乐 |
| 167 | to. | 改为。 |
| 168 | Notice when you are about to make yourself more convenient than you actually are. | 注意,当你要让自己 比实际更方便。 |
| 169 | That | 那个 |
| 170 | awareness matters because you cannot interrupt a pattern that you keep calling your personality. | 意识很重要,因为你无法打断你一直称为人格的规律。 |
| 171 | And for a lot of people, people-pleasing has become so familiar that they don't even experience it | 对很多人来说,人们变得如此熟悉,甚至没有经历 |
| 172 | as a pattern. | 作为模式。 |
| 173 | They experience it as just how I am. | 他们的体验就像我一样 |
| 174 | I'm just helpful. | 我只是帮助。 |
| 175 | I'm just flexible. | 我只是很灵活 |
| 176 | I am just | 我只是说 |
| 177 | who doesn't like disappointing people. | 谁不喜欢失望的人。 |
| 178 | Okay, maybe. | 好吧,也许。 |
| 179 | But also, maybe that is not your personality. | 但也许这不是你的个性 |
| 180 | Maybe that is a strategy that you practiced until it felt like identity. | 也许这是你所练习的策略 直到它感觉像身份。 |
| 181 | And if it was learned, | 如果能学到的话 |
| 182 | it can be unlearned. | 有可能是没学到的 |
| 183 | Step number two is to insert a pause before the yes. | 第二步是在"是"之前插入一个暂停. |
| 184 | This sounds simple. | 这听起来很简单。 |
| 185 | It is | 没错 |
| 186 | not. | 没有 |
| 187 | Because for a people-pleaser, the immediate yes is almost a reflex. | 因为对于一个人民喜悦的人来说,立即是几乎是一种反射。 |
| 188 | Someone asks you for | 有人问你 |
| 189 | something, and before you have assessed your capacity or your desire, your schedule, your | 在你评估你的能力或欲望之前 你的日程安排 |
| 190 | energy, your priorities, you say, of course. | 能量,你的优先事项,当然,你说。 |
| 191 | So the first practical skill is not even saying no. | 所以第一个实用技能甚至不是说不. |
| 192 | It's buying time. | 它正在争取时间。 |
| 193 | You can start to train yourself to say things like, let me check and get back to | 你可以开始训练自己 说一些像, 让我检查和回到 |
| 194 | you. | 你们 |
| 195 | I need to think about that. | 我要考虑一下 |
| 196 | I'll have to look at my week. | 我得看看我的礼拜 |
| 197 | Or I can't answer that right now, | 或者我现在无法回答 |
| 198 | but I will let you know. | 但我会告诉你的。 |
| 199 | These are not dramatic sentences. | 这些不是戏剧性的句子。 |
| 200 | They are not rude. | 他们不粗鲁。 |
| 201 | They are not | 他们不是 |
| 202 | aggressive. | 攻击性 |
| 203 | They are just little gates between the request and your automatic self-abandonment. | 它们只是请求和自动自弃之间的小门 |
| 204 | Because the pause gives your actual self time to arrive. | 因为暂停让你有时间到达 |
| 205 | For a lot of people-pleasers, the pleasing | 对于很多人来说,令人高兴的是 |
| 206 | self gets to the microphone first. | 自己先到麦克风。 |
| 207 | The pleasing self says, say yes. | 欢喜的自我说,答应了。 |
| 208 | Be easy. | 别紧张 |
| 209 | Don't make it weird. | 别弄怪了 |
| 210 | Don't disappoint them. | 别让他们失望 |
| 211 | You can figure out your own exhaustion later. | 晚点再想想你自己的疲劳吧 |
| 212 | The pause lets another part of | 暂停让另一个部分 |
| 213 | this. | 这个 |
| 214 | Do I have capacity? | 我有能力吗? |
| 215 | Am I saying yes freely or am I saying yes because I'm afraid? | 我自由说是还是因为害怕? |
| 216 | And that | 还有 |
| 217 | question, am I saying yes freely or am I saying yes because I'm afraid, that's one of the most | 问题,我是自由说是,还是说是,因为我害怕,那是最 |
| 218 | important questions that you can ask. | 你可以问的重要问题。 |
| 219 | Because a yes that comes from fear is often just a disguised | 因为恐惧带来的肯定 往往只是伪装 |
| 220 | no. | 没有 |
| 221 | And eventually disguised nos turn into resentment. | 最终伪装的不 变成怨恨。 |
| 222 | And this is also one reason why | 这也是为什么 |
| 223 | created my free self-sabotage recovery guide. | 创造了我自由的自我破坏 恢复指南。 |
| 224 | If you recognize yourself in this, then this guide | 如果你在这件事上认得自己 那么这个向导 |
| 225 | is going to help you to recognize those hidden patterns that keep pulling you back and how to | 帮助你识别那些隐藏的图案 不断拉你回来,如何 |
| 226 | start interrupting them in a practical way. | 开始以实际的方式打断他们。 |
| 227 | I will put the link below this video. | 我会把这个链接放在录像下面 |
| 228 | When you get it, | 当你得到它, |
| 229 | come right back because the next step is probably the hardest part of people-pleasing. | 马上回来 因为下一步 很可能是人们最痛苦的 |
| 230 | Step three | 步骤三 |
| 231 | is to let disappointment exist. | 是让失望存在。 |
| 232 | This is a big one because people-pleasers often organize their | 这是一个很大的,因为人们喜欢的人 经常组织他们的 |
| 233 | entire lives around preventing disappointment. | 整个生活围绕防止失望。 |
| 234 | But disappointment is not an emergency. | 但失望并不是紧急情况。 |
| 235 | Someone | 有人吗? |
| 236 | being disappointed does not automatically mean that you did something wrong. | 失望并不意味着你做错了什么 |
| 237 | It means they had | 这意味着他们有 |
| 238 | a preference and that preference was different from yours. | 偏好 偏好和你不一样 |
| 239 | That is allowed. | 这是允许的。 |
| 240 | Your friend may be | 你的朋友也许是 |
| 241 | not available immediately. | 不详。 |
| 242 | Your family may be disappointed that you are changing an old pattern. | 你的家人可能会对你改变旧模式感到失望 |
| 243 | This just means that you are a separate person. | 这说明你是一个单独的人。 |
| 244 | And this is an incredibly important part of | 这也是一个非常重要的部分 |
| 245 | adulthood. | 成年时. |
| 246 | Other people are allowed to have feelings about your choices and you are allowed | 其他人可以对你的选择有感觉,你也可以 |
| 247 | to make choices anyway. | 做出选择。 |
| 248 | It's not the same as saying, I don't care how I affect anyone. | 这和说两句不一样 我不在乎我如何影响任何人 |
| 249 | Of | 员额 |
| 250 | feelings does not mean being controlled by them. | 感情并不意味着被他们控制 |
| 251 | Most healthy adult relationships can survive | 最健康的成人关系可以生存下去 |
| 252 | disappointment. | 失望无奈. |
| 253 | In fact, real relationships need to survive disappointment because if the connection | 事实上,真正的关系 需要幸存失望 因为如果连接 |
| 254 | only works when you are agreeable, available, and endlessly accommodating, that is not a connection | 只有在你平易近人、可以使用和无休止的融洽相处时才能工作,这不是一种联系 |
| 255 | that is going to work for you long term. | 这会为你长期工作。 |
| 256 | And yes, some people may not love your new boundaries. | 是的,有些人可能不喜欢你的新界限。 |
| 257 | That might just be a sign that the relationship is recalibrating and recalibration can feel | 这可能只是一个迹象 关系正在调整 和调整可以感觉到 |
| 258 | uncomfortable. | 感觉很不舒服 |
| 259 | But the alternative is that you keep living as the version of yourself that is | 但另一种选择是,你继续 生活作为自己的版本,即 |
| 260 | easiest for other people. | 对其他人来说很容易 |
| 261 | And that is a high price to pay for approval. | 这需要付出高昂的代价才能获得批准。 |
| 262 | Step four is to replace people pleasing with clean kindness. | 第四步是用清净的善心来代替人们欢乐. |
| 263 | So what is clean kindness? | 那么,什么是干净的善? |
| 264 | Well, | 那个 |
| 265 | clean kindness is generosity without resentment. | 清净的善心就是慷慨无怨 |
| 266 | It's saying yes because you mean yes, not because | 说是是因为你意思是是,不是因为 |
| 267 | you are afraid of what will happen if you say no. | 你害怕如果你拒绝会发生什么事 |
| 268 | People pleasing says I'll do this so you won't | 人们都说我会这么做 这样你就不会 |
| 269 | be upset with me. | 烦恼我。 |
| 270 | Clean kindness says I can do this honestly and freely. | 纯洁的善良说,我可以诚实和自由地做到这一点。 |
| 271 | People pleasing says | 人们喜欢说 |
| 272 | I need you to see me as good. | 我要你把我看成这样 |
| 273 | Clean kindness says I know my values. | 清净慈爱说我知道自己的价值. |
| 274 | I don't need to perform | 我用不着表演 |
| 275 | them for approval. | 他们需要批准。 |
| 276 | People pleasing says I will abandon myself to preserve the connection. | 人们都说我要放弃自己 来保持联系 |
| 277 | Clean kindness says a real connection has room for both of us. | 纯洁的好心说 真正的联系有我们两个的空间 |
| 278 | And that is the standard. | 这就是标准。 |
| 279 | You can't | 你不能这样 |
| 280 | make everyone happy and you can't avoid all discomfort. | 令一切众生欢喜不可避一切烦恼. |
| 281 | The question you want to ask is, | 你想问的问题是, |
| 282 | can I act from integrity? | 我能表现得正直吗? |
| 283 | Can I be generous without being false? | 我可以慷慨而不用虚伪吗? |
| 284 | Can I be loving without | 我能爱没有 |
| 285 | being endlessly available? | 被无休止地提供? |
| 286 | That is the work. | 这就是工作。 |
| 287 | So let's make this practical because sometimes | 因此,让我们让这个现实 因为有时 |
| 288 | the difference between people pleasing and self-respect is one sentence. | 满足与自尊之间的区别是一句话。 |
| 289 | So as promised, | 因此,按照承诺, |
| 290 | here are five really specific language swaps that you can start using. | 这里有五种特定的语言交换,你可以开始使用。 |
| 291 | First, | 首先,我们... |
| 292 | replace over-explaining with simple declining. | 以简单的递减代替过度解释。 |
| 293 | Instead of saying I'm so sorry I would normally | 而不是说我很抱歉 我通常会 |
| 294 | love to and I feel terrible but this week has been insane and I hope that you don't think that I'm | 爱和我觉得很糟糕 但这个星期已经疯了 我希望你不要认为我 |
| 295 | being rude and maybe another time and I'm so sorry again. | 粗鲁,也许下次,我再次感到抱歉。 |
| 296 | Try. | 试试 |
| 297 | I can't make it this time but | 这次不行了 |
| 298 | I hope it goes well. | 我希望一切顺利。 |
| 299 | That's it. | 就这样 |
| 300 | A boundary does not need a documentary attached. | 边界不需要附有文件。 |
| 301 | You do not need | 你用不着 |
| 302 | to prove that your no is morally acceptable. | 证明你的拒绝在道德上是可以接受的 |
| 303 | You could just say no kindly. | 你可以拒绝你 |
| 304 | Second swap. | 第二互换. |
| 305 | Replace | 替换 |
| 306 | fake flexibility with an actual preference. | 假的灵活 与实际偏好。 |
| 307 | Instead of oh whatever works for everyone, | 而不是为大家服务 |
| 308 | try my preference would be Thursday or I'd prefer the earlier time or that restaurant | 试试我的偏好是星期四 或者我更喜欢更早的时间 或者那个餐厅 |
| 309 | isn't my favorite. | 那不是我最喜欢的。 |
| 310 | Could we try this one instead? | 我们可以试试这个吗? |
| 311 | Having a preference is not a war crime. | 偏好不是战争罪。 |
| 312 | This is a | 这个是 |
| 313 | what they prefer anymore. | 他们更喜欢的 |
| 314 | They have been so busy adapting to everyone else that their own desires | 他们忙着适应别人的欲望 |
| 315 | feel blurry so start small. | 感觉模糊 所以开始小。 |
| 316 | Pick the restaurant. | 选择餐厅。 |
| 317 | Choose the time. | 选择时间 |
| 318 | Say what movie you actually want | 说说你真正想要的电影 |
| 319 | to see. | 来看看。 |
| 320 | Have an opinion in a low stakes situation and let everyone survive the shock. | 在风险低的形势下发表意见,让每个人都在冲击中幸存下来. |
| 321 | Third swap. | 第三次交换 |
| 322 | Replace unnecessary apology with appreciation or directness. | 以赞赏或直接取代不必要的道歉。 |
| 323 | Instead of sorry for taking so long, | 而不是后悔这么久, |
| 324 | try thanks for your patience. | 谢谢你的耐心 |
| 325 | Instead of sorry can I ask a question, try I have a question. | 而不是抱歉,我可以问一个问题, 尝试我有一个问题。 |
| 326 | Instead of sorry I know this is annoying, try I'd like to clarify something. | 而不是后悔我知道这很烦人 我想澄清一件事 |
| 327 | Stop entering every | 停止输入 |
| 328 | conversation like you are already guilty. | 像你这样的人已经有罪了 |
| 329 | Apologies are important when you have actually done something | 道歉很重要 当你做了一些事情 |
| 330 | wrong but if you apologize for existing, asking, needing, clarifying, taking up space or having a | 错误的,但如果你为存在,要求,需要,澄清,占用空间或拥有 |
| 331 | human response, the apology becomes a form of self-erasure. | 人类的反应,道歉变成了一种自我时代的形式. |
| 332 | Fourth swap. | 第四次交换 |
| 333 | Replace emotional | 替换情感 |
| 334 | monitoring with adult communication. | 与成人交流进行监测。 |
| 335 | Instead of immediately saying are you mad at me, try I noticed | 而不是马上说 你生我的气, 尝试我注意到 |
| 336 | the tone felt different. | 语气不同 |
| 337 | Is there anything we need to talk about or even I'm just going to let this | 有什么需要我们谈的 或者甚至我会让这个 |
| 338 | be neutral unless I hear otherwise. | 除非我听到其他声音 否则要保持中立 |
| 339 | That second one is for the advanced class because not every | 第二个是高级班的 因为不是每个 |
| 340 | short text is a crisis. | 短文本是一个危机。 |
| 341 | Not every delayed reply is you being abandoned. | 不是每个迟到的答复都是被抛弃的 |
| 342 | Sometimes people are tired. | 有时众生疲倦. |
| 343 | Sometimes people are distracted. | 时有人分心. |
| 344 | Sometimes people are thinking about lunch. | 有时候人们会考虑吃午饭 |
| 345 | Let things be neutral | 让事情保持中立 |
| 346 | unless you have actual evidence otherwise. | 除非你有其他证据 |
| 347 | Finally the fifth swap. | 最后第五次互换. |
| 348 | Replace automatic yes | 替换自动是 |
| 349 | with honest capacity. | 以诚实的能力。 |
| 350 | Instead of sure I can help, try I don't have the capacity for that now or | 而不是确定我可以帮助, 尝试我现在没有这个能力或 |
| 351 | I can't take that on this week. | 这周我受不了 |
| 352 | Capacity is not a character flaw. | 能力不是一个性格缺陷。 |
| 353 | You are not a bad person because | 你不是一个坏人 因为 |
| 354 | your energy is finite. | 你的能量是有限的。 |
| 355 | You are not selfish because your calendar is full. | 你不自私 因为你的日历满了 |
| 356 | You are not uncaring because | 你并不是因为你 |
| 357 | you cannot be endlessly available to everyone who asks. | 你不可能无休止地向每个问话的人开放 |
| 358 | And this is where the deeper identity | 这就是更深层的身份 |
| 359 | shift comes in because the scripts will help to retrain your people-pleasing tendencies but | 换班是因为剧本会帮助重新训练你的 民心的倾向 |
| 360 | underneath the scripts the core question has to change. | 脚本下面的核心问题必须改变。 |
| 361 | The old question is will they approve? | 旧的问题是他们会同意吗? |
| 362 | The new question is do I approve? | 我同意吗? |
| 363 | That is the real shift because people-pleasing is an identity | 这是真正的转变,因为 人与人相爱是一种身份 |
| 364 | issue. | 问题。 |
| 365 | You are moving from I am safe when people approve of me to I am safe enough to be honest. | 当人们认可我的时候,你就会从我这里搬走... ...当人们同意我时... ...你就会从我这里搬走... |
| 366 | And instead of needing to be chosen you can choose yourself too and that takes time to happen because | 而不是需要选择 你也可以选择自己 而这需要时间发生,因为 |
| 367 | it happens in tiny moments like the moment that you pause before saying yes and the moment that | 它发生在一个很小的时刻 就像你停下来说"是"和"是"之前 |
| 368 | you let someone misunderstand you and the moment that you say that doesn't work for me. | 你让别人误解了你 让你说那对我无效的那一刻 |
| 369 | And here | 还有这里 |
| 370 | is what I really want you to hear. | 这就是我真正想要你听到的。 |
| 371 | When you stop people-pleasing your yeses actually mean something. | 当你停止人们抱怨你的"是"其实意味着什么。 |
| 372 | Your relationships become more honest and your energy starts coming back. | 你们的关系变得更加诚实,你的精力开始恢复. |
| 373 | The cost of | 费用 |
| 374 | people's reactions instead of your own values and that is too expensive. | 人们的反应 而不是你自己的价值观 这太贵了 |
| 375 | You are allowed to be warm | 你被允许温暖 |
| 376 | and boundaried. | 和边缘。 |
| 377 | You are allowed to disappoint people without making it your full-time job | 你被允许让别人失望 却不做全职工作 |
| 378 | to repair their emotional experience because being liked is lovely but being free is better. | 修复他们的情感体验 因为被喜欢是可爱的,但自由是更好的。 |
| 379 | And in this hit a nerve I want you to leave a comment with one sentence that you are retiring, | 在那场比赛中,我要你留下一句话 说你要退休了 |
| 380 | one over explaining, one apologizing, approval seeking sentence that you are done using. | 一个解释,一个道歉,一个同意 寻求判决 你使用。 |
| 381 | Mine | 矿山 |
| 382 | might be no worries if not because honestly sometimes there are worries. | 如果不是的话,也许就不用担心了,因为事实上有时会有担心。 |
| 383 | We are evolving. | 我们正在发展。 |
| 384 | And if you want to go deeper into the patterns that are underneath people-pleasing, the mindset | 如果你想更深入地了解人们的心智 |
| 385 | traps that keep you stuck in old versions of yourself even when you know that you are ready | 即使你知道你已经准备好了 也会被困在旧版本中的陷阱 |
| 386 | for something different, I want you to watch the video next on the seven mindset blocks that keep | 对于不同的东西, 我要你观看视频 下一个在七个思维块 保持 |
| 387 | you stuck. | 你坚持了。 |
| 388 | Because people-pleasing is often just one piece of a bigger pattern and once you can see | 因为人们的安慰常常只是更大的模式的一部分 一旦你能看到 |
| 389 | the pattern you can start changing it. | 模式可以开始改变。 |
| 390 | So I will link that video on the next screen and then I will | 所以我会在下一个屏幕上 链接到视频,然后我会 |
| 391 | see you there. | 再见 |
| 392 | So I will link that video. | 所以我会链接到视频。 |
| 393 | Replace flake fake fake not like okay or maybe you were | 换掉假的片子 不像好的,也许你是 |
| 394 | oh my goodness what's the problem with the word being? | 哦,我的天啊,这个词有什么问题? |
| 395 | People pleasing is often a safety strategy. | 人们喜欢常常是一种安全策略。 |
| 396 | Is that how I want to say that maybe try that again. | 这就是我想说的 也许再试一次 |
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